Thursday, November 25, 2010

30 Days of Truth : Day 15

Day 15 : Something or someone you can not live without, because you have tried and couldn't...

This one is hard...and I hope my other children will forgive me, but they have been with my parents for so long it is different.

That would be Alex. I love all of my children with every fiber of my being. Alex is a little different however. Maybe it is because we were not sure she ( Or I for that matter ) would survive her birth. Maybe it is because  she "broke the mold" and I can not have anymore. Maybe it is because she is the only one I have had this long. ( Oldest I had until 4 months old and my son until he was 5 years old ) Maybe it is because she is my last chance to get it right. She is my saving grace, so to speak.

All I know is that Jack and I have almost split up twice, years ago, and each time he took her, because he is the one with the job and the means to support her. The first time we spent a weekend apart, the second time overnight. I thought I was going to die each time. Not being with her every day is something I cannot handle. Now sure we might go on vacation or something, or she spends the night with my parents, but I mean on a potentially permanent basis.

Missing Jack, whom I dearly love, was bad enough, but the thought of not having Alex every day here by my side takes my breath away. My heart is pounding and I have tears in my eyes and I am short of breath just writing about this, and reliving those emotions that I had.

I will do anything, compromise myself and my happiness in any way, just as long as my baby girl is with me every day. Nothing else is more important than that. It took me a long time to grow up and feel that way and be willing to fight and not be selfish...and I will never, ever, let her go until she is an adult and living on her own.

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