Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Nothing stays the same...

In my last post I mentioned I had been doing a lot of thinking, and said that I would post about it later. Well, it is later lol..

I am sitting here writing this at my parents house. My mom had to take my father to the hospital with chest pains again. I am hoping it is nothing major.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about my life, and where it is going. While Jack and I still have occasional issues ( no long term couple is without issues ) we are happy, better than we have ever been. This year Alex, my babygirl, will be starting kindergarten, and I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. She is scared and excited at the same time, and so am I. Every Mom goes through that however and it does not worry me much. We will adapt. Once she is settled in school, I will be returning to work, and that causes me some trepidation. I have been at home for 3 years now, and I am not sure what I will do with myself when it is time to head back out. As much as I loved my old job, I do not want to return to it, not to that type of business. Not to mention the horrible economy here, it will be a challenge. But I am excited as well, we desperately need the added income, so there really is no choice in the matter. I will deal with that when the time comes I guess.

Friendship is heavy on my mind as well. I have realized that someone who has been there ( even if they were just..well..there...as in they exist ) almost my entire life is no longer the person I once knew. While this was something I could deal with for a long time, it has recently come to my attention that I can NOT deal with this any longer, as the person I knew and loved is no longer there. I will always love the person they were, always...but the person that is there now is not even a shadow of their former self. It is hard...and saddening, because the biggest portion of my life has been with this person ( and their whole damn family ) in it, and the loss will be keenly felt, because it is like a piece of your being is dying. But there is no longer any common ground, nothing to hold us together other than memories, and I will always have my memories even if that person is no longer here.

Other things about friendship I have come to realize is that I take a lot of shit from people that I do not deserve. Everyone who is in a friendship does this at some point, that is just life, and I am okay with that, I understand it. However, there comes a time when a person is pushed past their limits, when you sit back and realize that things are not balanced. Life happens, there is nothing any of us can do about that. I am not talking about being to busy, or distracted, or sick, or things like that. I am talking about mind games, and childish behavior, and passive aggressive actions. I am not a horrible person. I am a very honest and blunt person, and some people have issues with that, I get it, it does not bother me. Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind. I have a different outlook than most people, and a lot of people think I am stone cold, and do not care about anything, when the truth is I care very much, I just do not show it in the same way, and I do not let my emotions govern my reactions to things if I can help it. I have done my best not to say things out of anger, or from a place of volatile emotions. Nothing good ever comes from that, and a lot of people get hurt that way. Just because I do not show a lot of emotions does not mean I do not have them. After a lot of thinking and reflecting, I have realized that being in a friendship should not mean you have to walk on eggshells around the other person, for either of them. Being in a friendship should not mean you have to silence yourself, about anything. If you can not be yourself with your friends, then why are you friends with them? Being in a friendship means you do not have to pretend to be something your not.Being in a real friendship means that if you have a problem with that friend, then you come to them and you talk the problems out and see if they can be resolved, and if you no longer want to be friends with that person, then I feel that you should have the decency to tell that person " Hey, this is why I feel this is not working out, and therefore I am ending this." It does not have to be face to face or in person in my opinion, this day and age that is not possible sometimes, but at least some type of communication is required in my opinion. I wrote and sent the hardest email I will ever have to write last night and I am still feeling the emotional backlash from that.

I had been putting that email off for years and now that it is done, I realized that my whole outlook on friendships had changed, and what was once acceptable no longer was. I learned that one of my friends was even more of a true friend than I thought, and realized that a couple of others were not. I found myself at an impasse, not wanting to move forward "alone" but knowing that what I was being offered was no longer enough. That old saying " Treat others how you would want to be treated" really rings true for me. I do that. Or at least I try to. I am far from perfect. What is funny to me is one of the prime arguments "friends" have with me is " How would you feel if I just laid it all out there so bluntly and in your face like that?" You know what? I would be FINE with that! That is exactly what I want! But very few people can do that it seems. I guess it is easier to ignore me ( or whoever, I am generalizing here, I do not mean ME in specific ) or make barbed comments towards someone instead of just coming right out and saying it. I used to deal with that, taking it in stride. But you know what? I am done. I give the truth as I see it and feel it, and I deserve the same to be given back to me. I do not need to be coddled or have my hand held in a gentle way. Give it to me straight, give it to me hard and brutal. I will respect you a lot more for speaking your mind than hedging around an issue and trying to be nice and sugar coat it. Other people need that, I know that, but I do not, and it bugs the crap out of me when people think I am not strong enough to handle the truth, no matter what it may be or try to "teach me a lesson" with some passive aggressive bullshit.

