Saturday, February 18, 2012

Thoughts and Things...(Long)

So much has happened in my life. Not just the last 6 months or so, which has been a jam packed whirlwind of mostly suckage...but my entire life. My life has not been an easy one, and over the years I have become harder that I was as a naive child of 19 or so. I have written all about that here in the past so I will not revisit it today.

We have been working like crazy on the house, but as a lot of it does not require much mental concentration, my mind can wonder and think about other things.

Friendship...or relationships in general is one of the things that has been on my mind. Recently I was accused of being self-centered and cruel, which really threw me. I am the first to admit I am a blunt person and I am not the person to go to when you want someone to hold your hand and tell you it will all be okay in the morning. I have touted that here many times, and to any one else who will listen. I am the person you go to when you want the truth. The hard, cold, unemotional, free from bullshit truth. I tell people this, not only to make them understand, but also to warn them. I understand that 99% of the population filter their life through their emotions. So did I, when I was 14 or so. Emotion is what led me to run away from home at 15, almost get killed in a car wreck, get married at 16, have a child at 17, get divorced at 18, and have another child at 19. Until I was 24, I was a wreck. Reckless. Took way to many risks, and I am lucky that I am still here today. However, that life changed me. With the life I led, I did not have the luxury of letting my emotions rule me any more. I had to survive. I did not have time to FEEL my way through life. It made me put up walls, it made me look at things through cold logic, because that is what it took to get me through each day. I listen a lot more than I talk...and because of that, I see how other people live, how they react to situations, how they fool themselves, or convince themselves of the way things are are okay. I get this, it is a defense and coping mechanism, of which I have many. I have dropped my walls a lot over the years, but one thing that will never change is the way I filter things. Logic lets me sit back and think of as many possible outcomes of a situation before I enter it. I say sit back, but this process usually takes only seconds, unless it is something HUGE and I need to give a lot of thought to. It makes me more secure, because I map out as many outcomes, good and bad, before I go in to something, so I am not surprised down the road, so I can be prepared for as much as possible. It works for me. It has kept me alive when in all honestly, I should not be.

However, I am the most UNself-centered person ever. I ALWAYS come last. My family comes first, followed by my friends and then random people and then maybe me. Maybe. My life making me OUTWARDLY unemotional, making me harder, does NOT make me self-centered. I still have emotions. Tons of them, sometimes to the point of mentally crippling me. I just try my best to not let the outside world see them, because from where I have been, you did not let people see you sweat, or to let them know they hurt you, because then they have power over you, and that power was always used for their own personal gain. Being Bipolar, I work especially hard to not let my emotions show, because I strive to stay balanced as much as possible. If I let my emotions take over, even now that I no longer live life in the proverbial fast lane, it still would make me a wreck. This is how I have to be, to be balanced. I know to the emotional types I seem way off balance sometimes, because all they see is the logical side of me. I understand that. I very seldom let them see the emotional side, so of course they feel that way. That is okay to me. I rather them think I was Mr. Spock in the flesh than think I was a raving lunatic. I know emotions are not all bad, but what I need people to understand is that a lot of emotion is bad for me personally. If I feel strongly about something, I am going to let you know, and I am not going to dress it up in pretty words that might make you feel better, because I can't. I can try, and I WILL try, but it always comes out wrong. Or I just sit there and nod and say things like " Right" or "Okay" or " I understand" which eventually will come off sounding insincere. If I can not speak my mind about something, in the words I need to use, then basically I will say very little at all. Not because it has to be "My way or the highway" or because I get some power or ego trip, but because people need the truth. So many dress it up, cover it up so it does not hurt. Everyone is so concerned about not hurting, about not stepping on toes, about not rocking the boat, when sometimes the only way a person might ever get the picture is if you shake them up a bit, or if you stop all the hand holding and say "Look, this is the deal, you can look at it from any side you want, but this is how I see it." I think what people do not understand is that I am not "being mean" or trying to hurt anyone. I am just me, and who I am is blunt and non rainbows and butterflies flowing out of your nether regions type of person. So if I can't be myself, then I will just shut up. I will listen to you, and I care about you, but I will not offer much personal opinion, especially if I know the person can't handle it. If that makes me a horrible person, then so be it. I will just have to be a horrible person. I am lucky enough to have people in my life who understand and accept this about me. They know that if it is hand holding they need, or someone to pretend everything will be okay (when I feel in my heart it will not be ) then I am not the person to go to. If they need the truth, or just want to talk, or shoot the breeze, or hang out, then I am that person.

