tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63478667922879897662024-02-18T20:56:36.299-05:00Tales of the Wolf QueenMemoirs from The House of Wolf...Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.comBlogger457125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-50494038892322194162014-04-30T08:11:00.000-04:002014-04-30T08:11:30.981-04:00So this happened last night...seems like I have been through this before..There I was, minding my own business on my porch, watching the light rain.<br />
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The mail carrier pulled up and put the mail in our mailbox.<br />
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It was barely misting at this point, so I open the screen door and proceed to place my left foot on the top step.<br />
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Suddenly my foot flies out from under me backwards, I fall, leg is trapped underneath me..and THIS is what happened...<br />
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That is a severely dislocated and broke in two places ankle.</div>
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The dislocation was the most painful thing I have been through. You can't see it in this pic, but my skin split in three places, the bone was slowly pushing it's way through the skin as it swelled more and more. It hurt worse than when I broke my right ankle. I had to endure that splitting with no pain meds, because they were about to put me in twilight to reset the bone and if they gave me more pain meds, I could possibly stop breathing. </div>
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I also broke my tibia and femur in almost the same exact spots as the right one did. They sent me home in a soft cast thing until the swelling goes down so they can operate. I have an appointment Thursday to meet with the surgeon and have him look at it since all he saw were the xrays last night, he did not come in to see me himself. </div>
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On the bright side, I do not have to be shipped off to recover, like I was last time. Dawn is here all the time, and my oldest daughter is now living with us ( One down, one to go ) so there are plenty of folks here to watch over me. </div>
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I guess when I asked for some down time to take care of some things, I should have been more specific. On the bright side, the constant fear that I would fall and break the other ankle is over. </div>
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So...it hurts. A lot. </div>
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But I will live, far as I know, lol.</div>
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I suppose I will be writing more now that I am pretty much bed and couch ridden for the Summer.</div>
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( REALLY not happy...we had a lot of plans this Summer ) </div>
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A lot has happened in the last three weeks. A new little soul. An older soul who only has maybe a year to live, my eldest daughter is back with me and hopefully my son will be too.</div>
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I also think that I should maybe never go outside. Terrible things happen on the outside lol.</div>
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How have you guys and gals been?</div>
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I will update as I know more...</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-53789395516038406872014-03-13T14:26:00.001-04:002014-03-13T14:26:05.756-04:00No Where to Go but Up: Our Forever Home; the Before Pictures.Hello again lovelies!<br />
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When I last left you, we had just found our forever home. After looking at a few duds and one we loved but was already sold...we were taken to the place we are currently in.<br />
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After a walk through and an inspection, we purchased a nice mobile home in the same town we already lived in. Dawn and I talked extensively about moving out of state, ( I wanted to go to North Carolina and Dawn wanted to go to Arizona or New Mexico, but I just can't leave my Mom and teens behind. Every family member Alex knows is here, and as Mom is the only grandparent she associates with, it would have devastated her to leave her grandmother and siblings behind. So we stayed. ) but we decided to stay here instead.<br />
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There were some things that needed to be fixed right away, like a crack in the spare bathroom toilet tank that caused water damage to the floor behind the toilet, and replacing the fridge, ( which worked fine except the ice maker was shot. We gave it to a friend who did not require an ice maker. ) most everything else has been working on minor stuff like getting decor and furniture and soon we will begin painting the inside. We had a screened in front porch built, which is where I spend most of my free time when I am not FREEZING TO DEATH. In FLORIDA. In MARCH....but I digress.<br />
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Here are some shots of the house and yard when we first got it, when it was mostly empty. Please forgive the quality of some of the pictures, as they were taken my by awesome ( but brand new to me at the time, meaning I had no clue how to really operate it, lol. ) new smartphone. ( Also, I used to roll my eyes at people who said they could not ( or did not want to ) live without their smartphones, but I totally get it now. Internet, texting, phone, camera...all in one tiny computer/phone. Love it, and if not for it I would hardly ever be online at all, lol. )<br />
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Ready?<br />
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Let's start with the outside...<br />
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It is a pretty and spacious yard, and we have been hard at work raking the many years of deep leaf cover up and burning it, planting grass seed and planning a ground breaking for the garden. It looks a lot different now.<br />
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Let's move in to the living room from the front door...<br />
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This room is shaped really oddly, but it is sooo much bigger than what we had. Also, a fireplace! ( Which I have not used until today since we moved in. )<br />
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Hang a left out of the living room and you come to the kitchen, dining, and laundry area.<br />
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The double doors are where the washer and dryer go, and I no longer have the stove and fridge in these pictures, but you have to wait for the "After Pictures Post" to see them!<br />
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Funny story. I have long bemoaned the fact I did not have a dishwasher, and wanted one more than anything. I thought my Mom was nuts for using hers as storage for stuff. I was over the MOON when I saw this place had a dishwasher, and I gleefully loaded it for the first time. It took forever and I could have done a faster and better job washing by hand. I loaded it the second time, and decided we did not even dirty up enough to warrant running it, and as it is an older model it was probably an energy hog. So now, we still hand wash and my dishwasher holds my metal bakeware and I keep some cooking odds and ends and the pot holders on the top rack.<br />
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Mom, if you read this...no saying " I told you so!"<br />
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After the kitchen we will head to the master bathroom and bath.<br />
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For some reason the pics make the master bedroom and bath look tiny, but they are actually huge. My bedroom now has a king sized bed, ( oh yes, I told you I was going to have a king sized bed one day and I meant it, lol. ) two chest of drawers, two bedside tables, and still have plenty of room to walk around. These pics are before we gave everything a good scrubbing ( we bought from a small private company that sells a lot of repos, which is what our place was ) and before we moved anything but a few boxes in. It looks so different now, and we are not even close to done yet!<br />
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My bathroom has a garden tub, as you can see, and a ton of mirrors, which was a little scary in the middle of the night when we would get up to use the restroom.<br />
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Now it is time to see Alex's new digs.<br />
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Again, it is bigger than it looks. The walls are a light blue, ( which we are changing ) and even though the room is bigger than they look, once we got a bunk bed and put her desk, toy boxes, and clothes cabinet in there, I admit there is not much room left. Her bunk bed is enormous.<br />
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Up next is the spare room, which I also use for my " Get away from everyone and chill or work on stuff " room.<br />
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At the time, it was the room where we took all the boxes as we brought stuff over, before we got smart and rented a dang U-haul.<br />
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We also enlisted the help of my son and future son in law to load and unload for us, and they made very quick work out of it.<br />
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Last but not least, we have the spare bathroom. This one has pics of the old bathroom as it was, then a pic of my nephew ripping the floor out to replace the rotted floor and cracked toilet, and this is the one "after pic" that I am posting. We are not done in there, we still have to paint, but with the exception of a bathroom rack over the toilet, this is pretty much what it looks like now.<br />
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Also, having TWO bathrooms is the BEST!!<br />
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There you have it! Our new forever home before we moved all our crap in and bought NEW crap! Heh.<br />
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The place is a work in progress, but we are having a really good time making the house a home. I admit that it still does not seem real to me at times. I still feel like I am visiting someone else's much nicer house. That is probably because we spend more time on working on the house rather than <i>living</i> inside the house. We are working on that too.<br />
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We have a home. No rent. No Mortgage. Ours, free and clear. I do not think I could ever find the words to describe just how amazing and happy I feel about that.<br />
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The "After Pictures" will roll out in multiple posts most likely. We are painting the whole house different colors and will be rearranging things as we go...so I will post those as I get sections finished. I will give you a sneak peek at our living room though. This is what it looks like now, as we have not decided on a paint color scheme yet.<br />
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Now I finally get to start writing about the things we have been doing since we moved! Stay tuned for those posts!<br />
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Thanks for sharing my new home with me, folks.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-35774024095000882572014-02-22T09:00:00.000-05:002014-02-22T17:22:39.904-05:00No Where to Go but Up: Dawning of a New DayWhen I wrote last, ( I KNOW it has been almost a month but one of the things about this new life is that there actually is LIFE being lived. We stay pretty busy these days. ) I was sitting in my kitchen floor crying my eyes out because the long awaited settlement check had arrived.<br />
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It was about 2:30 in the afternoon and Alex would be home within the hour, so while Jack rushed around in a flurry of activity to get to the local bank that the check was cut from to try to cash it, I sat at home and waited on pins and needles. I got a phone call about two hours later saying that we were able to get a portion of the money today and the rest would be available within 7 to 10 days and that the light bill was paid. I cried some more.<br />
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Aside from getting something to eat and picking up a few things we had to have, we pretty much sat at home for the next two days, trying to figure out what to do next. We had money to spend and were too terrified to spend it, as living in poverty teaches you to scrimp and save and not spend anything because there is usually nothing to spend.<br />
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Before I continue with my story, I have to back track and explain something before I can move forward, and it is one of the reasons it has taken so long to write again. I knew this post would be heavy, hard to explain, and quite frankly, confusing to everyone. So please excuse me if I am less than eloquent as I muddle my way through this.<br />
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Jack is no longer Jack.<br />
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Jack is now Dawn.<br />
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I could break down the last almost ten years of my life with Jack for you all, but that would be tedious. So, the Reader's Digest version is this:<br />
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Jack has always felt like he was a woman trapped in a man's body. I could see that side of him not long after we got together, but very few others knew. Growing up where we did, it was of course something that his family basically ignored or flat out forbid...so Jack had little choice but to squash that part of him. It was maybe a month after we got together that we started having conversations about it. He wore nail polish from time to time, that was something most people had seen. The first time he went a little more in that direction ( think guyliner ) he caught flak at work, so again, that part had to remain hidden to the outside world.<br />
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Once my Dad passed away ( the only outside person that Jack cared about was how my Dad felt about him ) and we had the means to take care of ourselves and no longer had to worry about being fired for it or anything like that, Dawn was able to come out in full force. Long wig, make up, female clothes, heels, the works. ( Jack will no longer be called Jack, unless I slip up, or a him or he, from this point on. Dawn, she, and her are what we use. )<br />
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The change in Dawn is amazing. She is such a happier person since she was finally able to bring out that part of her and actually live the life she wants, out in the open. Since I am sure some will ask, yes she has prosthetic breasts, yes she wants to have implants at some point, and no, she will not have the lower gender reassignment surgery done. For one, that surgery can cost over 40 grand, and there can be some serious risks which she is not willing to take. ( <i>Besides, have you BEEN in public restrooms? No way would I give up the ability to pee standing up!</i> )<br />
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Also, even though Dawn has always felt like a woman on the inside, she is a lesbian if we have to classify it. She does not want a man...she still wants me, and only me. Nothing on that front changed. What changed is the looks, the mannerisms, the attitude, and the level of happiness in her, and our, life.<br />
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We are all so much happier, and that is all that matters.<br />
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Now, back to the story...<br />
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For about a month Dawn had been eyeballing a blue 2004 Mustang that was for sale by a private owner. A few days after we got the settlement in, we went and saw about the car. Dawn test drove it and loved it, so we bought the car. 40th anniversary edition. Say what you want about a Ford, we love this car. She is fast, and she is pretty and her sound system is amazeballs. Want to see?<br />
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Isn't she purty? Her name is Sapphire.</div>
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* I took that pic while we were at a friend's house, showing the car off.*<br />
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We went shopping for some much needed new clothes for all of us, and went out to eat a couple of times.<br />
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I chopped all my hair off, and dyed it black.<br />
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I felt particularly sassy that day...</div>
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Dawn went from being Jack:<br />
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To being Dawn:<br />
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I find her even more attractive in her natural and happy state than I ever did as a mostly miserable guy.<br />
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I had surgery: A bladder sling was put in and I had an <a href="http://www.webmd.com/women/endometrial-ablation-16200" target="_blank">Endometrial Ablation</a>. ( I had the one that uses electricity.) I also had two scopes done to check for anything odd since I have such a cancer risk on both sides, plus I already had cervical cancer cells removed. I am pretty sure they broke my hips. I did not really hurt on the inside, or even at my incisions, as long as I was careful. I could hardly walk for three days from the hip pain. I guess they had to keep them spread for some time to do what they had to do. This was done in November and it STILL bugs me from time to time...almost like arthritis had set in.<br />
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Moving on, our next step was to find a place to live. We had been looking at places for months. The only difference was we only had about half of the money we expected, so we had to scale our expectations down a bit. We took to the roads for a week straight, trying to find a place that was right for us. After several days of meeting with people to look at houses, finding one we liked only to find out it had sold the day before, and a speeding ticket, ( What? We have a pristine Mustang that will haul ass. It was bound to happen at least once. Not to me though, I have a perfect driving record and aim to keep it that way lol. ) we met a Realtor who did not have what we wanted, but knew a guy who did..so we went to find him and this house.<br />
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It was love at first sight. We knew right away.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>We had found our Forever Home...</i></b></span><br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-61130575670446252802014-02-01T09:00:00.000-05:002014-02-01T09:00:00.913-05:00No Where To Go But Up: The Beginning.I have had so many things swirling through my head to blog about. There is so much to share that it was overwhelming. After many nights of staring at an empty screen, I figured I might as well start from the Beginning.<br />
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I went offline August 20th or so. I was actually not spazzing as much as I thought I would. The first two days were rough...but I adapted pretty quickly. I read a lot.<br />
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From September through the end of November, things were rough. No income at all, ( long story that does not even matter now, but the gist is that the insurance company tried to screw us over once we agreed to a settlement. ) no more favors to call in, no one left to beg or borrow from. We just had no options left, and we just had to deal. We signed settlement papers in October. It was not anywhere close to what was deserved, but it was what it was and it was over. Then we found out it would still be another month before we got the settlement check. We still had another month at least to get through, when we already had nothing to live on.<br />
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Jack got very depressed, but surprisingly enough, I was totally calm.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>There is a certain liberation...a sense of unexpected freedom when there is simply nothing you can do but breathe.</i></span><br />
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No options. No other choice but to just get through each day as it came. I felt serene and calm for the first time in a long time, even while part of my brain kept telling me I should be panicking. Everything worked out...just in time.<br />
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We limped along until Thanksgiving. As long time readers know, I am not a fan of the holiday season. This year was very nice though. Great non-traditional food, great time with the family. It was a nice day.<br />
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Two days later I was sitting on my back steps, crying my eyes out because we had gotten a notice of disconnect a few days earlier on our power bill, and as we were unable to do anything about it ( we had already been granted an extension ) and they were supposed to come out by 7 that evening to cut the power. We were already two months behind on our rent and were about to be served eviction papers. I was no longer calm, I was terrified.<br />
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I happened to look off to the right and saw our mailman had come an hour early ( I usually checked it when I went to get Alex off the bus ) so I trudged down to the mailbox and back. There was two envelopes from our lawyer, and I grabbed the one on top to open and I handed Jack the other one. He got his open first and it was just some legalese about the settlement. I finally got mine open and read the cover letter. At first I was confused...the letter made no sense, but as I moved it aside and saw the second sheet of paper, my eyes widened and I fell to my knees, sobbing.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Our settlement check had arrived...</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-21024518595726006182014-01-26T09:00:00.000-05:002014-01-26T09:00:04.390-05:00The Wolf Queen has a new castle....Hello my lovelies!<br />
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After five months and five days, I have returned to the land of blogging. I have so much to share with you all that my head is spinning!<br />
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I thought about condensing it all into one Reader's Digest post, but there is a lot of information to share, and since you all have been with me through all the bad crap of the last few years, I want to fully share all the good that is happening in our lives.<br />
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So this post is mostly just to say hello and let you know that I am back and things are great. The one piece of news I will share right now is that we moved. We found a place to buy and have been here about a month and a half now.<br />
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I will share all about it soon, but we love it so much. This is my first time actually owning my house, and it is amazing how different everything feels knowing that I will always have a home that is mine.<br />
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There will be many posts to come, so stay tuned!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-70042476949646775152013-08-20T08:28:00.001-04:002013-08-20T08:28:53.363-04:00If you are reading this, I am on an unintentional vacation! Good morning lovelies!<br />
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If you are reading this, that means I am without internet.<br />
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I wrote this post a few days ago, and set it to auto publish every day...and since I was still online, I just reset it to post the next day, and so on and so forth.<br />
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Since it posted, that means that I have lost my internet and am now on a forced internet break.<br />
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I am unhappy, as this was pretty much my only means of communication with the outside world, and now that Alex is in school I know she will need to do research for school ( or I will need help explaining something to her ) but there is nothing I can do about it. I just do not have the 128 bucks for it.<br />
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(Exchange '<i>Take A Nap</i>' with '<i>Be A Bad-Ass Gamer Chick</i>')</div>
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On the bright side, I intend to use what ever time I have to be away in a productive manner. I have plans for things around the house, and I will also use the time to get Alex in a really good routine this year. Third grade now and third grade when I was a kid is vastly different. She is learning things I did not learn until late middle school and early high school. She ( and myself too ) will have to be a lot more focused this year.<br />
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So yeah...I will do my best to make the time I am offline personally productive.<br />
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I will also be playing a ton of Skyrim and Sims 3. I downloaded 800 books in the last few days from my Kindle account. ( Seriously, when I do get back online, I have got to remember to download the stuff to the pc as soon as I get it...I downloaded 800 books in the last week, yet I still have over 1800 to download into the laptop...and I already had over 1300 downloaded!<br />
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( I love free Amazon books. Seriously. )<br />
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So I will be reading a lot too.<br />
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I will update as I can. I will try to go somewhere with wifi every couple of weeks if I can.<br />
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Take care of yourselves while I am gone!<br />
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( To my personal friends who read my blog: Sorry I am having to be away for a while. I miss and love you all, and I hope to be back soon <3 )<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-40492680818743766502013-08-04T17:52:00.002-04:002013-08-04T17:52:39.404-04:00An official diagnosis and a *hopefully* brief hiatus....Good afternoon folks.<br />
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I know it has been a few weeks since I have written, but it has been emotionally hectic in my life for the last month or so, and I have felt a great need to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. We are going through another huge rough patch financially. Alex starts school in 11 days and we do not have the money for clothes or supplies. My phone is cut off, and the net will be gone in 13 days too. They pushed back our mediation with the insurance company, due to a massive blunder on the doctor's part ( which of course I cannot go into details about...I will be so glad when this is all over. ) and we are hardly able to keep our lights and rent paid, much less the phone and net. I have called in all the favors I can, they are what have kept it on this long..so even though this is the only way I can really communicate...I will be offline for an unknown amount of time.<br />
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Hopefully not to long...but last time it was a few months. I just don't know.<br />
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In other news, I have an official diagnosis of what is wrong with me. I had an appointment on the 1st of August, where I found out I do not have Parkinson's, I have MS, ( Multiple Sclerosis ) Stage One. I am not surprised...I had a feeling that is what it was, and even had a doctor who was not treating me tell me it was MS based on what he saw when he talked to me.<br />
