Revelations: Part One

No...not the doom and gloom Revelations from the Bible. I have enough of that going on.

I mean personal revelations.

It has been a typical busy and crazy few days. This month has been a better one for me energy wise. I have several projects lined up, and for once, I have had the energy to work on them. I have been working on the dining table I have mentioned, repainted a kitchen wall, rearranged my bedroom ( which has improved our sleep quality so much it is amazing ) and a few other odds and ends.

 I was going to start painting Alex's room this week, but I have been having a flare up for the last couple of days. I still have energy, but my hands and arms are not being cooperative enough. I made a huge mess Monday...I had put the first coat of polyurethane on the table top, and was waiting for it to dry so I could lightly sand it before the next coat ( as the instructions say to do ) and I was making a pitcher of sweet tea. Right after I got the sugar stirred in I had a particularly violent muscle spasm in my arm, and I ended up knocking a gallon of sweet tea off into the floor. When the plastic pitcher hit the floor, the liquid in it EXPLODED everywhere. There was a tidal wave in the floor, and it splashed ALL over the walls, ( that we had just painted the night before ) the table that I had put the poly on not 20 minutes before, the ceiling, the stove, the cabinets, ME. I mean it was terrible. I was so frustrated as I cleaned sticky tea off of the floor and walls and everything...it made a huge mess of the table I was working on, as I could not wipe the spots out, and when I tried to wipe the walls down, the fresh paint which has not cured yet just wipes right off. So I had to repaint the walls, mop up that mess and wipe everything down. I was less than happy. The next day the rain came, and that is a huge trigger for me...so yesterday and today I am just hanging out and taking it easy, as I know until the rain goes away, I cannot rely on my body to do what it is supposed to.

When this happens ( the flare ups, meaning I have to take it easy ) I usually write, or spend time thinking about what to write. I have been having a blockage of sorts however. Not a writers block, as I actually have things I want to share, but a writers guilt blockage. I joined the Pagan Blog Project this year because I wanted to get back in touch with my sense of spirituality, and I thought that writing 4 posts a month on aspects of Paganism would help me do that. I think I managed all of two posts. At first things got a little hectic so I was going to just do a catch up post. I quickly found out that every time I had to come up with something to write about for it, I would stare at the blank web page and then suddenly want to go do anything other than write. I do not know how others may feel...but when I have something that I am supposed to be doing for my writing, and I am not doing it, I do not feel comfortable writing for myself in the blog, because I feel like everyone is watching my posts, waiting for the PBP post that I am supposed to be doing. Guilt sets in, and guilt gets in the way of my writing ANYTHING. My muse sits in the back of my mind and gives me disapproving looks.

So I started looking at it from all angles, as I tend to do. I realized that this was not the project for me, because I am not the kind of Pagan that does all the "pagany" stuff. I have no religion. I don't do the whole Goddess/God worship, I do not cast circles, or do huge rituals and all that stuff. I just do not feel the need to do all of that. I do believe in the sacred feminine, but males are just as sacred in different ways. Divinity is in all of us. WE are the Divine. I feel that all those gods and goddesses are manifestations of human qualities and traits. So if I call on Morrigan, I am not actually calling on a mystical entity..I am calling up the warrior spirit from within myself. I no longer have an altar...I gave my athame to my son. I still have a few "tools" and such, but it is because I enjoy them aesthetically, not because I need to use them to get into that head space to "work." So it was really hard for me to feel connected with the project, because sure, I could regurgitate Witchcraft 101 into 52 blog posts for the year...but it would not be very genuine, because I do not live that type of craft, and it would be something I dreaded doing every week. The project is awesome, and it deserves people who think it is fun and rewarding and will glean something good out of it. What it is does not need is someone who would feel almost like a fraud while writing for it. That is just not the kind of Pagan I am.

*Shrugs*

I still encourage everyone to go check out the Pagan Blog Project. I know a lot of amazing writers who DO practice those types of Paganism, and would have no problem writing about those types of things. One thing that has been awesome is reading all of the other people who have joined the project. I have read some really fantastic posts, even a few surprising ones. The best ones to me are the ones that take something seemingly unconnected to being a Pagan and spin it so that is DOES connect. I could probably do something  like that too, or maybe use the project to try to explain my version of the craft, but to be honest, I no longer feel the need to explain what I do to anyone. I have the same basic, and even advanced knowledge that most of us do, as many of us learn in the same way form the same sources..but what is different is how we each absorb that information and fashion it into the personal experience that being a Pagan is to us. I no longer feel the need to try to "fit in." I have my own set of practices and beliefs, and it works for me, it enriches my life and it makes me happy. At the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters?

I want to use my time studying and learning and growing...and writing about the things that resonate with me. As excited as I was to be a part of this, and as awesome as I still think the whole thing is..I realized that it is just not for me.

I wish the project and those who are participating in it great success! I look forward to reading all the great posts that they all come up with!

Stay tuned for Part Two coming soon!

B is for Balance: Pagan Blog Project Week 3

Good Friday afternoon everyone! I know I missed the second week of the "A" period, but the last week and a half has been pretty hectic for me, and I was not in the right frame of mind to write. I may do a catch up post about it. This week is all about the letter B, and I chose the topic of Balance, as it is something that I will be working on this year, not only mentally, emotionally and physically, but spiritually as well,  so it pertains to my being a Pagan.

As anyone who has known me for longer than five minutes can tell you, I am a very logical person. Emotions bother me, even good ones. I do not know how to handle them properly, and  because of that, I rather deal with the cold, hard facts, as those are irrefutable, and there is nothing to guess at. This is the way it is, and that is that, so to speak.

