Revelations: Part One

No...not the doom and gloom Revelations from the Bible. I have enough of that going on.

I mean personal revelations.

It has been a typical busy and crazy few days. This month has been a better one for me energy wise. I have several projects lined up, and for once, I have had the energy to work on them. I have been working on the dining table I have mentioned, repainted a kitchen wall, rearranged my bedroom ( which has improved our sleep quality so much it is amazing ) and a few other odds and ends.

 I was going to start painting Alex's room this week, but I have been having a flare up for the last couple of days. I still have energy, but my hands and arms are not being cooperative enough. I made a huge mess Monday...I had put the first coat of polyurethane on the table top, and was waiting for it to dry so I could lightly sand it before the next coat ( as the instructions say to do ) and I was making a pitcher of sweet tea. Right after I got the sugar stirred in I had a particularly violent muscle spasm in my arm, and I ended up knocking a gallon of sweet tea off into the floor. When the plastic pitcher hit the floor, the liquid in it EXPLODED everywhere. There was a tidal wave in the floor, and it splashed ALL over the walls, ( that we had just painted the night before ) the table that I had put the poly on not 20 minutes before, the ceiling, the stove, the cabinets, ME. I mean it was terrible. I was so frustrated as I cleaned sticky tea off of the floor and walls and everything...it made a huge mess of the table I was working on, as I could not wipe the spots out, and when I tried to wipe the walls down, the fresh paint which has not cured yet just wipes right off. So I had to repaint the walls, mop up that mess and wipe everything down. I was less than happy. The next day the rain came, and that is a huge trigger for me...so yesterday and today I am just hanging out and taking it easy, as I know until the rain goes away, I cannot rely on my body to do what it is supposed to.

When this happens ( the flare ups, meaning I have to take it easy ) I usually write, or spend time thinking about what to write. I have been having a blockage of sorts however. Not a writers block, as I actually have things I want to share, but a writers guilt blockage. I joined the Pagan Blog Project this year because I wanted to get back in touch with my sense of spirituality, and I thought that writing 4 posts a month on aspects of Paganism would help me do that. I think I managed all of two posts. At first things got a little hectic so I was going to just do a catch up post. I quickly found out that every time I had to come up with something to write about for it, I would stare at the blank web page and then suddenly want to go do anything other than write. I do not know how others may feel...but when I have something that I am supposed to be doing for my writing, and I am not doing it, I do not feel comfortable writing for myself in the blog, because I feel like everyone is watching my posts, waiting for the PBP post that I am supposed to be doing. Guilt sets in, and guilt gets in the way of my writing ANYTHING. My muse sits in the back of my mind and gives me disapproving looks.

So I started looking at it from all angles, as I tend to do. I realized that this was not the project for me, because I am not the kind of Pagan that does all the "pagany" stuff. I have no religion. I don't do the whole Goddess/God worship, I do not cast circles, or do huge rituals and all that stuff. I just do not feel the need to do all of that. I do believe in the sacred feminine, but males are just as sacred in different ways. Divinity is in all of us. WE are the Divine. I feel that all those gods and goddesses are manifestations of human qualities and traits. So if I call on Morrigan, I am not actually calling on a mystical entity..I am calling up the warrior spirit from within myself. I no longer have an altar...I gave my athame to my son. I still have a few "tools" and such, but it is because I enjoy them aesthetically, not because I need to use them to get into that head space to "work." So it was really hard for me to feel connected with the project, because sure, I could regurgitate Witchcraft 101 into 52 blog posts for the year...but it would not be very genuine, because I do not live that type of craft, and it would be something I dreaded doing every week. The project is awesome, and it deserves people who think it is fun and rewarding and will glean something good out of it. What it is does not need is someone who would feel almost like a fraud while writing for it. That is just not the kind of Pagan I am.

*Shrugs*

I still encourage everyone to go check out the Pagan Blog Project. I know a lot of amazing writers who DO practice those types of Paganism, and would have no problem writing about those types of things. One thing that has been awesome is reading all of the other people who have joined the project. I have read some really fantastic posts, even a few surprising ones. The best ones to me are the ones that take something seemingly unconnected to being a Pagan and spin it so that is DOES connect. I could probably do something  like that too, or maybe use the project to try to explain my version of the craft, but to be honest, I no longer feel the need to explain what I do to anyone. I have the same basic, and even advanced knowledge that most of us do, as many of us learn in the same way form the same sources..but what is different is how we each absorb that information and fashion it into the personal experience that being a Pagan is to us. I no longer feel the need to try to "fit in." I have my own set of practices and beliefs, and it works for me, it enriches my life and it makes me happy. At the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters?