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I now have a different doctor, since the one I had is a long term Parkinson's doctor, not a MS doctor...so now I will have a female doctor whom I have yet to meet, who specializes in MS. I have to go back in three months and have another MRI of the brain done to see if there has been any changes. They put me on two medicines, well, back on one and added another, to help with the symptoms.<br />
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The doctor told me that I could be just like this for the rest of my life...or I could progress and not be able to walk or speak down the road. It all depends on my body and system and how it decides to progress.<br />
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On one hand I am okay...I feel the exact same as I did before, and now I know what I am facing for sure, so that helps. On the other hand, everything else is kind of falling apart, and I am having a hard time finding my "happy, positive thinking place." However, none of this is new, it is the same struggles we have been facing ever since Jack got hurt. Just right now we are in more dire straights than usual, because this time we have no other options. Before, even if it was a long shot, we still had choices. Now, we have none, and it sucks.<br />
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So I have not been very talkative. To anyone. Which is going to bite me in the ass later when I have no net and want to talk but can't...but I just do not have many words these days.<br />
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Aside from losing all my shit and finding out I have MS, everything has been great lol. Alex is well, although bored, since it rains all the time and we have not had the money or weather to go do anything all summer. She is looking forward to school and seeing her friends...even if she is freaking over not having her school supplies yet ( seriously, do you know how bad it sucks to have your almost 9 year old freaking out over finances? It is one of the most awful feelings in the world. ) Jack is okay, he sits around all day because thanks to the blunder, he has had no pain meds or any meds in over a month, so he hurts 95% of the time and can't do anything.<br />
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You know what? I should stop here. I already think about nothing else but this crap 24/7...you guys don't need to deal with it too.<br />
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I just wanted to let everyone know, because some people have been very helpful and concerned, that we do indeed know what I have, and explain my absence over the next however long period of time.<br />
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Thank you to those who helped, donated, lit candles, sent prayers and healing and everything else. I really appreciate it.<br />
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I hope you all are well and I hope to be back sooner than later.<br />
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Take care folks.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-70594512074983168862013-07-17T17:03:00.001-04:002013-07-17T17:03:16.719-04:00A Formal Apology.I am coming to you today to give a formal apology over something I half unwittingly did...<div>
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It has been brought to my attention ( In a pretty crappy way ) that I made a mistake sometime in the last year and a half. </div>
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Around that time, I, at the suggestion of a Pagan friend, joined the social community Pagan Space. ( No, I am not linking to that place,because once I joined, I saw very quickly what kind of folks were there (I am sure there are good ones too, but of course the good ones are usually the silent ones, compared to all the asshats out there.) </div>
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During my brief time there, one of the threads had several links to "free" Pagan books. There were several, and while I cannot remember all of the authors, one of them was very well known, which gave me pause, and the publisher of his books is known for cracking down and not giving away it's titles for free, which should have given me more pause than it did. As the author has been deceased for some time, I remember thinking maybe they were now free because a certain amount of time had passed. ( I knew very little of digital copyright laws and such. I have more education about it now. ) </div>
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While I did not download ( and I admit, it is mostly because I had the majority of the titles there in physical form, the ones that I did not have I was not interested in, and there was still that little voice.. ) because there was that little doubt in the back of my head, however I DID share the link with a very close friend. She in turn, because she trusted the fact that it came from me, went and published the link in her blog ( which has since been removed once we found out the truth. ) and shared it with her followers.</div>
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While I am pretty upset at the way it was brought to my attention, once I got over my shock and indignation at the way it was handled, and how I was accused of some terrible things, once I removed the people and the emotions from the situation, then I saw that I had indeed done something wrong.</div>
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Even though I did not download anything, or publicly share the link, I DID pass it on to another person, instead of doing some research first, or contacting the publisher. So I shared a link to digital content that I was not 100% sure of the legality of, which in turn, because my friend trusted me, got shared with other people. ( Which I just found out about last night..I had not seen the post until it was shown to me. ) I contacted my friend right away and told her what was up, what I had done, and had unknowingly assisted her in doing, and she removed the post right away.</div>
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I was going to just let it go...it was not an intentional or nefarious thing...but I am not a thief, and I fully admit to my wrong doings and short comings. Letting it go was not the right thing to do, and it would eat at me until I spoke about it.</div>
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I feel terrible for not trusting my intuition, and for not taking the steps necessary to prove or disprove the validity and integrity of the download. I made a mistake, and unintentionally sent that link into a space it might never have seen if not for me. Now I know better, and as far as I know have not made the same mistake since, as I am now much more well versed in that subject, enough to know that you need to do some homework before clicking anything free on the internet. </div>
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So for that, I am very sorry. I made a mistake, and while it was not on purpose, it was still wrong, and it is not something I do or condone. I have way to many writer and author friends and acquaintances, not to mention people who craft for income and have to deal with intellectual theft often, to not be aware of how wrong it is, especially now that I have read a lot of the laws and regulations.</div>
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Again, I am very sorry for this, and I swear to fully research anything of that type again before I share it with a single person.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-26281836482447304462013-07-09T03:06:00.000-04:002013-07-09T03:06:24.382-04:00Where did you go?<br />
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I have been asking myself that question a lot over the last few days.<br />
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I used to be a very confident person, at least to the outside world, even if I was having an attack of self doubt on the inside. It was a long road to get to that point where I felt comfortable with myself, and it took a lot of work.<br />
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Lately I have done some things, said some things, and felt some things that are very outside what is normal for me. I am the type of person who does not really care if someone likes me or not. I can't say I do not care what people think of me, because we all do that, even the most confident of people, but it did not consume me. I was the type to feel that you either liked me, or you didn't, and that was that. I did not lose any sleep over it. I am not exactly lacking in the friends department. That might sound a little arrogant, but what I mean is, I know I had people in my life who cared about me, I had people who I mattered to, and I was happy with that. I was not out there trying to win any popularity contests, because I had no need to do so. I was secure in myself, my skills and abilities, and my life.<br />
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Then everything changed.<br />
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It started when I broke my ankle. I was suddenly incapacitated, having to rely on my parents and kids to do everything. I was separated from Jack for over a month because he had to work, so I only saw him briefly at night and on weekends. That was the first time I have been away from him for that long. I lost two people who I thought were really close friends, through no fault of my own I found out later, but I spent a lot of time wondering what I had done to be abandoned so suddenly. I lost one of my best friends, which WAS my fault, but luckily I got her back a year ago.<br />
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Not long after I got back on my feet, Jack got hurt, and our entire life changed. Nothing was secure anymore, we started struggling really bad, and we were not that well off to start with.<br />
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Then I found out my Dad had cancer, and a few months later he was gone.<br />
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So basically, in the span of a year and a half, my entire world was turned on it's ear, and nothing was the same. The constant worry, sadness, fear,and struggling got to me. I started to lose myself. I did not realize it at first. I was depressed, which was not a surprise, given everything that was going on, but it got really bad. To be honest I am still struggling with depression, but it is better.<br />
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I started doubting myself. Take cooking for example. I am an excellent cook. I love to cook. Nothing made me happier than to see my family or friends sit around and eat the food I prepared, and watch them enjoy it. Once I started to lose myself, however, I started to doubt everything, and I even doubted my cooking. I started making rookie mistakes. I burned things. I over or under seasoned everything. Suddenly the simplest of dishes seemed to take more effort than I had to give. I stopped wanting to cook at all.<br />
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I am an obsessive vacuumer. ( I know that is not a word, but whatever. ) I ran the vac every day, sometimes twice a day. I started running the vac every other day, then a couple of times a week, then once a week if I was lucky. I know that seems like something small, but it signifies a lot as to my general state of mind.I only washed clothes when we pretty much had nothing to wear, instead of staying on top of it like I usually do.<br />
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All the small things that made me who I am as a person started to fade away, and I did not even see it until recently.<br />
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The biggest change came in the way I related to other people. I started letting others dictate my self worth, and I don't care how awesome you are, when you do that, you are going to come up short. There is always someone out there who delights in making you doubt yourself. There is always someone out there who is quick to judge, even if they are the last people who should be judging anyone.<br />
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I recently watched the movie <i>Mean Girls</i> for the first time, and that is kind of when I started noticing things. I was feeling a lot like Lindsay Lohan's character when she first got to school. Trying to integrate myself into an already established clique. Suspecting, and then knowing they looked down on her, talked about her. Just trying to find somewhere to fit in. I started becoming very needy and clingy. I took everything personally. I posted these dramatic things online, seeking attention. ( I did not realize that then, I realize that now. ) The only attention I got was bad. People started looking down on me, and saying snarky, unkind things. Backhanded compliments. People blasting me for my actions, then turning around and doing the same thing. THEIR actions was the first wake up. Although it was not done to help me, and in fact it might not have even been towards me, but in the end it did help, because I realized how they were being, and I have NO desire to be that person. No one should ever be one of the Mean Girls. I do not even like that type of person, so why would I want to BE that type of person? I am not a mean girl. Nor am I that girl trying to fit in.<br />
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Tonight I posted a joking status about how one of my biggest fears is to cook for other people's children. The person closest to me in the world posted a comment to build me up and tell me I was amazing and not to let some kid dictate the worth of my cooking. I sat here, blinking at the screen for a few minutes, trying to figure out why she posted that. I responded that I know I was an awesome cook, it's just that kids are picky and I was worried that Alex's friend would turn her nose up at dinner. ( She didn't, in fact she asked for more and told me I should tell her Mom how to make it, it was so good. ) Since I was talking to that person privately, I asked her "Do I come across as THAT damn insecure?" Her answer was "Yes, yes you do."<br />
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There was the REAL wake up call. This person knows me better than I know myself, even better than Jack, and if SHE saw me as insecure, knowing me backwards and forwards, knowing that I am usually a confident person, then obviously I had become insecure and not my usual self. That pretty much confirmed what I have been mulling over for a few weeks now. I had lost myself, and become something I never wanted to be again.<br />
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Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine, named Ravi. She is a local Slam Poet, and she shared one of her poems/lyrics with me, and it hit me really hard, and I asked for permission to share them, since she has not posted her stuff in a public place yet. She gave me the go ahead and I posted it on my Facebook and I made a little graphic with the lyrics on it. ( You can also scroll down to the footer of this post and see it there in a larger version. )<br />
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I may be down, but I am not out. I am not weak. I would not be here today if I were weak, it takes a strong person to survive the life I have had. There is always going to be people out there who don't understand me, or even like me. There is always going to be people out there who want to run off at the mouth and think they are superior. There is always going to be someone walking away from me.<br />
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The secret is....those people do not matter.<br />
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Wasting my time and energy on chasing down people who might not want much, if anything, to do with me is an effort in futility. Letting ANYONE else dictate my self worth is a mistake. The people who are supposed to be in my life will be there WILLINGLY. The last two years have become a part of me and my life story, but they do not DEFINE me. Times are hard, but being myself is what is going to make sure I get through it. The person I was trying to become sure as hell could not handle it. Just because I get a little lonely sometimes does not mean I have to go chasing down the wrong people to fill the void. A void that is not even created out of actually being alone. I am never alone. I am surrounded by people who HONESTLY care about me.The void is from feeling like I am alone in my struggle. Everything adds up, and keeps getting piled on, and it is the loneliest thing in the world at times. The truth is I am never alone.<br />
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So no more of this needy, clingy, and insecure little girl. I am a strong woman. I already have people in my life who WANT to be there. I do not have to try to be someone I am not to fit in with people or get people to like me. I am not a victim. I am the gatdamn WOLF QUEEN. It is high time I start acting like it again. It is time to once again learn the lessons that my life long wolf totem is here to teach. I will take back the reins of my life, and stop trying to find other people to validate my existence.<br />
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I don't need it.<br />
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I can validate myself.<br />
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I am me, and that is all I can ever be. Anyone who does not like it can find the door, the unfriend button, or the unlike button.<br />
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The Queen is back in the Castle.<br />
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YOU...yes you...the person reading these words, are AWESOME. You are the most amazing you that ever was. No one else can never be you. Keep being you, as only you can. Bella loves you.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-58760132515994487532013-07-05T12:03:00.000-04:002013-07-05T12:03:08.846-04:00Free Book Friday 7/5/13Good Friday Morning everyone!<br />
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I hope you had a great 4th! Ours was a very small affair but we still had a little fun in spite of the non-stop rain we have had in the last 2 and a half weeks.<br />
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It is time for another Free Book Friday! I have an extra large edition for you today, with 21 titles!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvw9eI4-cBAjwTNP6No2R_-ui4mHwC2jyBzC-xrcMRDuBxB4ZrpnTpEzRbQiaVpQIz6gOi2Gahp_DmDbMQbl0IxK6GpKNO9aIkV6eDJB_jdajw8Hkk3UblP25Ls0Ge5gZYEN4Xtz2GvrsR/s1600/free+book+friday+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvw9eI4-cBAjwTNP6No2R_-ui4mHwC2jyBzC-xrcMRDuBxB4ZrpnTpEzRbQiaVpQIz6gOi2Gahp_DmDbMQbl0IxK6GpKNO9aIkV6eDJB_jdajw8Hkk3UblP25Ls0Ge5gZYEN4Xtz2GvrsR/s320/free+book+friday+pic.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Just click the picture of each book to be taken to the download page, and remember, you do not need a Kindle to enjoy these. There are <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=sa_menu_karl?ie=UTF8&docId=1000493771" target="_blank">free reading apps</a> on Amazon for your computer, tablet, phone, or other device! So start downloading!</div>
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*Please note that these books are free at the .com address of Amazon at the time of this posting. Book prices may change at any time, and these books may not be free on the .UK, .CA, or other country's Amazon websites.* </div>
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**All descriptions are taken from Amazon and not my own words** </div>
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Please share this post with your fellow free book loving friends and family!</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Sea-Silence-ebook/dp/B00DDUCDLS/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_3" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51zgyjnUnLL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-70,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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A book for your head and your heart. Winner of the Prix de l'Europe 2013.</div>
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A powerful novel from one of Ireland's best writers on the turbulent birth of a nation, and the lovers it divides</div>
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Ireland 1945. Young and beautiful, Iz begins a life on the south-east coast with her new husband. As she settles in to try and make her life by the ever restless sea, circumstances that have brought Iz to the town of Monument are shrouded in mystery. However, history, like the sea cannot stay silent for long. The war in Europe is over, and change is about to brush away the old order. Soaring across the decades that follow Ireland's newly won independence, sweeping across the fierce class issues and battles over land ownership that once defined Irish society, The Sea and the Silence is an epic love story set inside the fading grandeur of the Anglo-Irish class.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Witch-Collection-Stories-Series-ebook/dp/B0087THGAI/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_5" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51bbLO23smL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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The Witch World...Far away in space and time, the Witch World has become the legendary home of all who dream and wonder of unknown worlds.</div>
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LORE OF THE WITCH WORLD brings in one volume all the novelettes and tales which have not previously been collected, including the never previously published novelette, CHANGELING. </div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/psychological-thriller-combining-suspense-ebook/dp/B009I3TO4S/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_15" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51NkotX6ZzL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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It begins in the year 1929. DCI Thomas Rayne discovers the decomposed body of an unknown man in a Suffolk barn, a strange black symbol painted on the barn wall. A crime that Inspector Rayne never solved. A case he would go to his death calling his Curse.</div>
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More than eighty years later in 2011, guilt-ridden Gareth Davies seeks a quiet life in rural Wales. But his self-enforced solitude is soon to be violently shattered. Driving home one night in a snowstorm he knocks down and nearly kills a mysterious young woman in a country lane. </div>
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He doesn't know it but his life will never be the same again. The woman claims to be his twin sister Erica – a sister he never knew he had, because his unknown mother abandoned him in 1976 as a baby at Cardiff Central railway station. But his new found sister brings with her a dire warning: his life is in great danger. When she disappears unexpectedly, he decides he must find her. That’s when his nightmare truly begins.</div>
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Police find false ID papers in a Manchester flat, bearing Davies’ photo; a flat in which a woman has been murdered. Moreover, the details of the gruesome murder mirror those exactly of the man found in the barn by DCI Rayne in 1929. </div>
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Why is Davies being followed by a strange Canadian man? Why is ninety-year-old Sir David Lambert-Chide, wealthy pharmaceutical giant, desperate to find Davies’ sister too? Who is the attractive but mysterious red-haired woman who warns him he is being hunted by the deadly Doradus? And who or what exactly is Doradus?</div>
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What becomes clear is that someone wants him dead, whilst others want him very much alive. His life in the balance, he finds he’s being hunted for reasons he cannot fathom, with no one to turn to, not knowing who to trust and caught up in dark forces many hundreds of years old.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Woman-Wing-ebook/dp/B001F515JE/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_18" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51FOiyaLkhL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-67,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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'The Woman in the Wing' is an entertaining historical mystery that takes place in a WWII defense plant in Chicago. It offers a glimpse into the lives of women who served at home during World War II, Rosie the Riveters, and sheds light on the seldom told stories of the women who ferried military planes from plants to air bases around the country—Women Airforce Service Pilots—the WASP.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Victory-Garden-Sufficiency-Sufficient-ebook/dp/B00DQHI90W/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_19" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/619UwQwcVKL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-56,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Today's survivalists are more than long bearded men in the wilderness hunting wild game. Today, a survivalist is anyone looking to get off the suicidal, homicidal and genocidal path that today's toxic and tainted food pools have put us on.</div>
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Each trip you make to the grocery store to load up with more toxic bathed foods is taking you and your loved ones a step closer to an early grave.</div>
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It's incremental death by a thousand cuts... or should I say a thousand bites.</div>
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You see, our immune systems are under attack by chemicals exploding like nukes in our cells. Our bodies were not designed to fight off these manufactured assaults and as a result, the acceleration of everything bad is over running our bodies.</div>
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And since you can't change the food in the store, then change the food you eat.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Secrets-Heavenly-Plantation-ebook/dp/B00B40B0LI/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_37" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51N8idjqjbL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-62,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Olivia’s marriage to an African-American man was unacceptable to her mother Emma, Southern-bred descendant of prominent South Carolina slaveholders. Olivia assumed that bigotry was the product of her mother’s loyalty to long-dead relatives, an allegiance to maintain the family’s white blood line. After Emma’s death though, Olivia finds a letter and an old journal among her belongings. Soon she discovers the secret that prompted Emma to irrationally blame an entire race -- a secret that had nothing to do with family history, although it strongly paralleled another tragic event from the past.</div>
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1846, Marianne Witherell’s journal: It was a time just before the American Civil War, when slavery is at its peak in the South. Marianne recalls meeting a young slave girl named Willa who suddenly arrived at Heavenly Plantation with her mother Heddie. Although Willa was destined to serve the wealthy plantation family as a house slave, Marianne and her younger brother Seth form a special bond with her, in spite of their older brother Foster’s warnings about the evils of mixing with the “darkies.” In the era of slavery though, friendships between the races have a definite shelf life as roles change and relationships are tested. </div>
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Although Willa grows up in the plantation house with her white friends, illegally learns to read, and wears Marianne's cast off gowns, she is still a slave. Never is that fact made more clear than when Foster taunts her and chastises his younger siblings for treating her like family. Then, on her fifteenth birthday the Mistress of Heavenly declares her childhood officially over when she appoints her to be Marianne's personal servant. Willa soon discovers the severe limitations of being a slave.</div>
