Monday, September 24, 2012

Just rambling...

That is all I am writing today.  Random and rambling thoughts. I have no set topic, I just want to write, and to purge, to make space in my brain.

I changed the blog layout some. I am not finished, but either my computer or Blogger is acting strange, it will not let me implement any more changes. Maybe it was a sign to leave it alone for now, who knows.

I have a few writing projects in the works. I will be participating in NaBloWriMo, which is posting a blog post daily for the entire month of October. I am looking forward to it. Last year got screwed up by me breaking my ankle, so I am hoping this year I will be able to complete the month as planned. I am also participating in the Samhain Siren's project, which I am very excited about. If you click the link there, it will take you to the Facebook page that was created. If you are on FB, please "like" the page so you can stay updated. There is also a blog which is where all the magic will be happening in a little over a week. There will be blog posts, giveaways, music, and much, much more. I am honored to be included in this wonderful group of people.

I also need to do some writing for Planet Buddha, which I have not done in a little while, which I am not happy about. Not happy about not writing, not the fact that I need to write lol. I love it there. As most of you know, this year has been hectic and mostly difficult, and every time I sit down to write, something happens that I have to tend to, and when I do get to sit here, my brain is so tired and weary, I just stare at the blank screen, and the words won't come.

I do not really want to talk about Jack, since every second of every day is all about Jack right now, but there is something I feel the need to purge. Ever since surgery he has hardly slept. Not really due to pain, although there is that, but he just can not seem to stay asleep for longer than 30 minutes to an hour. He has probably gotten 6 or 7 hours of real sleep in an entire WEEK. It is starting to affect his mind and body. He is hearing things, songs, radios playing, where there is no music around. We do not even HAVE a regular radio in the house. His temperament is terrible. He is now always irritated and snappish, and has serious mood swings. He does not do it on purpose, I know that. I can SEE the delusional gleam in his red and weary eyes. He has started throwing up, randomly, and violently.He will get upset over something, which is 1000 times worse than it should be, due to lack of sleep, and suddenly he just runs to the bathroom and projectile vomits. It is terrible. Today I put a call in to his doctor about it, but of course we have to go through that bitch nurse, so who knows when we will hear from them. In the meantime, I dosed him with some of my melatonin. Since it is a natural compound of the body, our brains produce it naturally, I figured it would be safe to give him, it should not interact with his medicine that he is taking. He is still getting up and down today, but he has been laying down for about an hour, I hope he is asleep. Or not, the bedroom door just opened. *Sighs* He just can not seem to stay asleep. I sent him back to bed. Our bedroom is like a cave, I can not sleep when there is any light, and I basically forbade him to turn the TV on in there, so hopefully it will make it easier for him to drift off. I do not know what else to do for him. His body can not heal properly when he is unable to sleep and recover. I am at a loss. Hopefully the doctor can help him.

I am tired myself. So tired. Everything seems to take so much more effort than it should. I feel like I am stuck in mud or quicksand, and the harder I try to fight it and get out of it, the faster I sink. I need a break, but I know there will be none for quite some time.

I have been reading a lot. It keeps me distracted, and helps to keep me sane. I have been reading a lot of memoirs and biography type books, true stories, things like that. I am reluctant to admit it, but I like reading stories of people who have had it worse than me, it makes me feel a little bit better, as selfish as that sounds. It helps to know that there are other people out there, who have nothing to do with my life, that have it rough too. It is somehow comforting.

I guess that is it for now. The words are not flowing anymore, and I am grasping for things to say, so I think I will end here. I hope you all have a great week and a wonderful day.


Anonymous said...

busy lady !!!!!I was having issues trying to redo my blog yesterday , so it was probably a blogger issue...Ill try again later today

TantraWave said...

Dear Bella, this is very upsetting to hear about Jack, your stress must be through the roof. Please let me know if there is anything I could do in my current capability to be of help.

Vickie said...

I read this the other day but didn't have the sense to post an answer. I'm sorry to hear about Jack and will be continuing to send healing to both of you. I've kinda been hesitant to do anything with not feeling well myself. But I'm beginning to feel better and have more strength so I'll be lighting candles and sending out as much positivity as I can.

Feel better real soon, I miss you! And please give Jack gentle hugs from me... <3