I want to use my time studying and learning and growing...and writing about the things that resonate with me. As excited as I was to be a part of this, and as awesome as I still think the whole thing is..I realized that it is just not for me.

I wish the project and those who are participating in it great success! I look forward to reading all the great posts that they all come up with!

Stay tuned for Part Two coming soon!

The Home Stretch... NaBloWriMo Day 25

Here we are, in the last week of NaBloWriMo, and we only have a few days left over at the Samhain's Sirens. My interview with Winston Emerson will be live next week as well.

It has been a very busy month, both online and off. It has been a lot of fun working on all of these projects, and writing everyday has been cool, even as it was challenging to do at times, due to Jack and I constantly injuring ourselves in new and interesting ways each week it seems lol. I told him the other night we needed to invest in a massive roll of bubble wrap, and make suits out of it, so maybe we can stay uninjured for a few days lol.

I was going to enter a couple of writing projects for next month as well...but I have changed my mind over the last couple of days. I need some creative room in my head. There are other personal writing projects that I want to work on, things that I SHOULD have been working on all during the month of October...but didn't. I had so much fun this month, and I am already excited for next year, for NaBloWriMo, and hopefully the Sirens will ask me back...but I need a little break. The personal projects I want to work on involve a slow simmering way of thinking. I need time to mull over things, time to research, time to THINK. I need to have the creative space to not write a single word on any given day if I choose not to. I approached this past month all wrong, but it was mostly because of the things happening in my life that had nothing to do with writing. I had a set plan before I even started the month of October, and life threw that right out of the window, as usual lol. Mice and Men ya'll....Mice and Men.  ( Look it up. )

Anyway, I am both glad and sad to see this month come to an end. Glad, because so far I have made it, because it was so much fun, and I got to interact and become friends with some new and amazing people. Glad because it is almost over, and I get to reclaim that creative spot in my head that needs down time to chew on ideas before something (hopefully) good springs from the dark corners. Glad because I have learned a lot about myself, and what kind of writer I am, and under which conditions I work best, as well as learned that I can adapt to any situation when the need arises.

I am sad for many of the same reasons. I made it, (so far) and I am sad to see it end. I am really sad about the Sirens Project coming to an end, and I am hoping that the people I have met will not disperse into the wind until next year. I am also a little sad because I have gotten used to writing so much, even if the quality is a little less than it usually is. I have written more here in the last month than I have this entire year. So while I may not write daily anymore, I will be posting much more often than I was. Plus, now I have the fan page, which allows me to talk in fairly real time with people..and even though I might not post daily, I WILL be interacting on the fan page daily.

So this month of writing is filled with slightly bittersweet emotions. I have a handful of posts that have been on the back burner in my brain for a month...but they are not the bang out in ten minutes type of posts. I need the creative space to bring them to light, and I STILL have to write for PB...the post I have been stewing over the longest will be posted there. So I am looking forward to having a little breathing room to let the things that have been hiding in the dark see the light of day soon.

We are in the home stretch now...and it is totally possible that I could change my mind again and tackle a writing daily project for next month...but as it stands, it is time for other things, other types of writing. Who knows though....I am finding out that I can take on a lot more than I ever thought I could.

Have a great day everyone!

Ten Things Thursday: 10 Awesome Things That Happened This Week

Good evening everyone!

I bet you thought I would not do this, since I am posting so many other things each day, eh?

SURPRISE!

I almost did not, due to it being so damn late and I am tired...but I still wanted to do it so here I am.

This week I am doing Ten Awesome Things That Happened This Week.

Ready?

1. So. Much. Writing.

Seriously. There is so much writing to be done this month in general, but this week, the start of it all, has been so damn awesome. Add to that the fact I got asked to do an author interview? Psssht. I am so freaking thrilled.

2. Jack is returning to normal

This would have been number one if not for how happy I am about all the writing. Jack has been a total ass due to being in pain and zonked out on mood altering pain meds, lack of sleep, not wanting to eat...it has been terrible. The last couple of days have been so much better. His mind and temperament is returning to normal, even if his body is still healing. The stress is so much less. That means I can function so much better if I am not walking around on eggshells. For real.