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As it threads through the lives of its diverse characters, this novel captures the complicated and often violent nature of life in the antebellum South. "The Secrets of Heavenly" weaves a dramatic tapestry that includes forbidden love and faithful friendships alongside dangerous obsessions, mental instability, and murder as Willa' s story is told.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Almost-Paradise-ebook/dp/B009S29XMM/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_51" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51YyNHUcTVL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Louise, a mail carrier in Kaneohe, Hawaii, searches for Conchita Santos, an elderly customer on her delivery route who has mysteriously vanished. Louise encounters a murderer, who stalks her, but she get the better of him and solves the mystery of the missing woman...and two other unsolved police cases.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Coconut-Oil-Handbook-ebook/dp/B00CLUUGDS/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_62" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51WiZLnw3lL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Coconut oil is an all-natural remedy for a number of illnesses and ailments. It's used the world over for everything from weight loss to skin care.</div>
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The medium-chain fatty acids and other nutrients found in coconut oil are believed to deliver the following health benefits, which are all covered in this book:</div>
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Allergy relief.</div>
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Reduction of inflammation in the body, which is thought to be a contributing cause to a number of other health issues ranging from cancer to diabetes.</div>
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It enhances nutrient uptake.</div>
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Gives breast milk a healthy boost.</div>
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Fights off candida albicans (yeast) infections.</div>
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Hemorrhoid relief.</div>
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Thyroid health.</div>
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Weight loss.</div>
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Provides a quick energy boost.</div>
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Skin and hair care.</div>
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May help fight off diabetes.</div>
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May help fight off the effects of Alzheimer's disease.</div>
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All this and more is covered in this life-altering new book. </div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Small-Witch-Calaveras-County-ebook/dp/B00CLZD3H4/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_65" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/513d8x3Gr-L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-69,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Rosamunde is a teen witch living in Madrone, a small town in Northern California with more than its share of magical creatures. Her mother, the town’s only other witch, is overprotective and won’t teach her any of the more powerful spells. How far is her mother willing to go to keep her teenage daughter safe?</div>
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Rosa begins to feel like her mom is holding her back from more than just her spellcasting. With the help of a mischievous kitsune, the shy human daughter of a vampire, two supportive faeriekin and a mysterious man with many names, she will go on an adventure to find the extent of her mother’s influence over her entire family and the strength to stand against it. Can she survive the journey that will take her through the Veil to the Realm of Faery?</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ravage-Apocalyptic-Horror-Novel-ebook/dp/B00D3MSDSS/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_67" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51+-zfmn0NL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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FIRST PEOPLE GOT SICK. THEN THEY GOT VERY SICK..</div>
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Nick Adams is just a normal guy. He loves his family, appreciates his home, and covets his car. But he absolutely hates his job. Which is what makes it so difficult that not a single customer has come by his store today. It seems as though there’s a bug going around, something that has come out of nowhere and is keeping people at home. Still, it’s probably nothing to worry about. People get sick all the time.</div>
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And besides, things are finally starting to look up. Nick’s first customer of the day has just stumbled through the door… </div>
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HIS DAY IS ABOUT TO GET WORSE..</div>
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It won’t be long before Nick’s entire life is turned upside down, sending him on a frantic journey through a ravaged world that will ultimately lead him 500 feet upwards to a hilltop amusement park. Is it the last safe place on Earth, or are the monsters at the top of the hill even worse than the ones below?</div>
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WELCOME TO RIPLEY HEIGHTS. WHERE THE FUN NEVER STARTS.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Delusion-and-Dreams-ebook/dp/B00D0EHJHA/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_76" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41NkaYzGRAL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-63,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Twelve stories of betrayal, greed, revenge, deception, dreams, and courage.</div>
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We all struggle to find our way. What you see isn't necessarily all there is. This collection takes you into the grey area, because the world is never just black and white.</div>
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Life is all about perspective. One person's delusion is another person's dream.</div>
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Includes five bonus stories.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pike-Place-ebook/dp/B008SVWQRS/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_80" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51jhQIlXUlL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-70,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Set in 1971 Seattle, Pike Place tells the story of a young family whose teenage daughter goes missing. Told through the eyes of a 10-year-old girl, Pike Place takes the reader back to a simpler place and time in America. </div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Shoot-Weddings-Target-Training-ebook/dp/B007YJSS22/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_97" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/513zrA6VWuL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-65,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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One of the first and foremost routes to becoming a professional photographer is through weddings!</div>
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As your friends and relatives learn that you are "INTO" photography, sooner or later one of them is going to ask you to shoot their wedding. It could be as the sole photographer or as a backup to the hired professional.</div>
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Do it right and you will be the family hero...do it wrong and at the very least you could wind up being shunned by the family. At the other end of the spectrum, you could be sued into oblivion. Even if it was a freebie!</div>
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This ebook "How To Shoot Weddings Like A Pro" is not about how to make pretty pictures - I have an entire "On Target Photo Training" course for that...</div>
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This ebook is about the precautions you have to take to keep your friends and family and avoid being sued. Plus it is about WHAT to shoot in each of the phases of the wedding - from engagement photos through the reception. It gives you a very thorough shot list so that you will NEVER miss a shot that was important!</div>
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Follow the advice in this e-book and you will stand head and shoulders above most professionals! Soon it won't just be your friends and family asking for you!</div>
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Wouldn't it be nice for your photo hobby to turn into a part time venture that can bring in $2 - $3 - or even $4,000 per month? It really isn't that hard when you know what to do...Get your copy today! You won't regret it!</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Mosaics-Designs-patterns-Mosaic-ebook/dp/B00DQCP022/ref=zg_bs_154607011_f_4" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61q5QuC8WGL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-58,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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If you are looking for some new mosaic patterns, this is exactly the book for you. The book "Mosaics - Designs and Patterns" contains plenty of sketches ready to copy. You can apply the same colors or choose your own Pallette and create beautiful mosaic works. </div>
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Alongside the book there is a gift – a pdf file with all the designs, just print and create!</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/A-Change-of-Needs-ebook/dp/B00ANFCKW8/ref=zg_bs_154607011_f_73" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51VDzQjrtUL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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An affair, it was never about "romance," only lust... But lust became love, and love begot jealousy, obsession, betrayal and ultimately redemption ...maybe? And if love is a drug ...affairs are its "crack." "A Change of Needs" is the story of one man's crooked path through life that leads him to a married woman's doorstep and the "straight and narrow" path she has taken that leads her to inviting him inside. What follows is a unique, often uncomfortable modern-day psychological drama about what happens when one ordinary man accepts the invitation to cross that imaginary boundary each of us draws around our life that defines us.</div>
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At its core, "A Change of Needs" is a love story ...atypical, but a love story nonetheless. The author takes the reader on an intimate journey characterized by mind-games and manipulations, and like a lustful train wreck ...they can see it coming but can't look away or stop it. Told with a careful "Southern twang," it's a clever, provocative and raw examination of the relational dynamics of an affair and the mutually detrimental consequences of an intimacy and "trust" built upon lies and secrecy. There is no fidelity among the unfaithful ...affairs are messy, they never end well.</div>
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Set in Raleigh and the Triangle area of North Carolina, it's an entertaining and contemporary tale of sex, love, friendship and betrayal. Told with a distinct and endearing style that relates some of the most common experiences of love and life in a most uncommon way. By no means your garden-variety romance novel, men and women alike will enjoy this fictional cautionary tale about how "sometimes getting what you want ain't a good thing"... It's been called a "roller coaster" of emotions, so buckle up... but don't deny yourself the experience, it's refreshingly different and unique in a cookie-cutter literary world.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Longest-Half-Mile-ebook/dp/B00AQYXG4W/ref=zg_bs_154754011_f_27" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51vW6sVYekL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-70,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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At the age of 18 wearing a clean pair of jeans with $25 in my pocket, I climbed aboard a German freighter leaving San Francisco on a three year journey around the world. The trip began hanging off scaffolding over the Pacific painting the ship’s hull. In the land down under, I roamed the pubs of King’s Cross by night while confronting madmen by day in Australia’s biggest insane asylum. Arriving in Europe, I began a quest to transform into a Frenchman, absorbing French culture while working the fields during wine harvest, waiting tables, clerking by night and cutting lumber by day. I crossed paths with gypsies, con artists, and drug dealers. I also found friends and lovers who showed me new ways of seeing the world.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Prophetic-Neighbor-Blogging-Clairvoyance-ebook/dp/B008CQ0O5U/ref=zg_bs_154754011_f_43" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41x3Ojp7FoL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-52,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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A Prophetic Neighbor chronicles the life of Jason Claymore, a psychologically unstable, retired journalism professor, as he struggles to deal with a series of unfortunate events during one month of his life. Based on Claymore’s notebooks from that month, research, and interviews, the story begins when his neighbor, a mysterious and beautiful woman, angrily confronts him about a blog post that she claims ridicules her. This confrontation sets in motion a series of events that threatened to drive Claymore screaming into the woods with anxiety. As the pages turn, you’ll meet his often strange and sometimes mystical neighbors and friends. A Prophetic Neighbor will take you into the world of a normal man who is forced to deal with paranormal phenomena, treacherous former colleagues, secrets, twisted sex, violence, and love.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Ghost-Jack-Woodford-ebook/dp/B006ZS4JTY/ref=zg_bs_154754011_f_72" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/518VMKL8b9L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-57,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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A voyage of discovery as I search for a lost American author from the early half of the past century. </div>
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From the online newsletter of renowned author Piers Anthony....</div>
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...And one more, not a novel but a biography. The Ghost of Jack Woodford, by Keith Nichols, that I received half a year ago but didn't get around to reading until now. Jack Woodford was the literary pseudonym of Josiah Pitts Woolfolk, a popular novelist of the 1920s and 1930s who then disappeared from the literary scene almost without trace. Most listings of American writers don't mention him. How come? I see two reasons. First, he was a trashy novelist, publishing many adventures and sex novels, writing to the public taste. Some said 140 books in all, but a number can't be documented. (For comparison, I have had 130 published, with 7 in the pipeline, and I'm not yet done. I tried to Google Andre Norton's bibliography, as I understand she wrote about 150 books, but though it said it downloaded it, I am unable to find it on my system. Par for the course. Maybe a reader will tell me how many she wrote. Anyway, Woodford wrote a lot.) Critics prefer to pretend that such writers don't exist. Second, he wrote several books telling the truth about writing and publishing.... I learned that the love of Woodford's life was his daughter, Louella, on whom he doted. No, not incestuously; this was Family. She had potential, selling several novels before she was 20, with aspirations as a Hollywood actress. But then her career and his life were cut off by her insanity. She was in and out of mental hospitals, and he went broke trying to afford treatment for her. He was finally institutionalized himself, and died bankrupt and depressed. So the story of his life is a tragedy, but he was in his ornery fashion a great man. </div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Pantry-Cookbook-ebook/dp/B006IVHEFO/ref=zg_bs_156154011_f_1" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/5106jmkUL3L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-55,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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We have all lived through tough times when we have trouble paying the bills. After they are paid, there is nothing left over for food. What do you do then? When your household is looking to you for a meal and you don't know how to come up with anything. I have lived through those times too. </div>
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This book, I hope, will help you. It is not a book of tips on how to save money. It is a book of recipes that I hope will help. You can substitute other ingredients if that is all. I have tried to come up with good ideas and good food. </div>
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Learning how to make meals out of simple every day ingredients is the first step. This is the way it used to be done. I know. My grandmother did that. So did my own mother. It makes the hard times easier to get through if you can put a decent meal on your table.</div>
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I have recently updated this version and added more recipes to it. I hope you find it useful and use it when you have to cut back. The first place most people cut back is on their grocery budget. I hope that this book will help you through that struggle.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Quirk-Books-Entertains-Your-ebook/dp/B00CRLQL12/ref=zg_bs_156154011_f_50" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ZPCqtnC6L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-49,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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This summer, Raising Quirk's mission is to keep your kids from ever having to say "I'm bored." So we've rounded up our favorite crafts, recipes, games, and activities from Quirk Books titles and jam-packed them into our funnest, awesomest, and kid-friendliest e-sampler yet. Whether you're taking your family on the road or stuck indoors on a rainy day, we've got you covered. Projects include: COOKING: How to Teach a Kid to Cook Robot Bites Banana Split Pops Little-Bitty Fudge Puppies CRAFTING: Bottle-Cap Frames Starburst Straws Turtle Magnet Get Your Kid to Clean Up OUTDOOR ADVENTURE: Get Your Kid to Put On Sunscreen Plan a Scavenger Hunt Yakima! Choreograph a Fight Scene Nick and Tesla's Low-Tech (Practically No-Tech) Bottle Rocket and Launcher RAINY DAY ANTICS: Get Your Kid to Play Alone Futaleufú Mattress Rafting Put on a Comedy Show Learn a Magic Trick FUN ON THE GO: How to Keep a Family Happy During Car Trips Make Trail Mix and Hit the Trails! How to Build a Sand Castle Games to Play in the Car Children don't come with an owner's manual, so Raising Quirk brings together advice, activities, entertainment, and, most important, other parents who still feel kinda like kids themselves. Our motto: We help cool parents raise cool kids. After all, parenting is a lifelong adventure, and we're all in it together. Consider us your virtual playgroup and join us at Raising Quirk online.</div>
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Backyard-Chickens-Beginners-Homesteading-ebook/dp/B00BWXNMEK/ref=zg_bs_156699011_f_79" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51qJxnU3R0L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Are you considering raising backyard chickens?</div>
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If you are, then this is the book you've been looking for. This valuable guide covers everything you need to know to get started raising a flock of chickens in your backyard. Raising chickens is easy, but it's all too easy to make costly mistakes when you're first getting started. This book takes most of the guesswork out of raising backyard chickens. </div>
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The following topics are covered in this helpful book:</div>
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Why you should be raising backyard chickens.</div>
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The big differences between commercial eggs and the fresh eggs you get from backyard chickens.</div>
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The handful of supplies you need to get started.</div>
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Designing a coop.</div>
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Feeding and watering your chickens. Includes tutorials on how to build an inexpensive waterer and feeder.</div>
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The various types of bedding.</div>
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The deep litter system of bedding.</div>
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Free-range chickens.</div>
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Breed selection for laying and meat birds.</div>
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Feeding your chickens.</div>
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What diatomaceous earth is and how it can benefit you.</div>
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Predator control.</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-48933747967357011552013-07-02T09:17:00.002-04:002013-07-02T10:50:44.823-04:00A different viewpoint....<div>
This is going to be a VERY long one folks, so go on and get a tasty beverage and a snack, you might be here a while.<br />
<br />
I am not one of those bloggers who write a lot about current events, or politics, LGBT issues, or even religion. ( Just because I am a bisexual witch does not mean I feel the need to take up the call to educate the masses. I just want to be left alone to be me, there are others out there way more influential, capable, educated, and qualified to teach people about it. I realize that.) All I really have at the end of the day is my opinion, and because I respect people, I tend to keep that to myself, because I have a different outlook on a lot of things than most people do. I am not quick to slam people, or even lift people up, because I understand that everyone looks at things differently, and because I have a wide variety of friends, I think it is better to let a lot of things go then get embroiled in some debate or bitter battle over it. Just because we feel differently about something, does not mean I am going to stop being your friend, or call you stupid, or other names, simply over a difference of opinion, especially if it does not directly affect me. That is just the way I am.<br />
<br />
This post is brought about by the whole Paula Deen scandal, and before you roll your eyes or get your dander up, hear me out.<br />
<br />
I am not going to write a post rehashing the details of what has happened, or defend or persecute her. I want to talk about something else that is basically a side effect of what has happened with her.<br />
<br />
Let me go ahead and get it out of the way and give you a brief statement of where I stand on the whole thing, just so there is no confusion. I will make it quick.<br />
<br />
I am not a supporter of Paula Deen.<br />
<br />
I think what she did was wrong, although I think her BROTHER is a worse individual, and I in no way condone the things she did, said, or the way she acted. This goes way deeper than her using a racial slur a few times, and I am well aware of that fact.<br />
<br />
Having said that, I also think that she is being used as a sacrificial lamb of sorts. I think she is being burned at the stake for a lot of her brother's crimes, and I think that people are trying to force this into a (forgive me) black and white situation, when there are a lot of grey areas that are not being addressed.<br />
<br />
Again, I am not here to debate the right or wrong of what she herself did. I want to talk about everyone else.<br />
<br />
But first, a little background:<br />
<br />
I was born and raised in North Florida, and I have lived here for my entire life. I was born in 1979, and when I was three years old, we moved from a predominately white county to a predominately black county.<br />
<br />
Now a lot of people think Florida is not part of the "South," but where I come from, which is Gadsden County, anything East of Panama City and North of say Lake City, was simply an extension of South Georgia. I lived about 10 or 15 minutes from the Florida-Georgia line, and there was virtually no distinction between our friends and family a few minutes North of us in Georgia. We sounded the same, we acted the same, we thought the same for the most part.<br />
<br />
When I said I moved to a predominately black county, I meant it. White people were ( and are ) the minority in that area. ( I live in a different county now.) We called my 8th grade year in school " The Year of the White People," not as a racially derogatory thing, but because there was about 30 white kids in school that year, and that was pretty much unheard of. 30 white kids in a 500+ kid school. We were amazed.<br />
<br />
I have written before about how I did not have the greatest school experience when it comes to racial issues. I had several black friends ( I mean, let's be honest, there was not much other choice, even if I WERE the type to exclude someone based on skin color...which I am not. ) and even in those 30 white kids, there was a strong clique atmosphere. I was mostly lucky as I rode somewhere in the middle, I was friends with members of all the cliques, mostly because we had all been friends since we were in Kindergarten and First grade, yet I was not a part OF any of the cliques. I mostly flew under the radar with the white folks. )<br />
<br />
The black kids were a whole different story. I did have many black friends, but I had a hell of a lot of black enemies too. These kids were taught to hate white people, we were the ones who had caused all their problems in life. ( Never mind that most of those black kids had way better lives than I did as a kid. ) I had pieces of notebook paper slid over to me, to see if I was " as white a sheet of paper," I had my red hair pulled and snatched by mean little girls, I was cornered often in gym class and in the back hallways, praying that I would not get my ass tore up because when one person fought, 50 other kids joined in. I saw some pretty brutal beat downs in middle school. I was groped against my will by big black guys in the halls and in class. I actually failed P.E. in both 7th and 8th grade ( this was back in the days before P.E. became a mandatory to pass class ) because I started to refuse to dress out, staying in the safety of the bleachers instead of in the middle of a sport ( I hated sports anyways, I was the nerdy reader yet goth girl ) because at least ONE of the gym teachers were not utterly prejudiced ( most were, openly ) so I might have a better shot at not getting a basketball or football to the face, or shoved down to the ground and stomped on, both of which had happened often.<br />
<br />
In shop class in 7th grade, I was whipped with a massive wooden paddle with holes in it by a massive 400 pound, 6 foot 2 black football coach, because of the lies a black girl told on me. I had missed a couple of days of school due to being sick, and we were working on wood joints in shop class. My (white) friend Tim had also missed a couple of days, and on the day we both returned, Coach W. told us to go into the wood room and get the pieces of wood needed to make up the projects we had missed. To the room we went, and the wood I needed was behind the door, and the pieces Tim needed were 30 feet across the room.<br />
