So this happened last night...seems like I have been through this before..

There I was, minding my own business on my porch, watching the light rain.

The mail carrier pulled up and put the mail in our mailbox.

It was barely misting at this point, so I open the screen door and proceed to place my left foot on the top step.

Suddenly my foot flies out from under me backwards, I fall, leg is trapped underneath me..and THIS is what happened...

That is a severely dislocated and broke in two places ankle.

The dislocation was the most painful thing I have been through. You can't see it in this pic, but my skin split in three places, the bone was slowly pushing it's way through the skin as it swelled more and more. It hurt worse than when I broke my right ankle. I had to endure that splitting with no pain meds, because they were about to put me in twilight to reset the bone and if they gave me more pain meds, I could possibly stop breathing. 

I also broke my tibia and femur in almost the same exact spots as the right one did. They sent me home in a soft cast thing until the swelling goes down so they can operate. I have an appointment Thursday to meet with the surgeon and have him look at it since all he saw were the xrays last night, he did not come in to see me himself. 

On the bright side, I do not have to be shipped off to recover, like I was last time. Dawn is here all the time, and my oldest daughter is now living with us ( One down, one to go ) so there are plenty of folks here to watch over me. 

I guess when I asked for some down time to take care of some things, I should have been more specific. On the bright side, the constant fear that I would fall and break the other ankle is over. 

So...it hurts. A lot. 

But I will live, far as I know, lol.

I suppose I will be writing more now that I am pretty much bed and couch ridden for the Summer.

 ( REALLY not happy...we had a lot of plans this Summer ) 

A lot has happened in the last three weeks. A new little soul. An older soul who only has maybe a year to live, my eldest daughter is back with me and hopefully my son will be too.

I also think that I should maybe never go outside. Terrible things happen on the outside lol.

How have you guys and gals been?

I will update as I know more...

Thoughts on loving and being loved... Part One.

I had a different post planned for today, a simple update of how the week has gone, and how I have been really busy yet totally not busy all at the same time, but I read something that changed all that.

A couple of weeks ago my beautiful friend Luna from A Strange and Curious Girl shared with me the work of  life coach Hannah Marcotti. Luna shared a 30 day workshop with me as a gift, and each day I have been working through the prompts. It has been enlightening and enjoyable. Today, Hannah shared a blog post called A Love Addict is Not Born, and it really resonated with me. Go ahead and click that link to go read the post and come back. I will wait....

Interesting stuff, eh?

I related to that post very much.

I have had a lifelong issue with love. Being loved, loving, the concept of love. All of it. I do not feel that I grew up in a loving home. We had a lovely house, built from the ground up by my parents, family, and friends of the family. I miss that house very much. My parents raised me the best way they knew how. They went out of their way to buy me things when they could. They both worked hard to make sure our needs were met, and to afford a few "wants" along the way. I lived in a beautiful house, with a good amount of stuff, I was sent on yearly vacations around the country to visit relatives...but I do not feel like I had a "loving" home.

 

My father,whom I miss so very much, was a hard man. He lived a hard life from a young age. He was abandoned by his parents on the front porch of their house when he was ten years old. His uncle cared for him for a little while, and then he was placed into a Boy's Home, and I am not sure if he stayed at that one place or if he went to more than one "home" before he became old enough to join the Air Force. He was married 7 or 8 times before he met and married my Mother, and he stayed married to her until his death..34 years. He had issues with love. He was not shown love or shown enough love, in the right way, as a child and as a young man. I am not sure of all the details of his marriages, or the how and whys of why he got married and divorced so much. There is so much about him that I do not know, because he was not an open man. He did not like to talk about his past. I was a teenager before I found out I had two more half brothers that died when they were children. My half sister told me, not my father. He and my Mother had a tumultuous relationship. As I said, he was a hard man. He used to tell us that "This was a dictatorship, not a democracy," meaning he ruled the roost and no one else had any say. He yelled all the time. He was angry all the time. He was a hard man, who did not know how to love or be loved, until much later in life.

