Sunday, September 13, 2009

Ok Universe, I get it.....

Hello guys and gals. I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend. It has been a very very rainy one for me, but that is ok, we needed it and it kept things cool today. It also gave me a lot of time to reflect upon some very obvious signs the Universe has been hitting me over the head with.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to mentally and emotionally heal from the passing of 2 family members, being sick, quitting smoking, and some parental strife (between my parents, not Jack and myself lol). I have been longing for Fall so much it almost hurts. Fall and Winter are when I come alive. The colder it is, the happier I am, the more energy I am filled with...this Summer....hell, this whole YEAR... has been a tough one...and I am over it...ready for the next phase.

Many people "Spring Clean" every year. I "Fall Clean" instead. As the temps tease me by getting into the mid to low 60's a couple of nights a week, my thoughts have turned inward again, as they do this time of year, when I start planning my mental lists of things I want to get done. A huge part of that every year is trying to de-clutter my house. I see articles about it everywhere, I see things that remind me of the projects I want to get done, and then I find this post over at The Domestic Witch, and it really made me stop and think.

This year I have so much more to get rid of than the usual accumulation of crap hanging around. I have a lot of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual clutter to get rid of. A lot has happened over the last year, some good, and a lot of it bad, but all of it has left me cluttered up inside. Things happened so fast I had no time to process one thing before the next one happened. So instead of trying to work through it at all, I just kept pushing it down deeper and deeper inside of me, adding more and more on top of it month by month, until finally I felt like I was literally up to my eyebrows with internal garbage. I tried to finally start working through everything, and I found that I was unable to. I was numb. Totally devoid of emotions other than apathy. I could not seem to care about anything. I did not want to talk to anyone, email anyone, chat with anyone. It took Herculean effort to answer even the shortest of emails. I started avoiding everyone, I just could not deal with one more thing, no more drama, from my side or from anyone else either.I was/am tired of hearing it. I had nothing left to give.

The same day that I read that post from The Domestic Witch ( Not to be confused with Domestic Witch lol ) both my husband and my best friend asked me when they could have the old me back. This really shook me up, and I ended up spilling my guts to my best friend and bawled my eyes out. I felt a little better afterwords, and it gave me enough release so I could think about what was wrong and how could I fix it.

The answer is, as the one woman said during the banishing scene in Practical Magic: "Let's clean house!"

Not just my physical house, although it needs it too, ( and I was working on that at 2 a.m. this morning lol ) but my mind, heart, and spirit. I have felt so lifeless and apathetic about everything in my life, moving  through my day in a fog, not really focusing on anything. I have not felt like anything was magical in my life, or took steps to create magic in my life, in SO long. I do not like the person I had become, and as the energy I feel this time of year starts to slowly ( achingly slow!) fill me up, it is time to let go of all that has been building up inside of me, choking me of life.

I took steps to start that process over the last 24 hours. I spent time last night after everyone was in bed cleaning. Dusting, running the vac, sweeping and mopping, dishes, deep cleaning the stove, cleaning the glass and  bric-a-brac  we have, and I cleaned and refreshed my living room altar for the first time in ages.

Today was my 11 year old son's birthday party, which was nice, and all the kids stayed at Mom's so Jack and I got a very rare chance to be alone. We left there and went to the flea market (We got some squash and zucchini, 4 books, and I replenished my Nag Champa and Egyptian Musk incense) and then we went grocery shopping together (which hardly EVER happens) and really got a chance to reconnect with each other. Later as we were watching the race, he even got up in the middle and whipped up some fresh egg salad and we ate it on crackers lol. It was a nice evening, and long over due.

So in conclusion, I am about to start the de-cluttering of my life phase, and it might be a little rough at times. There is some pretty heavy stuff I need to let go of, and part of me is very afraid to do so, because once I let it go, I am scared that I will forget...and that a part of me will somehow be missing. I know that is not actually the case, but it is still a formidable thing to face...

Skeletons in the closet, Demons of the soul, Monsters under the, love, hope, pain, agony, defeat, anger....all being reflected through my eyes back to me as I stare in the mirror....

Have you looked at what lies in the space behind your eyes today?

*Music of the Moment: Southern Cross ( Jimmy Buffet version)*

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Anonymous said... poor lovely girl...if only I could give you my comfort in real life person!
You remind me so much of me a few years ago...I still have "The Dark Night Of The Soul" a few times every now and then, and there is nothing anyone can do to help.
There is no easy are a deep, soul-searching such, you WILL be able to shake off the your own time...when you can muster the strength to fight your Demons...I know it's really hard to begin the battle, but you have at least put on your Armour...
I'll help you any way I can...just ask...

Meganne said...

Might I suggest Spiritual Housecleaning: Healing the Space Within by Beautifying the Space Around You by Kathryn L. Robyn? It's more about emotional healing through cleaning than spirituality, but it's got me thinking a little more deeply about how the inside and outside match up. And what a cluttered mess that is right now, too.

Good luck, darling! I have all the faith in the world that you can do it.

Rue said...

Ah, tis the season for monsters and skeletons. I have every faith that you will know what to do with them - you are strong and brave - demons beware!

Blessings to you!

Waeben said...

This part really spoke to me:

"I have not felt like anything was magical in my life, or took steps to create magic in my life, in SO long."

But it sounds like you are well on your way to reigniting that magic and getting back on track. Even the painful, crying parts are necessary for re-finding your path.

Anonymous said...

If only you knew more about me...I've been through what you are going through. I lost the 3 closest people to me in my life (my grandfather, my husband, and my grandmother) in a span of three years. All one right after the other...bam bam bam. The 3 year anniversary of my late husband's death wil be Oct 11. I can't tell you how many times I ball right through the cleaning. Something about cleaning clears my mind and lets all the cleansing grief and tears through. I've been where you've been. Completely apathatic, grieving, and trying to declutter my life (I'm still grieving and doing the decluttering part)so please know that you are not alone. P.S. Glad I could pay the inspiration forward. I was inspired by the article at Witchvox.

AmyK. said...

I'm with you on the Fall Cleaning. I teach school so the Fall is a natural time of "beginning anew" for me.

Be sounds like you have a lot going on.

Unknown said...

Thank you everyone, for your kind words, stories and suggestions.

I really appreciate them all. Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you...