Having this set of standards may mean I do not have many friends, and for the first time in my life I am okay with that. The ones that are supposed to be here, will be here. It brings to mind that old thing about people come into your life for a reason a season or a lifetime or something like that, and I have finally realized how true that is. Just because something is not "forever" does not mean that it did not have any value in your life, that the love and emotions you felt ceased to exist. It just means that the purpose they served in your life, or you in theirs, is now over, and it is time to move on to the next phase. Change is hard, but it is necessary. People have came and went in my life, and my love for them is no less than it was at the time it was happening, I just realized ( or they did ) that we outgrew each other, things change and life happens and sometimes who you were going into a situation is not the same person you will be when you come out of it. I used to be angry, and hurt, thinking that I was losing something, and I would never ever have the same feeling again, but I know now that is just not true. I am at peace with the choices I have made, even if others disagree  or do not understand them.

I make mistakes, and 9 times out of 10 I own up to them if I am aware of them. But do not punish me for something I don't even know I did. Do not act like I do not exist, like I never meant anything to you, because that is just not the truth. We may no longer walk side by side, heading down a parallel path. We may now be taking two different sides of the fork in the road, but at one point we walked together, and life was good. Don't spoil the memories by acting like a jerk. Acknowledge the change and respect the relationship for what it was, even if it no longer is. You never know where your new path may lead, it might just curve back around to meet in the middle. I have learned this lesson the hard way.

Nothing ever stays the same, but if it did, we would never learn, never experience growth, never know what it means to love and be happy if there was no loss to make you see the difference. I have realized that I have been blessed with some wonderful people over the course of my life and I love each and every one of them for what they brought into my life, and I really hope that I brought something good into theirs while we shared that time together.


The Computer Connoisseur said...

I wholeheartedly agree, that nothing ever stays the same. Change is the only constant in the universe, and that includes friendships and even family. I think back only a year and I can make a list of the many changes that have occurred in the lives of nearly everyone I know, none of them are the same as they were then. The change (loss) of a friend or colleague or a family member doesn't mean they are gone forever, especially if you still hold dear the things you experienced together, they will always be in your heart.

Thank you for sharing with us such a poignant and emotional message, it is difficult to come to a decision to end a friendship, especially after such a long time, but I also feel that it's the right decision. If a relationship isn't working out, then ending it is often the only way to resolve the problem. In the situations you mentioned, it's finding the courage to speak your mind that ultimately allows both parties involved to find peace, even if one didn't know they didn't have it. Sadly in many instances, we as humans find it impossible to do so, and I admire you for being one who did. You have once again shown us that it is far better to say what you think and feel, rather than say things you do not mean and be things that you are not, because only then can you be happy in being yourself. Bravo!

Unknown said...

First of all...I enjoyed reading your blog...I always do...you are a talented writer...have always thought so...you have a knack of being able to put your thoughts into words elequolenty(sp?) and to a point.
Now...I have been waiting forever...or so it seems...for you to come to this realization. We have drifted out there for awhile...but I think we each knew that if we needed the other...they would be there. Just as I have told you before...follow YOUR path...YOUR gut...YOUR instincts. You have to live in YOUR skin...and only you know how to do that. If a relationship is pulling you down...then it is time to shed it...allowing yourself to grow and learn. We have to much to learn and live in such a short time...why be encumbered by relationships that are all drama and pain and inconsistencies.
Remember and love what you have learned from that person...who knows...somewhere in the future your paths could cross and become entwined again...until then...love and learn...
Donna (WyrdRabbitt

Nydia said...

I can only agree with the Stag Warrior, Fox. It's hard to deal with changes in all levels, but it's the only way to learn, experiencing. I'm sorry you had to go through it all, but at least you were faithful to yourself.

Congrats on your little girl giong to kindergarten! I know first-hand how hard it is too! It was weird and confused for me when Lucas started school, but it was so good for both of us. Here in Brazil they go in the afternoon for four hours a day, and evn thoug, it was not less hard! But she'll grow up a happier child with other children around her, and you'll find yourself again, no matter in which job. I'll be sending my good vibes for you!

I hope your dad is doing well, please keep us posted!

Kisses and love from us.

Magaly Guerrero said...

Life is a turning wheel, isn't it? I hope everything is okay with your dad, I'm putting him in my prayers. And the thing with your babygirl, I'm sure it will be okay like you said. I have no kids, but I remember the first time my nephew went to kindergarten. He cried and held on to my skirt for about 15 minutes. I left weeping like a fool too. I wept again about 6 months later because he was upset because I did not let him walk by himself to school. Go figure.

Oh, friendship, such a rare and tricky thing. I'm at the moment going through some issues with a really good friend who joined a questionable feminist group, which had led her to the conclusion that I'm weak. She is mad because I shave my legs, because I don't scream at people who call me babe and because I don't go yelling "birth control is evil". I see the friendship coming to an end, or at least some drastic changes will take effect and it saddens me. We have been friends for over 17 years...

Well enough sadness. Let in the light! I stopped by to let you know that you have an award at Pagan Culture!