My Mother had a hard life growing up too. Her stepfather beat the hell out of her for breathing wrong, for years, until she finally left home as a teen to live with her grandparents. She was married twice before she married my father. I know very little about those marriages. I just know that they had their problems and the marriages were ended. She did her best, but she, too, has issues with loving and being loved. She was more openly loving than my father, but it was still...different that what was needed.

I was an only child for my mother, and the youngest for my father. My half siblings were grown and almost grown by the time I came along, so I had no real relationship with them, and I do not have a relationship with them now. I have nieces and nephews, even great nieces and nephews, that I have never even met. They had no relationship with my father, and my only sister resented me to no end, so of course I had no relationship with them.

Because I was the only child in the home, I was lonely most of the time. There was only one child in our remote neighborhood, and she was a few years younger than me. She moved away after a few years and I was even lonelier. Because of the way my parents were, I felt the only time I got any attention is when I screwed up and did something bad. As other people who have gone through this will tell you, bad attention is still attention. I started doing many stupid things just so I could feel like my parents knew I existed. My Dad worked all the time, and once I went to school my mom went back to work. From the time I was 12, I was getting myself off to school, taking care of most of the house cleaning, and even starting and later cooking dinner, because they did not get home until after 6 in the evenings. I felt invisible. So to get their attention, I acted out. I caused a lot of problems with my antics. I ran away from home at the age of 15 because I felt so unloved, and so at odds with my father especially. I got into the car wreck that almost killed me during the time I ran away. My parents asked me if I wanted to come home while I was still in the hospital, or did I want to go elsewhere. I went home, and while I healed, both of my parents were amazing. I even went into therapy after that, but even though I poured my heart out to the therapist, and loved her, my father decided I was "pulling the wool over her eyes" and making them look bad. So he stopped me from going after a month or so, maybe two. I was devastated. After I healed, things went back to the way they always were, and I started doing more stupid things. Finally my father told me I either had to live by his rules, or move out. I moved out at the age of 16, with someone I never should have been with. I was so desperate to be loved, that I would do anything, with anyone, to get it, even though I knew in the back of my mind that what I was getting was NOT real love. The only good thing to come from those relationships are my two teens. But, because I was so busy chasing "love," I had my kids taken away from me, which only made it that much worse. I held a lot of animosity towards both my parents for many years. Blaming them for how my life turned out. Later, I shifted most of the blame on to myself, where it belonged, but they still have a part in the blame too, because of the way they did things.

I understand now that they both did the best they knew how, and as an adult who has been through many bad relationships, I understand that marriages are hard work, and the baggage each person brings to the relationship can influence that marriage in untold ways, both seen and unseen. Now I understand that they did not and could not show love in a healthy way because they had no clue how to give it. They never received it. So they loved me the best way they knew how, and I realize that. I love them both very much, and the last 8 or 9 years have been some of the best years I have had with my parents. Although they took my children away from me ( which is one part a good thing and one part a bad thing ) having the kids changed them both for the better. For many years my eldest daughter was the sun and moon to my father. She taught him many things about healthy loving. There were times I was jealous of her, because she got what I so desperately wanted from my parents. Real, visible, healthy love. They were the same way with my son, whom they took when he was five. After that happened, I pretty much stopped caring about anything for a long time. I would do anything to try to feel better, even to the point of almost dying from my recklessness. I did not care. I wanted anything that would fill that terrible gaping void in my soul.

Because of their actions, and my own, I had no clue what healthy love was. I did not know how to get it, or how to give it. I did not even know what it looked like. Dysfunction was the theme of my life, and I made a lot of wrong choices while trying to find healthy love.

