Revelations: Part One

No...not the doom and gloom Revelations from the Bible. I have enough of that going on.

I mean personal revelations.

It has been a typical busy and crazy few days. This month has been a better one for me energy wise. I have several projects lined up, and for once, I have had the energy to work on them. I have been working on the dining table I have mentioned, repainted a kitchen wall, rearranged my bedroom ( which has improved our sleep quality so much it is amazing ) and a few other odds and ends.

 I was going to start painting Alex's room this week, but I have been having a flare up for the last couple of days. I still have energy, but my hands and arms are not being cooperative enough. I made a huge mess Monday...I had put the first coat of polyurethane on the table top, and was waiting for it to dry so I could lightly sand it before the next coat ( as the instructions say to do ) and I was making a pitcher of sweet tea. Right after I got the sugar stirred in I had a particularly violent muscle spasm in my arm, and I ended up knocking a gallon of sweet tea off into the floor. When the plastic pitcher hit the floor, the liquid in it EXPLODED everywhere. There was a tidal wave in the floor, and it splashed ALL over the walls, ( that we had just painted the night before ) the table that I had put the poly on not 20 minutes before, the ceiling, the stove, the cabinets, ME. I mean it was terrible. I was so frustrated as I cleaned sticky tea off of the floor and walls and everything...it made a huge mess of the table I was working on, as I could not wipe the spots out, and when I tried to wipe the walls down, the fresh paint which has not cured yet just wipes right off. So I had to repaint the walls, mop up that mess and wipe everything down. I was less than happy. The next day the rain came, and that is a huge trigger for me...so yesterday and today I am just hanging out and taking it easy, as I know until the rain goes away, I cannot rely on my body to do what it is supposed to.

When this happens ( the flare ups, meaning I have to take it easy ) I usually write, or spend time thinking about what to write. I have been having a blockage of sorts however. Not a writers block, as I actually have things I want to share, but a writers guilt blockage. I joined the Pagan Blog Project this year because I wanted to get back in touch with my sense of spirituality, and I thought that writing 4 posts a month on aspects of Paganism would help me do that. I think I managed all of two posts. At first things got a little hectic so I was going to just do a catch up post. I quickly found out that every time I had to come up with something to write about for it, I would stare at the blank web page and then suddenly want to go do anything other than write. I do not know how others may feel...but when I have something that I am supposed to be doing for my writing, and I am not doing it, I do not feel comfortable writing for myself in the blog, because I feel like everyone is watching my posts, waiting for the PBP post that I am supposed to be doing. Guilt sets in, and guilt gets in the way of my writing ANYTHING. My muse sits in the back of my mind and gives me disapproving looks.

So I started looking at it from all angles, as I tend to do. I realized that this was not the project for me, because I am not the kind of Pagan that does all the "pagany" stuff. I have no religion. I don't do the whole Goddess/God worship, I do not cast circles, or do huge rituals and all that stuff. I just do not feel the need to do all of that. I do believe in the sacred feminine, but males are just as sacred in different ways. Divinity is in all of us. WE are the Divine. I feel that all those gods and goddesses are manifestations of human qualities and traits. So if I call on Morrigan, I am not actually calling on a mystical entity..I am calling up the warrior spirit from within myself. I no longer have an altar...I gave my athame to my son. I still have a few "tools" and such, but it is because I enjoy them aesthetically, not because I need to use them to get into that head space to "work." So it was really hard for me to feel connected with the project, because sure, I could regurgitate Witchcraft 101 into 52 blog posts for the year...but it would not be very genuine, because I do not live that type of craft, and it would be something I dreaded doing every week. The project is awesome, and it deserves people who think it is fun and rewarding and will glean something good out of it. What it is does not need is someone who would feel almost like a fraud while writing for it. That is just not the kind of Pagan I am.

*Shrugs*

I still encourage everyone to go check out the Pagan Blog Project. I know a lot of amazing writers who DO practice those types of Paganism, and would have no problem writing about those types of things. One thing that has been awesome is reading all of the other people who have joined the project. I have read some really fantastic posts, even a few surprising ones. The best ones to me are the ones that take something seemingly unconnected to being a Pagan and spin it so that is DOES connect. I could probably do something  like that too, or maybe use the project to try to explain my version of the craft, but to be honest, I no longer feel the need to explain what I do to anyone. I have the same basic, and even advanced knowledge that most of us do, as many of us learn in the same way form the same sources..but what is different is how we each absorb that information and fashion it into the personal experience that being a Pagan is to us. I no longer feel the need to try to "fit in." I have my own set of practices and beliefs, and it works for me, it enriches my life and it makes me happy. At the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters?

I want to use my time studying and learning and growing...and writing about the things that resonate with me. As excited as I was to be a part of this, and as awesome as I still think the whole thing is..I realized that it is just not for me.

I wish the project and those who are participating in it great success! I look forward to reading all the great posts that they all come up with!

Stay tuned for Part Two coming soon!

Pagan Blog Project 2013 Week 1: A is for Anticipation

Anticipation is not exactly a Pagan word, but for me it is a good summary word of how I feel about the coming year for this project and many other things in my spiritual life. Things are changing so much, in all realms of my life. I find myself in a constant state of anticipation.