  3. Closure

Not to sound morbid or anything, but now that there is a fast approaching concrete date for us to scatter my father's ashes, I feel better. No more will we have that looming over our heads, dragging on. It will all be over and done with, and then we can begin to heal in earnest, and not have this duct tape patch over our hearts, holding us together until we could do this last thing, which is spread his ashes as he wanted.

4. The weather

Even thought the temperature is bouncing around from cool to hot, as is typical for early Fall in Florida, the evenings have been much cooler finally, and I have been able to open my bedroom window at night with a fan stuck in it, drawing the cool air into my room. I have been sleeping so much better. Last night the air was cooler, AND it was raining. I was sleeping SO deeply. It was awesome. I can not wait until the temps stay cooler during the day so I can keep the house open all the time.

5. Bones is back

Fall means that some of my rare TV shows come back. (Rare meaning I hardly ever watch TV, unless it is something to do with Gordon Ramsey..) First to come back is the show Bones, which I adore. I love the characters of that show, they are all so awesome, and I actually think about them when the show is off for the season lol. Oddly enough, I do not care for the books the series is based on at ALL. I do not like that version of Brennan. I like the TV version so much better. Plus, I relate to her...I am a walking textbook at times, ask my friends lol. SO misunderstood *winks*.

6. New friends

I have had the fortune to meet some new people over the last couple of months, mostly through the writing projects that I am a part of, and I am very happy about that. They are awesome people, and I am proud to be associated with them.I look forward to getting to know them even more as time goes on.

7. Fall Food

Aww yeah. Chili, soups, stews, casseroles. I am so happy that there is a nip in the air, because the first thing I want to do is start making hearty things to eat for us. Tomorrow I am making potato, onion and bacon soup for dinner. Alex will be in love, it is one of her favorite meals.

8. Spark

I love this time of year, for many reasons, but the main one is my spark, my fire returns. As the darker half of the year approaches, I feel something inside of me return to life...like a hibernating animal, only I sleep during the hot and miserable days of Summer, and I revel in the cold, crisp nights, and the clear and chilly days. My energy comes back, I have more focus, I want to be busy all the time. These writing gigs came at the perfect time...in the first few days of the awakening, when everything is fresh and new feeling.  I am still sluggish enough to be exhausted by the time bedtime hits, but not long after waking I am full of fire and feeling good. The colder it gets, the better I feel. Until full on Winter hits and I will be shivering and bitching about my ankle, but until then, it will be awesome lol.

9. Books

I have picked up so many kick ass books for my tablet ( or rather, the kindle cloud reader, as I do most of my reading here on the desktop these days ) that I am now totally sure I will never be able to read them all in the rest of my lifetime, but still, every day I go and get more. I am a book whore, which works, since being a book whore and leaving a book review is what got me the gig writing the author interview. Woot!

10. Movies

I have not watched any movies in a while, I just have so much going on I do not have the time or the focus to sit down and watch a whole movie, but we had company over the weekend, and I watched The Avengers ( which was awesome even though I missed a bit in the middle, I had a couple of things to do ) and The Hunger Games, ( which sucked ass; I mean I know most movies never do the book justice, but that movie was terrible ) and it was nice to sit down and chill for a while, and watch a good movie with good company. Jack even sat out here with us in the living room for the first time since surgery. He paid for it later in the pain department, but it was nice to "see" him. I am usually here at my desk, and he is usually in the bedroom, laying down and watching TV or playing his game on the PS3...resting. So it was almost "normal" for a few hours. It was nice.




So there you have it folks. This week has been pretty awesome for me, and now you know why. I am happier and more relaxed mentally, and really busy physically, which is pretty awesome. Now, my writing is FINALLY done for the day, and I STILL have several things to do before I can fall in to bed tonight. But you know what? It is "Friday Eve" ( phrase coined by one of my friends/readers Robin's son ) which means tomorrow is the start of the WEEKEND! This witch is SO sleeping in this weekend! I hope you enjoyed all the posts today, and I will be back dark and early in the morning!

Have a great night folks!

Just rambling...

That is all I am writing today.  Random and rambling thoughts. I have no set topic, I just want to write, and to purge, to make space in my brain.

I changed the blog layout some. I am not finished, but either my computer or Blogger is acting strange, it will not let me implement any more changes. Maybe it was a sign to leave it alone for now, who knows.