Then I met Jack. We had our 9th anniversary on April 4th. Everything changed when I entered into a relationship with him. He was a few years older than me, had a great job, a vehicle, and parents who loved him and helped him when he needed it, even when he made stupid mistakes. ( That changed later but that is a different story that is not mine to tell. ) At the time, I was not speaking to my parents much, we had a falling out not to long before. Jack's father was like my second father. He loved me, and supported me and stood up for me when I needed it most. He will always have a special place in my heart for that. He helped me to understand my parent's side of things, even while validating what I felt. Still, it was not until after Alex was born that real healing began between my parents and myself. I had something in Jack that I had never had before. He truly loved me, and supported me. That is not to say the last 9 years have all been smooth sailing. Two of the last nine years were very shaky, and we actually split up twice. Once for a weekend and once for a day and a half. A lot of that was my fault. He is a very loving person and requires a lot of love. He has had his fair share of bad relationships too. He waited until later in his life to have a child, and he wanted Alex with all of his heart. He is an excellent father, a PRESENT father, not just bodily, but mentally and emotionally as well. That is something my older two kids never had, aside from my father. Due to having them at such an early age, their birth fathers were not ready to have a child, or  be in a child's life, and while that is sad, it was better for the kids.

 My father was the stable father they needed, and my mother was the stable mother they needed. While the hurt of having them taken away from me, and the continued hurt of not having them living with me is still there, I AM grateful to both of my parents for providing the kids with a stable and mostly loving home. They are teens now, and everyone knows that is a volatile period in anyone's life, but for the most part, they are well taken care of. There are some things I do not agree with in the way things are going, but I am unable to do anything about it. So I make sure they both know I love them and will do everything I can to help them if they need it.

Back to my relationship with Jack...he is wonderful. He is gruff and "rough around the edges" to other people, but he is so different at home. He takes care of us, he worries about us, and he always puts us above himself. He is very loving, inwardly and outwardly, and he is not afraid to let the world know how much he loves and cares for us. The issues we have had are mostly my fault, and it is because I had NO clue how to be in a good and functional relationship. I did not know how to be in a relationship where the man was not a drunk or a drug user. I did not know how to be in a relationship where I was not being cheated on, or cheating myself. I did not know how to be in a relationship where I was not being hit or abused. I did not know how to be loved. I did not know how to love. I am much better about it now, but I am still having to work on it. I am so used to keeping people at arms length, so I will not be hurt. It took me many years to realize that by being that way, I was hurting Jack. I was causing this huge rift, not because he was abusive or a terrible husband and father, but simply because I had no idea how to be loved.

Come back tomorrow for part two and find out what I have learned, and how it has changed every single relationship I have.

*I want to add this is not a post bashing my parents. None of us are perfect, and I love my parents very much.  They did the best they knew how, and they helped shape me into who I am today, with both the good and bad things. While their methods were not always the greatest, I appreciate the lessons in life. Part two will talk about that.*

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A little bit of this...a little bit of that.

Howdy folks. Look, it has only been a week since I posted last, woohoo!

The school year is winding ever closer to being over. Part of me is thrilled, part of me is terrified. Jack and I are going to have a hard time finding stuff to keep her entertained this Summer, I can tell already lol. With him being home for at least 3 more weeks, hopefully we can get some beach time and other fun stuff in. They get out Thursday the 31st and I am so looking forward to not having to get up at the ass crack of dawn for a couple of months!

It has been a busy couple of weeks. Last Saturday we went with my two oldest kids and my 15 year old's boyfriend to the lake where said boyfriend lives. It was nice. There was a little party that we were there to basically chaperon, but we had a good time swimming.It is a private lake, only accessed my the homeowners, with a locked gate, and we were the only people there all day.

I have been working on a gift for my Mom and my two older kids. Mom bought..the gifts...and I, along with Perth, have been using our talents to improve said gift. I am being cryptic since my eldest girl sometimes reads my blog, and it would be my luck this would be the one post she sees lol. We are going over tomorrow to give the stuff to them. They will be very happy.