I admit I almost forgot today was the start of Pagan Blog Project and I also admit I was not prepared for today. Yesterday was an odd one for me, watching someone else's small child, and I still feel like I am recovering lol. I will be better prepared next week.

I am excited, as this is not something I have ever done before, and as it is not daily, but weekly, I feel it will be easier to manage for me.

This year will be one in which I try to deepen my sense of spirituality. I have learned about a new path recently, one that most of the world considers taboo and evil, but it is not, and while there are similarities, it is not exactly for me. Especially if the people in that path all mostly act like one of the two people I know who follow that path. I do not care what your belief system is, but if all you can do is ridicule others about their choices and beliefs, then I do not want you in my life.

There is no path that I know of that fully describes how I feel and what I believe in. I am still very much eclectic and I do not fit in a cute little box tied up with a pretty ribbon.

Last year, I let my sense of spirituality fall by the wayside, in a time I probably needed it most. Since that year is over, I feel a heightened sense of anticipation to open myself back up to it. I am not sure if I will write about my journey, as it is a deeply private one, but I might from time to time. I am not sure yet.

I am going to close, for this first post.

I am very much anticipating continuing to work on the Pagan Blog Project, and seeing what the rest of the year brings!

Memoirs of a Crazy Pantheist Witch?

I have been out of commission over the last few days due to my hand, and I have been using that time to do a lot of thinking.

I have been struggling to find a niche for what I am. I am a Witch, yes, but I was having a hard time finding a term to describe how I see God. I am not a religious person, and never really have been. I am not Wiccan. I am not Christian. Nor am I Hindu, or a Buddhist or anything else of that nature. I have posted before about seeing God or the Goddess as multifaceted manifestations of the self, but that is not really true either.

I called myself "Spiritual" but that is not accurate either. I have had so freaking many conversations with people of all kinds of religions and felt only a partial kinship with ANY of them. I was at a loss as to how to describe myself so even I could understand it, but I knew there has to be a word out there for it. I even tossed around the notion of using agnostic, but that is not right either.

I do not believe in "God" or "Goddess" in the typical way. I do not think there are a zillion different deities that govern a zillion different things, or one wrathful God that preaches about love while he killed millions of people for not blindly following him, and in whose name more death and war and horrible crimes have been committed. I do not have any resonance with the Wheel of the Year or a lot of other Wiccan or Pagan things. Nature, the Cosmos, the UNIVERSE is what resonates in me. Everything is connected. Everything is energy. I do not believe in a Creator God/ess. EVERYTHING is "God." I am Divine. That rock outside, that blade of grass, that speck of dirt, all those are Divine. Everything is perfectly awesome and connected just as it is. Everything is energy to me, which is why thought can manifest itself into tangible things. Jesus was no more Divine than my next door neighbor in potential,  Jesus was just more dedicated and enlightened than my next door neighbor. In my way of thinking anyway. Every night I pray, but I pray to the Universe. Miracles are just thought and will manifested. Massive amounts of energy directed to a central cause. Some people can wield that energy better than others.

I started searching for the term, finding a few that kind of meant what I felt, but not close enough for me to say "That's IT!"

Finally I found the word, which was right under my nose the whole time, but not one that I had enough knowledge about to make the connection.

The word was "Pantheism."

According to Wikipedia, "Pantheism"  :

 is the view that the Universe (Nature) and God (or divinity) are identical.^[1] Pantheists thus do not believe in a personal,anthropomorphic or creator god. The word derives from the Ancient Greek: πᾶν (pan) meaning "all" and θεός (theos) meaning "God". As such, Pantheism denotes the idea that "God" is best seen as a process of relating to the Universe.^[2] Although there are divergences within Pantheism, the central ideas found in almost all versions are the Cosmos as an all-encompassing unity and the sacredness of Nature.

That right there pretty much sums up how I feel and look at things in a nutshell folks.

Everything is connected. Everything is God.

All these bells and whistles, spells and rituals, churches and worship, mean virtually nothing to me. NOTHING. The Universe is my sanctuary. I fully understand that those bells and whistles are just as real and important to others, and do not denounce their belief in them. That is what is so great about it.To each is own...and because of the nature of the Universe, all those things can be as real as one perceives them. I was just looking to find where *I* fit in, because where I was at was not it. People have told me I must not believe in anything since I do not worship a God or even a Goddess. I always told them " It is not that I believe in nothing, it is that I believe in EVERYTHING!" I believe we are capable of anything we set our minds to because we are part of the Universe, we are part of that collective energy, and energy is the motivation behind every single thing that happens in the Universe. I have such faith, so much that it hurts sometimes, but had no way to describe it in a term people could understand.

I made a comment on a fellow blogger's post that said I was tired of explaining my faith to others, defending my faith to others. I was tired of trying to educate people into understanding what "religion" I am so they can wrap their minds around it. I just wanted to practice my brand of faith in peace. I am of NO religion. I just AM. I am part of the Universe, and the Universe is a part of me.

