Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Up and down that lonely road of faith...again.

Well I have changed my dress once more, and my blog button as well. The dress is not finished, but I kept going back to this one and decided I would use it for awhile...the different shades of purple kept drawing me in....


Moving on, I wonder if I am the only Witch who goes through so many spiritual identity crisis'? The fact that I am a Pagan never changes..just the particular branch I feel drawn to at the time does. At first it was Wicca when I started out, and boy THAT changed in a hurry. Then I went to being a Green Witch...and then a Kitchen Witch, and then an Eclectic Witch, and then on to Native American Spirituality, and  now I am on the move again. I am all of those things and none of those things, all at the same time.


I figured out a long time ago that I really did not adhere to any "religion", and it is one of the several reasons I went from being Wiccan to "Just a Witch". I used to worry about what God or Goddess I needed to call to for this or that, and stress over if I called the right one for the right reason, and was I talking to them the right way, was I formal enough, was I TOO formal...would my spell or prayer not come true because I did not put enough energy into it, blah blah blah. Then I stopped being such a ninny and realized that I was trying to hard, and that the different gods and goddesses to me were simply the personification of human personality aspects. That is where I stayed for many many years. My next branch on the path was towards the Native American Spirituality of my ancestors...and I threw myself into that...only to realize that I already encompassed half of that into my daily life as it was...so I stayed in that limbo for a while.


Now we come to the present day. Now I find myself drawing even farther away from the god and goddess aspect, and more towards nature as a whole. However I still hold Gaia close to me...and maybe that is because she represents Mother Nature as a whole herself.


Maybe it is because I am older and wiser, and have sifted a lot of the wheat from the chaff, and realize I do not have to run around and try to be the perfect Witch for every type of Witch there is. I go through these stages where I do not even want to hear about anything to do with the craft. Or anything else for that matter, and my tarot gets left behind, and all the things I normally like to read and do spiritually get pushed aside and I feel very apathetic about it all. Now that I have relaxed, and realized that all I have to be is me, and what I need and want to be will flow nice and easy, instead of me paddling frantically against the current, because I do not realize that downstream is the way I should be going in the first place...


Now I find myself working with my Tarot cards...and reading and studying again, because I am no longer fighting the current, which was really just fighting myself all along. We tend to over analyze things, take things so very literal, and strive so hard to do everything correctly..that we lose a lot of the lesson, lose a lot of the information, simply because we are not listening...


There are big changes happening in the Universe right now. A lot of us are feeling the same ways, and not knowing why. Eating more, when normally we are not the type to stuff our faces, but now we are ravenous every couple of hours. Sleeping more, being exhausted, no amount of sleep seems to be enough, brain fog, loss of clarity. Some of us even feel the need to start stockpiling supplies, such as long shelf life food, medical supplies, water, and other emergency type things. The need to prepare, the need to store up reserves, almost like a bear getting ready to hibernate is how some of us feel. Eat eat eat..store fat for the cold winter...sleep so we conserve energy so that food we ate and have will last us the winter....


Even here in blog land it is apparent. We are feeling the need for change. To de-clutter, to simplify, to organize. To get rid of the old to make way for the new, or to just give us some breathing room. I am no different. It has hit me hard. I am a NOTORIOUS pack rat. I mean bad. I have gutted half my house and tossed it, gave it away, or gave it to Goodwill over the last couple of months, and that is a HUGE deal for me. But it is a deep and driving need within me to get it gone. Not only the physical, but the mental and even the digital as well. I got rid of virtually everyone on my Myspace since I never use it, I have weeded friends lists brutally on my Facebook pages, and I have been getting rid of things that are duplicated. I just have no need or the patience for it anymore.


Something is coming...might be good, and it might be bad...but things will change either way.


So now, on the ever winding path that is my life, I have taken another turn around the wheel, another loop in the spiral, and have started around again in a slightly different place....I am all of those things, and yet I am none of those things.....I am simply...me.

10 comments:

Jupiter Greenmoone said...

So wonderfully written Bella, and exactly what I'm thinking. There is a ton of synchronicity going on... which is not something I'm used to. I'm a huge pack rat as well. Last week I spent just 20 minutes in my closet and had a full trash bag of clothes I have to get rid of. That's just the beginning. I feel the need to do some cleaning on my computer as well. Half of my belongings are in storage. It makes me so angry sometimes. Then I realized if I had half as much stuff, I wouldn't have that problem. I too find that I'm sort of pulling away from the god and goddess aspect and focusing more on nature. It's not that I don't believe it has a place in my life, I just don't feel it predominantly right now. And I feel nature. I'm so much closer to it now than I ever have been. I'm just trying to do my own thing. What else can we do? Stress out? No thanks. This comment is sort of all over the place. Oh and hey, I'm going to marry you. Seriously, 9 Crimes by Damien Rice is one of the best songs ever written, of all time. Period.

Rayden Darklighter said...

This post said a lot of what I've been thinking lately. It's good to know I'm not the only one that feels it.

Thanks for sharing with us!

Morgaine Pendragon said...

Love the new look Bella. Maybe because I'm partial to purples myself :D.

But I agree, something's coming. Good or bad, it's coming. I've been feeling the need to declutter too, I've just been avoiding it like the plague. I'm a pack rat through and through. But it must be done.

LJ said...

This is some of the same stuff that I've been grappling with lately, too. It had been going on for awhile before it finally all "clicked" with the help of the Vulture's Vex. I'm still trying to figure things out, though and have weeded through a lot of things, as well. I also feel the "something is coming".

Love the new blog look!

Magaly Guerrero said...

Awwww... you are not alone my dear Wicked Darling. I have gone through that many times, first with different religions and then within Paganism, until I found my home in Eclecticism.

I think that the fact that no religion is quite perfect makes the act of shoosing just one very difficult. I know that they say that Eclectic are just people who have no discipline and so on... but I believe that my kind is just a bunch who has so a HUGE spiritual heart that there is need for a lot of room to store our spiritual conviction.

So explore and will continue to discover yourself.

Mother's Moon's Message said...

I very much agree... I have noticed a very similiar energy with many. The same feelings yet a difficulty to actually explain it to the method that one feels adequate. One can only prepare how they feel led to. And in regards to your ever changing feelings towards what to call yourself.... As long as you are on the path of searching... As long as you seek to find what it is that you feel you need to find, it does not matter. A journey can take you through many areas and allow you to experience many things. Take from each what it is that you feel most important. Change means growth and growth is good.... even when its bad.....

Bridgett said...

I, too, have been feeling the urge to declutter! What is that all about?

Simplify, simplify, simplify...it's my mantra lately.

I still find myself very drawn to the God and Goddess aspect...but I've ALWAYS been drawn to nature and Mother Earth as well. I'm finding myself. I'm still so new to this path, I know it will take time to know who I really am.

Okay, I'm rambling.

Lotsa love!

)O(
boo

mrsb said...

Wow, I thought I was the only one with the decluttering bug lately!

I've gone through a few manifestations of my religious practices. I think that at some point one will really just set perfectly for you. It did me :O)

mrsb said...

Oh, and just to let you know, your networked blog widget isn't working. When I clicked on it to follow, it said if you've changed your blog name, you might need to change your widget!

Dessa Wolf said...

And "you" are all you ever have to be--or should be for that matter. But, ya, I have walked a very similar path and sometimes feel like I have no idea where the hell I am anymore.

As for the weird urges...mine is the stockpiling thing. Food and water and supplies. I kind of get freaked out if I start thinking about it too much, though.

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