This post has little direction, it is just something I have been thinking about, and while there are posts I "want" to write, apparently I will not be able to write them until I get out the things I "need" to write. Don't you just love it when that happens?
Over the last few months, on and off, and especially the last few days, I have been thinking of an old friendship that has changed quality, and for a long time this really upset me. Up until the last year, there was no one I had ever met that I related to so well. A lot of things happened over the course of that relationship, some of the happiest times of my life, and some of the lowest times of my life. I still miss that person, and sometimes I miss them a lot, like the last week, and had taken steps to try to hopefully get back some of the feelings I had in that old friendship. Within two days I ended up having what I call "doubt attacks", where I start to doubt things around me, where I doubt the truthfulness of the people around me, and wondered if life as I know it was one big sham all over again.
Thank the freaking gods I remembered one of the reasons I pulled away from the friendship in the first place. That person, while they understood me, they also understood me enough to push my buttons, and fill my head with doubt, even indirectly. This person is the type of who gets their kicks from stirring up trouble in other peoples lives. I had hardly even spoken to this person, and already the old bad feelings were back, with not one drop of the good feelings. I let it go immediately. Took the person off my Facebook, other social networking places, the whole nine yards. I have spent enough of the last couple of years in chaos, things are just about as perfect as they get in my life right now, and there is nothing about that old relationship, no matter how good the good times were, that is worth jeopardizing all the hard work I have put into myself and my relationships.
So then I sat around for a couple of days after I did this, feeling sorry for myself that I had "lost" this friend all over again, when it occurred to me that I was a freaking idiot. That old friend could not step back into their old shoes because that spot had been taken over by someone wonderful, someone who has been by me through thick and thin for the last year, who has shown me unwavering support, even when we disagreed over something ( which does not happen much ) and who would never betray me, or my family, or try to get in the way of my happiness, and would do anything they could to encourage that effort and growth. Someone who, if something good happens to me, would not think that life was horribly unfair because the same exact thing was not happening to them, or because their life might be a little tougher than mine at that time. Who understands the horror I have gone through in my life, and who's heart aches with me, instead of using these things against me to wreak havoc in my world. Who does not use my pain to further themselves, or spread lies to make themselves look good around other people. Or even worse, pretend they are not really my friend at all to other people.
It is not always rainbows and butterflies in these new relationships, but we always bounce back, stronger than ever, our bond more solid every day. So while it is okay to mourn that lost friendship, there is even more reasons to celebrate the new ones, and give thanks that I finally found the kind of friends that are true and sincere.
Sometimes what they say is true, you can't go back. I just thank the stars I had enough sense to realize this before it was to late.
Music of the Moment: "Let it go" by Cavo