I normally do not even like using the word God in the religious sense because I am of no religion and it does not really apply to me in the sense that most people view the word God or Goddess. I am not going to Hell. I am not going to Heaven, or anywhere else. When my time is up, I am going to die and be cremated and scattered somewhere of my choosing, and I will STILL be part of the Universe. My personal energy might start all over again somewhere else, or it might not. I do not know, and I do not care. All I know is that everything is sacred to me. Whatever I choose to do with my life, or my body, or my mind, is possible because I am a part of something that makes it all possible. No one can make choices about my life but me. No God can tell me I can nor can not have children, or how many, or that I must cover my head when I go out in public, or that I can only wear dresses, or can't eat meat on Fridays, or anything else, unless that is what *I* choose to do. It allows me to live my life by my own creed. It allows me to learn from my mistakes, to grow and to change, and to keep my own council. I am harder on myself than anyone or any thing could ever be. I hold myself in check and walk that line because it is the right thing for ME to do. No one else is capable or allowed to make my life's decisions but me. Circumstances and my feelings on a subject will of course influence it, but no one is qualified to live my life for me.

This does not mean that I am not human and do not have likes and dislikes and emotions that dictate how I feel and what makes me ME.

I find it amusing that the "symbol" for Pantheism is the spiral, and I have long been fascinated and drawn to the spiral for years, as personal friends can attest.

I am still working it out in my mind, letting things fall into place, but I finally feel that I have found my "word" that best describes what I am in a way that others can understand it. I am still a Witch, but you can be anything and still be a Witch.

I know this is all a bit disjointed, and there will most likely be more posts about this, in a more cohesive manner, but for tonight, I am jubilant and relieved that I have found something that speaks to me, that explains to some degree of how I look at things. To know that I am not alone in my way of thinking. It makes so much more sense to me now as to why I was taking bits and pieces from different faiths and fashioning them into my own. I just thought I was eclectic, but because all those different faiths are parts of the whole, it made sense that different things appealed to me. The labels and sectioning off are things that humans did, and at one time, everything was One. To me, everything still IS One.

Everyone should follow the path that feels right to them. There is no particular path or brand of faith or type of religion that is any better or worse than the other. What matters is that it works for you, that is uplifts you and fills you in the way faith should. I do not have to like another persons path, but I have to respect it. That has been one of the hardest lessons to learn, and I am STILL learning...but now, now that I feel I know where I am in my own faith, I can be more tolerant and respective of others. It was hard for me to be happy for a person in their niche when I was searching for my own. Granted, there are still going to be times when I learn something and will say "WTF??" but as I said, I am only human, and my feelings are my own and valid, even if they differ from yours, just as yours are valid as well.

I hope this made some kind of sense to my readers, but even if it did not, it finally makes sense to me. My mind and spirit are quiet and at peace, after years of uncertainty and trying to find my way, to find my place.

I walk the spiral path, I always have, and I always will.

Who Am I? Who Are You? Who Are We?

This post has been a long time coming. I have been thinking about this for months. Over the course of the last few weeks, I have seen other bloggers, and people I know in "real life" go through a sort of spiritual identity crisis. I have gone through one myself many times over the last few years.

Being Pagan is a struggle at times, because even in Paganism, there is that need to define yourself, to adhere to a tradition, or a pantheon, a sect, solitary, coven based, eclectic, Native American, Celtic, Egyptian, Norse, Green Witch, Hedge Witch, Kitchen Witch, and a myriad of other choices. Do you consider yourself religious, or do you just practice the Craft? Is it an everyday thing, or is it only for special occasions and holidays? Do you perform complex rituals with tools and all the bells and whistles, or do you just go about your day, fitting in things as you can? Are you Dark, or are you Light? Do you Hex, or Do Ye Harm None? These are just a few of the choices and questions that we as Pagans have asked ourselves.

When I first started, I considered myself Wiccan, because...well....quite frankly I did not know any better lol. I did not realize that other than the major alternative religions like Druidism, Buddhism, and things like that, that all other Pagans were NOT Wiccan. In my defense, I was only 13 or 14, and did not know much about it all. Later I learned that Wicca itself was a religion, and to be quite honest, I am NOT religious, in basically every way. I learned that you can use the craft independently from being Wiccan, and that appealed to me much more.

Then came the Traditional Witches. The snooty witches who think if you cannot trace your bloodline back to someone who was in the Salem Witch Trials, then you were not a real witch. Well, I have no idea if I have any ancestors that were in the Trials, but I DO know that my ancestors were medicine women and men of my Native American heritage, and let me tell you, that makes me just as much of a Traditional Witch as anyone who has ties to the Trials.

Then came the question of what deities do you relate to, or follow? Well for me, sometimes I felt a strong kinship to a few, Morrigan and Brigid and Lugh specifically, but other times I did not. Sometimes I felt a kinship with ALL of then, and sometimes NONE of them. Sometimes I feel they are separate entities,  and sometimes I feel as though they are simply different aspects of the self. Sometimes I feel as if they are all part of the whole, the many faces of a Godhead figure. Sometimes I feel they are just something Man gave name and face to, in order to relieve themselves of responsibility for their human qualities and then the more unsavory qualities. To disassociate their failings from themselves. it is far easier to say " The devil made me do it" than to admit your a twisted individual who revels in such things. Or maybe your not twisted at all, you are just drawn to the shadows of life, rather than bathe in the blinding light....