<br />
So there we were, in opposite corners of a huge room, and this black chick who was in most of my classes that year and hated my guts slung open the heavy steel door, hitting me with it, as I was behind it, and poked her head in the room. I yelled "OW, watch IT," before I saw who it was, and then my blood drained from my face, because I knew trouble was coming, this girl made my life HELL. She looked at me, looked at Tim, ( 30 feet away, still ) and BELLOWED " OOOOH Y'all is KISSING! Ima tell Coach W.!" ( Yeah, that is how she talked. Sigh. ) She scampers off to go tell Coach and I stayed right where I was, and so did Tim, because we were doing nothing wrong. Coach comes lumbering his ass in there and asks us what happened, and we both told him the truth, we were getting the stuff as we were told to do, we were across the room from each other, and had been the whole time. Well, Coach HATED white people and had no problem telling you so. So he already did not believe us, and it did not help that the girl's friends all backed her up.<br />
<br />
He made us come into his office, which had a door but one wall was glass, so he could overlook the shop and sit in his air conditioned office. He was a huge man, and it was hot in the shop, I can't say I blame him. Anyway, everyone was afraid of Coach, even the black kids. He was mean, and brutal, and I have no idea why he even taught because he seemed to hate kids in general. When he took us in the office, we knew we were in trouble. He asked us what happened one more time, and told us to tell the TRUTH, and we repeated the same story, because it WAS the truth. When we were done, he told us " Well, I don't believe y'all little crackers, and y'all is going to get licks." Now even then, you were supposed to have written permission to use corporal punishment on a child, and neither of our parents had signed such a thing. We each got 5 licks. Tim went first, and I felt bad, because he was a skinny little thing, and was only wearing thin gym shorts because he has gym next period. I had just come from gym, and I had on my shorts under my jeans, plus, not to be gross, but I was on my moon time and back then I wore two pads, one in front and one in back, to protect my clothing because our classes were so spread out we often did not have time all day to use the restroom. I had a few layers between me and the paddle, but I will not lie, it still hurt. Coach was huge, the paddle was thick and full of holes, and he used a LOT of force. He lifted us both off the ground with the force of his swings. Tim sniveled a bit, trying to be brave, and I did not cry, even though I wanted to, because I was SO PISSED. As I mentioned, the office has a glass wall, and every damn kid in class was lined up in front of that window to watch us get hit. When we got finished and were sent out of the office, the girl who got me in trouble smirked at me, she was happy with herself. ( In case you were wondering, yes I told my parents, yes they flipped out and went to the school and Coach got in trouble. It made my life worse for the next two years. )<br />
<br />
Lots of other things happened, but I think you get the point.<br />
<br />
Even though I was treated so terribly, I did not call them racial slurs. They called each other that, and they called us "honkys" and "crackers" and things like that. Some of the white kids who had racist parents, and were taught it was okay to call them racial slurs, and some of those who were just fed up in being bullied, called the black kids the N word and other things. Not all the kids, but some. However, these terms were also used in jest. Black kids would call white kids crackers and the like, joking, and the white kids with black friends called them the N word also in jest.<br />
<br />
Now, that was us kids. I have to point out about the older folks too. Now, people of our parents generation tended to use the word with hate, or in a derogatory manner. That generation seemed to be the one that caused a lot of issues, however the next generation, what would be the grandparents generation of us kids, they used the words too, but it was not usually filled with hate. It was descriptive, because in their day and age, that was normal. The N word was interchangeable and usually as innocent as if they used the world black, and the black folks used honky and cracker in the same manner. Now of course, not ALL of them used it in a seemingly innocent manner, but a huge portion of those people did, and I know this because I witnessed it. I have been present for conversations between adults where it was talked about, and I heard from both white and black older adults that this is just the way it was, and that is how they used it still today ( today being 20 years ago or more now. )<br />
<br />
I come from poor financial stock. My Dad's family was poor, and had been poor for many generations back. My Mom's side was better off, but not rich by any means ( although they are all mostly filthy rich now, not that we are. ) I have no idea if we had slaves way back in the day, but I know that if we DID, it was MANY generations back, because the last several generations were dirt poor and about the same in class as the slaves were at the time. I do not say that lightly, or think that white ( or Indian in my Dad's case ) were treated exactly the same or as poorly as slaves were, not at all. I am just saying that we were not much higher on the totem pole, to use a common phrase from my childhood.<br />
<br />
To tie this back to Paula for a moment, she came from the deep south, in a time where those words were normal, and not always derogatory. She came from a time where those words were used as a description just as calling me redheaded is now. I have NO clue of her intent when she said what she did,or did the things she did. What I DO know is that not everyone who uses those words, then or NOW, mean them in a terrible way. I know black and white people, TODAY, that use those words, and they do not use them in the "bad way." Does that make it right? Nope. Does that mean I am going to do that, because they say it is okay with them, or because some freaking celebrity said that is what they do? Nope. Have I said things in private, such as repeating a joke, in the past, that used those types of words? Yep. Have I been told ( by black friends ) things in the same manner? Yep. Do I think racism is funny or right? Hell no. Am I perfect, or naive and think that 99% of the population have not, at some point in their lives, uses a racial slur, either in a derogatory fashion, or in a joking manner where no one involved got offended? Not even close.<br />
<br />
I do not even hold hatred in my heart against Coach or the girl who got me in trouble anymore. I do not think they should lose everything they own because of what they did. Does it make it okay, what they did? Not in the least. But holding a witch hunt will not accomplish anything other than making me just as bad as they were.<br />
<br />
Here is where folks will balk at my words.<br />
<br />
If I were being abused at work, a place I worked at WILLINGLY, and I chose to REMAIN in that environment, then it is just as much MY fault for being in that situation as it is for the employer to treat the employee in such a manner. Now I understand that these people need their jobs. They have to survive, feed their families. I am NOT condoning the actions of the employer. But these were not slaves. These were free citizens. They did not have to keep being treated that way. While I know it was a different world back then, there were still things to be done to stop or bring to light that type of behavior.<br />
<br />
I worked for the Dept. of Education at one time ( well, twice, this was the first time ) in my life, and one morning, I go in to work and a co-worker calls me over and wants me to look at a video online. It was a video of two college girls filming themselves having sexual relations with their very large German Shepard. When I saw what it was I said "EWWWW that is SICK," and then I walked away and went to my desk and started my work day. Was I grossed out? Uh, yeah. Was I offended? No. I walked away. I was not forced to watch. Do I think it was inappropriate? Sure, it was a work place, (before work hours though, and there was no ban on what we could watch outside of work hours..) but as it in NO way affected me I did not feel I needed to go and tell someone.That may be wrong to some, but that is how I felt. I did not feel demeaned or unsafe or feel like my work place was a hostile environment, but if I HAD, then I would have taken the appropriate steps to rectify the situation. To bring it back to Paula for a bit, the second time I was told I would be paid in beer, or told I had to use a particular bathroom because of the color of my skin, you can bet your ass that I would have STOPPED WORKING THERE, and contacted the appropriate people and hopefully got something done about it THEN...not 20 years later when someone else says something first. I would not have STAYED and kept not being paid, or if I was being told things or treated in a manner that made me upset or uncomfy, I would have beat a path out of there.<br />
<br />
Before you all think I am heartless or stupid, or siding with the employers, I am not, I swear. I am fully aware of the competition for work, I am fully aware of the line between staying and putting up with abuse and having my kids go hungry or be homeless. I am fully aware of the rampant discrimination of that time period, and chances are that if they had gone to someone, they would not get the results they needed because of how things worked back then. I know all this. What happened to these employees in question is AWFUL. NO ONE should have to work in those conditions. I do not think that it is, in ANY WAY, the employee's fault that this happened. However, I feel that one of Paula's biggest crimes is TURNING A BLIND EYE while her brother treated these people like trash. I do not feel that Paula should be the one up there losing everything. Should she go unpunished? Of course not! She did things that were very wrong. But I feel people are using her as a scapegoat, first for her brother, whom no one cares about because he was not in the public spotlight as Paula is, and secondly because she is an easy target. We can't seem to prosecute the oh, say, POLITICIANS that the populace keeps electing into office, who do much worse things TO EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN EVERY DAY, but we can do it to an old woman who messed up 20 plus years ago. We can go at each other's throats because of what side of the argument you fall on against a CELEBRITY that WE elevated to star status, because we can't go after those people we really want to go after.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">To sum part one up, Paula and ESPECIALLY her brother should NEVER have treated their employees in such a manner, nor said the things they said to their employees. Never. The employees should never have been made to feel they were in a hostile work environment in any way. However, the employees should never have stayed or allowed themselves to be treated in such a way.You can't always control how another person will treat you, but you CAN control how you will allow yourself to be treated. They should have come forward LONG before now.</span></i><br />
<br />
Which brings me to my next point.<br />
<br />
( Told ya it was a long one...I have three points to make, although I admit the one above is not clear cut. The next two will be.)<br />
<br />
Part two is about how we view and treat these "celebrities."<br />
<br />
We, as a populace, tend to idolize and admire these people we call celebrities. They are usually gorgeous, talented, and rich people that live the life some of us wish we could have. We hang on to their every word, we scour the internet for news, we are sad when they pass away, we love it when they do good things, and we friggen slaughter then when they mess up. We take it personal, we are disappointed and let down when someone with so much power ( power that WE gave them, but I will get to that. ) uses it in a way we deem unfit.<br />
<br />
Why?<br />
<br />
Why do we hold these people to a higher standard than we hold say, elected officials and everyday people we come in contact with? Why do we treat these people as demi-gods, when they are just NORMAL PEOPLE who happen to have a particular talent that puts them in the public eye and gets them lots of our money. Ah, there it is. Money. We paid OUR money to elevate these NORMAL people into superstar status. Therefore, we think and act like they OWE us something, because we paid for them to do these things, so they MUST be everything we want them to be, right?<br />
<br />
Bullshit.<br />
<br />
Sure, they may be mega rich and beautiful and talented, but they are still NORMAL people, just like you and me. They just so happen to have a particular talent that gives them opportunities that we all do not have. Just like you and me, they are just humans, doing what they have to do in this life to survive until it is over. They just happen to be in the public eye and be a little better off financially than most of us. It is very unfair and unrealistic to hold them to some ideal they did not ask for. Just like everyday people, some of them are really wonderful people. They do great things, they go out of their way to do good, they use their money for worthy causes, they spend their time in noble pursuits. They strive to make the world a better place. On the other hand, some of them are total and complete asshats. They are mean, selfish, could care less about the world, and just like so many other NORMAL, UNFAMOUS people, they just want to go to work and be left the hell alone, they could give a shit less about anyone not important to them.<br />
<br />
Each and every one of us have this potential, to be good, or bad, to put it simply. Just because these people have a job that rakes in a ton of money and affords them the chance to do things every day people may not get does not change who they are at their core.<br />
<br />
I am willing to bet that Paula Deen's brother ( what is his name? Bubba, or something like that? ) was just as much of an asshat before he got a little bit of money as he is today. I bet MONEY on it, and I am broke as hell. I know it is a safe bet. I bet Angelina Jolie was as close to the same person she is now before she got famous.<br />
<br />
There are a ton of celebrities I could name on both sides of the spectrum, but you get my point.<br />
<br />
My question is, why do we really act SO shocked and surprised and take it so personally when a famous person does not live up to OUR standards WE impose upon them? Not THEIR standards and expectations for themselves, mind you, but a bunch of strangers who do not know them at all? Why do we think because they have a lot of money and spend a lot of time on camera that they have to be anything other than what THEY want to be? How would you feel if that famous person came to you, and told you that because you did not do XYZ, or because you did ABC that you deserved to have everything you are stripped from you, that you were such a disappointment to them because you did not live up to the expectations of a TOTAL stranger, that you were a terrible person and deserved to have everything taken from you. I hope you would tell them, in whatever way you feel appropriate, to kiss your ass, that you live by your own standards and by what makes you happy, and that person can get bent, famous or not famous.<br />
<br />
Now I am not really talking about Paula on this one, because she did some pretty shady shit, and she has to live with the consequences of her actions. Everyone does. In a perfect world, we would all treat each other with love, respect, and equality, "common" folk and celebrities alike, but this is not a perfect world. We, as a people, have not reached that point yet.<br />
<br />
My point is, you should be just as outraged if your neighbor called someone a queen as you are that Alec Baldwin called someone a queen ( AFTER they disrespected his pregnant wife, by the way. Where is everyone slamming that guy and ripping HIM to shreds? ) And maybe you would be, and that is great. That is how it should be. My point is that just because Alec Baldwin is famous does not mean he should be MORE punished and in a much more extreme manner that your neighbor would.<br />
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I do not think that it is right for us to feel that just because these people are famous that they are any less human that you and I are, and needs to be held to some more severe standard than everyone else. On the flip side, I also strongly disagree about celebs getting these little slaps on the wrist when they break the law, instead of getting the same punishment that an non famous person would get. They do not deserve to be treated any differently unless their actions indicate they need to be treated differently. Just because someone SEEMS so sweet and nice, does not always indicate who they are as a person, and just because a person seems like a jerk does not mean they are. You do not know them personally. You have no clue how these people are in "real life.." all you see is what is on a big screen, or on television or the net, where it is some people's JOBS to make these folks look as terrible as possible, because that is what a HUGE chunk of the population wants. They want to see these people's dirty laundry. They LOVE to see celebrities to trip up, to do something "stupid" to show their HUMANITY! Dirt gets WAY more press than good stuff. Not to mention, half of that stuff is fake anyways, and done simply for ratings or for publicity's sake.<br />
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I want to share with you a bit I posted earlier tonight on a social networking friend's page, as I touched on how I feel about the whole thing there:<br />
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<i>"Celebrities are doing there JOB. Their job as an actor, a comedian, a TV personality. WE are the ones who elevate them into role model status. THEY are just doing their JOB. Just because WE choose to elevate them to some lofty ideal, does NOT mean THEY are GOOD AND DECENT people. It does NOT mean THEY are actually going to act the way WE think they need to, simply because they are a celeb. They did not sign a contract when they reached celeb status that said " I will always be the perfect and moral ROLE MODEL for you, and I so do solemnly vow to never say a single bad thing about anyone or do anything stupid or wrong, because from this moment on I now renounce the fact I am a HUMAN and I will be the the perfect ROLE MODEL for humanity."</i></div>
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<i>NO! They do not. The problem is, people expect these people who are doing a JOB to be something more than they are because WE choose to elevate them to this status. WE choose to throw our money and support to these people and help make them who they are. I UNDERSTAND why people are disappointed, because as a human being, she, and everyone else should be better, but I fail to see why ANYONE acts all shocked and scandalized. THEY ARE HUMAN. Some humans SUCK. </i></div>
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<i>I might ADMIRE someone on TV or movies or in the entertainment business, but I have enough sense not to follow them off a cliff if they jumped off too. If I watched her, and then found all this out, NO WAY IN HELL would I start going around and treating people like crap JUST BECAUSE PAULA DID. </i></div>
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<i>I feel people grossly OVERestimate these celebrity people, and grossly UNDERestimate the intelligence of the population. ( YES I know there are idiots out there, I know. )</i></div>
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<i>For the record, I think what she did was wrong. I am NOT a Deen supporter. She will get what she deserves, it is already happening to her. What happens to her next is honestly up to her. Having said that, I think it is OUR fault, as a SPECIES, that things get to this point because we place soooo much credibility and things onto these people who YOU DON'T KNOW, and most likely DO NOT DESERVE to be put on this pedestal. They are just normal PEOPLE who have a talent, and that talent puts them in the public eye. SHOULD they all be decent people? Yes. ARE they are decent people? Hell no."</i><br />
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That pretty much sums up how I feel about that part.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Celebs are just people, like you and I, and they do great things, they make really stupid mistakes, and they do really abhorrent things, just like we are ALL capable of. The fact they are famous has NO bearing on the situation, aside from the fact that they will be going through the consequences in front of an audience of millions,while what we do or do not do might only be known by a few people.</span></i><br />
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Still with me? Thanks, I know this is a very long one with a lot going on, but I am ready to get to the final point of the day.<br />
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This situation with Paula has brought a lot of strong emotions out in people. Almost everyone has an opinion, usually a strong one, about the whole thing. That is expected. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. What bothers me is watching not only strangers attack strangers on blog posts, news articles, and social media, but FRIENDS calling each other stupid and ignorant, and many other things because of the difference in opinion. I have seen people be attacked, their whole belief system under fire, by people they call friends. Because they are not willing to slam someone, then they get called names, they get their morals undercut, they get treated harshly, and the same thing happens if you do slam someone.<br />
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Call me crazy, but treating someone like shit because they do not feel the same way you do, when the subject is about someone who treated people harshly, sounds a bit...oh, I don't know..hypocritical? Calling people you normally respect ignorant and stupid makes you look pretty crappy yourself, in my opinion. I understand we all have our own opinion, but do we really have to resort to name calling and defamation of character over this? Is this not kind of the pot calling the kettle black, when you resort to similar tactics that the person you are so worked up over used?<br />
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Here is a bit I posted in a blog comment on an excellent post by <a href="http://www.incitingariot.com/2013/07/my-shady-grove-and-paula-deen-is-here.html" target="_blank">Inciting A Riot</a> earlier, that shares another bit on what I think about it:<br />
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<i>"What is just as bad, in a way, is that the people are turning so vicious on each OTHER. One person acts like Deen should be put to death, considering the vehemence she puts forward into ripping Deen apart, and if anyone in ANY way says anything other than also ripping Deen apart, well, then that person just can't deal with you and your stupidity. You must be stupid since you have your own *different* opinion that is not in agreement with hers. If you do not agree then you think shaming and slurs and gay bashing and discrimination and child and animal abuse are all okay! We can't possibly be friends if you don't think Deen is the anti-Christ!</i><br />
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<i>Extreme pot calling the kettle black, much?</i><br />
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<i>On the other side of the spectrum, there is a person ( and I am just using general terms here for he and she ) who is a staunch supporter of Deen, and thinks this is all "hogwash" and a big bunch of sensationalism and sure she should not have done those things but it is really as bad as all this that has happened, normal people do it every day and this does not happen to them...and if you are so against her than you are stupid and wrong and you must be one of those tree hugging hippies who thinks everyone should love everyone and you are an idiot because THAT IS NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD WORKS! We can't possibly be friends because you don't think Deen is being judged to harshly!!"</i><br />
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<i>Same pot, same kettle.</i><br />
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<i>Forgive my bad analogy, but the world is not so black and white. If ONE person ( celebrity ) can be burned at the stake for this, then shouldn't every single person, normal, celeb, politician, whatever, be held to the same exact standards? Does that mean I can go my grocery store manager's house and take his money, take his store, totally destroy him because I heard him call someone a racial slur, or smack a female employee on the ass as she walked by? No? Why not? </i><br />
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<i>Oh right, because he is not a role model. He is not famous. Yet, I give him a hell of a lot more money since I need food to live than I do Paula. Paula means nothing to me. I have never given her one red cent of my money. Yet my grocery store manager gets an insane amount of money from me every year. Shouldn't I care MORE about what HE said, than Deen said?</i><br />
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<i>"But you can not shop there, since you heard these things."</i><br />
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<i>True, but I am dirt poor and can hardly afford the gas to get to the ONE grocer in my tiny town. I do not have the options to go elsewhere all the time. We all have the option of turning these celebs into what they are. And we can take it away, as we have seen. All they are doing is making Deen a sacrifice, because everyday people can't do this to other everyday people, or the people we elect into office who do SO MUCH WORSE than Paula EVERY DAY. For that reason alone, it bugs me. What she did was wrong, but what is being done to her is not exactly right either. </i><br />
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<i>The people turning on EACH OTHER is CERTAINLY not right.</i> "<br />
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That is what it seems like to me, and based on what I have seen around the net, others feel similar to the way I do. ( And of course there are those that think everything I have said here today is wrong. I am aware of this.)<br />
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Now I realize I am not the smartest person out there, but it does not take a genius to feel and see that this is wrong. No one is going to get their point across by using these tactics, unless their point is to prove what a jerk they are being. Being a jerk in the name of advocacy makes you no less of a jerk. It undermines the message you are trying to get across, and when an influential person uses these methods, you really become hypocritical. I could go on about people parroting these influential people, acting just like them and speaking as they are, and trying to emulate them instead of being their own unique person with their own unique voice, even if the message is the same, instead of a carbon copy of people who might not even really deserve to be emulated, but that is a whole different blog post, and another novel length one to boot. It also ties in with celebrities, and our fascination with them, and the fact that we really do not know them well enough to be acting like them or repeating their message without doing our own legwork first.<br />
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I just feel it is counterproductive to tear into each other and treat people badly while arguing about how a celebrity mistreated people. That seems a bit ironic to me.<br />
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Arguing about a person who has mistreated others while bashing the people you are talking with is not the way to go about it, and it makes you look ridiculous. It makes people lose respect for you, and for some it is tarnishing their carefully crafted image. Since some people polish their image to reflect what is really inside...you are losing the credibility and the things that made people look up to you in the first place.<br />
