From Hero to Zero

A few days ago I wrote this post about how disappointed I was in a few of my "Literary Heroes". I am not going to name names, because I do not want to influence any one else's opinion on them.

A few of the commenter's on the last post asked me if it was a pagan writer than I was speaking of, and in two of the cases the answer is yes. The one that bothers me the most, and who inspired that last post, was someone who I really looked up to. Her life played out a lot like mine. She was Wiccan, and later decided that it was not the right path for her, so she became an Eclectic Witch, like myself. She is a not fat but fluffy gal, like me lol. The first book I read that was written from her really hooked me. It was a self-help book of sorts, and it dealt with body image with a Pagan mentality. She was funny and sarcastic and wrote in the same style I usually write in. She was  raped at a pagan festival, and this changed her whole outlook on life, and her body image and many other things. While mine was not at a festival, I was raped as well by two people I trusted, one was one of my oldest friend's father, and the other person was someone I had trusted for many years. She was in her early 20's, I was only 14. But like her, it changed my entire outlook on life. I have never been able to trust a man fully until I met my current husband, and it has taken him years to get to that point.

This author wrote some of the most inspiring words I have ever read. When I got through with the book, it was all I could think about for weeks. It brought such a positive change to my life, and she became an instant hero to me. Hero because she had been through what she had, the attack, the doubts, the fears, the crippling self image...and she had managed to overcome...or so I thought.

I looked up every bit of info I could find on her, and she is the one who even got me into the idea of writing a blog, because hers were so raw and wonderful. ( Obsessive much? Lol. But no one realizes just how much of an impact she had on my life..) I then became one of the people she allowed into her private blog...the uncensored, unedited, non politically correct journal. I was ECSTATIC! Everything was great at first, (other than I was a bit miffed that direct messages to her  go unanswered. Considering the small number of people that are on that personal blog, it is just rude to not address anyone who takes the time to comment, but maybe that is just me...after the second time she did not respond, and I saw that she seldom responded to anyone, yet posted 5 and 6 times a day, I just read from that point on) I got to see her in "real life" so to speak...and then I started reading her back entries.

Wow.

I saw very quickly it was all fake. She had not come out the other side, on top and taking charge of her life. She was the total opposite! She is an emotional wreck, larger than ever, hating herself while preaching about loving herself. At first some of the entries made me cry, because some are so sad and heart wrenching, and because I have felt that same way. But as she posted more and more, I began to get angry. One of her blogs is her path to being a Vegan, and it is full of really great info, funny stories, and links to various places she likes to read and draws inspiration from. Fake. I get to read about the cheese and ice cream and meat and egg binges. Sitting in bed or on the couch on weekends stuffing her face with all the things she supposedly does not eat, and then runs around in a flurry cleaning up the evidence, and getting rid of it, even though she lives alone.

Now she is saying she is not sure if she is even Pagan anymore. She is unsure of what she is. It makes me so. damn. angry. and I feel betrayed. Then I feel guilty because she did let me into her "inner sanctum" of sorts, and here I am talking about it, but it tears me up that this person, who has written some of the most awesome things I have ever read, who is so uplifting and REAL..is really just an emotional cripple. At first it made me respect her a tad bit more, because I was like " Wow, she is real just like me" but the more I read, the more I saw that it was just a lie....it made my whole foundation of self shake, and that made me very angry.

Angry because there are so many out there who I know have gotten something special from that book in particular, and from her others I am sure ( and yes I know that some will say " Well as long as you got something out of it, then all was not lost, which is true BUT: ) but it pisses me off when it is all a lie. Something I value above most other things is honestly and directness. If she had been upfront about it for the world to see, then it would have affected me differently. I know some may argue that it was to hard and personal to put out there, but if you can tell the world that you were raped and the things you have dealt with since then ( some were major ) then I fail to see how revealing that you still had moments where you backslid would be so hard to share. The fact that you back slide would help some who can relate and not feel like shit when they are upset and inhale a pint of Ben and Jerry's or something. But that was not the case. The image of " I beat this totally and you can too!" is what was portrayed, and that image is tarnished now.

One of the others is a case of " I woke up today and decided Paganism is evil" and I almost had a stroke I was so pissed off. This from one of the " In your face" types of Pagan authors. The other two were just people who turned out to be deplorable for a myriad of reasons, but none of them affected me in the way the first woman did. I know some will say I am over reacting, and I might be...but this person changed my life in a very good way...and other people as well...and now it just feels like a big lie, and I am so let down and disappointed.

She is still the funny, witty, and hilariously sarcastic writer she always was...but now I know the other side...and it sucks.

*Music of the Moment: Stolen Prayer by Alice Cooper*