Ritual. How many books have we read full of rituals so complex your brain gets lost halfway through reading it, much less trying to practice it? Again, there are those people who say you MUST do this ritual for this situation, with these particular tools, with this particular incense, with this particular visualization. Then there are those who say " Nah, just use what you have, substitutions are much better than nothing at all.." I have issues with people telling me how to live my everyday life, I will be damned if someone is going to tell me how to live my spiritual life.

I am not a fixed and inanimate object. I move, I breathe, I change, I LIVE. If I am always changing, why would I want my spirituality to remain fixed and unmovable? Why do I have to trap myself within a rigid and structured way of life that goes against who I am as a person, just to make the "Elders" happy, and to make people accept me as a real Witch? What makes you better than me, to decide how I should live my spiritual life? That is something that should be so deeply personal, so individual. No one can tell me that whatever it is that I am doing is not good enough, that I am wrong, unless I am initiated by Lady Pixie Farting Fairy Dust of the Lady of the Moon Pretentious Witches Coven.

In my weaker moments, I have thought others path was a bit ridiculous, to the point of getting frustrated at what I perceived to be illogical crap. It still takes effort even for me to realize that other people's paths are not wrong, they are just different, even if it makes no sense to me. It is far easier to not care what others think of my path. I have my weaknesses, I am human, like it or not.

So in the face of all these choices, all the questions, just who AM I as a spiritual person?

I am a Spiritual being, made from star stuff, dancing my way down my path while here on Earth. I do not do rituals. I do spells sometimes. I love Nature, and feel a deep kinship with Mother Nature. I am a healer. I am a destroyer. I cross the Hedge and walk the line. I see dead people and hear things no one else hears. I am so intuitive it can be a fault at times. I get frustrated when people blow me off when I try to tell them something, and when it happens, they come back saying they will never doubt me again, only to have them do just that the next time it happens. I do very little for my own gain. I have tools, but I seldom use them. The are in cabinets and on my altar. They are pretty to look at, but are simply symbolic to me. My greatest tool is my mind, and it is far sharper than any diamond honed blade. I can visualize very well, but it is not how I prefer to do such things. I taste, I smell, I feel, as well as see, as well as imagine. I read the tarot. I have problems doing readings for people I do not respect fully, who do not listen to what things are trying to tell them.

I see the magic in everything, I LIVE inside that magic, I do not have to consciously practice magic to be magical. I do not have to read 400 pagan books a year and do 5 rituals a week and 20 spells a month to be magical. I do not have to "do something spiritual" every day to BE spiritual. The fact I even exist is magical, and spiritual. The fact that I am alive after all that has happened in my life is proof of miracles. I am kind and loving, and I am wrathful and vengeful. I have an altar, but it is a part of my house, my house is magical, my yard is magical, my world is magical. My life has been hard at times, easy at times, and almost lethal at times. I have loved every second of it. I am a Mother, a Daughter, a Sister, a Friend, a Lover, a Witch.

I am a creation of the Universe.


Who are you?

This is going to be my year for luuuuuv...

*Crawls out of my cave and looks around, blinking in the bright light*

Howdy guys and gals. I hope you all had a great New Years, and I hope the coming year brings you all that you desire!

New Years Eve Day was weird for me...I bounced back and forth from feeling okay, to really lonely and depressed, all thanks to a Twitter tag lol. The tag was about 10 years ago today or something like that, and it was asking you what were you doing on New Years Eve 1999. After realizing that was a really long time ago, I started thinking about it.

Ten years ago on that day, I was sitting in my house, surrounded by friends, laughing at all the Y2K paranoid people. I was still with my son's father at that time, and my son was a little over a year old. We played games and had a little to drink, laughed and joked and had a really great time.

Then I got to thinking about this New Year' Eve...with no friends around, sitting at home alone because I knew Jack would be in bed, after all he had been up since 4 am as he had to work that day. So I got myself in a good pout session and flopped on the couch to wallow in my self imposed misery. I did this for about 3 hours, Jack even made cinnamon rolls to try and cheer me up, but I just chewed in stony silence, watching TV. Eventually he went to bed about 10:30, he just could not stay up anymore, he was nodding off sitting on the couch.

I trudged back over to my computer and heaved myself into the chair with lots of dramatic sighing. For who I have no idea, since there was no one to hear me lol. My best friend had been trying to get my attention online for a good 45 minutes but the screen saver had kicked in and I did not see it until I sat down. We watched the Dick Clark Rockin New Year's Eve program, laughing and having a great time, and I felt way better thanks to her. I was sad when they showed old Dick however...bless his heart. Such a trooper that one is! I have decided however, that Ryan Seacrest will in fact take over the world one day...you just wait, and when it finally happens remember you heard it here first lol...

I got up several times, especially when Robin Thicke was singing ( I am sorry but if he would take the vice grips off his balls, he might be able to actually sing...that falsetto is AWFUL! ) to go outside and look at the moon. I had been afraid the rain and clouds that were here all day would make it to where I could not see her, but the clouds raced away, and it was a beautiful clear sky.

Not long after my best friend went to conduct her ritual for the evening, and I was talking to another friend. That ended up in a conversation I did not want to have, and I went to bed about 3:30 am...