I have a few writing projects in the works. I will be participating in NaBloWriMo, which is posting a blog post daily for the entire month of October. I am looking forward to it. Last year got screwed up by me breaking my ankle, so I am hoping this year I will be able to complete the month as planned. I am also participating in the Samhain Siren's project, which I am very excited about. If you click the link there, it will take you to the Facebook page that was created. If you are on FB, please "like" the page so you can stay updated. There is also a blog which is where all the magic will be happening in a little over a week. There will be blog posts, giveaways, music, and much, much more. I am honored to be included in this wonderful group of people.

I also need to do some writing for Planet Buddha, which I have not done in a little while, which I am not happy about. Not happy about not writing, not the fact that I need to write lol. I love it there. As most of you know, this year has been hectic and mostly difficult, and every time I sit down to write, something happens that I have to tend to, and when I do get to sit here, my brain is so tired and weary, I just stare at the blank screen, and the words won't come.

I do not really want to talk about Jack, since every second of every day is all about Jack right now, but there is something I feel the need to purge. Ever since surgery he has hardly slept. Not really due to pain, although there is that, but he just can not seem to stay asleep for longer than 30 minutes to an hour. He has probably gotten 6 or 7 hours of real sleep in an entire WEEK. It is starting to affect his mind and body. He is hearing things, songs, radios playing, where there is no music around. We do not even HAVE a regular radio in the house. His temperament is terrible. He is now always irritated and snappish, and has serious mood swings. He does not do it on purpose, I know that. I can SEE the delusional gleam in his red and weary eyes. He has started throwing up, randomly, and violently.He will get upset over something, which is 1000 times worse than it should be, due to lack of sleep, and suddenly he just runs to the bathroom and projectile vomits. It is terrible. Today I put a call in to his doctor about it, but of course we have to go through that bitch nurse, so who knows when we will hear from them. In the meantime, I dosed him with some of my melatonin. Since it is a natural compound of the body, our brains produce it naturally, I figured it would be safe to give him, it should not interact with his medicine that he is taking. He is still getting up and down today, but he has been laying down for about an hour, I hope he is asleep. Or not, the bedroom door just opened. *Sighs* He just can not seem to stay asleep. I sent him back to bed. Our bedroom is like a cave, I can not sleep when there is any light, and I basically forbade him to turn the TV on in there, so hopefully it will make it easier for him to drift off. I do not know what else to do for him. His body can not heal properly when he is unable to sleep and recover. I am at a loss. Hopefully the doctor can help him.

I am tired myself. So tired. Everything seems to take so much more effort than it should. I feel like I am stuck in mud or quicksand, and the harder I try to fight it and get out of it, the faster I sink. I need a break, but I know there will be none for quite some time.

I have been reading a lot. It keeps me distracted, and helps to keep me sane. I have been reading a lot of memoirs and biography type books, true stories, things like that. I am reluctant to admit it, but I like reading stories of people who have had it worse than me, it makes me feel a little bit better, as selfish as that sounds. It helps to know that there are other people out there, who have nothing to do with my life, that have it rough too. It is somehow comforting.

I guess that is it for now. The words are not flowing anymore, and I am grasping for things to say, so I think I will end here. I hope you all have a great week and a wonderful day.

Ten Things Thursday: 10 Things I am Grateful For.

Today I decided to do a Ten Things I am Grateful For post. Things have been tough here, which I have written about, but there are a lot of things I am very thankful for, and I thought this week I would list them, partially as a reminder to myself that when things get crazy, there are things to hold on to that will get me through.

1. Family

Both blood and chosen, I am so grateful for my family. Jack is my rock and the kids are my world, they are the reason I get up every day, the reason I keep trying, when sometimes I just want to run away or sleep it all away. I am thankful my Mother still walks this Earth, even if we do not always get along. I am thankful that the last eight years with my Dad were so good before he passed. I am so thankful for my chosen family, my friends, my adopted brothers and sisters. The ones who give me their unwavering love and support, even when I am moody and grumpy, or weepy and hopeless, or stressed out and pulling my hair out. Without them, and their love, support, encouragement, and assistance, I would be lost.

2. My home

I do not have a very large and glamorous house, but I have a comfortable home. We are not rich, or drive a fancy vehicle, but our truck is reliable and gets us where we need to go. We do not have a lot of money, and a lot of the time we have to scrape up enough to make ends meet, but at least we have those things. So many are without homes and vehicles and enough food to eat, and while times can be tough, we have those things, and I am so thankful for that.

3. The Internet

I know it may sound frivolous or cheesy, but without my net I would probably go insane. It is how I talk to my friends, it is how I write, it is how I learn and stay informed, and it is how I stay entertained. My life would be much more lonely and boring without the internet.