My loyalty is fierce, and I will give you the shirt off my back or listen to you for hours about anything...however, if you ask me a question, or want my opinion, I am going to give it to you, the way I see it. I understand not everyone can handle that, and I have tried and will try to alter my responses for them, but in the end I hate to admit it, but it ends up with me and that person not talking much. Not because I care any less, but because I can not be myself with that person. So when it comes to serious things, I am willing to talk about it forever, as long as the person understands me. If that means I can not be that friend a person goes to for certain things, I am okay with that. If I need a sympathetic ear, Jack is not the person I turn to first, because he and I are just alike, which is why we mesh so well. I know that a certain portion of things that are important to me he does not comprehend or care about them the same way I do, so I go to the friend who can give me what I need. I don't fault Jack for not being that person, because he is the person I go to when I need other things. I have certain friends I go to for certain things, because that is the types of personalities they have. I go to the ones who are suited for whatever I need. I have NEVER found a single person who could be all of those things at once. Some people are lucky enough to have that all rolled up in one person. I am not. I AM lucky to have a diverse set of friends who are able to give me, and I them, what we need from each other, fully understanding if there is something we need and can not get from that person, it is okay, and not some huge character flaw. We just go to the person who can be what we need. But do not blast me for not being everything you need all wrapped up in a convenient package. Do not hate me because my strengths are not the same as yours, or because your weaknesses are not the thing my strengths can make better, or vice versa. If I need a recipe, I am not going to go to my friend the carpet cleaner for one.  I am going to go to the chef or person I know is a fantastic cook. I understand that some people can be more than one thing to a person, so can I. But one thing I can not be is the chick you go to when you want me to tell you it will all be okay in the morning, when I do not think it will. If that makes me self-centered then I apologize, but that is just me, take it or leave it. I understand that about myself. I have tried and tried in the past, but it just ends up badly. I end up feeling oppressed and fake, and the other person thinks I don't care because I hardly say anything meaningful when they are venting to me. Not because I do not have an opinion, but because I know you won't like what I have to say, so for the sake of keeping the peace, I will not say much of anything, and hope like hell that you feel better for venting to me and not ask me anything that I will have to answer directly. Because I DO care about your feelings, and if I know I can't be myself or rather say things they way I see them, then I will just not say much of anything.

It kind of sucks at times to be that person. I have so much to say, but because people can't take the way I say it, I end up saying not much of anything. I have such love for my friends and people I interact with, and I wish I were easier for them to understand, but I am not. So I apparently come across as an unfeeling bitch who likes to go around stomping on people's feelings. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I am just being real. Something most people forget how to be, for the sake of being "nice". I rather someone give it to me straight than trying to cover it up in pretty words. I rather hurt from the truth than be happy from a lie, or from someone trying to spare my feelings. I am a big girl, I know how to handle it. I may not show much outwardly, but inside it is a whole different story.

I guess that is where the cruel thing comes in to play as well. Because I think very little about emotions of my own in my relationships, I tend to not look at other's either. It is hard to be different for every person you interact with, because they can't handle who you are inside. So I get the bitch title and all the other words that go with it. It does not bother me most of the time, but that self-centered comment really irked me. All I may have just done with that I have written is confirm that for people, but hey, I am what I am. I know who I am inside, and I know the love in my heart and the *gasp* emotions I have. I am okay with that, because the people who matter accept that about me and love me anyway. Even when I am not so lovable in their eyes, or if I am not the same as them, if I do not process things the same way, or react to things the same way, it is okay, because they love all of me, even if there are parts they don't like about me. I will do my best to try to be what the people in my life need...but I am not perfect, and it does not always work out the way we might want it to. I am okay with that. I wish that they were too. All I can do is try, and hope that somehow it is enough.

Now, on to something totally different...

I no longer feel that "Memoirs of a Crazy Witch" accurately represents who I am any more. I am no longer who I was when I started this blog, and I think one of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I no longer felt that this blog reflected ME any more. However, people identify with me by this title and that means something to me, and I do not want to confuse anyone. However I am really feeling a call to change the name of my blog. Not sure what I want to change it to yet, I just know that a change is in order.  I am still a Witch, still crazy most days...but there is so much more to me, and I feel that the title is kind of boxing me in. Of course after my little rant up there, anyone reading this might be thinking " Really? Seems to fit you just fine you crazy woman". Lol..

I know it is as simple as changing the name in my settings, and making a new button (bleh) but because I DO care about the people who might still read me, I do not want to cause them any confusion or anything if I suddenly change my name. SO if anyone has any thoughts or opinions I am very open to hearing them.