The next day my best friend, who had done a New Years reading for me, shared what she learned with me, and it was centered around love...love with Jack, love with my kids, and self love. I got chills and started crying because of the thoughts I have been having while in my cave the last month or so. I have things I want to accomplish in my home life this year...with my family....and the things she told me perfectly reflected that, and I had not mentioned my thoughts to her previously, or to anyone else for that matter. It is something I have been chewing on for quite some time. My home life is good, but with just a little more effort from me, a little backing down of my supreme stubbornness, and a whole new level of happiness could be mine. I know this, I just have a hard time taking those first steps at times...because I have been burned in the past, and also from Jack himself, so every time I start to open up, I become afraid and shut back down, only giving enough to make sure it does not all fall apart. That is not acceptable anymore. I can not live my life with one foot out the door anymore, because if I do not commit every bit of myself to my relationship, and only go about it half-assed, then there is no point in being in the relationship in the first place. If you can't give your all, then you don't need to be there.

The other part of her message also made me cry..and it was the message about self love. No not THAT kind of self love, lol. The kind of love that means you take care of yourself, in order to be healthy and balanced mentally and emotionally. As so many mothers and women do, I come last. I put myself last. I have been taking care of someone else my whole life, from the time I was old enough to basically run my parents household with the cooking and cleaning, and my Dad was the type where I had to bring EVERYTHING to him. He was not lazy, he worked 18 hours a day, and was always doing something at home, but I was constantly having to fix him food,, bring his drinks, take off his boots for him after work ( when I was younger, once I got about 12 I refused ) go and fetch him whatever he thought he needed at the time, even if it was something near him. Drove me nuts. But because of that, it set a pattern in my life. I waited on whomever I was with hand and foot, and they took advantage of it and I got hurt, a lot. I always put myself last. I still do, although not anywhere near the degree I did when I first left home. I am strong and I power through, but my mental balance is seriously affected at times, especially when it comes to Alex. She is a wonderful child but a very draining one, and I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So when months and months go buy and I do not get a brief respite, then I get really cranky and short tempered. Saturdays used to be my day to sleep in and be alone while Jack and Alex went food shopping, but since hunting season is in, that has stopped and I do not see Jack much on the weekends.

So the other part of my message was to take care of myself, to put myself first and make sure I was whole, that way I was better able to live my life with love and happiness. That will probably be the hardest part of all this. I accept myself for what I am, and what I am not, and I am okay with that. I do not care what other people think about me, they can either take me or leave me, I do not really care either way...but when forced to look REALLY deep inside myself, and learn to love myself fully and unconditionally, well, that is a whole different story, and I admit, will take some work. The easy thing for me is to just say " Oh I will do this for me later, or take some time to go do that for myself later..." knowing full well later never comes. Jack is supportive, he tells me all the time to do what makes me happy, go for a walk, or do whatever, but my own sense of guilt kicks in and I end up saying something like " Oh I will later, it's okay."

All in all, it was a very symbolic reading, and it really hit home for me. I am so glad and thankful that she did this for me, as it really gave me affirmation that the direction I was going was indeed the right one to be on.

I am having to make a conscious effort to write. I do not normally like to force writing, because then things do not sound the way I intend them, or my writer's block takes on an added level of intensity, but this time it is about breaking old habits and patterns and revamping myself this year. I will not make "resolutions" because I will not keep them, but l am starting a life altering leg of my journey, hopefully one that will dictate the rest of my life and how I live it.

So this cave dwelling is over for now, and I am slowly coming back out from darkness to be in the light...

Balance.

Up and down that lonely road of faith...again.

Well I have changed my dress once more, and my blog button as well. The dress is not finished, but I kept going back to this one and decided I would use it for awhile...the different shades of purple kept drawing me in....


Moving on, I wonder if I am the only Witch who goes through so many spiritual identity crisis'? The fact that I am a Pagan never changes..just the particular branch I feel drawn to at the time does. At first it was Wicca when I started out, and boy THAT changed in a hurry. Then I went to being a Green Witch...and then a Kitchen Witch, and then an Eclectic Witch, and then on to Native American Spirituality, and  now I am on the move again. I am all of those things and none of those things, all at the same time.


I figured out a long time ago that I really did not adhere to any "religion", and it is one of the several reasons I went from being Wiccan to "Just a Witch". I used to worry about what God or Goddess I needed to call to for this or that, and stress over if I called the right one for the right reason, and was I talking to them the right way, was I formal enough, was I TOO formal...would my spell or prayer not come true because I did not put enough energy into it, blah blah blah. Then I stopped being such a ninny and realized that I was trying to hard, and that the different gods and goddesses to me were simply the personification of human personality aspects. That is where I stayed for many many years. My next branch on the path was towards the Native American Spirituality of my ancestors...and I threw myself into that...only to realize that I already encompassed half of that into my daily life as it was...so I stayed in that limbo for a while.


Now we come to the present day. Now I find myself drawing even farther away from the god and goddess aspect, and more towards nature as a whole. However I still hold Gaia close to me...and maybe that is because she represents Mother Nature as a whole herself.


Maybe it is because I am older and wiser, and have sifted a lot of the wheat from the chaff, and realize I do not have to run around and try to be the perfect Witch for every type of Witch there is. I go through these stages where I do not even want to hear about anything to do with the craft. Or anything else for that matter, and my tarot gets left behind, and all the things I normally like to read and do spiritually get pushed aside and I feel very apathetic about it all. Now that I have relaxed, and realized that all I have to be is me, and what I need and want to be will flow nice and easy, instead of me paddling frantically against the current, because I do not realize that downstream is the way I should be going in the first place...