4. Writing and Blogging

I am thankful I have the ability to write. To release, to inform, to make people laugh, to be a part of different communities because of my writing. I have met some of the most amazing and dear to me people due to me being able to string together cohesive sentences in my little corner of the internet. Writing is like breathing to me; vital, important, and necessary.

5. Alex's Amazing School and Teachers

Alex is in a small Charter School, and I am so in love with it. It is small and dedicated to it's students. It is a Science and Art focused school, which is perfect for the creative soul that Alex is. Her teachers are all totally amazing, and they go out of their way to make sure Alex and the other students get the attention they need to truly be successful, and I feel it is because of them that Alex loves school so much. I am so thankful for them.

6. Books

I am a bookworm, and books have been my friends when there was no one around. I have read books that literally changed my life, and some that may have even saved it. Books make me happy, they fill me up, and now, in the digital age, I have more books on my computer and other devices than I can probably read in what is left of my lifetime, but I still add more daily. Books are like my children, precious and needing love. I am thankful that I love to read, and have so much material to work with.

7. Food and Cooking

This one ties into the home one in a way, as I am glad we finally have enough food to eat, but it goes beyond that. I love to cook, and I enjoy food. It engages all of my senses, and the act of cooking grounds me and I am in an almost zen state when I am in the kitchen working on a recipe. Nothing makes me feel more accomplished than when I have made a recipe that everyone loves. If I were to win a Pulitzer one day, the truth is, if you told me my dinner last night was the most amazing thing you have ever eaten, it would probably make me three times as happy as winning the award lol.

8.Love

Again, it may sound cheesy, but I am the woman who felt for most of my life that I was not good enough, that no one would ever really love me for who I am, instead of who they think I should be. I have been through a lot of pain because of a lack of love, and it colored my whole life, so now, that I am surrounded with love and acceptance, it is a miraculous thing to me. I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, a few solid family members, and the most AMAZING friends that anyone could ever ask for. They are all so diverse and intelligent and talented. Luckily they seem to feel the same way about me, so the fact that I am surrounded by love, and can finally give love in return, makes me feel that my life is so much richer because of it.

9. Being able to roll with the flow

This year, ( and others in my life ) have been tough, but I think I have gotten pretty good at riding the waves in the ocean of my life. There have been times I felt I would drown in the turbulent seas, but so far I have been able to keep my head above the water, and I am proud of that fact. Being bi-polar and prone to fits of depression and apathy, it would be rather easy just to sink beneath the waves and stop fighting, and to be honest I have considered it more than once. Something in my spirit will not let me do that though. It commands me to fight, to reach the surface once more, to keep trying to reach the shore. In my past, the easiest way to deal with my problems was to run from them, pick up and start over, instead of trying to fight for what I had.  I am thankful that I have the will to stand my ground now, to dig in my heels and push back when life starts trying to engage me in a shoving match. I am so much stronger and so much more whole than I used to be. Now, with the love and support I have, not only from my friends and family, but FOR MYSELF, I feel that I can get through anything.

10. You

That's right. You. The one sitting here reading this. I am so grateful for YOU. Each and every one of you, that come here and share my world with me. You have laughed with me, some of you have even cried with me. You have shared in my triumphs and have felt sympathy for my despair. I write for myself, meaning even if no one ever read a word I have written, I would STILL write...but you...knowing you ARE here, reading my words, helps me to feel connected to something so special. Some of the closest people in my life I have met right here, through this blog. I have been given so many wonderful opportunities because of you. So today...while I am thankful for you all every day....today I am especially grateful that you are all here, and are a part of my life. You make my world a richer place to live in. Thank you.

First post over at Planet Buddha!

As I mentioned before, the awesome folks over at Planet Buddha asked me to be a contributor to their blog, and I accepted. My first post is up over there, so feel free to check it out HERE and show some love if you feel so inclined ;)

See ya there!

Time to get serious...

I have some exciting news to report. I was approached by the wonderful people over at Planet Buddha a couple of days ago about joining their blog as a regular contributor. I agreed and will be posting over there very soon, so be sure to check them out, and follow along.

I will be honest, after the initial feeling of excitement, I was hit with a mind numbing fear. Would I be good enough? Will people want to hear what I have to say there? Would I fit in? Lucky for me, I have a wonderful support group, and the people at Planet Buddha are totally awesome, so I am feeling less afraid and the excitement is coming back.

