I am no longer in the grips of the crushing despair that came after my father passed. I know he is happy now, where ever he is. Father's Day was very hard for me, but Jack's cousin invited us to her place, and her parents, Jack's aunt and uncle, live next door to her, and we decided to go visit after going to the flea market so I could restock my incense collection. We were there for about four hours, and talking to Jack's uncle was just like sitting there talking to my own father. He took Alex around the yard and went to look at the chickens, and he played catch with her and spent some time with her, after talking to Jack and I for several hours. I can not even tell you how much that visit healed Alex and I. We needed it so bad, and since then I have felt more like myself. We will visit again soon.
So I am trying to get back to normal. I have been cleaning, and cooking again. Both of which I pretty much stopped doing since Daddy passed. Small steps, but positive ones. I can smile and laugh again without feeling guilty, like I should be crying and a mess still. I know Daddy would not have wanted that.
Soon, thanks to a friend, I will have the funds to do a little pampering for myself. I found a sexy new nail polish I am getting, and then I am going to have my nails done, with the new polish. Maybe even get a new sundress or two, depending on the funds. I want to feel girly and beautiful for a while. I am looking forward to it. I decided to bite the bullet and actually dye my hair blue, which I have wanted to do for ages, but I knew my Dad would have a stroke if I did...so even though I have the material, and have for a while, I decided to wait and see what happened with him. Now that he is passed, I decided to wait until we scatter his ashes, which is scheduled for the 14th of July. I have waited this long, I can wait a couple more weeks until we give him his send off. I respect him enough to wait. I am very stoked to do this however. Yes I will post pictures lol.
Jack went back to the doctor on the 18th. That news was not very good. He is no better than he was a couple of months ago, in fact his pain level is worse, so they are going to do another MRI and see if they need to start all over, which might include another surgery. We had to go have blood work done after the doctor visit, to see if his kidneys could handle the contrast dye they want to use. So once they get the results back from that, assuming his kidney's are fine, then they will call us to schedule his MRI and we go from there. Jack is stressed, and terrified of surgery, but they are great doctors and I know they will do all they can to get him as good as he can get.
My kids are doing well, they bounce back from things easier than a lot of adults, and for that I am glad. My mother is hanging in there, she is able to laugh and joke once again, so in time I hope she will continue to get better. I call her daily, ( which is a feat for me, we all know how I feel about phones ) to check on her, and we usually go over a couple times a week to visit.
She have us my father's smoker/grill last time we were over. Jack is the only person to ever cook on it, save for the one time Daddy did, so she thought we should have it. That is the day poor Jack got hit with everything. It took all he had to bring that grill home. He loved Daddy just like his own father, but being a man, he stuffed his emotions down. He set it up when we got home, tears running down his face the whole time. It is a nice large grill, but since it did not get used much it was dirty and had rust spots. He went out there and sanded it down and bought a special heat resistant paint and today he repainted it, so it looks good as new. I know Daddy would approve, and I told him every time we cook on it, we will take a few bites for him.
The tears still come at times, but now they are mixed with smiles as we share memories of the man who shaped all of our lives, in both good and bad ways. I would not be who I am today without him, even the bad stuff. Now that he is gone, I see that a lot of the things he did in my life he did not do to be an ass, he did it because he saw the potential in me, and he knew that I needed to be pushed. He did what he did out of love. I wish I had realized that before he passed, but sometimes it takes a massive change to give us that mental shift we needed. So even in death, he is still teaching me.
So life goes on, and life is good, even when bad things happen at times. My friends and family have been amazing, and I am so thankful for them. All the words of support, the prayers, the healing, the comfort. I am forever grateful for them...but three people stand out...as they always do in my life.
My friend Jo, the sister of my heart, and her husband made sure we had gas money to get back and forth to the hospital, without it, Jack would never have been there to see him before Dad passed. I am forever thankful for her unwavering love and support. She is pregnant, and has been on bedrest, so I know the trip up there drained her and was hard for her, and I love her always for doing that for me. Jo is my heart.
Charlene...my beautiful Charlene, surprised me the night I stayed at the hospital with Dad alone. I knew Jo and her husband were coming, they were going to meet me at the hospital. My mother and older kids were there, as well as my cousins Shelby and Mallory, when a knock sounded at the door. I answered it, expecting it to be Jo and her husband, and Charlene was standing there with that little smile she does...and I burst into tears. She had called Jack, wanting to know how I was, and what she could do, and asked if she should come to the hospital. She knew Jack had been unable to get there because he had to watch Alex so I could go myself. So he told her I needed someone, I needed her, to be with me so I was not going through this alone. Unbeknownst to me at the time, she came. She showed up about 7 that night and stayed with me until one in the morning. There are no words to describe how much that meant to me. My heart swells every time I think of it. We talked and laughed and her light chased the shadows from my heart. I loved her before, but that night...I felt like that part in the Grinch story, where his heart swelled up three times its size lol. Char is my soul.
Perth, my ever faithful Perth, watched Alex for us the night before Daddy passed, so Jack could finally get there to see Daddy. Without Perth he never would have made it, and it would have haunted him for the rest of his life. He watched her for about 9 or 10 hours, while we were with Dad, and then, because we had hardly any food in the house ( as I has been at the hospital all the time, or sleeping ) he watched her while we went grocery shopping. It is a good thing too, as Daddy passed the next morning and it would have been days before we had the time to do it. Without Perth, Jack would never have gotten to say goodbye, and I am forever grateful for him making it to where Jack got to go up there. Perth is my rock.
Because of these three people, because of their love and support, I was able to make it through this time. I do not know what I would have done without them. I love them with all I have, and I hope that one day I can do for them what they have done for me.
I think I will close for now, my heart is full and there is nothing else I could say that would mean more than the three paragraphs I just wrote.
So have a blessed and happy Solstice, and I hope this day treats you well.
Life is good today.
Joni, the sister of my heart
Charlene and I, the sister of my soul
Perth, my spirit brother, my rock.