Now I find myself working with my Tarot cards...and reading and studying again, because I am no longer fighting the current, which was really just fighting myself all along. We tend to over analyze things, take things so very literal, and strive so hard to do everything correctly..that we lose a lot of the lesson, lose a lot of the information, simply because we are not listening...


There are big changes happening in the Universe right now. A lot of us are feeling the same ways, and not knowing why. Eating more, when normally we are not the type to stuff our faces, but now we are ravenous every couple of hours. Sleeping more, being exhausted, no amount of sleep seems to be enough, brain fog, loss of clarity. Some of us even feel the need to start stockpiling supplies, such as long shelf life food, medical supplies, water, and other emergency type things. The need to prepare, the need to store up reserves, almost like a bear getting ready to hibernate is how some of us feel. Eat eat eat..store fat for the cold winter...sleep so we conserve energy so that food we ate and have will last us the winter....


Even here in blog land it is apparent. We are feeling the need for change. To de-clutter, to simplify, to organize. To get rid of the old to make way for the new, or to just give us some breathing room. I am no different. It has hit me hard. I am a NOTORIOUS pack rat. I mean bad. I have gutted half my house and tossed it, gave it away, or gave it to Goodwill over the last couple of months, and that is a HUGE deal for me. But it is a deep and driving need within me to get it gone. Not only the physical, but the mental and even the digital as well. I got rid of virtually everyone on my Myspace since I never use it, I have weeded friends lists brutally on my Facebook pages, and I have been getting rid of things that are duplicated. I just have no need or the patience for it anymore.


Something is coming...might be good, and it might be bad...but things will change either way.


So now, on the ever winding path that is my life, I have taken another turn around the wheel, another loop in the spiral, and have started around again in a slightly different place....I am all of those things, and yet I am none of those things.....I am simply...me.

Samhain Tidbit...

I have only skimmed most of the Samhain themed posts here unless they had personal stories attached to them...so feel free to skim this one as it has nothing to do with me...that one will come later..... I actually was not going to post about the typical "What is Samhain and Why is it Important to Us" deal...but I saw this and wanted to share....if anyone else has posted this I am sorry..

From:  http://www.witchway.net/hallows/lore.HTML

Samhain is popularly known today as Halloween, a contraction of the words "Hallowed Evening", and it retains much of the original form and meaning it had long ago in Celtic lands, despite the efforts of the Church to turn it into an observance of feasting and prayer for their vast pantheon of saints.  The Church began calling it Michaelmas, the Feast day of St. Michael, but the old Samhain holiday proved to be too potent a drawing card for one lone saint to combat.  So it was renamed The Eve of All Saints, or All Hallows Eve, which precedes All Saint's Day, and is still one of the holiest days in Catholicism.

 The pagan Samhain is not, and never was, associated with evil or negativity.  It has always been a time to reaffirm our belief in the Oneness of all spirits, and in our firm resolution that physical death is not the final act of existence.  Though death is very much a part of Samhain's symbolism, this Sabbat also celebrates the triumph of life over death.

  While it is true that Samhain is no more evil than any other holiday, it is also a fact that evil does exist, and pagans have always been aware of this.  Our ancestors sought to protect themselves on this night by carving faces in vegetables to place near windows or at the perimeters of their circle.  These were the forerunners of our present day jack-o-lanterns.  These carved pumpkin faces are probably relics of the even earlier custom of placing candles in windows to guide the Earth-walking spirits along their way.  Today it is still a custom in Ireland to place candles in the windows on Samhain night and to leave plates of food for the visiting spirits.

There are two possible sources for the origin of the Samhain Sabbat's name.  One is from the Aryan God of Death, Samana, and the other is from the Irish Gaelic word "samhraidhreadh" , which literally means "the Summer's' end".  Samhain marked the end of summer and the beginning of Winter for the Celts, with the day after Samhain being the official date of the Celtic New Year.  The reason the Celts chose this point in time as their new year rather than Yule, when the rest of Western pagans celebrate it, was because the sun is at its lowest point on the horizon as measured by the ancient standing stones of Britain and Ireland.

  This is also a time for harmless pranks, lavish feasting, circle games, and merrymaking which can be teasingly blamed on nearby spirits ;)  ( Ala Loki, Abbot, Lord of Misrule etc.)

  Samhain bonfires, called balefires in paganism, were once lighted on every hilltop in Britain and Ireland as soon as the sun set on October 30. The word "balefire" comes from the word "boon", which means "extra".  The fires serve the purpose of containing the energy of the dead god, lighting the dark night, warding off evil, ushering in the light of the New Year, purifying the ritual space or home, and being the focus of ritual. In many parts of the British Isles these balefires are still lighted on Samhain to honor the old ways.

The idea that evil spirits walk the earth at Samhain is a misinterpretation of the pagan belief  that the veil of consciousness which separates the land of the living from the land of the dead is at its thinnest on this night.  This does not mean that hordes of evil entities cross this chasm. Some pagans believe this veil is made thin by the God's passing through it into the Land of the Dead, and that he will, for the sake of his people, attempt to hold back any spirits crossing into the physical plane whose intent it is to make trouble. In nearly all the Western pagan traditions, deceased ancestors and other friendly spirits are invited to join the Sabbat festivities, and be reunited with loved ones who are otherwise separated by time and dimensions of existence.