I have had this sense that something was coming for a while now, but of course I figured it was something bad, since that is how it usually works. It seems that I was wrong, and it turned out to be something wonderful. It got me to thinking though...I love writing, and I want to be a "real" author more than anything. However, it occurred to me that the current path I was on, the mind set I had, would never allow that to come in to fruition. I love my blog, and writing, but I was not taking myself very seriously as a writer. My writing was important to me, but it was not IMPORTANT to me...if that makes sense. It was a hobby. Sure, we probably all start out that way, but until we buckle down and get serious about ourselves, and our writing, chances are we will never get very far. I have to stop treating it as a hobby, and start treating it as a stepping stone to achieve my dream.

I am the "Neutral One" in my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have strong opinions, but for the sake of diversity and not wanting to rock the boat, I keep them to myself, let everyone have their say and believe how they want to believe, and go on with my day. I am having to teach myself that I can still be that person, only it is okay for me to voice my thoughts about things. I am going to have to "find my voice", as so many have told me recently.

My wonderful friend Luna posted something on my personal Facebook page a few days ago that really changed the way I looked at myself as far as my writing was concerned. It was called The Six Steps to World-Changing Writing, and I encourage you all to click the link and check out the free PDF file available there.

I am a great writer, but to be an "excellent" writer, I have to learn that my voice matters. My opinion is valid, even if others may not agree with it. I have to learn how to break out of the safe zone I have in the writing world, which is sticking to writing about my life. My day to day life is very important, but the truth is, I have so much more inside of me, begging to come out, that has nothing to do with what goes on here at home, or with my parents or children or husband. I have to realize it is okay to be afraid, but it is not okay to keep silencing myself, or restricting myself to just writing about my every day life. I am important, and my writing is important, and I am never going to get any closer to my dream until I start acting like it.

This new writing opportunity may seem like not much of a big deal to some, but to me it is HUGE, and instead of squashing down my excitement and downplaying its importance and significance in my journey, I am going to let myself relish and enjoy it. This is the next step in my journey, and I can not wait to see where it will lead me next.

I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to the people at Planet Buddha for giving me this wonderful opportunity, and I look forward to working with them.

Buckle in folks, shit's about to get real!

Heeding The Call.....

The past few months have been a strange time for me.

I have been feeling the "call" to do some things that I would not normally do. Years ago I felt the "call" from the Goddess, and followed her willingly. Over the many years since then, I know I have been guided by her wisdom in a lot of life situations.

However, over the last few months these "callings" are becoming more and more frequent, louder, and more odd, from my point of view.

One of the setbacks for my entire life is I am (was, as I am getting out of it finally through some fierce determination ) a horrible procrastinator. If it could be done later, you can bet I would not do it until I HAD to. It is not until the past couple of years that I have really started to address this issue, and make steps to better that part of my life. I always did what needed to be done, but the lesser things I would put off until I had no choice but to do it.

Now, while I am not always bursting with energy to do it, I am much more diligent about getting things done and out of the way so I can do more enjoyable things. I also find that if I DON'T do these things in a timely manner, it starts to really bother me, and I find I can not think about anything else or relax until I get it done.

I have wanted to be a writer from a very young age. Because of the choices I made as a teen, which shaped my life forever, I felt like I missed the chance for that dream to ever come true. It was hard to pull out of the whirlpool...the downward spiral...that my life choices had sucked me in to. I have Jack and Alex to thank for that, because without them, I probably would have let the spiral take me. I was tired of fighting, tired of swimming against the current. Lucky for me, Jack got one of HIS callings at that time in his life, and that calling led him to me. For better or for worse, and believe you me, we have been through both....

But I digress...

I thought my chance to be a writer were over. Then I was fortunate enough to receive the physical embodiment of my muse in the form of my now best friend, Maia. She is the one who rekindled my love of writing. She is the one who encouraged me to start a Live Journal, which was the doorway to here, and then she was the one who kept kicking me in the ass to start my blog, because she knew I would keep agonizing over it, and fiddle fart around and keep putting it off. I could very easily turn this into a post about how wonderful she has been in my life, but that is another entry worthy of its own focus lol.

 Last year about this time I had written some poems and the start of my Memoirs of a Crazy Witch series, which I amazingly had published by Authspot.com. I posted there for a few months but it was not exactly what I was looking for. I went back to my LiveJournal for a while but it is private, and only a couple people could see it, and I talked to those people all the time so it seemed rather pointless. So I stopped writing at all for a while. Maia then started kicking me in the ass again, and in addition to her, I was talking about it with another friend, who was just as encouraging as she was, and finally I bit the bullet, swallowed my fear and here I am today, with a slew of posts and 51 followers I never thought I would have. Pretty awesome stuff.

