To start with, as most already know, I am bipolar, and I was hit with a pretty rough down swing.
I spent way to much time in my own head, which is a dangerous thing at times. I started looking at everything and everyone with bitter and jaded eyes. I felt very alone, and unloved. I started comparing what I did as a friend and what other people did as a friend, and felt that most of my "friendships" were very one-sided. I felt that I was the one doing all the work, and when I needed people, no one was there. Not that I ASKED them to be there, mind you. I just thought everyone should telepathically know that I was losing my shit and needed someone to fix me, help me, save me, take care of me for a change. So I went on a 4 day social networking silence...waiting to see when someone would notice.
No one did.
Or rather, no one came forward and said they did, until after the fact.
Then, I had an ugly public meltdown on one of my social networking pages. That is something I do not do very much...and I was horrified after the fact. I felt so very foolish. I tried to do some damage control, but there are still a couple of people who are making their displeasure known. I apologized, and there is not much more I can do about that. As I said in my apology, even the strongest stone can crack under the right amount of pressure.
It all just got to me. I was lonely, upset, scared, and overwhelmed. We have been in one of those " Omg, what are we going to do until the next check gets here, bills are piling up, our supplies are dwindling, I have to have all of these tests and I have to wait until we have the gas money.." periods. It sucks. ( No, his check has not gotten here yet. We still have a week to go. It is not going to be pretty. It sucks when one simple thing will fix it all *
I tried to talk to Jack...but that is not any help, as he is mired in the same crap I am. Only his mental state was a little worse, since he is the one who has always provided for us, and he feels like a failure. I needed to be reassured, but so did he, and we just did not have anything left to give each other in the way of comfort.
Feeling upset about our current situation got me to thinking about all those people who said "If I can help, let me know!" Yet, when I finally stuffed my dignity in a corner and asked, of course there was no help from those people. I will not go into my feelings on that, because none of them are nice. Or particularly rational.
The next step in the downward spiral was to become angry about everything my friends did.
( I don't hate anyone, but the rest is fitting )
"Look at that bitch, always taking a nap and laying down every time he/she gets a hangnail. Oh you have a migraine? You have cramps? You have to study? You have to go grocery shopping? You sliced your hand open on something? You have the flu? You are in the hospital? Well TO BAD! I sit here no matter what I feel like, I AM HERE, why can't anyone else suck it up and be here when it is so obvious that I am losing my mind, even though I have not said a single word about it to anyone, can't they read my silence as something OMINOUS"?
Yeah. Can we say ridiculous? I was angry at other people for taking care of themselves, just because I am always here, no matter how bad I feel. Very stupid thinking.
Then came the getting pissed off at my family. "Why do they only call when they want something from me? When they want me to fix something, or get them something, or do something? Why can't they ever contact me just to make sure I am not dead, to see if we need anything ( and actually help us with something, instead of just saying it out of social obligation. ) There is a lot of truth in that, but my Mom will call if she has not heard from me in a while and check on us.
So I started looking for the negative in everything, and we all know where that gets us.
Once I made my problems known in my meltdown, I actually got a lot of support. As one friend said, "if you need to talk, then LET ME KNOW." Well there is a novel idea. Instead of stewing in silence, I could say "Hey, I need some love here."
The next day, I was embarrassed at my outburst, and I read everything over again, and saw the love that is there, if I only reach out and tap into it.
It was a hard and embarrassing lesson to learn.
I then made the comment that I wished therapy were free...and a friend asked me if I had medicaid, and if so, then therapy was available. I had never thought of that. So yesterday, after talking with that friend, and another new friend ( whom I find myself liking more and more every time I talk to her) who is also in the process of seeking help, I made a couple of phone calls after looking in my provider handbook and seeing they do indeed offer mental health help. I called two of the four therapists in my network. One I did not like the vibe from, and the other, after first asking me if I were suicidal ( I'm not ) told me half her staff was out sick, she was swamped, and could she call me back today. I said yes, because even in the short amount of time we spoke, I liked her, so I am waiting to hear back from her.
I need outside help, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I need someone else to examine my brain instead of just me. I know what is wrong, but I can't fix it alone, and neither can well meaning friends, as willing as they are to let me bounce things off of them. I need to learn how to handle all of this mentally, and I probably need my meds looked at and possibly changed. It has been a long time since they have been adjusted.
I just can't do this alone anymore. My mind is twisting bad things into monumentally horrible things. I have enough going on in my life, the last thing I need is to sabotage myself on top of it. I have to learn how to not shut down, and how to not look at innocent things as the enemy. Yes, I am lonely, but if I keep this up, I will be truly alone, and I do not think I could handle that.
So that is what has been going on in the last week. SO much CRAP stuffed into a few days. It was not a good time to be in my own mind. It is like a bad acid trip...normal and innocent things look like big scary monsters and bad things that want to hurt me. I hope that this therapist wants to work with me. I am looking forward to it...to letting someone outside of all the crap I am going through ( who has no emotional ties to me ) help me look at things more objectively. I feel it can really be a lot of help.
That is what I am hoping anyways. That is my plan.
Well, there it is. That is what I have been dealing with, and I hope it is all over soon.
Have any of you ever had episodes like this? What did you to do deal with it? Did you seek outside help, or struggle through it alone? If you have any tips, please let me know in the comments!
Until next time....
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I have noticed you were not on but I thought it was my Facebook being on crack. I should have checked deeper. We may not know each other well but if you need to talk then I am here. I will leave you my email and number to text me on facebook. I am here to scream, yell or just let your feelings out. Always know you are loved. Its okay to have a breakdown once in while.
All you need to do is reach out. As you have said, unless someone knows you need help, you can't get help. I love you SO much and if I had known you needed anything I would have dropped everything, you KNOW that. Please try to remember to open that beautiful mouth of yours and SHOUT next time, OK??
I think every single one of us has been in their own heads at one point or another and not liked what we see there. When things get this tough, we should reach out. Seriously. Like Vickie said, you have many friends who love you; start there. If we can't help, one or two of us might know what to do next. And if we don't, we'll figure it out together.
Much love, my Bella. And I wish the Beltane energies infuse your soul with self-love.
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