I guess that ends my post for today, and I know it probably did not make much sense, but it had to get out of my system and maybe, just maybe, people might understand me a little better because of it.

Later folks.


Luna Raven said...

The problem with being able to clearly see people is that they are hiding from themselves. They don't think you are bitch because of what you said, they think that because you had the guts to say it. If they don't like it, they don't have to stay, do they?!

I went through the blog thing last year and that is why I chose to create a whole new blog and site. Those who really want to hear what you have to say will happily follow along, don't you worry!

I saw this today and I swear it was what I needed. Today. And I have this funny feeling it might make you feel like it did me:

Okay you little Witchy Poo, what's next?! I'm ready :)

Iesadora said...

I really wish I knew who I am inside, I lost her a long long time ago. Instead I am what the situation calls for, adapt to your personality, fit into the group mentality. I'm everyone and yet not any one person. To some degree I envy that you end up being titled a Bitch.

Unknown said...

Luna, I love you to pieces. You always seem to understand exactly what I am trying to say, and what I mean at the heart of things. That pin was perfect, and I thank you for showing it to me :) Because I watch people so much, I do have the luxury of "seeing" them as they really are, because I am removed from the situation, so I see it without all the emotional involvement. It kind of sucks at the same time because most people do not want to hear it.

I am ready for the change here, and next week when I hopefully have a bit more time I will start the process :D <3

Lesadora...I have been there, I totally understand. For years I was that same way, being something different for each person I came in contact with, and I, too, lost myself. It was not until I finally had the guts to stand up and be ME, no matter who I was around, that I finally found myself again. I have lost some people along the way because of it, and it hurts, but remember, each person that leaves your life makes room for someone to come into your life who won't leave your side. Those people are the ones who make it worth it, and the feeling of being true to yourself, in spite of everyone else, means that I go to sleep each night with a clear conscious. If you ever want to talk, email me, I will be glad to chat with you <3

Luna Raven said...

If I could, I would 'like' this post. *roars with laughter* You know there are people who just hate my laugh? They think I am too loud and obnoxious. I think they are too too sad. I see you, my sister and I am glad you liked that pin!

Unknown said...

Hearty laughter is the BEST! I do not care if you sound like a braying donkey, if it is real and obviously heartfelt, I love it! My laugh is a bit weird too, so I know where you are coming from lol. If I get really tickled, I end up doubled over, face all red, gasping for breath like a fish out of water, it is not pretty...but it is real LOL!

Anonymous said...

Now I can answer this one with a full heart of love for you.
#1 I love you Bella always have, we have this uncanny and freaky connection, we spoke about it. I truly believe we have been sisters since the beginning of time and then some. With that I love you no matter what even when I got pissy over your honesty with me.

#2 With that said, I love you for complete honesty with me through out the years. I admire and respect in so many ways and you have inspired me to be honest with others as well. Just like you at times I don't put others feelings into my honesty. Honestly, most times I do say things people don't like to hear and I say it anyway.

#3 You taught me so much in the years we have been friends/sisters. You taught how to open and share my thoughts honestly, instead of hiding them or being fake to please everyone else. yes it ended up in me losing some people who I thought could handle it and be true in friendships with me, it taught me though who my true friends and family are. So I owe you a world of gratitude in that.

#4 I have always said I want complete honestly, I would rather you hurt me with the truth than make me smile with a falsehood. Eventually the lie gets found out and then there is more hurt: I won't rehash that one you know what I am talking about already.

#5 If you feel you need to change your blog up do it babe!! I am 100% behind NO WAIT 200% beside you on that one.

I love you no matter what you are and why is that?

You my dear are the most honest, caring, true to form person I know and I mean that whole heartedly.

Never change who you are or stop being our Bella!!!

Your honesty is makes you so beautiful in my eyes anyway!!!

Love you babe.

PS if you need to kick my arse just warn me ahead with a soft smile!! LOL

Unknown said...

I love you to Rae. I know we have had our moments but 5 years of friendship and sisterhood have to count for something right? Lol...

Thank you for accepting me and loving me for who I am, and I am glad that we were set in each others path, we have taught each other many things over the years.

Thank you for the support, it thrills me to have it, makes me very happy. Love you bunches!

Anonymous said...

It sure does count for something honey.
Never thank me for that. It is a given.
That is what we do when we love each other.

Iesadora said...

Thank-you so much Bella! There's going to be big changes in my little nut shell in the next year (if I don't chicken out) that I hope will be the beginning of finding me and it is a HUGE comfort to know I can turn to you. Thank-you again!