That was Calling Number One.

I have been a smoker for the better part of 16 years. With the exception of when I was pregnant and then breastfeeding, I smoked. My parents smoked ( back then anyway, my mom quit about 6 years ago and dad quit a few months ago ) all my parents friends smoked, most of my friends were older than me, and several of them smoked. ( I know I am just adding fuel to the "Children are more prone to smoke when then have parents who smoke" campaign but for what it is worth, they had nothing to do with why I started smoking, and I think it is a personal choice. My parents did not shove a cig in my mouth, and most other parents do not either. In fact I was still hiding the fact I smoked from my dad when I was 19 years old!! )

Anyway, smoking was just part of my life. I did not want to quit. I enjoyed it. But starting around my birthday this year, which was in May, I started enjoying it less and less. I saw that I was starting to smoke because I was bored, and it was something to do with my hands. I did not feel the need to smoke anymore, but did out of habit. Then I saw the only time I smoked was when I was sitting here at the computer, and waiting for my archaic dial up to load pages, which at times takes forever. I never smoked anywhere else in the house, and would flip out of a cig was taken into either of  the bedrooms. We have 4 big time air purifiers, but she smell was still bothering me. So I started smoking less and less. Other people smoking ( Mainly Jack ) started to really irritate me, and I hauled a fan out to sit here and blow smoke right back at him, away from me. (Which I still do lol ) Finally, July 1st, 2009 I smoked my last cig. I then came down with the friggen swine flu for the next almost 3 weeks, so smoking was not much of an option anyway since I was doing my best not to cough my lungs out of my body. That was brutal. I have never been so sick in my life. ( For those interested, I did NOT take conventional Big Pharm Meds, I did NOT get vaccinated or get a flu shot, and I never will...*kicks soap box back under the table*)

I have been tempted a couple of times, usually when I was extremely agitated, but I have not caved. I am fast approaching my 4 month mark and I can tell you I don't miss it anymore. Jack still smokes, and it irritates the hell out of me, but he is an adult and it is his choice, not mine. But he has smoked less around me which is nice. It was a hell of a lot easier than I expected, and I have tried to quit before...unsuccessfully...

That was Calling Number Two...

Next in line is Yoga. I am still working on this one. I am a fluffy chick, with body pain issues, so I am still in the research phase of this one, other than doing a few stretching poses. I do not have the money for a dvd or anything, much less a class, so I am using the internet to learn. But it is a calling because all of the sudden it was in my face every where I turned. The blogs I follow, the stuff I saw on TV, and things that would catch my attention on the Net..all yoga yoga yoga....so I am working on that one..

That was Calling Number Three....

The most recent one came in the form of another passion of mine, Herbalism.  Always drawn to it, it is a self study thing. No formal training, just a passion for the knowledge and putting it all into practice when I could to see the results for myself. I had let is slide a bit ( okay a lot ) in the past year, because I went through one of those " Dark Nights of the Soul", only mine lasted for most of a year. I turned away from most aspects of the Craft, ( not in favor of any other path, I was just at a standstill, and refused to walk down ANY path ) and my herbalism studies were caught in the crossfire. The last couple of months have really started me back down my path in general, and my herbs have jumped back out into the front over the last couple of weeks. I did not get to grow any this year, my seedlings drown twice in the freak monsoons we had this summer, and I don't have a good place to start them indoors, so after I lost the second batch I was so discouraged I did not try again. I think it is to late in the season to start anything, but I am gearing up for next year which is a good thing.

I guess I could lump all these into one "calling", which is to make myself healthier and to rekindle my passions in life, but I am a very analytical person, and I have looked at these things above from many different angles. I have never felt more open and receptive than I have as of late, and it seems that the Universe is seriously downloading some major info into my brain, and I love it.

It gets a little dark from here...and some will not like it, but you should all know by now I am a blunt person...