  Some modern scholars claim that Samhain's traditional 'Trick or Treat custom was derived from a ploy to scare away fairies and other mischievous spirits, but it has overtones of being a custom of a much later period, perhaps one which grew up around the Burning Times. During the Burning Times, masking and dark clothing hid the identities of witches going to their covens so that they might escape detection.

The mask also had the added benefit of frightening away any inquisitor who might happen upon a lone figure in the woods.

Am I a Bad Witch?

The month of October, the highlight of most Witch's Year, is well underway. The Halloween decorations have been in the stores since late August, houses are decorated already, the internet sites I frequent and the games I play are all decked out in their spooky finery. Everyone is in a state of anticipation and creamy goodness.

Except me.

Am I a bad Witch for wishing October were just done and over already? The contests and 31 days of....( and no I am not calling anyone out in blog land, because all that stuff is awesome fun lol ) is all over the internet..and it is all great fun, I have entered a jillion of them myself, but this is not what Samhain is about!

Maybe it is because so many Witches live in places they can only truly express themselves and come out of the Broom Closet for a single month out of the year. I get that. Maybe I have a hard time because even living in a place where the God Fearing and Gun Toting  people abound, ( And yes I am a gun toter too lol ) I have not been in the Broom Closet since I was like 15, I have a harder time relating.

Maybe it is because historically, the month of October sucks for me, with the exception of my babygirl's birth, even though she was born at 28 weeks, she survived and never suffered any health problems or delayed development over it.

I feel the same way about Yule/Xmas. Everyone is so worried about the commercial aspect of it, no one talks about or pays much attention to the real "reason for the season", no matter what religion they are.

Or maybe it is because the decor in my house is "Halloweeny" year round, so it desensitizes me to a degree.

Maybe it is because I have had 4 hours of sleep and I am grumpy and feel like "listening" to myself bitch, who knows lol.  I take that back, I am not grumpy, just tired...and when I am tired I tend to be more open with things that bother me.

In blog land, of the umpteen dozen blogs I follow ( and love, or I would not follow you lol ) very few have posted anything about Samhain, what it is, what it means to them, things they do for Samhain, things like that. Most of it is "Click here and here, and here..oh and here and here, to maybe win a shrunken head on a stick" (Please Goddess don't let any of the blogs I read actually be giving away a shrunken head on a stick or I am dead meat, oh please oh please) Of which I have done more than once this month *winks*

I guess I just expected Pagan blogs to be more...Pagan. Now don't get me wrong. I do not mean one of those stiff and formal types who have a 48 page ritual to honor the Dead. Those bore the shit out of me. I am eclectic and informal for a reason. It is who I am.

I don't know, maybe I am just rambling again. I do that a lot lol. I guess I just expected more from the Pagan Community at large this time of year. One of our local Pagan Pride festivals is this time of year, and I remember when it used to be about Pagans, and what we are, and what we do, and what it means to us. Now, it is about selling T-Shirts and buttons and posters that say " I survived the  Pagan Pride Festival of 2009", complete with little hordes of people with torches and pitchforks. No, I am not kidding. I know a few of the vendors this year, and have seen the template with my own two eyes. Funny? Yes. The point of a Pride festival? No lol. Not to me anyway.

I just feel like a bad witch at times because I do not buy in to all the other stuff everyone else seems to go apeshit for this time of year. I guess it has to do with my underlying issues with commercialism.

Well hopefully ya'll are not saying " Oh no that bitch did NOT just make a reference to me!" because I was not doing that. This is something I have had issues with for years, and I have only been a blogger for a few months lol. Like..3 of them..it is something I have wanted to give a voice to for a long long time.

Maybe there are others like me, who feel the way I do, or maybe it is just me and everyone will come down on my head for this. I don't know. Either way is okay, because regardless of what anyone says, I will have their answers and will know if I am alone in my thoughts or if others maybe wish it were a little more that what it has been as well...

Thanks for reading my ramblings lol..

Music of the Moment: Little Earth Quakes by Tori Amos*

The Dark Of The Moon

The Dark Of The Moon -- A Natural Time Of Magic And Creation

The Dark of the Moon is considered an especially mysterious, fruitful, and
flexible time of "molding" the creative experiences that will come forth in the
weeks immediately ahead. It is said that wishes made as the last sliver of the
Moon's light fades on the left, and affirmed through the Dark of the Moon period
until the first sliver of new light appears again on the right, have special
support -- special empowerment -- to come true. Affirming them again at the
moment of the New Moon itself gives extra push to their nourishment and
initiative.

The Dark of the Moon is time of legendary power for creation. The Dark of the
Moon is always best used to rest, recuperate, become quiet, invite calm and
serenity into your world, and spend some time in personal reflection looking
back over your life and personal history -- as far as you want to go into the
past -- and playing with new intentions, new desires, new directions. It's a
time to stay "at home" -- both physically and psychologically -- and tend to
your private world and its circumstances.