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Just like Paula Deen.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-37466558528496542272013-06-26T00:55:00.000-04:002013-06-26T00:55:06.671-04:00I will get the hang of this knitting thing yet...I have mentioned here several times that I wanted to learn how to knit, and crochet.<br />
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I knew how to crochet as a teen, I remember a few rainbow colored bookmarks that I made, but I have long since forgotten how to do it.<br />
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A couple of years ago I went out and eagerly bought a "How to Knit" and a "How to Crochet" kit, and a few skeins of yarn. I came home, got everything ready, popped the DVD in the player...and 30 minutes later I was flinging it all to the other side of the couch. The chick in the video went so fast, I could not keep up, and my poor shaking hands were all over the place. I gave it a rest for the night, and tried again a couple of more times later before I just gave it up. I thought my hands were to bad and I just could not keep up with that woman in the video. The crochet video was just as bad..hosted by the same lady.<br />
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I decided that knitting and crocheting were just not for me, and did not give it another thought for a long time.<br />
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A few weeks ago, I noticed that every time I went into my craft cabinet, those kits were sitting there, silently mocking me with their presence.<br />
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Then my oldest friend posted a picture of her sitting on her bed, knitting, with her baby nearby. I begged her to teach me, since I had all the stuff....and she said she would, but we live over an hour away from each other and we do not get to see each other in person very often.<br />
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Skip ahead to last night, and I was perusing one of my favorite blogs, <a href="http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Down To Earth</a>, which I have written about here before, and came across <a href="http://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/2013/06/save-money-with-knitted-dishcloths.html" target="_blank">THIS</a> post. Mrs. Rhonda talks about knitting dishcloths to save money ( and the environment in my opinion. ) and she had a few links to some beginner videos included in her blog post. I admit, I was skeptical at first. I have watched a few youtube videos and even the beginner videos were to fast and complicated for me. I adore Mrs. Rhonda, and I know how wonderful she is about teaching, so I decided to trust her and give the links a shot.<br />
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I waited until my "free internet" time, after 2am, and watched the first video, which is how to cast on. That is the one part I could actually do, I just never could figure out how to knit the second row. Well, in this video, the lady teaches a different, much easier way to cast on than the way I was taught in my instructional video that came with my kit. I went and drug my supplies out, and tried her method, and was happy that I picked it right up. I moved on to the next video, which taught what to do after you cast on. It took me a little bit, but I am happy to announce that even though they look like total crap, much like what I imagine a ball of yarn would look like after a cat got finished playing with it, I actually knitted about 5 rows last night. Even though it is not pretty, it is uneven, and the first two rows are filled with overly large stitches and a few dropped stitches, I KNITTED 5 ROWS! That is 4 more rows than I have ever knitted before! I am so proud of myself!<br />
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Now, my hands still give me some trouble...I am shaky and there are times I really have to concentrate on making my hands do what I need them to do...but I knit. Five whole rows. Tonight, after dinner, I knitted another row. I am thinking of starting over though. Because I was practicing my cast on, I filled my needle up too much, so it is a bit hard to keep going due to all the stitches I am having to fight with slipping around on the needle. Instead of a straight piece of cloth, I have a ruffled row that is a little hard to work with, especially considering that I am just getting started. It also keeps me from accurately gauging my progress because again, it is all ruffled up and not straight, so I cant see how straight my stitches are. I also would like to get ( or make, now that a wonderful lady over on the fan page shared with me how she makes her own "knitting sticks" ) some fatter, wooden needles. The ones I have, while a gorgeous cobalt blue, are metal, and pretty skinny. They are very slick and because they are small, I have a harder time working with them with my hands acting up the way they do. In spite of that, I am still VERY excited to keep doing this. Now, I do not know how to cast OFF yet lol, but I intend to watch that video tonight. I have no idea how to do anything fancy, or make anything other than a flat cloth, but I have to start somewhere, right?<br />
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Even better, I had a great discussion on the fan page with a couple of the ladies there, and I just loved that! I promised I would show my work from time to time, but I think I am going to wait until I start over. I got a little overzealous and made things harder for myself, and I would like to see what it looks like if I use a normal amount of stitches instead of the probably 60 I have on my poor little needle. At the same time, I am loathe to stop, even on this mess I am working on, because it is my first actual knitting...thing...lol. I may work on this a little longer, just to work on getting the stitches down...and then start over. I have two massive skeins of yarn, and two smaller balls, one of the latter is what I am using now...a multicolored ball with purples, blues, pink, and white.<br />
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Even though this is full of mistakes most likely, it brings a nice memory to mind when I look at it. My great grandmother used to knit doll dresses for my cousins and myself. Southern Belle type dresses. Floor length, with a ruffled bottom and a big floppy sunhat, with the top of a plastic doll for the torso and arms. She also made a similar creation for the older ladies of the family, to be used as a toilet paper roll cover that you sat on the back of the toilet. Well..my overzealous ruffles look just like the ruffles on the bottom of those dresses, and it makes me smile to look at it. Maybe I will post a pic of it after all...when I get a few more rows added to it.<br />
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Either way, I am really excited that I am actually knitting something...and I am excited to try my hand and crocheting as well. I have heard that knitting is much harder to learn..and me being me, I decided to tackle the harder of the two and try to figure that out before switching over to the easier one.<br />
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I want to give a big thanks to Rhonda at Down to Earth for posting the links to encourage me to start over...and to the ladies who talked with me over on the fan page, I had a lot of fun!<br />
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Do any of you knit? Do you have any tips or tricks to make it easier? Maybe you could share with me what it was like when you first started! I would love to hear from you!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-59143423827645947802013-06-24T00:28:00.000-04:002013-06-24T00:28:38.865-04:00Somewhere I belong...I am struggling again.<br />
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I am sure the stress of the last two weeks has played a huge part in that. The constant running around, the constant phone calls, ( we all know how I feel about the phone ) Jack being so ill and away from us. I fully understand all those things have affected me.<br />
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There is more to it.<br />
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I have been in hermit mode the last few days. I have not wanted to really speak to anyone, or do anything. I needed some down time. Certain people are not understanding or accepting of my Summer schedule. I am a night owl at heart, and all school year long we are up very early in the morning and go to bed around ten at night. In the Summer, we get to flip around. Alex and I both rather be up at night and sleep during the day. Unless we have appointments to keep, that is what we will do...but other people do not like that much. They do not understand it, it is not what they do, so they scoff at it, or make snide remarks. It bugs me. I am 34 years old, full grown, and at this time in my life, I do not have set schedule that I HAVE to follow, nor do I until August rolls around. No one here has any problems with it. Jack does not mind, and he is slowly swapping around to our schedule. He has no set time to do ANYTHING, so he can sleep and be awake whenever he pleases. It actually saves us money for Alex and I to be up at night. The cost of electricity is much cheaper at night, while during the day, "peak hours" cost more. Our light bill actually dropped since we flipped around. So for us, it works out much better to have this schedule. Why others have issues with it is beyond me.<br />
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The other issue is that I have been feeling very out of place. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I try to be friends with people...and I suddenly feel very awkward...like I am the butt of a silent joke that everyone is aware of except me. I feel alone and different. On the outside looking in. If I throw myself out there, I get shut down, or worse, I feel like I am being tolerated. I hate that. I much rather someone come right out and say "Look, I really do not like you, we have nothing in common, and I am only nice to you because I either feel sorry for you, or because you are friends with someone I care about. You and me? Not so much. " I can deal with that. I can RESPECT that. I just hate feeling like I am the person that everyone tolerates in order to not seem rude.<br />
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I only have ONE person that I do not feel that way with. Out of the many people I have semi-often to often interactions with, I only have ONE that I am 100% comfortable with, and who I know will tell me in a heart beat that I am being an ass, or unreasonable, or that when she says she loves me, I know she 100% means it. Our lives are so similar and parallel that she is the one person who gets it, and I know I am that person for her too. She is priceless to me, and I would be totally lost without her.<br />
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( There are a couple of others that I know are sincere and do show it, this is not about them. )<br />
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It sucks though. I have others in my life who say they feel the same, they care, they are here anytime...but I do not see it from them. I do not feel it from them. Now, I fully understand that I have a mental illness. Being bipolar means that we view the world a little differently, and that view is not always rational. I know that sometimes, the problem is simply me, it is in my own mind. However, I have been dealing with this long enough to recognize when I am being mental and unreasonable, and when there is actually something going on behind the scenes. I can't shake the feeling that something is not right in Whoville. It hurts. It hurts because I do not feel comfortable in going to these people and point blank asking them what the deal is. I am scared that the problem is all in my head, and asking them or mentioning it to them will only serve to make me that much more of an outsider. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Not the good kind of freak.<br />
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I feel very alone.<br />
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Sometimes I need to be alone, I am an introvert after all. This feeling of loneliness is much deeper. I feel lonely in my soul. I don't like it.<br />
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I have been cycling more rapidly these days...but instead of going from super low to super high and back again, I have been cycling from low to really low and back again. The upswing is not actually UP, there is no happy part...just a slightly less intense low. I have a call in to my doctor for next week...I am waiting to hear back for an appointment to discuss changing my meds. I am involved in phone therapy, which is both a blessing ( because we do not have the gas money to make three trips into town a week to see the doctor physically ) and a curse, because I dislike the phone so intensely.<br />
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I just feel really lost and alone, and nothing I am doing is working to bring me out of it.<br />
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I don't know what to do. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of making it worse, and I will end up even more alone. I am afraid that if I do not say anything, nothing will change and I will still be the butt of the joke, and alone. I am afraid that it is all in my head, even though I KNOW deep down that this time, there is something going on to make me feel this way.<br />
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I do not like feeling like the crazy person everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I do not like feeling like there is a lot of whispering going on behind my back. I don't like feeling that people view me as some high maintenance "friend" that everyone has to constantly deal with.<br />
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I have been trying to be kind to myself. I realize the anniversary of my Dad passing, Jack getting sick, having to deal with Dad not being here for Father's Day, Jack not being here for Father's Day, Jack losing his doctor, ( he is moving his practice somewhere else in Florida ) the mediation for settlement coming up...I realize all those things are affecting me, and I have been trying to be really kind to myself. I sleep when I feel the need to, I eat right ( we ALWAYS eat right though, I am not one of those that cram all manner of crap in my face and then complain about how crappy I feel. I don't care what you eat, as long as you enjoy it...but we enjoy eating good and wholesome foods. ) and have been adding more natural vitamins and stuff to my diet, trying to combat the lows and being tired. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with Alex, laughing and being silly with her. Aside from Jack being a bit grumpy due to pain, things are great between he and I. I have been playing games with Alex, cooking us yummy food, being silly, relaxing and resting. I am doing things I usually enjoy. I still feel terribly empty and alone though. I do not know what else to do to fix it. I am not sure if I can fix it. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor about what my diagnosis is for all my testing. I am pretty sure the answer will be that I have MS, so I have been trying to prepare myself for that, and what it will mean for me and my family. I am lucky that I have a rock solid person in my life, the one I mentioned earlier, who is well versed in all things involving MS...so I will have her to help me. It is still very scary though.<br />
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I have also been feeling like a selfish ass. It is not like I am the only person with problems. My friends all have their own lives. They have health problems, money problems, mental problems, life problems. Everyone is going through their own version of life, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I hate even talking about my own issues, because so many people out there have it worse, or have their own stuff to deal with. But as a friend told me once, just because other people have it worse, or have their own stuff going on, that does not mean what I am going though is not important, or that my feelings are not valid. I just hate to dump all my shit on someone else when they are going through their own stuff. It makes me feel like my own problems are so petty and unimportant. Even though to me the problems are massive and important, I know that to others, it is very low on the scale of things that constitute a major issue.<br />
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What do I do about it? Who do I turn to when I feel like people do not even want to talk to me, and because of my issues, I cannot even accurately judge if that is true, that they do NOT want to talk to me...or am I just being a head case and jumping at shadows? How do I combat the feelings of being alone when I am to unsure of myself to talk to anyone?<br />
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I am asking for help, but I am admitting that I do not know what kind of help I need. I don't want to be that one person that everyone just deals with, and rolls their eyes when they read stuff like this and think, " Everyone get ready, Bella has lost her mind again. Here we go with the bullshit!" I am asking for some honestly and clarity. I am asking that the people who are in my life to stay because they actually want me in their life, and if they are just going through the motions or tolerating me, I ask that those people tell me that, so we can part ways and move on so they no longer have to deal with me, and I no longer have to worry about if they really want to be there or not.<br />
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I am asking, for those that stay, to forgive me for any weirdness, for my struggling, for not being totally sane and level all the time. I am asking for understanding, because I am just trying to figure this shit out as I go, just like everyone else. I am asking for those in my life to tell me what THEY need from me...because I want to be there for all of you. I do not want it to be about me all the time. I will give people the shirt off my back if it will help. Just know that sometimes things go sideways in my brain, and I need a little something extra every now and then. Tomorrow I might be on top of the world, and the next day I might be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I no longer have to go through this.<br />
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It is hard, and I try very hard to not let this define me, but the honest truth is, this IS a part of who I am. Glossing over it or sweeping it under the rug does no good. It means I am not being honest with myself, and it means that I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not to my friends and people I care about. I rather have one single person who truly wants to be around me than 30 people who just tolerate me because they are nice people. That may be too much to ask, but I do not really think it is. We all deserve honesty.<br />
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I think this will end my rambling tonight. If you are still reading, thank you. I know these things are not a fun read, and people probably get tired of hearing it, but if I do not get it out, then it festers and turns into something even uglier than what it already is.<br />
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I care about all of you, and I hope that you stick around as I try to navigate the sometimes rough waters of life. I appreciate you all.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-774558004598261412013-06-21T17:00:00.000-04:002013-06-21T17:00:03.136-04:00Bella's Book Review: 'Avalon: A Novel' by Anya SetonIt is time for another Bella's Book Review!<br />
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Today I am writing about <i>Avalon: A Novel </i>by Anya Setton.<br />
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From Amazon:<br />
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"<i>This saga of yearning and mystery travels across oceans and continents to Iceland, Greenland, and North America during the time in history when Anglo-Saxons battled Vikings and the Norsemen discovered America. The marked contrasts between powerful royalty, landless peasants, Viking warriors and noble knights are expertly brought to life in this gripping tale of the French prince named Rumon. Shipwrecked off the Cornish coast on his quest to find King Arthur's legendary Avalon, Rumon meets a lonely girl named Merewyn and their lives soon become intertwined. Rumon brings Merewyn to England, but once there he is so dazzled by Queen Alrida's beauty that it makes him a virtual prisoner to her will. In this riveting romance, Anya Seton once again proves her mastery of historical detail and ability to craft a compelling tale that includes real and colorful personalities such as St. Dunstan and Eric the Red."</i><br />
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For some reason, ever since reading the Mists of Avalon books...no matter where I see the word "Avalon," that is what I always think of. I tend to forget that Avalon has a rich history devoted to it, outside of those books. When I picked up <i>Avalon: A novel,</i> I expected a book full of magic and Goddesses.<br />
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It did not take me long to figure out there would be neither of those in this book. It took me a bit to get into the story of Rumon, a French prince on his way to England to find something to do with his life. His ultimate goal is to find the fabled isle of Avalon, a place where he believes wonders await him.<br />
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Along the way he comes across a girl named Merewyn, and she quickly becomes intertwined in his story. Merewyn has a supposed royal lineage, but the truth comes to light and Rumon learns of her scandalous past. Follow both Rumon and Merewyn as they lead their lives, watch their fate dance and spin around each other; sometimes bringing them close together, and sometimes driving them far apart.<br />
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Marketed as a romance, this book is hardly a bodice ripper or sappy love story. Rich with history, it creates vivid mental imagery as you turn the pages. Evil Queens, lovesick lads, strong women, nuns, Vikings, and more await you within the pages of this book. There were times I could hardly see the words through the tears in my eyes, and at times I smiled in triumph and I even let out a little gasp of shock from time to time.<br />
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My favorite part of the book was what I call " The Viking Years," as I have a deep love of the Norsemen, and it was interesting to see how Seton wove their story in with Rumon and Merewyn.<br />
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I loved the book, and even got Jack to read it. He also thought it was very good, and this is one that I will read over and over. It has earned a permanent place on my bookshelves.<br />
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I give it 4 Stars! <br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-59275302611128874152013-06-20T23:29:00.000-04:002013-06-21T01:40:29.546-04:00Bumps in the road....The closer we get to a huge life change, the more rocky the road we travel to get there becomes.<br />
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It is to be expected, and honestly at this point in my life, I am an old pro in rolling with the flow.<br />
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There are some things that still throw me for a loop, and anything happening to my kids or Jack affects me in a big way.<br />
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Jack was in the hospital for 6 days last week.<br />
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He had an attack of diverticulitis. Long time readers know that he was diagnosed a few years ago, when he got an infection so bad that it almost killed him.<br />
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This time, he knew what was happening, and had me take him to the E.R. at the first sign of trouble. The down side was, I had been up for 24 hours prior, and was in town with my Mom when he called. I went to a doctor appointment with my Mom for some moral support, and had not slept yet, since I had planned to sleep when I got home. I ended up having a late lunch with Mom and we had been having some pretty deep conversations when Jack called and told me he needed help. He did not want to call an ambulance because he had Alex, and did not want to scare her, so Mom and I rushed home and she took Alex with her while I took Jack to the E.R.<br />
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We got there at 5 pm and after a couple of CT scans and blood draws they determined his white count was through the roof and wanted to keep him. He finally got a room at 3 that morning. I had been awake for 38 hours by that point. I was in no shape to drive so I got a couple of hours sleep on a pull out chair and finally went home the next morning when I was in a better position to drive. Mom kept Alex the whole time, but I only got to go see Jack once, due to gas money issues. I was very unhappy with him being gone. Luckily things were not as bad as they were last time, because he went right in at the first sign of trouble, but it was still very painful for him. It is impossible to rest in a hospital, so he was tired and grumpy, and missing home. He had to spend Father's Day alone in there. While I did not cry or anything, I still hated being apart from him. In the almost ten years we have been together, we have only been apart at night twice, once the first time he went through this, and the next when I broke my ankle and had to stay with my Mom since he had to work and I could not be alone for a while. It was hard. Not only are we husband and wife, we are each other's best friends, and we do not handle being apart for long very well.<br />
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I spent a lot of time cleaning and doing stuff around here to keep busy, and talking to him often on the phone. On the 6th day his white count was within normal parameters and they let him go home with prescriptions for antibiotics at home. He is still tired, but feeling much better.<br />
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I am happy he is feeling better and that I have he and Alex back home, where they belong. My family is my center, and I do not feel right when they are not with me.<br />
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We had his last appointment with his back doctor on Monday, after he was released from the hospital. His Dr. is retiring from the place he was currently at, and he is moving to Destin to open a practice there. I was sad..I have known that doctor for over 20 years. He operated on my father and several other people I know. He is almost like family at this point. He gave me a hug and shook Jack's hand, wished us luck, and asked us to keep in touch, and let him know how things turned out, and that he was handing us over to his old partner, who is staying there in the practice. His partner is a good doctor too, we actually saw him first before we requested his current doctor when we found out he was available. There is really nothing to be done medically right now...they can't fix him, and we go for our first mediation next month. So now we try to move on with our lives and adjust to the fact that Jack will never be as he was before he got hurt. Jack is still struggling with the acceptance part. I am just happy he is alive and able to continue with his life, even if it is not in the same capacity as it was prior to the injury.<br />
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As for me, I had my nerve test almost two weeks ago, and I am still waiting to get an appointment to meet with my neurologist to get the diagnosis from all of my tests. My Mom's neurologist said it sounds like I have MS to him, and he is not the first person who has said that, and I will be honest, that has crossed my mind many times too. If I have not heard back from him by Monday afternoon, then I will call Tuesday and see if I can get some information.<br />
