Monday, July 16, 2012

On reinventing yourself...and a hard decision..

I have been thinking a lot about the reinvention of self.

I have certainly done it, and most people probably have. Changing the style of clothes you wear. Changing hair style and color. For those of us who blog, changing blog names, making new ones. As I said, I am reasonably sure that most of us have gone through this process at least once.

I have noticed something though. Some people seem to do this constantly. Every week, or month, or every few months, they totally overhaul their lives, or something about their lives, only to end up the same exact way they were before. Then they announce some big new change, a total revamp...and they end up right back where they were before, facing the same problems, having the same attitude, going through the same issues over and over again.

I have learned that you can not run from your problems. You can not run from yourself. You can make all the outward changes in the world, but if you do not change who you are at your core, then you are always going to end up right back where you started. If you have a bad attitude, or if you blame everyone else for your problems, you can change anything you want, but if you do not change your attitude, or take some personal responsibility for your life, you are just wasting your time and effort. Six week, or six months from now, you will be right back at square one, with a new name, a new face, or a new wardrobe, but until you change your outlook on life, none of it will matter.

Instead of trying to change the outside, try changing the inside. Consider that if you keep having the same issues over and over again with other people, maybe it is not the other people's fault. Maybe it is YOU that needs to change, not them.

Keeping things fresh, and having a little shake up every now and then are very good things in my opinion. Repeating the same mistakes over and over again while wearing a different (metaphorical) outfit changes nothing. It took me a long time to realize this. I spent so much time blaming my parents for my mistakes, or saying that I was a victim of circumstance, so since it was not my fault, then it was also not my fault that nothing ever changed inside of me. I stopped growing and learning. I spent all my time being bitter and angry, feeling betrayed and victimized when people supposedly did me wrong. What really happened was people got tired of my bullshit, and decided they were better off without me. I realized I was that person that everyone walked on eggshells around, because they never knew when I was going to blow up, or flip out on them, or get up on my high horse and be totally bullheaded and unreasonable about something. I was a walking time bomb.

It took most of the people I care about basically walking out on me and my bullshit to realize that until I took a long hard look inside myself, and realized that the only person who was making me a victim was me, I was destined to be alone and miserable. My marriage suffered, my relationship with my family suffered, my friendships suffered. Granted, not ALL of the fault was mine, there were some cases where whomever I was dealing with was just a jerk or something, but most of the time, I could place a good portion of the blame squarely on my shoulders, even if it was a situation like I am in now. Someone is in my life who is not good for me, I do not like this person's attitude, or their outlook on life. However, because I care for this person, I allow the relationship to continue, even though I am unhappy, and need to get out of it. I am not being what this person needs in their life, and they sure as hell are no where near what I need in mine. So even though it is the person's fault that they are the way they are, the blame is just as much mine because I let it continue.

The funny part in all this is that I hate to be the bad guy. I hate to be the one who walks away. I hate to be considered a quitter, or a bad friend, or whatever the case may be. So I have let it continue, knowing that the relationship is not what I need, and since I am not getting what I need, I am not giving what they need either. I just can't stomach it anymore. To much has been lost, I have had to fight to hard to get back what was taken from me, and I just do not want to do it anymore. The person has not changed in years, and from what I see, they never will. The backlash is inevitable.I will be talked about, probably slandered, and told to anyone who will listen that I am a bad person, because that is how this person works. Know what? I honestly do not care any more. That no longer scares me, because the people in my life who care about me know me, and know who I am at heart. I do not hate this person, in fact I have cared for a long time, but I just can not stomach the relationship any longer. No amount of external reinventing will change who they are inside, and after years of witnessing this, I fear they will always be this way, and that makes me sad, because if all that icky energy were channeled the right way, this person would be the best friend one could ever have.

I have been agonizing over this decision for weeks, and it was a simple thought and resulting picture that brought it all to a head, and I realized that I will be okay, and just as importantly, the other person will be okay as well. We both deserve better in life, and this stagnant friendship is only dragging us both down. So I am freeing us both tonight. My decision is made. It will hurt, and it will probably hurt us both, but I have to do it. I have worked to hard on myself to be drug backwards, and it is like looking at myself in the past. I am moving forward, and the person I see ahead of me will never be obtained until I get away from those who keep me rooted to who I was in the past.

I have learned these lessons the hard way, which is how it usually works for me. Nothing worth having in my life has ever come easy, which is why I know this has to be done. I speak from a place of understanding and experience, not a place of " I do not like you anymore, kick rocks." I hope this person finds happiness within THEMSELVES, not from external trappings and through other people. Because unless you can look hard at yourself and realize your own faults, you have no room to be pointing out any one else's in my opinion.

So that is where I am tonight. Making hard, but much needed choices. So we can both move forward in our lives, what ever direction that may be. I know the other party will not believe it, but I end this relationship with no ill thoughts or wishes, I truly hope that this person is happy and will continue to be so, and will experience great love and friendship. I really do. I still care about them, but I just can not do this anymore. What was had is now lost, and I do not see a way to get it back. So I am walking away, even though it is hard and pains me to do so.

So folks, I guess the moral of the story is this:

Have a great week everyone, and take some time to do some inner reflecting, what you find just might surprise you...


abydos6 said...

Although I don't know you, I agree with everything that you have said here, and I believe that you are making the right decision. Stay strong, sending good thoughts your way.

Vickie said...

It's always a difficult choice to end any relationship that you have poured your heart into. And like you said, sometimes it's for the best for both parties involved.

I fully understand and support your decision. I also agree if they made the changes to their internal self, they would be a much better person and finally know how to be the friend they are looking for. Unfortunately, you can't have or keep great friends until you first know how be BE a great friend.

I'm sorry for the pain this choice has caused you... let me know if I can help. <3

Kleaf19 said...

"Instead of trying to change the outside, try changing the inside. Consider that if you keep having the same issues over and over again with other people, maybe it is not the other people's fault. Maybe it is YOU that needs to change, not them."

Yup, that about sums it up!


Anonymous said...


I came across your blog post by accident. I thought it remarkable how you expressed the very same sentiments that I have said to myself over relationships that I have needed to's so hard to break the cycle and take ownership! I hope you find the patience and courage to do what you know you need to do. And remember to have compassion for yourself in the process. Thanks for your post!