Wednesday, November 25, 2009

When words fail me...

Sometimes my words fail me. I do not know what to say, or it is best if I do NOT say anything, because being as blunt as I am...what is on the tip of my tongue to say is NOT always a nice thing, especially if someone is feeling bad.

I am the first to admit I am not the best person to go to for comfort. I can only say so much without repeating myself, and after you say something a few times in the span of a conversation, it turns into something hollow and insincere. Being the type I am, I tend to just suck it up and go on...but not everyone is wired the same way I am, and need more. This is where I am running into problems.

Over the last year, 3 friends of mine have gone through life changing events...and yet all three just find themselves in the same situation over and over and over again...because while the partner, the job, or the geography might have changed, the person did not, and they are blind to that fact. Excuses ( or reasons as they call them, of course ) come one after the other, or it is always the other persons fault, or the system is out to get them, or the whole friggen UNIVERSE is stacked against them.

The answer is obvious to everyone around them, but as they are inside the situation, they do not see it. I have been on both ends of that spectrum so I understand sometimes you can not see the forest for the trees. But what do you do as a friend, ( two of those three friends I am very close too, the third is someone I USED to be close to, but am not anymore ) when if you tell them the truth about what you think, it is only going to hurt them, and they will not see it anyway. They are always going to go right on thinking they problem is something else, something outside of I just keep my trap shut. However, sometimes this is not the right thing to do either it seems, because my lack of "support" is a bad thing as well. Even if the person does not tell me " I need comfort" I can see it...but how do I give comfort when half the time I want to smack them, let them see themselves from outsiders point of view and say " Would you LOOK and see that YOU need to change what is going on, change your ways and mindset, not THEM all the time???"

If I say what I really feel, chances are I am going to cause a huge fight, and possibly lose a friend because I am not understanding enough. Funny part is I understand perfectly...I understand that when you keep getting yourself into the same bad situations over and over and over again, then you need to stop and take a long hard look at yourself, at the choices ( or LACK of choices ) you are making, and figure out why you are in the same boat all over again. Just because it makes you feel better to think it is always other peoples fault, that does not make it true. My problem is, I am ALWAYS going to point out the truth, even if you do not like it, and in order not to cause more pain, I just refuse to comment about it other than the typical " I am sorry, I understand, that sucks etc" because they do not want to know what I really think.

What do I do when saying what I think is bad, but not saying anything is almost equally as bad? How do I tell people that I love them, but I think they need to get off their ass and live in the real world instead of waiting for someone to save them, to hold their hand and lead them through life? If you can not rely on yourself, then how in the hell can anyone else rely on you? How can you say you are such a great catch, or the hardest working person, or the smartest person, or the most loving, when you are such a freaking emotional and mental train wreck that you need to totally reprogram yourself almost before you can function in todays world? Just because you do not come from here, does not mean you are not here now, and your bullshit agendas for humanity do not amount to a thing when you can not even take care of yourself. Yeah, all three claim to have a higher purpose, they are meant to heal the world. That may be true, but how can you heal and help others when you can not even take care of yourself. It just does not work that way. You have to be stable and secure before you can start throwing yourself out there for others...

What do you do when no matter which course of action you choose, you end up being the bad guy?


Hibiscus Moon said...

Try to let time do its healing.

Lyon said...

Perhaps just be the bad guy you can most live with.

How would you want someone to let you know the things you feel these people need to be let known?

Ryan Sutton said...

How do I tell people that I love them, but I think they need to get off their ass and live in the real world instead of waiting for someone to save them, to hold their hand and lead them through life?

Just like that. Sometimes the hard and bitter truths are the only ones left. Sometimes people who can't see that for themselves are only going to WITH that hard slap, that harsh reality shoved in their face. Of course, more often than not, they won't still anyways, but by then you've done all you can and can tell them they're on their own. Part of them needing to do it themselves instead of waiting for someone to save them, is to stop trying to do it for them. Once you give your advice, they're on their own. You did that pretty well with me when I came to you, and I appreciated your honesty and truth you gave me as you saw it, even though it scared the living bejesus out of me.

You told me a story once of a place you were in, where you were the "victim", locked in a battle of indecision. I know what worked for you was somebody pointing it out and telling you to come down off your cross, and then they walked away. Sometimes, that's all you can do. And hope the person figures it out for themselves. Sometimes, you'll get lucky. And sometimes ... *sighs* ... you won't. But either way, you did what you could, until you could do no more.

Unknown said...

I don't have a lot of friends because I am the same way. But I've found I'd rather have a few really great friends who can hear the truth from me, at most get upset with me for a while, but we continue to be really great friends. I had to weed everyone else out of my life. I still see them occasionally, wish them luck with their lives and everything else, I just can't spend too much time with them. I'm too blunt for all that :)

Anonymous said...

I would have to say that the truth is always the best option. But I guess it all depends on whether they asked for the advice, sometimes all people want is to have someone listen and I know how hard that can be because I have 1 friend that is constantly on the down side because of her choices, yes I get so tired of listening sometimes. I have told my friend the truth on how I feel on more than one occasion and you are right it does no good, so now I basically just listen and nod my head. It does get old though.

I guess that all I can say is "give them your advice once or twice and if they still dont get it then you tried"

some people simply live for drama.


Bridgett said...

Well, I had this beautiful response all mapped out in my brain...and then I read what Ryan had written and he literally took the words right out of my mouth.

So...I agree with Ryan! :D