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In other news, we dyed Alex's hair pink for the Summer. I will take some pics soon and share, I have to make some room on my memory card in the camera for them. It looks really awesome, we both love it. After we find out what happens with the mediation and I no longer have to be sure and look respectable by other people's standards, I am thinking of dying mine Lavender. I am ready for a drastic change.<br />
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That is all that is going on for now. I will be making some changes around here soon, with the blog and my home. I want to make a new layout and tweak some things on the blog, plus get back into my recipes and book posts. Plus I have some book reviews to write. On the home front, I am about to go through the house and declutter a lot of the dust collectors we have, and donate them to my favorite thrift store, which feeds the homeless with the funds they take in. I also have a good bit of clothes to go through and donate, and some other things. When we move, I intend to only take the furniture, our clothes, the kitchen stuff, and our personal keepsakes. I am donating everything else. I have been hauling some of this crap around for 20 years and I am over it. I need room for new memories.<br />
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I want a fresh start in our Forever Home.<br />
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That sums it up for tonight.<br />
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What have you all been up to over the last couple of weeks? How is Summer treating you?<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-92176622157598612742013-06-10T04:50:00.000-04:002013-06-10T04:50:46.940-04:00Since you've been gone...Dear Daddy,<br />
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A year ago today you left this world.<br />
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It still feels like yesterday.<br />
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In some ways it is a little easier. In other ways it is still a very fresh and raw wound.<br />
<br />
I still feel like every time I go to Mom's, you will be there, sitting in your chair. I still feel like every time Jack's cell phone rings, it will be you on the other end, asking him to come over and help you do something.<br />
<br />
We went to Wakulla Beach the other day, and even though I tried my best to enjoy it, all I could see was the ghost of your memory, walking along the same stretch of shore. One of my first memories with you is there at that beach. I still remember, 31 years ago, you carrying me to the boat because I was terrified of the hundreds of fiddler crabs that scurried over the sand. I knew that in your arms I was safe. I longed for that sense of safety many times over the next few decades.<br />
<br />
We had a volatile relationship for most of my life, but the last eight years was as close to perfect as we would ever get. I would give almost anything to have the chance to keep adding to those years.<br />
<br />
I didn't realize you were telling me goodbye the last time you spoke to me while you were lucid. If I had known, I would have done so many things different. I would have said so much more. I would have hugged you. I take a small bit of comfort in the fact that the last words we spoke to each other were " I love you." I can count on both hands how many times you told me that once I was old enough to remember. Each time is etched in my mind so very clearly.<br />
<br />
I didn't know it would be goodbye forever, Daddy.<br />
<br />
I feel dead inside. Still. It is so hard to laugh and smile. Most of the time it's forced. The mention of your name still makes my throat close. Jack and Alex talk about you often. I just nod my head and pretend to smile. I don't have the heart to tell them it rips me to shreds each time.<br />
<br />
I wish I could cry. I wish I could purge.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8tMfxqlA86VuivQPdpMYsiiZRGVc8foQUaaA09VeEQZJhO8RSPzdUDbO1Xh8wfpHnBlM_g9XMD-6DDpFx38v9f9O9eLnr3Bflj-Z-E9nYUM-iC5fQId9KJimMmf84O7_CBv2TGTe8oEKJ/s1600/daddy+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8tMfxqlA86VuivQPdpMYsiiZRGVc8foQUaaA09VeEQZJhO8RSPzdUDbO1Xh8wfpHnBlM_g9XMD-6DDpFx38v9f9O9eLnr3Bflj-Z-E9nYUM-iC5fQId9KJimMmf84O7_CBv2TGTe8oEKJ/s320/daddy+4.jpg" width="140" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
They say the body is 70% water.<br />
<br />
I say my body is 70% tears that I have been unable to shed in 30 years. You taught me that to cry was to be weak. I know that is not true, but the training is so strong, so much a part of me, that I have never cried myself clean. Ever. I have had a life that requires many tears, and I have never been able to shed all of them. I have a few sets of strong shoulders that would let me cry on them..but I am unable to do so. I rather throw myself in front of a moving train than break down in front of someone. The sad part is, I can't do it in private either. I can cry sometimes...but never enough. If the day ever comes that the dam breaks...I am not sure I could recover.<br />
<br />
A huge part of me is just gone. You took that with you...and I did not even know that you carried it with you.<br />
<br />
I know now.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
I still carry anger with me. Angry at the reason you died. Angry because the place you were at to heal did not take proper care of you in time. Angry because YOU SHOULD HAVE LIVED. You beat the goddamned cancer. It was GONE. Because of that terrible "rehab" facility you were in, the pneumonia was too far gone to save you. I am angry because you had that stupid DNR order...and the no artificial means order. So we watched you dehydrate to death, while drowning at the same time. I am angry I could not be there every day, the way I wanted to be. I was there when you went in. I was there half of a day and an entire night later. I managed to get Jack up there to say goodbye. I am angry that you waited until the one time NO ONE WAS THERE to die. I am angry that you died alone. I am angry that Alex has to grow up with out you.<br />
<br />
I am angry you died.<br />
<br />
There, I finally said it.<br />
<br />
I'M FUCKING ANGRY THAT YOU LEFT ME!<br />
<br />
I'm angry you didn't take me with you.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
But I love you. So much it hurts to breathe sometimes.I miss you so much. My life has not been the same. Every night for the last year, since the day you died, I have told you goodnight before I went to sleep. Every night I tell you I love you and miss you and would give just about anything to have you here in the flesh.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I am going to stop now. I think.<br />
<br />
Not because I don't love you or miss you or wish that you were here in the flesh with me, but because my ritual that used to bring me comfort is actually helping to keep that wound raw and open.My heart has not let you really die yet. My mind knows it. My spirit knows that you are free now. My heart still refuses to accept it.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2DmHZXZ4XwylC7qu7Q-mKZRXf8LqENsNpY0NX3kDULWS-d9qsh-49wbE8GBTGg3Ia36lmsXUQ5rpBy92W5dDYs4zt9eP1LiaCPi1v_dhNTFDN4TldZ6NSk8nMFxRoJwpIqUG9LhyphenhyphenbWyaW/s1600/daddy+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2DmHZXZ4XwylC7qu7Q-mKZRXf8LqENsNpY0NX3kDULWS-d9qsh-49wbE8GBTGg3Ia36lmsXUQ5rpBy92W5dDYs4zt9eP1LiaCPi1v_dhNTFDN4TldZ6NSk8nMFxRoJwpIqUG9LhyphenhyphenbWyaW/s320/daddy+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I'm scared that I will be stuck here in hell forever.<br />
<br />
I want to be free. I need to not think about you constantly. I need to let you go. I know you can't fully rest with me the way I am...pulling you here...holding you here.You need to be fully free, as much as I do.<br />
<br />
I have to wake up, and face reality. You are gone, You won't be back, not as you were. I have to realize that it's okay. You served your time. Like mine, in different ways, your "life sentence" sucked ass. I am as angry that you escaped as I am that you are no longer here with me. With us. Because we all loved you intensely. I wish we knew just how intense before it was too late.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I don't know how to heal...so I have to wing it...just like I have always done.<br />
<br />
I want you to know I will be okay. Eventually. I hope you were able to forgive me for all the stupid mistakes I made. I forgave you for yours.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRS6Tb96uLgePU6Hp_brLEJ-MWzoR6-GKGbEbcOOXl60AmEwkIJgPbfrKvQ4sYp6m-Q0Lsk9ZPZDldAQRWdFu3v65_6czJroJfC0H82uKEk-uQGKF01QVrfBy4aS_X1BKgRWlrRkkk3hsS/s1600/alex+bday+15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRS6Tb96uLgePU6Hp_brLEJ-MWzoR6-GKGbEbcOOXl60AmEwkIJgPbfrKvQ4sYp6m-Q0Lsk9ZPZDldAQRWdFu3v65_6czJroJfC0H82uKEk-uQGKF01QVrfBy4aS_X1BKgRWlrRkkk3hsS/s320/alex+bday+15.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I still would give just about anything to have you back, but I also know that you would hate that. You were ready, you were ready for years to get the hell out of this place.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5CskiBzLl-2jigFhvlrjieWTUrzS4ucU8UGZFnVEsteZ4Wn1gExID8Qi22F8PodMN1JA9KX3q2m38tjlLhpm5dqI3ZQb5Fws7uLunEU2YtArO5G-ecyvGOz_QTy62bThJjhgbF1WMvmWd/s1600/daddy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5CskiBzLl-2jigFhvlrjieWTUrzS4ucU8UGZFnVEsteZ4Wn1gExID8Qi22F8PodMN1JA9KX3q2m38tjlLhpm5dqI3ZQb5Fws7uLunEU2YtArO5G-ecyvGOz_QTy62bThJjhgbF1WMvmWd/s1600/daddy.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
Death is not hard for the dying. It's hell for the living.<br />
<br />
The irony of the whole situation is that if you COULD speak to me, you would chew me out for feeling this way after all this time. Suck it up. Move on. Let it go.<br />
<br />
I hear all the things you would say to me. I've never been very good at doing what I was told.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPOp2Nin53QgEcL3YKFF2uXkGzf_dU6GkYBNd0H__-wZZ9hTmUJ8HkD7r5eM9MfN3TzDH_12YEKjxVaNh019O6xFu0gJkqmOGllsG1bkPlVBXTenZDESfLcFklvZqSuLYPjMmrfEmqLv_z/s1600/daddy+xmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPOp2Nin53QgEcL3YKFF2uXkGzf_dU6GkYBNd0H__-wZZ9hTmUJ8HkD7r5eM9MfN3TzDH_12YEKjxVaNh019O6xFu0gJkqmOGllsG1bkPlVBXTenZDESfLcFklvZqSuLYPjMmrfEmqLv_z/s320/daddy+xmas.jpg" width="181" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I love you Daddy. More than you could ever imagine. More than you ever knew. I wish I could have told you while you were still here. I just hope you heard all the times I've said it since you left.<br />
<br />
I have to heal somehow. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to sleep...or wake.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
I still have to live this life. I have to accept that you already lived yours.<br />
<br />
You earned your freedom. I still have a few years left to serve.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBufiERj6vXkY5xc-PXcfKBpt-q8Zku25b5zV9X5gIqa4ceJIIk2Gq0rJls9sayICNaURhTHxnV0rTJs7QvXM2N4UwOb6CdzE_AcziRJr47hH7-iIF7nRu8fG_ekmS4Ck9JDOcElJw-Zjh/s1600/daddy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBufiERj6vXkY5xc-PXcfKBpt-q8Zku25b5zV9X5gIqa4ceJIIk2Gq0rJls9sayICNaURhTHxnV0rTJs7QvXM2N4UwOb6CdzE_AcziRJr47hH7-iIF7nRu8fG_ekmS4Ck9JDOcElJw-Zjh/s320/daddy.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
So this is me, trying to let you go, Daddy.<br />
<br />
My love for you will never fade, but you deserve to be truly free. Your memory will never die. The anguish has to go though. So today, on this terrible and beautiful anniversary of your timely and untimely death, I am going to work on setting us both free. I can't talk to you anymore, not for a while at least. Until it is not so raw, not so fresh.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6bkxicu-81tHqbdA3DVSTtI6X1hj_IybrX_IQAEMHDZd7FQxmFUY9FuQlSwXFHcqQKncHlTsZhDnCJ4OPiW6H1M3CF2f77sqtbgL7eVwy6b3jgdq5oPYk8u1AhNbBe1JmI3FdmsGWpP50/s1600/daddy+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6bkxicu-81tHqbdA3DVSTtI6X1hj_IybrX_IQAEMHDZd7FQxmFUY9FuQlSwXFHcqQKncHlTsZhDnCJ4OPiW6H1M3CF2f77sqtbgL7eVwy6b3jgdq5oPYk8u1AhNbBe1JmI3FdmsGWpP50/s1600/daddy+1.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So this is the last time I am going to call out to you..where ever you are. I ask you to give back that part of me that you took. I ask you to help me let you go.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I love you so much, Daddy.<br />
<br />
Enjoy your rest. I'll see you when I fall asleep for the final time. Save me a seat next to you...<br />
<br />
Goodbye Daddy.<br />
<br />
I love you.<br />
<br />
(The first two videos were two of his favorite songs...the rest...are from my "Oh my god I am dying" playlist.)<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-70850656234751778282013-05-30T17:37:00.000-04:002013-05-30T17:37:06.338-04:00Ask Me Anything Answers!Hello everyone!<br />
<br />
I finally got enough questions to fill a post for the brand new Ask Me Anything segment! It took a while, but thanks to your questions on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TalesOfTheWolfQueen" target="_blank">Fan Page</a> and via fan page email and blog email, I can now get this thing kicked off!<br />
<br />
Hopefully once everyone reads this first set of questions, others might be more comfortable asking their own questions.<br />
<br />
Okay, here we go!<br />
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From the fan page:<br />
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First up is this question from Stephanie S:<br />
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<span style="color: lime;"><i>What is your favorite Pagan Holiday? Why?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Up until last year, Yule was my favorite Pagan Holiday. I used to love the Winter, and everything that comes with it. Cold, crystal clear skies...bright pinpoints of light scattered across the sky like diamonds on a black velvet cloth. </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">These days I get cold very easily, and while I still love a lot about the Winter months, I am not a big fan of the super cold temps. My new favorite Pagan Holiday is Samhain. The weather is cool, but not freezing, it gets darker early, all the fun decorations come out, and all of that good stuff. Another very important reason that Samhain is my new favorite is because I am a part of the <a href="http://samhainsirens.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Samhain's Sirens</a>! If you missed it last year, click that link and check out all of the fun we had last year, our launch year. This year is set to be even better, and I am really excited to be involved in the planning for our second year of Samhain fun!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Lisa M. asks: What is your favorite part of your body? ( Physical part, smarts don't count! )</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Hmmmm. I guess I would have to go with my boobs. What can I say, I have a nice rack! Lol!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Stephanie asks: What kind of music do you like? Who is your favorite band or musician, and why?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Gah. This one is like asking me to pick my favorite child. Impossible lol. I used to keep up with all the current musical trends, but rock has always been my favorite. About three years ago, I stopped trying to keep up with the current trends when I realized I was having a hard time differentiating between bands. They all sounded the same, they all looked the same. Cookie cutter alternative rock. Bleh. I decided to become one of the un-cool kids ( or really cool, depending on how you look at it lol ) and stuck to my classic rock, 80's, 90's and 2000's decades. Anything past 2008 or so and the only way I have heard of it is if one of my kids is playing something, or if I see someone post a video. I listen to a lot of commercials ( LISTEN...not WATCH ) because I have discovered some awesome songs that they use as background music.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">As far as ONE favorite band or musician? Like I said, impossible. I love a lot of stuff, from Fleetwood Mac, to Lil' Wayne to Johnny Cash and back. Music is the soundtrack to my life, and I have a huge playlist!</span><br />
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<span style="color: lime;"><i>Lisa asks: What is your favorite number, and why?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #a2c4c9;">My favorite number is 13, but that was mostly because the number 13 has such stigma and superstitions attached to it. I tend to embrace the taboo things...the misfit and sometimes outcast things.</span><br />
<span style="color: #a2c4c9;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #a2c4c9;">Having said that, the number 15 is a very prominent number in my life. I was 15 when my entire life changed. My parents anniversary is on the 15th of a month. Jack's and Alex's birthdays are on the 15th, my father-in-law's birthday is on the 15th. ( The same exact date as my parents anniversary actually lol. ) So I have to say that 15 is also a favorite number.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #a2c4c9;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Lisa asks: What is your favorite color(s), and is it the same color as when you were a kid?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #a2c4c9;">My favorite color is Sapphire Blue, and I have to say yes, it is the same as when I was a kid. Now of course as a very small child I went through the stages of having several favorite colors per week lol. As I got older, I started gravitating towards darker colors like Vermilion, Sapphire Blue, Black, Royal Purple. I still love all of those colors, but Sapphire Blue is still my number one. My bedroom walls are painted Sapphire Blue, with silver glitter mixed in!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">From Email:</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Linda W. asks: Forgive me if this is too forward, but you DID say we could ask you anything. As a long time follower of your blog, I have read about the situation with your two oldest children, and the fact they live with your parents. My question is; have you ever had to deal with being judged ( fairly or unfairly ) because some of your children do not live with you? How do you cope?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Wow. Excellent question Linda, and thank you for being a long time follower! The truth is, I have been terribly judged, both unfairly and at times fairly. Mostly unfairly though. Strangers tend to think the worst, that I was to selfish and stupid and did not care about the kids. Some think that if you do not have your children with you, then you are scum, no matter the situation. Then there are those who believe my parents version of the truth ( which is mostly untrue and colored by their personal opinion of me at the time, and the fact they would not want anyone to know they bullied me into it and used scare tactics )</span><i style="color: lime;"> </i><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">and then there is my truth, which is of course what happened colored by MY personal opinion. While I still carry a bit of bitterness about the whole situation, ( and since you are a long time follower, then you know why ) I have grown up a lot since then, and have shouldered my part of the blame, which is that I made stupid choices and got married to young, has children to young. Accepted my parents offer of "help" to watch my oldest girl when she was an infant during the breakup of her father and I, and while I struggled to get back on my feet and take care of myself so I could care for her. </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I never got the chance to do so. </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">6 months later I was in a lawyers office, terrified of my parents and their lawyer, signing over my rights to my child. It was a mistake, and I should have fought tooth and nail. Soon after I became pregnant with my son, whom was with me until he was 5. My parents made me an offer of having him live with them due to the great school district where they were ( which is now the county I live in ) and I agreed, then realized what happened with my daughter, and I backed out of the deal. Next thing I know, HRS is knocking on my door. ( Not the first time, and all cases were dropped. All calls were made by the same person too. ) </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Coincidence? </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Doubtful. </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Stupid me got scared again, and I was struggling. Working full time, but still struggling. I agreed to let him go, and not long after I actually moved home myself, but that was not going to work either. I was then told if I left and took my son with me, I would be disowned and would never see my daughter again. I left him there. Shortly there after, I was asked to sign medical guardianship papers, so they had rights to treat him if he needed it. Not long after, I am bullied back into a lawyers office, because I was simply to damn scared and intimidated to know that I had a choice. YEARS later, after I stopped being scared and developed a relationship with my Dad, I told him that they nearly killed me by taking him too. I literally wanted to die. He looked at me very hard, and said: Why didn't you ever say to me "Dad, I don't want to give him up?" I stood there in shock. " Because you have intimidated me my WHOLE life, I was terrified of y'all. All these lawyers and money you threw at the situation. No way could I compete with that, and at least I knew they were taken care of, even if I were not in the picture."</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I also found out that he was told a lot of crap that was not true by someone who should not have lied. There were also many things he was not made aware of, but to be fair, there were a lot of things he did not disclose either. At this point, there is no point in blaming anyone anymore. They are almost grown, we have a pretty solid relationship, which I fully admit we would probably not have as open of a relationship as we do if they lived with me all their life; and things have turned out as best as they can, given the whole situation.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Judged?</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">You bet.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Cope? </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">One day at a time. </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Those holes will never be filled, but they do have thin band-aids on them, due to the relationship I have with them.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">(Sorry, that one got a little long. Your question brought a lot to the surface. ) </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Raven Moon asks: Why did you cease being Wiccan?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I think a lot of us that explore a Pagan path start out as Wiccan, because there is a lot of material (albeit convoluted at times ) and it is easily accessible and is the more "mainstream" branch of the Pagan tree. For me, the choice to move on to something different stemmed from the fact that I actually intensely dislike "religion." I do not need anyone else to hold me accountable for my actions. I do not do things, or not do things, in fear of eternal damnation, or even an eternal reward. I try to be the best person I can be, because that is what I should strive to be, period. No reward, no punishment. Just doing the right thing. I also realized that being Wiccan is more of a "light" version of the craft. I fully believe you can not heal if you can not harm, because some things must be harmed and/or destroyed in order to heal. I am way more comfortable in the dark. Not evil. Just the darker side of life. I rather bask in the cool light of the moon than be roasted by the burning sun. Being Wiccan does not coincide with that type of personality, in my opinion. I am not religious in the least. But I am spiritual. I prefer to let myself pick and choose what resonates with me, instead of being forced into a particular set of rules and restrictions. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i>Anonymous asks: Do you think your difficult life is because of bad karma, either from a past life, or this one?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: lime;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Hmmm. Maybe.That could certainly be a part of it. I can't speak for my past lives, but this one stems from making bad choices in life, from not having a good support system, ( not even in myself ) from not having the proper limitations put on me in my teen years, ( realizing that my running away and almost getting killed in a car wreck was the reason there was fear to try to restrain my actions ) and from not believing in myself. Because I never bothered to believe in myself, no one else did either. Until Jack. My husband Jack changed my life in so many ways. Yes, we are in a rough patch health wise and money wise, but we are still strong in our relationship, and knowing that we will never have to face anything alone makes each battle a little easier to fight. Karma may play a part, but reality played an ever bigger part.</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Well...there you have it! </span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">I really appreciate the questions that were sent in. They were really awesome, and it makes me happy that a couple of you were not scared to ask some really tough questions. I loved them all though, and I hope that my readers will send me more! I would like to make this a fairly regular thing, once or twice a month?</span><br />
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Remember, as the picture says, you can ASK ME ANYTHING!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Thanks for reading! Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments, or ask me any questions in the comments too!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #a2c4c9;">Like this post? Like this blog? Like me? Then please share this blog by using one of the buttons below! I will love you forever!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #a2c4c9;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-82280757618537414692013-05-24T13:18:00.000-04:002013-05-24T13:18:14.868-04:00Free Book Friday! 5/24/13Hello my lovelies!<br />
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I know it has been a minute since I have posted free books for y'all..but life gets in the way sometimes. I have been undergoing testing for my potential Parkinson's diagnosis...and other things have been going on in my day to day life. Nothing huge or noteworthy...but it keeps my mind in places other than blogging.<br />
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Enough about all of that...you came here for the free books, right?<br />
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Right.<br />
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Let's roll!<br />
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Just click the picture of each book to be taken to the download page, and remember, you do not need a Kindle to enjoy these. There are free reading apps on Amazon for your computer, tablet, phone, or other device! So start downloading!<br />
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*Please note that these books are free at the .com address of Amazon at the time of this posting. Book prices may change at any time, and these books may not be free on the .UK, .CA, or other country's Amazon websites.*<br />
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**All descriptions are taken from Amazon and not my own words**<br />
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Please share this post with your fellow free book loving friends and family!<br />
