I know I missed yesterday's Thankful Thursday, but to be honest, I had a hard time feeling thankful about anything. I mean I love my friends and family and am glad we have a roof over our heads, food, etc etc but I was just generally disgusted and could not drum up the energy to post about it.
Are you tired of hearing me bitch yet? I know I am. I was looking over the last couple of months worth of blog entries and good grief, I depressed myself even further. It seems I have been blah for a while now, and I am just sick of it. Sick of feeling like shit physically and mentally. I woke up with a migraine and at 7 this morning, one eye closed, I plastered the window in the back door that shines into my room with foil to block the light and went back to bed until noon. No energy, headaches, tired, 20 day and counting moon time. I.Feel. Like. Ass.
Fuck this shit. I decided this morning that I was going to fake it. Fake feeling good and happy and well until my poor mind treats it as a fact and I really WILL feel better and happy. I told Jack I wanted liver for dinner, which I love, but when you bleed for most of a month, even if I did not like it I would eat it, just to get the iron from it. I have been trying to eat iron rich veggies and stuff but it is not enough. I have been anemic for years now and these freak moon times just take everything I have. So I put in a call for liver and hopefully it will help.
I want to feel good again. Light, laughing, bubbly ( okay as bubbly as my mental ass can get ) and stop feeling like committing Hari Kari. I have no idea how to spell that, but you get the point. I do not feel like looking it up.
The one thing that brings me comfort is that I seem to not be alone in feeling like ass. Most of my friends are going through blah times right now, and blogs I read and stuff on the interwebz all point to a general feeling of ick.
I know here at home both Jack and Alex tend to act like I am not here, since if they speak to me or look at me or breathe in my general direction I lose my shit and go off. I hate it. Hate feeling this way so I am going to do my best to NOT feel and be this way. I know it is best to feel what you feel when you feel it and process, but shit man, have processed everything I know I need to and I still feel like crap.
So I am done. I am not giving it any more power to hold over me and keep me a hostage any longer. It might come to me acting like a rabid monkey but something has to give.
So I am going to smile and laugh and fake it till I make it. Okay? Okay.
Have a good weekend folks.