I just wanted to drop in and say thank you to some very special people who have helped my family since I wrote that post asking for help. It was the hardest post I have written, as I have a really hard time asking for help about anything. My way of dealing with issues like this is to go within and just deal with it, I do not ask for help. I felt we had reached rock bottom though, and we had exhausted local resources we had available to us, so I swallowed my pride, if you want to call it that, and asked for outside help, as well as open up about something I had not told anyone except Jack, which was the potential Parkinson's disease. A few of you were AMAZING and donated a few dollars, and my Sirens...my totally amazing Sirens rallied around me and pointed me in the right direction with some programs that could help us, and got me in touch with the Michael J. Fox foundation, in addition to some of them sending me clothes for Alex, a few wonderful gifts for the kids, and just today I got a package with things for Alex from another Siren. My mother also helped us, which was so awesome, with some money and some gifts for us to give Alex from us, as at the time we did not have but two things for her. In addition to those things, others have send messages of support and prayers for us, which is very appreciated also.
Most people have been really amazing, and I am so very grateful for everything. It pulled us out of the hole we were in, and we are treading water again for the most part. I did get a couple of nasty emails, one telling me to "get off my lazy ass and go to work" which was lovely. Going to work NEVER even crossed my mind, dontcha know? *Rolls eyes* If I could work, I would be working, especially when things are so tough for us right now. Maybe this person does not actually read my blog, but that whole being unable to speak for longer than a few minutes without an increasingly worsening stutter, and the fact that my fine motor skills in my hands are decreasing, so I can hardly hold things, or pick things up, or use a basic pincer motion. Add to that the fact my nerves go crazy from time to time, making my arms, hands, and legs jump uncontrollably, and well...that makes it kind of hard to get the jobs I might actually get hired at in the crappy job market around here. I am not even comfortable driving at this point...well...up until this week, which I will explain in a moment.
So for those ( They would not tell me who they were of course, they sent anonymous comments to my blog, but due to the heavy spam load I moderate my comments before I post them ) who called me lazy and looking for a handout, or telling me I need to change my life? Bite me. I would gladly exchange ALL of this nightmare to have a good job. I do not go around with my hand out. I have a husband who worked his ass off to provide us with what we needed, and this terrible back injury, which has resulted in two surgeries SO FAR, and the fact we are trying to survive on 80% of what we were barely getting by on at 100%, combined with the fact he sees me struggling every day, he knows the problems I have, he knows my frustration and hurt and confusion, has led us to where we were when I wrote that post. We are not moochers. Yes, I might not have had a paying job for a while, but the truth is when I left Subway, my hands were starting to go...I was unable to take coins out of the cash register to give change to people, but had no idea why...so I changed jobs, and got laid off 3 months later. At that time we, as a family unit, decided it cost us more in gas and babysitting fees to really offset any profit we made from me working. So I work my ass off here at home instead. Yes, we would be so much better off if I could work, or if he was healed enough to go back to work, but I can't, and he isn't. If it makes those people feel bigger and better about themselves to say such things to me, then more power to you. I made a ton of mistakes the first 25 years of my life, I fully admit that, but that was then, and this is 9 years later.
Everyone needs help at some point in their life. I hope that for those who sent nasty comments, if they ever end up needing help...I hope they get that help, and I hope that no one says to them what those people said to me. But at the same time, karma is a bitch and I hope it slaps em in the face. I am only human. *Shrugs*
So, thank you to those who helped us, I can not thank you enough.You gave us the breathing room to keep from going totally under.
Now, onto other things. I ended up in the E.R. last week..I had some type of terrible flare up in my legs and arms...and the muscles in my legs were contracting really hard and fast, to the point it felt like the muscles were trying to rip off the bone. I was really scared and was actually screaming at one point...I could not control the muscle spasms, and Jack said "We are going or I will call you an ambulance, which is it?" So we went about 8 that night and we were there until 4ish. Long story short, they did a couple of tests, and after explaining to the ER doc about the possible Parkinson's issue, a light bulb kind of went off over his head and he gave me an Rx of Neurontin, a nerve pill...and let me tell you, it has worked WONDERS! The first 3 days after that I felt like a truck hit me, I could hardly walk, due to those misfiring muscles making my legs spazz out, making them feel like I ran a marathon, and the Neurontin has to build up in your system to have the best effects, but once the muscles recovered and the meds leveled out in my system, the difference was remarkable. The tremors and shaking were not so severe, I can talk for longer periods of time ( but that has not gone away totally, 20 min or so is my max before the muscles get tired and start to spasm ) I could actually get ice out of the ice maker and not drop most of it in the floor. I still do not have much of a grip, but at least the shaking is not as bad. It does not make it all go away totally, but it really helps lessen the severity of the problems. Also, it will knock a migraine out in a heartbeat, which is an added bonus!
I am hoping the MJF foundation will be able to help me. The woman I spoke with was very nice and really seemed to want to help me. I do not really expect to hear back until after the holidays, even though she told me it would be a week to ten days before it would be looked at, due to the volume of people they are working with at any given time. She did say that if for some reason they could not help me, she would set me up with an outside agency that could help, so that is good news. I was actually able to drive again today ( Jack had a Dr. appointment and they gave him a shot which made him unable to drive safely ) with no fear of having my arms flail around at odd times, jerking the wheel, which is dangerous.
On a totally different note, I wore high heels for the first time since I broke my ankle a year and 4 months ago now. I do not wear them often, even before I broke my ankle, but it made me sad to think I would never wear them again. I was so scared I would fall, or turn my ankle, or something, so I just resigned myself to never wearing them again. Jack worked very hard to convince me that I could do it, to not be afraid. My ankle with the hardware is actually more stable than my normal ankle, and the fear was in my head. Not to mention I have lost a total of 43 pounds since I broke my ankle as of today ( I asked the nurse if I could step on their scale today and she agreed ) so I am not as big as I still think I am. I am fitting in clothes I never thought I would be able to again. I wore them all day today ( a pair of black "bitch boots" as I call them, knee high, very sexy to me ) and felt so good! No pain, and once I got used to walking in them again I was all over the place. So nice to feel like a woman again, instead of having to wear stuff that would go with my poor beat up tennis shoes I have had for 6 years all the time. Very nice indeed.
So good things have been happening, and while we are still scrounging for money, at least Christmas will not be a total bust. In addition to the gifts donated to us, Jack has been hard at work on a few special things for the teens. I can not say what they are due to they read my blog every now and then, but he is working his butt off to make them something special from his heart. I am really proud and grateful.
The one sad note, if you will, is that this will be the first Christmas without my Dad. I am so looking forward to going over to my Mom's, I have not really got to see them in a couple of months due to being sick and stuff, so I really miss seeing them, but at the same time, in the back of my mind I am a little shaky feeling about it. I know we will be fine...it is just one of those first milestones that have to be gotten over. First time Alex's birthday passed with no Dad, first holiday season, his birthday is January 18th, my first birthday without him, the anniversary of his passing. Friends and family tell me once you get through the first year of "firsts" without them, it get's a tiny bit easier from then on. I am no longer a wreck or anything...but I have my moments still. I miss the old codger very much :)
I am going to close finally. I will be posting again tomorrow to talk about my Yule plans, as I am actually doing something this year lol. I just wanted to extend my most heartfelt thanks, love, and appreciation for the wonderful people who have helped us when they could. It means everything to us.
Love to you all!
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