Create the conditions that will replenish your spirit ... and indulge them
fully, whether this means meditation, reading, contemplation, cleaning, clearing
away emotional and psychological debris that hinders you, listening to music,
writing in your personal journal, talking quietly with intimate, trusted
associates, listening to the whispered words of your deepest intuitions, working
on personal healing therapies and rituals ... or some combination of all these
things.

Play with ideas and think of things you might like to create over the next
several weeks, realizing this is a time to brainstorm, daydream, and fantasize,
not a time to take action. All things begin in mind. Everything in the world
originated in the nebulous intellectual energy of an idea, a dream, a desire. To
work with the especially potent energy available during the Dark of the Moon,
plan for some serious personal down-time every month starting about 2 1/2 days
before each New Moon ... and lasting for 1 - 1 1/2 days after ... and focus your
inner work, thoughts, and attention on the matters I just described.

This automatic "natural" 4 day vacation can help bring fabulous results --
emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually and even financially to
your life. It's easy to find information about the New Moon every month ... by
searching online, certainly, but many calendars (and certainly all astrological
calendars!!) have this information clearly marked in the appropriate day / date
box. The Dark of the Moon days that surround the New Moon's arrival each month
are the time to set new intentions and plans into motion in your life ... in the
realm of thought where all creation happens.

You can learn lots more about working with Moon energy on our website ... and
get plenty of Moon energy information and tactics delivered right to your inbox
by joining our Premium Members website. However you choose to do it, learning to
work in flow with the natural progression of energy marked by the phases of the
Moon could be one of the most productive things you do for your life and your
success ... ever!! And one of the easiest to use, too!
----
(c) 2007 Rebecca Brents, All rights reserved.


Will any of you be doing anything for the New Moon?

Memoirs of a Crazy Witch

Last year I submitted some things I wrote to a site called Authspot.com and was published on the web. I wanted to share a few of them here..since they are my writing and I have been thinking about them the last few days. Hope you enjoy!

*FYI: I am a few months PAST my 30th now lol*

The Beginning

"A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step" some one once said to me. Never in a million years did I think I would ever travel on the roads that have brought me to this point.

I became a Witch when I was 13 years old. Religion never played a part in my life until I was about 5 years old, and my tyrant of a father went through a "What does it all mean?" phase. I was then drug to every type of church there was in my county in Northern Florida. He eventually decided that he wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness for a while. I am not sure why, as he did not follow half of the things they "required" you to, like not smoking for one. He and my mother both were chain smokers.

We attended services there for the next 6 years, 3 times a week. I never embraced the religion. First of all I was a child, and had little concept of a God, and second of all, what I was learning did not feel right to me somehow.

I finally regained my freedom when I turned 13. My Dad decided none of the churches we attended were correct in their teaching, and that I was free to make my own choices in that aspect. I felt as though a 2 ton weight had been lifted off of my shoulders!

About a month after that, my Mom and I were shopping in Barnes and Nobles (which was a rare thing. I lived way out in the woods, and we did not get to go to the mall very often) and I ended up in the New Age section. I shuffled along the isle, scanning the titles on the book spines, when suddenly my eyes landed on a book and I stopped in my tracks. I picked it up, and it seemed warm to my hands. It was the book Green Witchcraft by Ann Moura. My life has never been the same since.

I took the book home and locked myself in my room. I sat there for a while, just staring at the picture on the glossy black and green cover. There was a picture of trees deep in a forest somewhere, with moss hanging down, and it brought to mind a path winding through a dark forest. I devoured the first half of the book in about an hour. Before I read that book, I had only a passing knowledge of things like magic and spirits and things of that nature. Most of what I knew was from movies and fantasy books. Imagine my surprise to find out that a lot of it was real! Well, sort of.

I quickly learned it was not as it was in my favorite books and movies. I had heard the word "Metaphysical" before but at the time I had no idea what it meant. As I read, I learned about energy in a totally different way than what I was taught in school. The concept of raising energy and sending it away from me with a specific intent blew my mind. When I thought of Witches and magic in the past, I thought of The Wicked Witch of the West, Hansel and Gretel, Halloween, my great grandmother, and all kinds of commercial type deals.

I stayed up until long after midnight reading the book from cover to cover, then starting back at page one when I was finished. I had to hide the book from my parents, since I was not sure if they would freak out about it, so I played it safe. Not long after that I ended up buying a book called Wicca A to Z: A Complete Guide to the Magical World by Gerina Dunwich. This was also a very interesting book, kind of like a dictionary of the magical realm. I have acquired many more books on Witchcraft and Paganism in general, but I still have those two after all these years.

After that I ended up straying from my "path" because of some stupid life choices. I ran away from home at 15 to get away from my father, got into a car wreck a week later that almost took my life, got married at 16, pregnant with my first child at 17, divorced at 18, pregnant with my second child at 19, and then I finally woke up when I was 24 and got my life straight. I ended up meeting a Pagan man, and we got married and had a beautiful daughter. With him I was finally able to be my true self, and have grown in leaps and bounds, intellectually and spiritually. I am now a few months shy of my 30th birthday, and as I look back on who I was back then, and who I am now, I shake my head and think to myself, "If only I had listened to the Goddess when she called to me so long ago, maybe things would have turned out a lot different…"