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<b><u>FURIES : An Ancient Alexandrian Thriller</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/FURIES-Ancient-Alexandrian-Thriller-ebook/dp/B00AGQ77W2/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_18" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51EoQSHGHbL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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36 AD - The city of Alexandria is a center of Roman commerce--and a sinful playground for the pleasure-seeking rich and powerful. </div>
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For wealthy merchant Decimus Tarquitius Aculeo, however, Alexandria has become a living hell. Ruined by a string of mysterious investment disasters, abandoned by friends and family, Aculeo is desperate to recover his wealth and status.</div>
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But his search for the reasons behind his downfall draws him into a web of violence. A common slave is found murdered in the magnificent temple of the god Serapis. Days later, the brutalized body of a high-priced hetaira is discovered floating in a canal, after an evening entertaining the city's elite. The grim truth soon becomes clear: A ruthless killer is moving among Alexandria's aristocrats, commercial titans, and philosophers.</div>
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And ominous clues begin to connect those murders to Aculeo's own quest. Aided by an Egyptian mortuary attendant, a brilliant philosopher, an exotic hetaira, and his last remaining friends, Aculeo must unmask and stop a deadly murderer if he is ever to reclaim the life he has lost. </div>
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But first, he must survive...</div>
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FURIES is a highly original crime thriller that transports you into an ancient, captivating world. It weaves threads of exquisite beauty and stark brutality, phenomenal wealth and degrading poverty, clashing philosophies and colorful mythologies, into an unforgettable fabric of this lost golden age. </div>
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<b><u>Clovenhoof</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_6" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41ubbSEnM9L._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia. Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognizes him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.</div>
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Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.</div>
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Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.</div>
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<b><u>Fairytale (Fairies of Rush)</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fairytale-Fairies-of-Rush-ebook/dp/B0052P2XH6/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_16" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/614b61jsiSL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-64,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Book One of Two in the Fairies of Rush duet, FAIRYTALE is a sexy, sensual fantasy romance novel. Not for children, very much an adult book. Not erotica, just good old fashioned steamy fantasy romance.</div>
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Brigit Malone can paint anything she sees, and uses that skill to get herself and her best friend, homeless Razor Face Malone off the streets. Then an old enemy kidnaps Raze and demands Brigit forge a privately owned painting, switch the fake for the original, and deliver it.</div>
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That painting is the prize possession of Adam Reid, who once glimpsed the fantastical images it holds in a childhood memory he now considers a hallucination.</div>
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But the images in the painting are actually a message from the twin sister Brigit doesn't know she has; a message calling her back to the enchanted kingdom of Rush, where the two half-fay twins are destined to put down the usurping Dark Prince Tristan and restore peace to their homeland far, far away.</div>
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A fairy-tale for grown up girls!</div>
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<b><u>How to Cook Healthy in a Hurry: 50 Yummy, Low Fat Recipes You Can Make In 30 Minutes</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/How-Cook-Healthy-Hurry-ebook/dp/B00AP980WG/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_13" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51vCXqtwwPL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-52,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Do you want to cook healthy meals full of low fat, fresh ingredients and still have energy left at the end of the day to sit down and enjoy them with your family?</div>
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Well here are more than 50 healthy, low fat recipes you can have on the table in under 30 minutes. </div>
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Let a professional cook, caterer, and food writer reveal her secret tips and techniques to transforming artery-clogging, belly-fattening, disease-promoting food into healthful delicious and easy recipes. </div>
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She has been doing it for decades for publications such as Bon Appetit, Gourmet and Men's Fitness. Now let her do it for you. </div>
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How to Cook Healthy in a Hurry is not just a cookbook. It is a cooking course, where, in 50 delicious recipes for soups, salads, main courses and desserts, such as:</div>
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Cherry Glazed Prawns with Forbidden Rice</div>
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Potato and Bacon Chowder</div>
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Turkey Apricot Sliders</div>
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you will learn my secrets and tips from my 40 years of experience cooking, teaching and writing about food.</div>
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Do you know how to cut down fat calories when you are sauteing onions and garlic? </div>
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Do you know how to keep rich cheeses and mouth-watering cuts of meat in a healthy diet?</div>
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Do you know how to serve your family rich desserts and still have them on a healthy diet track?</div>
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You will after your read How To Cook Healthy In A Hurry.</div>
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<b><u>The Light Within Me (The Six Saviors)</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Light-Within-Saviors-ebook/dp/B00629TU18/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_11" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Sr2hvvVIL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-56,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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When Abby and Noah meet, there is an explosive attraction between them that neither can deny...</div>
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As a shy, awkward, social misfit, Abby has gone her whole life feeling as though she's different from everyone else and she simply doesn't fit in well with society as a whole. She longs to feel a real connection with someone, and she finally does when she meets Noah.</div>
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Unbeknownst to Abby, Noah is from another world and his sole purpose is to hunt down the evil of his people that was unleashed on Earth hundreds of years ago. He's certain he isn't going to be able to return to his home, and anger and the need for revenge are his constant companions. His focus has been eradicating the evil and making them pay for taking his life on his world away from him.</div>
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Noah tries desperately to fight his attraction to Abby so he can keep his focus on his mission. But when Abby gets dragged into the evil and mayhem from Noah's world, he realizes that maybe with Abby he can find a home here on Earth...if he can save her in time.</div>
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<b><u>I Hope You Find Me</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Hope-You-Find-Me-ebook/dp/B008CJQX0W/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_26" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51d1jRa97vL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-70,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Life for Riley ends when her young children die in her arms…victims of a global viral outbreak that claims the lives of everyone she’s ever known. Left to fend for herself with only a dog as her companion, she sets out on a journey to find others, leaving notes everywhere she goes…hoping that one day someone will come looking for her. When Riley meets the handsome yet mysterious Connor on the streets of Downtown San Diego, they form a bond unlike either has experienced before. When the things that go bump in the night turn out to be more than nightmares, the trio sets off for the mountains in search of an isolated resort where they can hunker down, away from the ominous shadows of the dead city streets. The peace and tranquility of the woods isn't enough to keep the darkness away for long though and soon Riley and Connor are forced to accept that the World and the few people left alive in it will never be the same. The shadows of their past may haunt them forever…threatening to destroy what little dreams they have left of a future unless they fight to stay in the light and never lose their hope.</div>
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1/9</div>
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Family and Friends: The dog and I have left to find my Mom. Most of you know where her place is, the corner of 9th and F. I’ll leave a note there before I move on. Everyone here is…gone. I can’t stay. I’m not sure when or if I will come back here but leave a message anyway.</div>
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I hope you find me. – Riley</div>
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<b><u>I Want it Now! A Memoir of Life on the Set of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Memoir-Willy-Chocolate-Factory-ebook/dp/B005M667P4/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_29" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51MmUasW0mL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-59,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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In 1970, Julie Dawn Cole was cast as the unforgettable Veruca Salt in the classic motion picture Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder. Since its release in 1971, this epic musical has endured as a favorite of children from around the world with a fan base that encompasses generations of movie goers. With its unforgettable characters, chocolaty landscapes and everlasting music, this charming fairy-tale mixes these ingredients into what has been become a cinematic classic from literary legend Roald Dahl.</div>
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Praised by critics worldwide and often featured in broadcasts with other masterpiece musicals, it remains a timeless treasure. Acclaimed film critic Robert Ebert wrote: "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is probably the best film of its sort since The Wizard of Oz. It is everything that family movies usually claim to be, but aren't: Delightful, funny, scary, exciting, and, most of all, a genuine work of imagination."</div>
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Julie Dawn Cole has written an enchanting and richly illustrated memoir that offers a rare look behind the stage curtain to this ageless film. Splendidly illustrated with personal letters, never-seen-before photographs and documents; her mesmerizing story chronicles the entire production experience and tells of the remarkable journey of how she became known worldwide as a really bad egg. Filled with countless funny and touching memories, her story takes readers behind-the-scenes of Willy Wonka and the resulting coming of age journey that brought the cast together again after nearly a quarter century. I Want it Now takes readers beyond the world of pure imagination and behind the scenes to this universally cherished motion picture. A true-to-life Charlie Bucket tale, Julie's story is unforgettable...</div>
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<b><u>Stray (Touchstone)</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Stray-Touchstone-ebook/dp/B004T3A518/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_31" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UqE5jbOEL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-59,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Part 1 of the Touchstone trilogy.</div>
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On her last day of high school, Cassandra Devlin walked out of exams and into a forest. Surrounded by the wrong sort of trees, and animals never featured in any nature documentary, Cass is only sure of one thing: alone, she will be lucky to survive. </div>
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The sprawl of abandoned blockish buildings Cass discovers offers her only more puzzles. Where are the people? What is the intoxicating mist which drifts off the buildings in the moonlight? And why does she feel like she's being watched? </div>
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Increasingly unnerved, Cass is overjoyed at the arrival of the formidable Setari. Whisked to a world as technologically advanced as the first was primitive, where nanotech computers are grown inside people's skulls, and few have any interest in venturing outside the enormous whitestone cities, Cass finds herself processed as a 'stray', a refugee displaced by the gates torn between worlds. Struggling with an unfamiliar language and culture, she must adapt to virtual classrooms, friends who can teleport, and the ingrained attitude that strays are backward and slow. </div>
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Can Cass ever find her way home? And after the people of her new world discover her unexpected value, will they be willing to let her leave?</div>
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<b><u>A Thistle in the Mist </u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/A-Thistle-Mist-ebook/dp/B00B2XML88/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_63" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41W92tcvAKL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-54,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a></div>
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Meara isn’t thinking about death, that morning, when she kisses her mother good-bye, but hours later she is, as her fingers slide into the back of Mother’s shattered skull. Empty eyes – the empty eyes of her mother – stare right through her and Meara thinks her world has ended. She has no idea.</div>
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Ebullient and feisty, eighteen-year-old Meara MacDonald lives an idyllic life with her family, on the mist-enfolded Isle of Skye, dreaming of the day when she will wed her heart, the gallant Duncan MacLeod. But fate has other plans and when Aunt Deirdre and Uncle Sloan seep into their midst, Meara’s family is taken, one-by-one, for reasons she discovers are both personal and nefarious. </div>
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Mother is found dead, Da disappears, Duncan is taken by the Napoleonic Wars, Meara’s younger sister, Hannah – with child by Uncle Sloan – takes her own life and while Meara sleeps, her newborn son is snatched from her arms. </div>
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Unable to reign in her spirit or her tongue, Meara finds herself catapulted from Scotland to a household steeped in mystery in Nova Scotia where, guided by her strength of will, she will fight her way back to the remains of her family; her heart and soul.</div>
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<b><u>I'll See You In Your Dreams</u></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ill-See-Your-Dreams-ebook/dp/B00B0TAGRW/ref=zg_bs_154606011_f_65" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51vh4AVPWLL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA278_PIkin4,BottomRight,-60,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a><b><u><br /></u></b></div>
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Charlie was a ghost hunter who didn't really believe in ghosts, but he believed in the effect being a ghost hunter had on girls. He thought he had perfected the ultimate pick up line, “I’m a ghost hunter.” All that came crashing down when he met his soul mate…a ghost. </div>
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One night while photographing an old Victorian mansion, he was startled to meet the ghost of Anne Meux. She died in 1970 at age 85. She was now only 25 and beautiful. Charlie was soon engulfed in a riveting conversation. Who was she? Where was she? What was she doing in her old room? </div>
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At the end of a long conversation, she suddenly had to go. He had a question for himself. Why was he madly in love with an apparition or worse a hallucination? If she was in a parallel universe could he bring her back to this universe? He had an overwhelming desire to get some questions answered. He needed his best friend, Stanley, the smartest guy he knew. Stanley was working on his PHD in Physics so surely he could figure this out.</div>
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Stanley was intrigued and agreed to help his best friend. As a physicist, Stanley was well aware of parallel universes and the duality of the universe. There is always two of anything that can exist. </div>
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Stanley was convinced that science and religion were two sides of the same coin. The dogma in both seemed to prevent the ultimate discovery of truth. He enjoyed asking the curious. “Since space was created by the big bang…what did it go bang in? Or if God created it all by saying, ‘Let there be light!’ Who was he talking to?” And the ultimate question. “What was there just before the bang or Gods command?” The same answer.</div>
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So there you have it! I hope you are able to pick all of these up, and come back and let me know how you liked them! Have a great weekend!</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-21536359854376450442013-05-21T09:37:00.000-04:002013-05-21T09:37:00.946-04:00I'm a winner!Good morning everyone! I hope this day finds you all well!<br />
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I am feeling good this morning, and as it is quiet here in the House of Wolf, I decided to write a little post about a wonderful contest I won recently.<br />
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Tenae over at <a href="http://witchofhowlingcreek.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">The Witch of Howling Creek</a> hosted a Practical Magic themed giveaway, provided by <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/verbenaapothecary" target="_blank">Verbena Apothecary</a> on Esty. The prize was a gift certificate for a discount on the amazing products that <a href="http://www.verbenaapothecary.com/" target="_blank">Verbena Apothecary</a> ( <----Please click here for the gorgeous main site ) sells.<br />
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In order to win, we had to share what our favorite thing about the movie Practical Magic was. I adore this movie, so I was eager to enter.<br />
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Much to my surprise and delight...<a href="http://witchofhowlingcreek.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/verbena-apothecary-giveaway-winner/" target="_blank">I WON! </a><br />
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I was SO excited!<br />
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After a few conversations with the owner of the shop, the kind and wonderful Tammy...I chose my products and before I knew it, they were in my mailbox. I tore into the packaging like a kid at Christmas.<br />
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I ordered the handmade Body Potion, in the Breathe scent. ( remember the Faith Hill song from the movie? )<br />
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<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/107871079/practically-magic-body-potion?ref=shop_home_active" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="249" src="http://img2.etsystatic.com/012/0/6932364/il_570xN.445721734_uudk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Please click photo to be taken to product!</div>
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All product photos are from the <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/verbenaapothecary?page=1" target="_blank">Verbena Apothecary</a> Etsy site.</div>
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Lip balm in Only That Moon 'flavor'. ( Blue Raspberry )<br />
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<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/130503735/only-that-moon-blue-raspberry-all?ref=shop_home_active" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://img0.etsystatic.com/011/0/6932364/il_570xN.453820164_2re6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Finally, I chose the Verbena Aroma Mist. ( Sally and her husband were going to name their botanical shop "Verbena" which happens to be one of my favorite scents.)<br />
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<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/107881062/aromatherapy-room-spray-mists?ref=shop_home_active" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://img2.etsystatic.com/016/0/6932364/il_570xN.452360094_nuz5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Please click photo to be taken to product!</div>
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Please forgive my lack of personal pictures, I need batteries for my camera.<br />
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I have used all three of the wonderful products every single day since I received them! The lotion is rich and hydrating, ( y'all know how I am about my lotion! ) the lip balm is creamy and smells so good, and the room spray fills my home with the decadent herbal essence of the Verbena.<br />
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I am a very happy girl. I highly recommend Tammy's products, and I will be buying from her in the future for sure! If you decide to purchase, please be sure and add a note that Bella says hello!<br />
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Thank you to <a href="http://witchofhowlingcreek.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">The Witch of Howling Creek</a> and <a href="http://www.verbenaapothecary.com/" target="_blank">Verbena Apothecary</a> for having such a fun and awesome giveaway!<br />
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I hope you all have a great day!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-49221267712298924242013-05-18T10:00:00.000-04:002013-05-18T10:00:03.333-04:00Evil Virus of Doom...and other things.Just a short post today.<br />
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Alex and I have been plagued with some terrible virus for the past week. Alex came home Friday with 104 temperature, and Saturday she had a terrible sore throat. I also started coming down with it on Saturday, and Sunday, Mother's Day, we were in the ER getting strep tests.<br />
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Luckily, they were negative, but that did not stop the horrible and searing throat pain. We were both unable to eat more than a few bites for three days, and Alex's fever stayed in the 103-104 range for three days. Finally on Thursday it broke to under 100 and stayed there, and I was able to start eating again. She has been fever free for 48 hours now, and can talk and eat with ease again.<br />
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All Alex could eat was Popsicles for two days.</div>
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Alex has never been so sick in her 8 years. It was very scary for me. She would not eat, could hardly drink, and did not say a word for three days. As most know, Alex is a talker. She talks NON-stop all the time. Yet nothing but head nods and shakes for three days. The few bites of food she would eat I had to feed her like a baby bird. She was so weak she could hardly sit up, much less feed herself.<br />
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Jack was very kind, he pretty much ran the house for the week. I was in bed for two days, only getting up to use the bathroom. He cooked and did dishes and got us anything we needed. It was very nice.<br />
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I did the dishes and ran the vac today, for the first time in a week, and tomorrow I am going to cook a real meal. We have been living off of broths and soups, as it was so painful to swallow anything, and we are all ready for something more substantial. So I intend to make steak tacos, and I have a giant seedless watermelon in the fridge chilling for dessert. I have been craving the melon like crazy for the last couple of months. I blame it on longing for Summer. ( Try not to gasp in shock over the fact I am longing for Summer lol ) It is the middle of May and we have had a few nights of upper 30's and low 40's. In Florida. I am still wearing jeans most of the time. My shorts sit in the drawers...waiting to see the light of day.<br />
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In other news, there are two weeks of school left, and even though we were so sick, it was nice not having to worry about living life by the clock for the past week. Sleeping when we wanted, waking when we felt like it. No rush to eat dinner and do dishes, or make sure laundry was done for the school week. I am really looking forward to a couple of months of that.<br />
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Also, we have been given a mediation date with Jack's former employers. It is set for the second week in July. Of course, I can not give any detail, but hopefully this hellish 2 year period of doom will all be over soon, in our favor. Jack had a doctor visit this week and the doc said he should have a fusion. Jack told him " No, thank you." The doc also told Jack that he was a record breaker. The Doc had never operated on one person 4 times in a row in such a short amount of time. Hell of a thing to be a record holder on, eh? There will be no more surgeries unless the alternative is to end up in a wheelchair forever. They keep hacking on him and he is still not fixed, and he is just done with it. There has been no improvements, so now he just wants pain management and to settle, so we can move on with our lives.<br />
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So hopefully, soon we will come to the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel we have been navigating.<br />
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Hmmm, what else?<br />
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Oh yeah, my birthday! I turned 34 on May 4th, and my Mom and older kids surprised me by taking us all out to dinner at Outback. It was scrumptious, and it was nice to be gathered with my family. The only down side was it was graduation weekend for FSU and FAMU, so the place was packed and very loud, which made talking almost impossible. One we got back to Mom's, I saw that she had made me one of her delicious cakes, which I adore. They also got me a humorous birthday card, with a sexy shirtless guy in it, and he sang happy birthday to me, but you had to rub his abs to get him to do it, and he was ticklish, so he giggled while he sang. It cracked me up. All in all, it was a very nice birthday, the best I have had in a very long time. I still smile when I think about it.<br />