Last week Perth and I decided we would have a cookout. Perth would buy the food and Jack and I would prepare it. Perth and I went food shopping Friday, and Saturday I got up and started prep work. Our menu consisted of Steak, green pepper, onion, and whole mushroom kebabs, Chicken, pineapple, onion, orange and yellow pepper kebabs, fresh corn on the cob, Hawaiian rice, baked potatoes and Parmesan garlic bread. All grilled. Steak was marinated in Jack Daniels steak house marinade, and the chicken was in a Tropical marinade. I also baked a homemade lemon cheesecake. All the food was divine, but I was in the kitchen for 8 hours, not counting clean up later. I enjoy prep work in a kitchen, but by the time it was over, I was almost to tired to enjoy it! Still, it was awesome, and the company was great. We watched the Will Smith movie "Seven Pounds". It was good, interesting, but it left me very confused for most of it. It is very emotionally charged, but it moves very slow, to the point of being frustrated. I am glad I saw it, but I would not watch it again for that fact. Still, it was a good day, with great food and great company.

On a more somber note, my Dad had to return to the hospital last week. His pneumonia came back, and he could hardly breathe or function. He was unable to walk, and he was put on a large dose of oxygen just to be able to get from the bed to his chair, or to the bathroom and back to where ever he was sitting. Mom called me today and told me that he was getting worse, and to prepare myself, because it looked like he might not make it out of the hospital. He was facing a surgery to drain the fluid in his lungs, but he would have to be put on a respirator to breathe for him for a couple of days, and both my parents have a no artificial means to live clause in their wills, as well as a no resuscitation order. So I started the mental process of losing my father...for the second time this year. A few hours later, Mom called me to say Dad called her ( which is saying something as this morning he could not even talk, he could not catch enough air to do so ) and told her that the doctors put him back on his Lasik, I think it is called, which he had been taking for his congenital heart failure for years. It takes fluid from the body, so it does not build up around the heart and lungs. Well, when he was undergoing his cancer treatment, he got very dehydrated all the time, so they took him off of it. As of yet they had not started him back. As basically a last resort, the doc put him back on, he thought MAYBE it would help draw some of the fluid that he could audibly hear bubbling in his lungs out. Dad told my mother that after they put him on it, a few hours later he had to use the bathroom. A bit of TMI here, but he told her that he passed two QUARTS of fluid when he went to go urinate. Two...QUARTS! He said the nurse was stunned. ( They had one of those measuring cup things in the toilet and she had to verify how much he passed each time he had to pee.) A couple of hours after THAT, the doc came in and listened to his lungs and said there was NO more bubbling, and that he was moving air once more. ( Not at full capacity, but much better than he was before the meds. ) So they are going to keep him on that, and run some scans tomorrow and see how that worked. But he told Mom he felt a tiny bit better, and he could breathe just a tiny bit better, so I am hopeful that the Lasik will continue to help him, and with his heart issues, after he stopped the radiation and chemo, in my opinion he should have been put back on the damn stuff to start with! But that is my opinion. 

Jack has his last physical therapy appointment Tuesday, and he goes back to the doctor on the 18th and hopefully they will finally let him go back to work. The physical therapist, who is a dingbat little chick who is about 23, keeps scaring Jack, telling him she does not see how he can ever go back to being a mechanic. She is seriously pissing me off. After every appointment he has with her, I have to talk him down from a near panic when he gets home, and remind him what his SURGEON says, which is that he CAN return to being a mechanic, he will just have to be more conscious of how he moves and bends in the future, and that he is still not back to where he was before the accident, and to give it time. The first doctor said it would take a full year to be back to normal, and it has only been 5 and a half months, and only 3 months since surgery. So I am VERY glad that after Tuesday Jack will not have to see that little twit any more. I have seriously wanted to go talk to her supervisor and tell them to have her do her job but keep her opinions to herself. They were supposed to be encouraging him to return to normal, and helping him to do so, not speculating and scaring the crap out of him. I know she is not being malicious or anything, she is probably not even aware of what she is doing, but I still do not think it is right.

So that is what has been going on around here over the last several days. Nothing much, but busy at the same time lol.

What are you folks out there doing this Summer? Any plans?

Birthday Girls and pink bras.

