Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So it has been an interesting few days. My eldest daughter turned 16, but due to Alex being sick, we were unable to celebrate with her, as we can not be around my Mom if we are sick. It feels like yesterday that she was a tiny squalling thing, and now she is almost grown.

We got a free kitchen table and four chairs from our neighbor. They were kind of beat up, but it is a ceramic tile topped table, and I can see how pretty it will be after I finish getting it sanded and painted. I will take before and after pics to show you my progress. We have not had a kitchen table since we moved here almost 8 years ago, ( we eat on the couch ) so it will be nice to have dinner there and have the work space when needed. I am really excited about the project! It felt so good to be out there in the sun and fresh air working with the power sander. It was the first time I felt accomplished about something in a very long time.

Jack is scheduled to have two back to back MRIs soon, one with contrast dye and one without. He popped something in his back Friday before last, and has been  in a lot of pain ever since. They had to put him back on his heavy duty pain killers, which he had been off of for months. It seems like all he can do is sleep ( due to pain and heavy duty pain killers making him sleepy ) or stand in the back propped on the dryer so he can smoke at the back door as it hurts him to move up and down the steps at times. He is depressed still...and just bleh. I miss his spark.

I am trying very hard to not be bummed out right now. Our landlord raised our rent due to higher property taxes, in a time when we have to go to extreme measure just to pay the old rent amount. My phone will probably be cut off in the next few days, after the 16th of next month my net will go, and the $200 I get in food stamps used to last us a month now hardly lasts two weeks due to the increase in food prices. ( That is with me shopping VERY frugally ) We have ran out of gas in the truck twice, one a couple of weeks ago, forcing Jack to walk two miles to a gas station to get enough gas to get home, afterwards he could not move for two days due to agonizing pain from the walk, and then yesterday after we had to go pick up Alex from school because she was sick, and we had to walk about a half a mile to the gas station. We are constantly running low or short on things like toilet paper and body soap, laundry soap and dish soap, because my food stamps do not cover those things. I got a few donations from people right after I posted about our need, which helped us for that one month, and I am grateful, but that is long gone and the bills do not go away unfortunately.

One of the reasons I do not write much anymore is because I have nothing good to say most days, and I know people are tired of hearing me complain and be needy. I am tired of hearing me complain and be needy too, so I just shut up. I have great people in my life who are very emotionally giving and light candles and pray for us, which is great..but our needs are purely physical. Food, shelter, ways of communication,  reliable transportation. None of those things are a given any more and it is one of the worst things in the world, to never, ever feel secure and know that things are going to be okay. I can't remember the last time I felt safe and secure.

Alex is unhappy, she cries at the drop of a hat, she is moody and argumentative...and I know it is because of our situation. She is a very sensitive little girl and even though we do our best to shelter her and hide how dire things are from her, she still feels it rolling off of us. It hurts to see my sweet little girl turn into this sad shadow of herself, just like it hurts to see what was once a strong and fiery man turn into a ghost of what he once was. I know I have changed in so many ways as well. None of us are whole anymore. I do not know what else I can do. Once I lose the phone, Jack will be unable to be in the required communication with his doctors, workers comp agency, and lawyers, and I will be unable to talk back and forth with the MJF Foundation who is trying to set me up with a doctor here in town, or any other doctor I might need, not to mention the school will have no way to contact me if Alex needs to be picked up. Once I lose the net, all contact with the world at large will cease. I do not know what to do, and we are all hurting and in despair.

One step forward and two steps back is how it always seems to feel. One good or great thing will happen, I get happy for a minute and WHAM! Two bad or terrible things hit us.

I am letting people down, and I feel like a big jerk about it. Things that were supposed to be great failed horribly, I can't seem to mentally or emotionally commit to anything right now, due to just being sick with worry ( which triggers flare ups in my body ) and unable to focus on anything very long.

I am out of options and out of hope. Every time we get back on our feet, something snatches the rug out from under us. I  was reading about another blogger who raised over ten grand for a family of total and complete strangers..that he expect a few hundred bucks, but got thousands, and while I cried because I was so happy that people pulled together to give to people they did not even know, and give those people a better life, at the same time I admit I was bitter and I was crying because I wished something similar could happen to us. I cry at night because it is not fair. Jack worked so hard, every single day. He was not lazy, or looking for a handout, he busted his ass 6 days a week to give us what little we had, and I worked my ass of when I was employed, and I work my ass off here trying to give my family a home. We are good people, we do not use drugs, we do not drink, we do not lie, cheat, and steal. Yet we are the ones having to suffer, while people keep punching out kids to get welfare, buying drugs with their cash assistance, or get a free ride while not contributing anything to the universe...those people drive brand new cars, have nice houses, and all the food they can eat. We work our ass off and do not have shit.  If not for my mother and a few beautiful souls that shared their children's clothes with her at Christmas, Alex would not have clothes. Not being able to give her what she needs and wants makes me want to curl in a ball and die. I love my family more than anything, and I cannot assure them that we will be okay, and I know Jack feels even worse than I do about it. It kills him to have to rely on anyone but ourselves, and the last 4 months have ripped him apart inside. He thinks I do not hear, but I hear him in the shower, or at night when he thinks I am asleep, crying.


But I have heard him trying to sob quietly so as not to alarm us. It kills me.

So that is where we are, what we are doing, and why we are doing it.

Depressing read, I know. Sorry. But that is my life right now.

If anyone still wants to help, the pay pal buttons are still up in the corner.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear you are all hurting so much. We are close to being as bad off. We have only one wage earner and his income goes down every year. He has to support all four of us. The cost of living continues to climb but the gov't doesn't even give cost of living wage increases and has lowered wages here. We have never been able to have a family holiday or do things most people do because of being in poverty. Even though the gov't doesn't classify us as poor because our income is just over and that means we can't get any of the gov't assistance. We are the working poor which sucks big time.
I don't know your situation as I just stumbled onto your blog but I will send you energies that something good comes your way. I can feel that you are just on the edge of a big change and it's going to be a positive one so hang in there.

Magaly Guerrero said...

As long as you still see the good. I'm glad you got a table; it is always good to have a place where to share meals.

Blessings and luck.

Stephanie said...

Great post. Love reading them all. ;)