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Mother's Day was a wash, due to us being sick, but Saturday, the day before, Jack made a great dinner and did the dishes, so it all worked out. He and Alex also got me a card each, and Alex also made me a handmade card. They both made me cry, they wrote such sweet things in them. It warmed my heart. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I know they love me, and I love them.<br />
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I think that is about it for now. My "short" post ended up being a little longer than I intended, but a lot has transpired since I last wrote lol.<br />
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So I will end here, and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!<br />
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P.S. I am still looking for questions for my 'Ask Me Anything' segment. I only have a couple, and I am really wanting to do this. So please, send your questions in. Click the graphic in the upper corner of the left sidebar to be taken to the post with the details! Thank you! :D<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-8384385492008998272013-05-11T09:30:00.000-04:002013-05-11T09:30:00.180-04:00Haunted at Planet Buddha!After a long silence, I finally posted over at <a href="http://planetbuddha.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Planet Buddha</a>!<br />
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I want to thank the people there for being so patient with me while I try to scrape my wits up out of the hole they have been hanging out in for over a year. They are amazing.<br />
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"I have never been much of a "seer" when it came to ghosts. While almost always aware...almost always being able to feel, and sometimes hear...there have only been a dozen or so times that I have ever laid eyes upon a ghost. The first time it ever happened, I was a young girl, and my great uncle passed away. I loved him dearly, and he visited me for a while. You can read that story <a href="http://planetbuddha.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-rocking-chair.html" target="_blank">here</a>. A doorway was opened, and it led to those other viewings, but it has never came easy for me since the first time......"<br />
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<a href="http://planetbuddha.blogspot.com/2013/05/haunted.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;">Continue reading post at Planet Buddha..</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-9438728710422492242013-05-01T18:14:00.001-04:002013-05-01T18:14:46.576-04:00What do you want to know? Ask Me Anything!Good afternoon folks!<br />
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I am excited to bring a new segment to Tales of the Wolf Queen!<br />
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It's called ASK ME ANYTHING!<br />
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Yesterday, I asked over on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TalesOfTheWolfQueen?ref=hl" target="_blank">FB Fan Page</a> for my readers to submit questions about anything they might want to know about me. It can be anything. Mundane questions like what is my favorite song, book, movie, color, and things of that nature. They can be of a much more personal nature. They can be intellectual questions.Anything goes!<br />
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I want to let you guys and gals ask me anything, so you can get to know me better. I find in my own blog reading, I want to know as much as possible about the ones I am really interested in. I figure there must be others out there who wish they could ask their favorite bloggers a few questions, so I am giving you all the chance to do just that with me!<br />
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Here is the deal. If you are on Facebook, then head over to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/TalesOfTheWolfQueen?ref=hl" target="_blank">Fan Page</a> for the blog and look for the ASK ME ANYTHING Picture pinned to the top, and submit your question in the comments. You can also message me on Facebook and submit your question that way.<br />
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Alternately, you can email me <a href="mailto:bellafoxglove@gmail.com" target="_blank">HERE</a> if you like. Just type "ASK ME ANYTHING" as the subject.<br />
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I will also be linking this post to the ASK ME ANYTHING picture over on the sidebar.<br />
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Once I have several questions collected I will answer them in a blog post!<br />
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That's all there is to it!<br />
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So, don't be shy, send in your questions! I am really looking forward to answering them!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-43136628294130977652013-04-30T09:25:00.002-04:002013-04-30T10:17:34.291-04:00Breakdown...I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week or so.<br />
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To start with, as most already know, I am bipolar, and I was hit with a pretty rough down swing.<br />
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I spent way to much time in my own head, which is a dangerous thing at times. I started looking at everything and everyone with bitter and jaded eyes. I felt very alone, and unloved. I started comparing what I did as a friend and what other people did as a friend, and felt that most of my "friendships" were very one-sided. I felt that I was the one doing all the work, and when I needed people, no one was there. Not that I ASKED them to be there, mind you. I just thought everyone should telepathically know that I was losing my shit and needed someone to fix me, help me, save me, take care of me for a change. So I went on a 4 day social networking silence...waiting to see when someone would notice.<br />
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No one did.<br />
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Or rather, no one came forward and said they did, until after the fact.<br />
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Then, I had an ugly public meltdown on one of my social networking pages. That is something I do not do very much...and I was horrified after the fact. I felt so very foolish. I tried to do some damage control, but there are still a couple of people who are making their displeasure known. I apologized, and there is not much more I can do about that. As I said in my apology, even the strongest stone can crack under the right amount of pressure.<br />
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I cracked.<br />
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It all just got to me. I was lonely, upset, scared, and overwhelmed. We have been in one of those " Omg, what are we going to do until the next check gets here, bills are piling up, our supplies are dwindling, I have to have all of these tests and I have to wait until we have the gas money.." periods. It sucks. ( No, his check has not gotten here yet. We still have a week to go. It is not going to be pretty. It sucks when one simple thing will fix it all *<strike>money</strike>* and that is the one thing we do not have, and neither does anyone else.)<br />
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I tried to talk to Jack...but that is not any help, as he is mired in the same crap I am. Only his mental state was a little worse, since he is the one who has always provided for us, and he feels like a failure. I needed to be reassured, but so did he, and we just did not have anything left to give each other in the way of comfort.<br />
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Feeling upset about our current situation got me to thinking about all those people who said "If I can help, let me know!" Yet, when I finally stuffed my dignity in a corner and asked, of course there was no help from those people. I will not go into my feelings on that, because none of them are nice. Or particularly rational.<br />
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The next step in the downward spiral was to become angry about everything my friends did.<br />
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( I don't hate anyone, but the rest is fitting )</div>
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"Look at that bitch, always taking a nap and laying down every time he/she gets a hangnail. Oh you have a migraine? You have cramps? You have to study? You have to go grocery shopping? You sliced your hand open on something? You have the flu? You are in the hospital? Well TO BAD! I sit here no matter what I feel like, I AM HERE, why can't anyone else suck it up and be here when it is so obvious that I am losing my mind, even though I have not said a single word about it to anyone, can't they read my silence as something OMINOUS"?<br />
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Yeah. Can we say ridiculous? I was angry at other people for taking care of themselves, just because I am always here, no matter how bad I feel. Very stupid thinking.<br />
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Then came the getting pissed off at my family. "Why do they only call when they want something from me? When they want me to fix something, or get them something, or do something? Why can't they ever contact me just to make sure I am not dead, to see if we need anything ( and actually help us with something, instead of just saying it out of social obligation. ) There is a lot of truth in that, but my Mom will call if she has not heard from me in a while and check on us.<br />
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So I started looking for the negative in everything, and we all know where that gets us.<br />
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No where.<br />
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Once I made my problems known in my meltdown, I actually got a lot of support. As one friend said, "if you need to talk, then LET ME KNOW." Well there is a novel idea. Instead of stewing in silence, I could say "Hey, I need some love here."<br />
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The next day, I was embarrassed at my outburst, and I read everything over again, and saw the love that is there, if I only reach out and tap into it.<br />
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It was a hard and embarrassing lesson to learn.<br />
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I then made the comment that I wished therapy were free...and a friend asked me if I had medicaid, and if so, then therapy was available. I had never thought of that. So yesterday, after talking with that friend, and another new friend ( whom I find myself liking more and more every time I talk to her) who is also in the process of seeking help, I made a couple of phone calls after looking in my provider handbook and seeing they do indeed offer mental health help. I called two of the four therapists in my network. One I did not like the vibe from, and the other, after first asking me if I were suicidal ( I'm not ) told me half her staff was out sick, she was swamped, and could she call me back today. I said yes, because even in the short amount of time we spoke, I liked her, so I am waiting to hear back from her.<br />
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I need outside help, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I need someone else to examine my brain instead of just me. I know what is wrong, but I can't fix it alone, and neither can well meaning friends, as willing as they are to let me bounce things off of them. I need to learn how to handle all of this mentally, and I probably need my meds looked at and possibly changed. It has been a long time since they have been adjusted.<br />
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I just can't do this alone anymore. My mind is twisting bad things into monumentally horrible things. I have enough going on in my life, the last thing I need is to sabotage myself on top of it. I have to learn how to not shut down, and how to not look at innocent things as the enemy. Yes, I am lonely, but if I keep this up, I will be truly alone, and I do not think I could handle that.<br />
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So that is what has been going on in the last week. SO much CRAP stuffed into a few days. It was not a good time to be in my own mind. It is like a bad acid trip...normal and innocent things look like big scary monsters and bad things that want to hurt me. I hope that this therapist wants to work with me. I am looking forward to it...to letting someone outside of all the crap I am going through ( who has no emotional ties to me ) help me look at things more objectively. I feel it can really be a lot of help.<br />
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That is what I am hoping anyways. That is my plan.<br />
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Well, there it is. That is what I have been dealing with, and I hope it is all over soon.<br />
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Have any of you ever had episodes like this? What did you to do deal with it? Did you seek outside help, or struggle through it alone? If you have any tips, please let me know in the comments!<br />
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Until next time....<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-29659711683473352832013-04-21T03:09:00.001-04:002013-04-21T03:09:13.841-04:00Sometimes...Sometimes I feel empty...even on the best of days.<br />
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Nothing is exactly wrong, but nothing is exactly right, either.<br />
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Perpetual limbo is it's own special kind of hell.<br />
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Sympathetic murmurs and pity filled eyes everywhere I turn.<br />
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Surrounded by loving well-wishers.<br />
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Even while appreciated, words no longer help.<br />
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We still feel alone.<br />
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Avoided like lepers.<br />
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No one wants to be around the downtrodden.<br />
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Two tired and weary faces mirrored in each other across the dining table.<br />
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Looking for hope in each other's eyes, but finding only the same exhausted defeat.<br />
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Backs turned towards each other in the night.<br />
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Clutching our pillows; silent tears slipping down our cheeks.<br />
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Hoping not to wake the other as we plead silently to the Universe to answer our call.<br />
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Yet we each feel the shaking of the bed, as suppressed sobs wrack our bodies.<br />
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We each pretend not to notice, trying to preserve what little dignity the other has left.<br />
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Fake smiles and false laughter to reassure our reason for existing that everything is okay.<br />
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Hearts shattering each time her tiny requests have to be answered with "I'm sorry, but no."<br />
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Sleepy narcotic hazes that never fully stop the pain.<br />
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Bodies that work against us, making each movement a Herculean effort.<br />
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Positive thoughts and affirmations becoming harder to maintain.<br />
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Sleep is no reprieve.<br />
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Reality becomes the nightmare, for the nightmare is the reality.<br />
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Endless days running together.<br />
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Time drags on.<br />
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Sometimes I feel empty...even on the best of days....<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06530694215865491263noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6347866792287989766.post-62881377879343529402013-04-18T21:30:00.001-04:002013-04-18T21:30:44.440-04:00On the road to a diagnosis...I met with a neurologist on Wednesday thanks to the Michael J. Fox Foundation.<br />
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The following is what I wrote as a Facebook note for my friends and family, and I am going to share it here with you all as well.<br />
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I met with Dr. Maitland and a group of five medical students . After asking me several questions about my symptoms and my problems, he had me leave the room and he talked to Jack and Alex alone for about 30 minutes. Jack told me that he asked him and Alex several questions about what changes they had seen in me, and things they had noticed. The Dr asked Alex was Mommy acting strange, and her answer was " Mama talks funny, and she falls a lot, and she drops things all the time. Her hands are bad, they do not work right."<br />
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After Jack gave his account of the things he has noticed, I was called back into the room and I was put through a series of physical tests. I had to do what I call 'drunk tests." He made me walk in a straight line, and touch my fingers to my nose. He had me get up and down from a chair many times, and I had to walk up and down a short flight of stairs several times, with a strapping young medical student there in case I fell. He was very attractive and I thought about flinging myself off the stairs just so he would have to catch me, hehe.<br />
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I had to "high step" which was pick my legs up as high as I could, with my knee towards my chest, several times on both sides. I learned today that with Parkinson's, one side of the body is usually worse than the other, and my left side is much worse than my right.I was afraid that today would be a "good body day" meaning I would not have as many problems as I do on other days, but luckily it was not a "good body day" and my speech and motor skill problems were very apparent.<br />
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I then had to walk around a little carpeted track, that has slight hills ( speed bumps ) and slight dips in it, and he watched me as I navigated the track several times. He said that I overcompensated on the hills, picking my legs up higher than needed, and I was not gauging the depth of the dips properly, I was trying to brace myself to step down way too soon.<br />
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He let me rest, and gave me some water, and then made me do the whole process over and over, about ten times. I was exhausted and shaky as a newborn colt, but he told me that the symptoms presented better when the body was pushed into being tired, the problems became more apparent. He was right about that, by the time we got out of there I could hardly speak, and my legs felt like they were going to give out. They STILL feel like that, hours later.<br />
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He had me lie on a table for about 20 minutes, so he could see the full body spasms and jerks that happen from time to time, and my body did not disappoint, it happened several times. He checked my reflexes and I told him I was very sensitive to touch. When he hit my left knee, I almost took his head off, my left leg flew up in the air. Alex thought this was hilarious. He moved to the side of me when he did the right side, and the reflexes there were not as overly sensitive as the left.<br />
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He had me toss a beach ball back and forth with him a few times. I missed it twice and got smacked in the face with it. I thought it was closer than what it really was. The same issue I had when navigating the dips in the track, I thought they were closer than what they were.<br />
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The Dr. asked me a ton of medical history questions, and questions about my parents and grandparents. They had me bring in samples of my writing, and since I am a paper hoarder, I still have reports I wrote in middle school. I had plenty to show him from way before my symptoms started ( 2007 ) and some after, and then he had me copy a paragraph from a book in cursive and longhand. He spread all of these papers out on a long table, in a timeline, and called the students over to look at it. I could not hear all of what he told them, but what I did catch were things like : See how smooth and flowing her earliest papers are, and as she progresses, the letters are not formed properly, and writing is shaky, and smaller." Once he got finished, she turned to me and told me that in Parkinson's and some other nerve disorders, handwriting was a huge indicator that there is a problem. The writing becomes messy and the words get smaller, because it is harder to control the pen or pencil. He showed me that my handwriting today was half the size it was when I was in middle school, and much messier now than it was back then.<br />
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Jack then asked him about my ability to type with no problems ( hands wise, I can hardly hold a pen to write anymore ) and why was I able to type and not do other things ( he was not asking to be nice, it bugs him to no end that I can type and not do other things...it bothers him that I am on the computer all the time. ) and the Dr. said a different part of the brain controls the movement of typing than it does with speaking or holding a writing tool. I did not have to squeeze anything or put much pressure on the keys, making it much easier to type than to write or do other tasks with my hands. Then he asked me if I had any trouble with typing, and I told him that I type between 80 and 90 WPM for years now, but over the last two years, my spelling has suffered, I type the wrong words even though I do not mean to. For instance, I WANT to type " I had a good time last night" and even though that is what I think I am typing, it is what I intend to type, what comes out is " I heard a grand itch last nite." Words that are correct, but not what I wanted to type and not what I thought I was typing. This caused him to write furiously in his chart.<br />
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Then Jack asked about my reading. He told the Dr. That I used to read ALL the time, for hours on end..two and three books at a time...and now I would read for maybe ten minutes and stop. This very stern and professional doctor ( who kind of scared me, he has no sense of humor ) turned to me and said in this strange and really gentle voice: " Do the words not look right anymore? Do you have to read the page over and over to get it to sink in or make sense?"<br />
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Something in his voice caused me to get tears in my eyes, and I nodded and said yes, but I never mentioned it to anyone ( I was VERY surprised when Jack said that, I did not realize he noticed me not reading as much ) because I just thought my eyes were tired or something, I recently got new glasses.<br />
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This stern man, who had shown not one ounce of personality or even friendliness thus far, patted me on the knee and said in the most compassionate voice " It's not your eyes honey, it's your brain..." and wrote for almost ten minutes in his chart. I was wiping tears the whole time. I am not sure why, but something in his voice and the fact that there was some unseen reason just struck me really hard and I got choked up. The fact he called me honey surprised Jack and I both, because before that, he showed not one iota of warmth or anything, so it stuck out like a sore thumb.<br />
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He turned to Jack and told him that one day I might not be able to communicate in any way other than typing,so he needed to not pressure me about it. I smiled and Jack was a little taken aback. Maybe now he will not give me so much grief about "talking" on the computer.<br />
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After that, he excused himself for about 30 minutes, and when he came back he told me he was in consult with another doctor and they watched the video of my session together ( I guess they fast forwarded a lot, we had been there for over two hours at that point..)<br />
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Then he told me he was ordering me a series of tests. He had the three MRI scans I had done a while back, but he said he wanted new ones. He ordered an MRI, with and without contrast dye...a CT Scan, a full blood work panel, and something new called a DaTscan...which he was all excited about. Apparently it measures the levels of Dopamine in the brain. It is a new thing, it has only been approved since 2011.<br />
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Once I have all those scans done, I have to go back and have a follow up and see what they say about my results. He told me that there was definitely something wrong in my brain, and he was not going to stop until he found out exactly what. He said way to many doctors were to eager to slap a Parkinson's diagnosis on a person because they did not want to go through the work of finding out what it is. MS and some other disorder that I now can not remember the name of closely mimic other nerve disorders, so he had to weed out other things before he can say if I do or do not have Parkinson's, since Parkinson's is more of a "You don't have these other things, and we don't know what it is, so we call it Parkinson's.." as a catch all. Parkinson's is what they tell you that you have when they can't diagnose you with anything else. He assured me he would rule EVERYTHING else out before we were through. He did say he would not give me any meds ( like the Neurontin ) until AFTER I have the tests done, because the different meds can mask the symptoms in the brain and nervous system...so I have to be "clean" until all the testing is done, and once he gets the results we can talk about medicine.<br />
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I was very scared when I got there, but I felt much better about him by the time we finally got through. He seems to want to help me, and he does not want to rush me along and slap me with some disease that I might not have.<br />
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So that has been my day. I am tired and shaky, but I feel good about my doctor, and his promise to not write me off, to really find out what is wrong with me.<br />
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If nothing else, the validation that there really is something wrong with me was worth going through all that...to know I am not crazy, and I am not making it all up. Jack has acted totally different with me. I know he thought I was telling the truth, but I also know he thought I might have been milking it a little so I did not have to do as much. Now he knows 100% that I am not milking it, I have a real problem, and now we will find out what it is.<br />
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I will update once I know more, after I have the tests done!<br />
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It was a very hectic experience, and I am still very tired today...I admit it. Next week I start calling to get all these tests set up, since we do not have a dime to our name for gas at the moment. I have a good feeling about it all, and I am hopeful that we will find out what is wrong with me soon.<br />
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So that is where things are for now. I will share my progress with you all along the way!<br />
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Have a great day!<br />
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