Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Strange Tides...

I have felt this shift in the Universe for a couple of weeks now. Since the 21st to be honest, but I am not sure if that is because of an actual shift in the cosmos or if it is just in my mind. Either way, I feel it.



I have a hard time sitting still these days. I seem to always be doing something, and if I am not, I feel restless and discontent. I am in an organize phase, and a cleaning phase. Nothing is clean enough, nothing is organized enough. This is not a bad thing, but it is different for me. I am always cleaning or doing something, but never with this sense of urgency. It feels like if I am not cleaning then it will mean the end of the world.

Very strange.

I am also finding myself out of patience. I am no longer willing to constantly explain myself, to try to make people understand me. I am tired of trying to stuff myself into someone else's box, tired of trying to find some shred of common ground to get people to accept me, or to see I am not so different from them, so they do not feel uncomfortable.



The truth is, I am a lot different than most people I know. I am more comfortable on the darker side of things. Not evil, not bad, just darker. I like dark humor, I like dark colors, I like dark clothes. There is nothing wrong with that, or with me, it is just who I am. All my life I have been trying to get people to accept and understand me, and I am just no longer willing to do that. I am a great person. Sure I have made mistakes, and I am far from perfect, but who hasn't?



I am at the age to where you either accept me or you don't. I am me, I have always been me, and I grow and change just like everyone else. Who I am at my core, however, has never changed. My father used to tell me that "With age comes wisdom" and he is very correct.  The older I get the more I learn about myself, and as of late, I am learning how other people actually see me. People that I thought were very close to me do not talk to me as much, especially since it was made known that we were in need. People in need tend to make other people very uncomfortable, even if that need is never mentioned between them. Like they are just waiting to be asked for help. I would never go directly to anyone and ask for help, especially from people I am close to, because chances are I know how much they might be struggling too. When I wrote that blog post, throwing it all out there, it took everything I had to do it. It goes against everything I believe in.  But I did it in a way that made it easy for anyone who wanted to and was able to help could do so. I did not schlep door to door of my friends and family and ask for anything. I could never do that. I am also finding out how people I thought were close to me really feel about me. Someone very close to me hurt me terribly not long ago, and I am still reeling from it, from the shock. I have no desire to go into details, with anyone about it, nor will I, but it has hurt me to my core, which is not easy to do.



I am tired of defending my life choices to people. I live in BFE because I wanted to be closer to my parents and my kids, and because of the schools. I am with Jack because I love him and feel he is my soul mate. I am not with other people because I was not meant to be, or for whatever reason was the case at the time. It no longer matters why, because I am with the person I love more than anything aside from my children. I am not working because when I left work, I was simply paying for the babysitter and the gas to go to work. There was no profit. Now, I am unable to work in the jobs that are most likely to hire me, even if the economy did not suck here, and the jobs I can do will not hire me because even though I have  the knowledge, I do not have the college degree to go with them. My older kids do not live with me because I made stupid decisions when I was younger, and I could not afford to take care of them. They are better off where they are, I fully admit this. I have the desire and the love and the knowledge to care for them, but I do not have the resources to do so. Plus, to be honest, my mom NEEDS them, she needs someone with her. I am not Christian, Wiccan, or any other religion because I do not agree or believe in those religions.



Those are the things that seem to matter to people. Where do you live, where do you work, where are your kids, what religion are you, and who are you with, and why. So there it is. Never mind that there is so much more to me than those things. Never mind what kind of brain, what kind of heart, what kind of soul I have. Most people have no desire to know those things about me, unless they match up with what they themselves believe in. There are a few that do, but very few. When I meet someone new I automatically start trying to explain myself, so throw my life story right out there, so they can go ahead and judge me or not judge me and we can either maybe develop a relationship or they can go on their merry way. I have no problem explaining myself to new people, but it is tiresome and old to keep repeating myself and trying to justify my right to believe the way I want to believe over and over again to the people who have been in my life for some time. It will no longer happen. I am done. Either you have accepted me by now, or you don't. No longer will I explain myself or justify my beliefs to people. This is just the way I am.



This is going to be an interesting year. I am learning new things and working my way through several things internally. My surroundings are changing as well, as I clean and organize...and my personal life is is also changing, as new people come in to my life and as people seem to be leaving it. There are people who have become so very special to me and I am grateful for them.

Everything is changing, and while some of the lessons will be hard and might hurt, I can honestly say I am excited to see where the tide takes me....



Now that I finally have this post out of the way, as it has been brewing for several days now...there will be many more to come soon!

Do any of you find yourself having to repeat the same things over and over to the people in your life?





1 comment:

Stevie said...

Bella,
Love your post and you go girl. :)

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