On the downside of things..although not for me, for them...it has also made me look at the people in my life, and I have gone through a weeding process. I had a talk with a friend a while back about Psychic Vampires, and how I felt surrounded by them at times. Not the evil ones who do it on purpose. I am talking about the needy, whiny, clingy and perpetually dramafied people that like to attach to me. Other people I have talked to about it, who know more on it than I do, say it is because I am a strong person, and it is a known fact that weaker people are drawn to stronger ones..( their words, not mine ) I agree with that to a degree. Not that I am saying I am better than anyone, quite the opposite, since I have a lot of demons of my own, but as cold and logical as I am, I still try to be nice to everyone, and be helpful when I can, but there comes a point when you just can't handle these Psi Vamps anymore. I was exhausted, no energy, all I seemed to see or read about from these people is how horrible it is and how their life has no meaning, no one understands them, woe is me crap. However, these people have several people trying to reach out to them, but they can't stop moaning about how horrible things are to see it, so those people eventually stop trying. I am a dark person, and these emotions do not usually bother me a bit, so when I talk to you and you depress ME, something is wrong, and I can't deal with that all the time, especially when I am being hit with SEVERAL of these someones at the same time. It was just to damn stressful. Helping a friend through a hard time, or being an ear to just listen is one thing. When this goes on for over an ENTIRE YEAR, I just have to say sorry and distance myself. In those cases, these people need more help than I can give, and it was dragging me down mentally, physically and spiritually to continue to try. In some of the cases, I stopped speaking to them entirely, and removed them from my life, got rid of them on the social networks if they were on there, and basically fell off the face of the earth to them. Some of the reasons for this was they started creating drama in MY life, and I am in a really good place right now, and refuse to let anyone fuck it up like I have done in the past. Others, whom I still care about, but need to have barriers of sorts right now while I work on myself, I have just distanced myself, talk less, things like that.  Still others I have reached out to, only to have it ignored or flung back in my face, and I said to hell with it, you can sit there and be miserable and lash out but I don't have to put myself out there to get stepped on anymore. There is no reason for ME to suffer just because your bf/gf/hubby/wife/ex/best friend/boss/mom/dad/etc is a total and complete jerk. I am sympathetic until you start treating me like crap because of it. So for any of you who still read my blog, yet I have unfriended or drawn away from...sorry, I really am, but your just to much of a drain on me, and my family and myself come first now, instead of everyone else's problems first, and ours last.

Well now that everyone thinks I am a bitch...( oh I know there were one or two of you who still thought I was sweet an innocent, admit it! LOL...) I am going to close. I prolly should have put that last part into a separate post, but it was because of my callings that I did what I did, so I felt I should put it here instead.

Thanks for reading!

*Music of the Moment: Hair of the Dog by Guns N Rosesr*

More Awards and a rant of sorts...

For those of you who do not like or see the point in blog awards, or my opinion about them, feel free to skip this one lol...

Last night and today I got two more awards, one from Rowan and one from Mother Moon, which can be seen in my side bar. I want to thank both of these lovely ladies for bestowing me with a bit of sunshine to my mind over the last couple of gloomy and rainy days.

I guess now is the time to throw my two cents in about blog awards. Some people find them bothersome for whatever reason they have ( and they are all valid and good reasons mind you ) and let's face it, we ALL have our pet peeves, even in the blog world. Mine happens to be commercialism. Nothing wrong with it by itself, money is money honey, but as far as I go, if I have to wait 20 minutes for your page to load because of all the ads and crap on it, I am not going to linger there and really check you out like you deserve, because even as big of a multi-tasker as I am, unless your title or synopsis in my reader or dashboard REALLY caught my eye, I am not going to bog my machine down trying to load it you know?

Anyway, about the blog awards. I do not write so I can receive awards, I write to fulfill a personal need. However, because I do write in a public form, the fact that people who read me, even perfect strangers, like what they read enough to think of me for these awards is a honor. I may or may not "pass it on", but if I do, it is not because I want to annoy the person with blog clutter, it is because their blog is something that I enjoy, and it moves me or speaks to me in ways that I would like to let others know about, and let the author or authoress themselves know how much I appreciate and enjoy their work. Because even if you do not want or require the praise or acknowledgment, it still gives one a sense of satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment, even if only for a fleeting second, to know that someone out there liked what you wrote enough to give you props for it.

On one hand I guess it is a good thing that this topic has come up in so many blogs, because at least you know who not to send them to anymore right? LOL. Kidding....

Seriously though, everyone's opinion is as valid as the next persons, so its all good. I just want to let the people who have or ever will send me an award know that  I have been and will be SO grateful and appreciative and a little humbled each time....

Hell, if nothing else, this topic is sort of like a writing prompt if you look at it. Even people who do not post much has sounded off about this, some for it, some against it. Writing is gooooood.

*Music of the Moment: Novocaine For The Soul by Eels*