Friday, June 24, 2011

Faking it...

I know I missed yesterday's Thankful Thursday, but to be honest, I had a hard time feeling thankful about anything. I mean I love my friends and family and am glad we have a roof over our heads, food, etc etc but I was just generally disgusted and could not drum up the energy to post about it.

Are you tired of hearing me bitch yet? I know I am. I was looking over the last couple of months worth of blog entries and good grief, I depressed myself even further. It seems I have been blah for a while now, and I am just sick of it. Sick of feeling like shit physically and mentally. I woke up with a migraine and at 7 this morning, one eye closed, I plastered the window in the back door that shines into my room with foil to block the light and went back to bed until noon. No energy, headaches, tired, 20 day and counting moon time. I.Feel. Like. Ass.

Fuck this shit. I decided this morning that I was going to fake it. Fake feeling good and happy and well until my poor mind treats it as a fact and I really WILL feel better and happy. I told Jack I wanted liver for dinner, which I love, but when you bleed for most of a month, even if I did not like it I would eat it, just to get the iron from it. I have been trying to eat iron rich veggies and stuff but it is not enough. I have been anemic for years now and these freak moon times just take everything I have. So I put in a call for liver and hopefully it will help.

I want to feel good again. Light, laughing, bubbly ( okay as bubbly as my mental ass can get ) and stop feeling like committing Hari Kari. I have no idea how to spell that, but you get the point. I do not feel like looking it up.

The one thing that brings me comfort is that I seem to not be alone in feeling like ass. Most of my friends are going through blah times right now, and blogs I read and stuff on the interwebz all point to a general feeling of ick.

I know here at home both Jack and Alex tend to act like I am not here, since if they speak to me or look at me or breathe in my general direction I lose my shit and go off. I hate it. Hate feeling this way so I am going to do my best to NOT feel and be this way. I know it is best to feel what you feel when you feel it and process, but shit man,  have processed everything I know I need to and I still feel like crap.

So I am done. I am not giving it any more power to hold over me and keep me a hostage any longer. It might come to me acting like a rabid monkey but something has to give.

So I am going to smile and laugh and fake it till I make it. Okay? Okay.

Have a good weekend folks.


Regina said...

Hi Bella, Hang in there, it's tough but if you write three things you're thankful for every night before going to sleep it will shift your subconsciousness in a pleasant direction. On bad days I write "I'm thankful a bird didn't poop on me today" ...

There is always something to be happy about. Fake it till you make it =)

Anonymous said...

Ok woman I know exactly what you are going through hell I went through it for two long ass years, faking it too.
Then that fateful horrible day/night happened in my life *you know the one* made me stop dead in my tracks and take a long hard look at myself, you know this from my blogs I posted and whinings on Facebook.
I realized that it's not as bad as I was making it out to be, what is more funny is I watch Desperate Housewives and the one character "Susan" was told she can't allow herself to ever be happy she looks to make herself miserable. I stopped dead and thought do I do that too? That is when really hit me hard to be honest. Watching a freaking night time soap opera.

I decided to just let it all out & let things happen as you know. Well baby girl you see my transformation, you held my hand through it all. Guess what honey now it is big sister's turn to do the same for you, let you get it out seriously get it out!!

As far as moon time goes well that seems the norm with many women I know, kinda weird in a sense. I wonder if it's the food we eat sometimes doing it.

I can share with you how I eat and see if that helps at all, I have been anemic and protein deficient since I was born so I struggle all my life with it until recently.

I also understand the whole family running when they come near you I had that too, again until the fateful night!! Sometimes I think we all need to go to a dark place, find the person who is trapped in there and grab their hand to get them out of there into the light, I wanted to say again. My person was trapped for most of my life and never had a chance until now to shine like the sun.

I know you have it in you too and I am here to help pull you through the storm!!! Just take my hand honey, I am ready for a bumpy ride with you, in the end we can scream "HOLY SHIT WE MADE IT OUT!!! DAMN THAT WAS FUN!!!"

Jo said...

I love you like a sister you know this. I know where you are and I am in the ditch with you honey.

Maybe it is the weather that is never constant that has us FUBAR lately... IDK.. but I am there with you .. Fake it, we have to make it...

Have Jack grab you some Iron pills from a drug store honey they are inexpensive.. I have had to take them for years for anemia.

I wish at this point my family would run from me! That may be part of MY issue I never have alone time... we should go out ang get drunk together soon!

When you hit bottom honey you will see the only way to go is up so chin up! I will send you lots and lots of love notes and help cheer you up.


Anonymous said...

I'm all familiar with the fake it til you make it. I've been aggitated, manic and depressed all at the same time for about a month now. I couldn't take it anymore and had my psych up my meds. The first few days make me robotic but after the adjustment I always feel better. Here's to hoping you make it : )

Dreaming of Jeanie said...

Oh, darlin', you are not alone. Sometimes I get so down I get tired of my own complaints. This last winter was especially hard for me. Gray days=suck. Gray days+large debt=harsh suck. The summer sun has me feeling better though. Yes, fake it 'til to you make it! Your sun will come, too. Hugs!