Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The world keeps spinning...

It has been three days since Daddy passed away. Each day it gets a little easier, for me. It is a bit different for my Mother, of course, but she is holding up well enough. My two oldest kids, who live there, are taking it okay. It is easier for me though, I fully admit it, and it has caused me a bit of guilt. See, I did not talk with my Dad daily, and it would sometimes be two or three weeks in between visits. That is just how we were.

So for me, even though I know he is no longer physically here, things are not that different for me. We went over to Mom's yesterday, I was going to help her clean, which we did a little of, but we really just all needed to be together for a while, and Alex really needed to see Mom and her siblings. I walked in and went to Daddy's recliner, sat in it and kind of hugged it. When home, that is where he spent most of his time, so I took a moment to remember and feel his presence. It was strange though, it did not feel like he was "gone", it felt like he was fishing ( which he did often ) or hunting or something. It did not feel permanent, there was no horrible emptiness for me. Again, it is different for my Mom and older kids, as they lived with him, and saw him daily.

That is not to say there is no pain, because there is. It still hits me at times, but my Dad was the type to tell you to deal with your emotions, then carry on. He hated it when someone would cry, he was that type of guy. Two nights ago, I was sitting here, in a funk, looking at my messy house that I had not had time to deal with in a week, and I was miserable. The next thing I know, I heard, quite plainly, in my head: "Quit sniveling Gal, ( he called me Gal all the time, being a southern man and all...) I am fine, now get off your ass and clean this house, you know better than that!" ( My Dad was a neat freak lol. ) I smiled, got up, even though it was after midnight, and Alex and I cleaned and dusted and I did the dishes, and swept and mopped the floors. I felt much better afterwards.

My Dad will be cremated, and in a week or so we will have his ashes and we are going to go scatter then in the place of his choosing, overlooking some saltwater canals, which lead to the ocean, where he liked to fish best.

There has been family drama, as my Dad made a decision after he found out that he had cancer, which was that he only wanted a few people told about it, and when he got sick, he made all of us swear not to tell anyone.He said he only wanted the people around him who made the effort to be there when he was well and healthy, he did not want the come around now that he was sick and wait for him to die so they could see what they could get off of him. A hard thing to uphold, but we did. We understood. We knew it would cause problems, and it did, especially since I was the ONLY one of my siblings who knew. However, it made sense. If people, which included my siblings, could not come around unless they wanted or needed something, or did not come around at all ( as is the case with one of my brothers, that we have not seen in 20 years, even though he lives right down the road ) then he wanted them no where near him when he was sick and then dying. We agreed. It was his last wishes, and one of the last things he said when he was still lucid. He made us all promise again. So after he died, my MOTHER'S brother took it upon himself to call my FATHER'S son and tell him, which of course got word to my sister, who tried to start shit. But we quickly rallied around my Mom, and my cousin told them exactly WHY it happened like that, and why Dad did not want them told, so they needed to take a long hard look at themselves, and why Dad would feel that way towards his own children, and think about that, and to leave my Mother alone, as it was HIS doing, NOT my Mother's. Far as I know, they have not bothered her again, and my cowardly Uncle will not even answer Mom's phone calls. Such an act of betrayal from her own brother was almost as bad as Daddy's passing at that point. I am the only child for my mother, my siblings are half siblings, so why in the hell my Mother's brother, who did not even speak to Dad's side of the family would take it upon himself to do that, after KNOWING that Dad did not want them involved, is beyond me. I know they had a right to know, and even  though I dislike my siblings, I still felt they should know, but it did not matter. My father asked it of me, and as this was about him and HIS feelings, not ours, then we upheld our promise.

Anyway, no telling what else will unfold from all that. I know it is something people do not understand, but again, it is what Daddy wanted, and we loved and respected him enough to do that for him.

Alex is doing better, the first couple of days were hard for her. Luckily Jack was able to get up there and see Dad the night before he died, thanks to Perth watching Alex for us.

Soon, when it is still not quite so fresh and raw, I will write of the week leading up to his death. There are some things I want to say, to write, so I will always be able to remember them, should time ever try to dull my senses. I have not cried at all today, and I would like to have that continue, so that will be a later post.

I want to thank all my friends and family, for being so wonderful to me and my family though this, and thank you to my readers and blogger friends for all of the kind words and condolences, prayers, and healing. You have all made this much easier to deal with, and it is greatly appreciated. My family and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Until next time.


Anonymous said...

Holding you tight my dear sweet soul sister in my heart.
I am happy to see you dealing this well with it so far. Keep your head up honey. If you ever need to talk feel free to let me know.
I love you <3

greekwitch said...

I am so sorry for your loss! Tonight i will light a candle for your dad. Sending lots of love your way!