I missed a day..or was it two? I know, I know, but it has been bat shit crazy here since Thursday. Alex's 7th birthday was Saturday and there has been a lot of preparation going on for that. Normally my Mom handles birthday festivities, as much of a cop out that is, but this year she is having a few health problems that prevented her from making one of her awesome birthday cakes and other things she usually does. I SUCK at party planning, especially birthday parties. Perth and I ran all over town Thursday and Friday, running errands and shopping for gifts and party supplies, ordering the cake, and so on and so forth. I ran into my sister at Wal-Mart Friday and invited her, not expecting her to show as we are not close, but to my surprise and happiness she did.

I did not invite Alex's class to her party, as most moms might do ( Is that a normal thing? Seriously, I suck at this..) but since my house is the size of a postage stamp we always have parties at Mom's and I did not want to drag 15 screaming 6 and 7 year old kids into her house lol. Not to mention other people's kids usually irritate the crap out of me but I digress. 

Saturday, the day of the party, we got up and got ready to go. Here is a pic of the birthday girl:

Then we headed to the store to pick up the cake. Yes, I suck at baking unless it is bread and my cake decorating skills are less than stellar.

The cake slid in the box and messed up the front left corner but it was still cute and tasted great.

Mom made Alex's favorite meal, potato soup and grilled ham and cheese and grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Never tried a grilled PB&J? Try it. It's awesome.

Next it was time to light the candles and sing Happy Birthday. Alex always acts weird when we sing to her.

The guy in the wolf shirt is Perth, and the guy in the background is my oldest daughters boyfriend Carl.

Cake all lit up:

The dude in the background is Jack lol...

After cake it was time for presents!

That is my Dad on the left and my eldest daughter wearing Jack's hat on the right.

That is Perth and my Mom in the pic above.

Pic above is my son Mike...


I took like 100 pics but I am not going to make you load all of them so here are a few more.

Perth again in the pic above...

I love that pic above of my son...

Alex, Mariah and her boyfriend Carl in the pic above...

Perth and Alex above...

My fluffy self from behind and my Mom cutting the cake above...yes my hair is red and black, I dyed my hair with Perth's leftover black on the bottom lol...

My great niece Brooklyn in the above pic. Not only did my sister show up bringing her two granddaughters, ( my great nieces ) her son Tyler, my youngest nephew, came and brought his wife and their son, my great nephew, Tristan. Alex was so happy!

Tristan above, with Brooklyn...

Sarah, Tristan's Mama on the left, Tristan in the doorway and Jade, my step-niece, on the right, playing catch with a balloon..


That sums up the pics for this post, I might post more in a later post.

 It was a really fun day. Alex really enjoyed playing with her little cousins and I was really happy my sister and nephew showed up. Food was great, Alex got a lot of great gifts, and she got to spend the night with her siblings and her Grandma and Papa. I served everyone everything and helped clean up, it was so nice to be at my parent's house and not be in a wheelchair or on crutches! I loved my daughter's boyfriend, it was the first time I got to meet him in person. He was so sweet and respectful and a lot of fun!

I was really nervous since this was the first time I took care of 95% of the party details, and it went off without a hitch and a lot of fun was had. It was a busy weekend!

Now on to the pink bra part of the post lol. I am so excited because next Sunday, the 23rd, Jack, Perth, hopefully my two older kids, Alex, and myself are going to be participating in a 5k walk for breast cancer. I have wanted to do this for ever, and this year the cab company that Jack is a mechanic for is a sponsoring team, so we are all going to walk with the boss Jack likes and is friends with and some of this co-workers, and Jack even gets to be in the parade. The cab company is running a special cab for the month of October, which is a pink cab with the breast cancer logo on it, really cute. Our team is called Breast Friendz and I am so excited to do this I can hardly stand it. You can go here and check out our team page and see the car, and if you wanted to donate a bit towards this great cause, it would be most appreciated. Check out the Breast Friendz Page!

So that sums up where I have been for the last couple of days and why I have been scarce. Lots of fun going on these days, and I am loving it!

Hope you all have a great week!