This has been fine for the most part, it has served me well, and in fact has actually been a lifesaver of sorts. While it is true I was not overcome with joy about much, at the same time I was not afflicted with soul crushing despair either. As I age, I find that I can no longer be as detached and strictly logical as well  as I used to. This is scary and slightly annoying at the same time, because I am so ill prepared to deal with these emotions that will no longer be ignored. Last year was one of the hardest in my life, with so many heart wrenching events taking place, and because I had no idea how to process and deal with them, I was nothing short of a wreck. I was afraid to speak out loud to people, not only because of my nerve/stutter issues, but because it was very likely I would burst into tears for no reason. I think I have been fighting tears over everything for a year now. It does not matter if it is good news, bad news, a commercial on TV, a song playing..I dropped a spoon or something, it causes me to start crying  my eyes out. I felt like I was going insane. Jack was pretty sure I was going insane as well, and he always seemed to be looking at  me like he was afraid I would break down. It is tough.

I let my sense of spirituality pretty much die off in the last year as well. I felt so alone, and like there was nothing divine out there, because if there were, how could the Universe take my Father away from me? How could it leave us with such a massive loss in our lives? How could I believe in anything good when I was being hit with one bad thing after another? It is one thing to roll with the punches, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, but in reality, something can hit you hard enough to knock your ass out. I was angry and bitter, sad and distraught. I laughed so rarely, that when it did happen, I would literally choke on it, and start coughing. It was as if my body could not remember how to laugh, and treated it as something foreign.

I went from being logical and detached to a blubbering mess. I was at the total opposite end of the spectrum.

I can no longer function this way, so I have to achieve some sort of balance. I have to learn how to process the emotions, to let myself feel them, and to get past them. I want to be happy about things. I want to feel satisfied. I have been cleaning like mad, flitting around from task to task, almost as if I were in a manic episode. Yet nothing I did satisfied me. I could not sit still. I was always doing something, but there was no sense of accomplishment at the end of it. Nothing felt "done." That will cause a burnout very quickly.

I have realized that being unable to "feel" anything in a healthy way has directly affected my spirituality. The more I spiraled out of mental and emotional control, the more I felt my sense of spirituality recede. After stepping outside of myself to try to gain a little perspective, I remembered that the Universe ( or whatever form of divinity you subscribe to ) is not going to magically fix all my problems for me. I have to do the work myself, taking the initiative, putting forth the effort, and the Universe will respond and make sure that those efforts are supported. Being out of balance causes me to feel lonely and removed from everyone. I am no longer willing to let myself feel that way day after day.

I understand that my natural defense mechanism is to retreat into logic to shut out the emotions because that is part of what is making me uncomfortable. What I have to learn is to not do that, to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel...even if that means letting myself be hurt or disappointed. I have also come to understand that is easier to let myself feel "bad' emotions, such as hurt,sadness or some sort of pain, then it is to allow myself to feel "good" emotions, such  as happiness, joy, elation, excitement, desire and things like that. The only "good" emotion I have no trouble with is love. It was not always this way, but now I have no problem telling the people I care about that I love them, and mean every bit of it. Even more so after losing  my Dad. I would give just about anything in this world to be able to see him in front of me so I could hug him and tell him just how much I loved him, and always have, even when we were not always getting along.

So one of my goals for this year ( and well beyond I am sure ) is to try to work on achieving a more balanced life. That means finding balance between emotions and logic, work and rest, spiritual and secular, alone time and social activities ( hint: the problem will be social activities. 99% of my friends are online due to location ) and everything in between. As a bi-polar person, I know from experience that ping ponging all over the place is not a good thing, which is one of the reasons I kept myself so locked down for so many years, but apparently it is time to change that, and learn how to process instead of pretending they don't exist.

I will be making a schedule for myself, which may sound strange as I am at home all the time, but I still have work to do here, and I as I intend to work on my spiritual studies and try to write more, if I schedule the time for that, it should be easier to stick to, in theory. That also means less time on Facebook. I would never stop totally, as that is how I communicate with most of my friends and family, but these time sucker games and whatnot will be taking a backseat. I will play them for relaxation, not all day or night, making it feel like a job, and one with no payout to boot. Housework, cooking, writing, studying...they may not pay anything monetarily, but I still have something to show for them. They serve a greater purpose.

People might not like my new schedule, and my new plans, but I have to do this for ME, and indirectly for my family.

So there you have it. Do you have a good balance in life, or are there things you need to work on? Do you have a hard time with certain aspects of your life? Tell me about them!

As a side note, today would have been my Father's 70th birthday, and it is the first one he has not been here for. This is basically the last of the "firsts" of the first year after losing someone. I have been through the first father's day, the first holiday season, and now the first birthday since his passing. I pray it gets easier from here. I love and miss you Daddy. Happy Birthday.

Pagan Blog Project 2013 Week 1: A is for Anticipation

Anticipation is not exactly a Pagan word, but for me it is a good summary word of how I feel about the coming year for this project and many other things in my spiritual life. Things are changing so much, in all realms of my life. I find myself in a constant state of anticipation.

I admit I almost forgot today was the start of Pagan Blog Project and I also admit I was not prepared for today. Yesterday was an odd one for me, watching someone else's small child, and I still feel like I am recovering lol. I will be better prepared next week.

I am excited, as this is not something I have ever done before, and as it is not daily, but weekly, I feel it will be easier to manage for me.

This year will be one in which I try to deepen my sense of spirituality. I have learned about a new path recently, one that most of the world considers taboo and evil, but it is not, and while there are similarities, it is not exactly for me. Especially if the people in that path all mostly act like one of the two people I know who follow that path. I do not care what your belief system is, but if all you can do is ridicule others about their choices and beliefs, then I do not want you in my life.

There is no path that I know of that fully describes how I feel and what I believe in. I am still very much eclectic and I do not fit in a cute little box tied up with a pretty ribbon.

Last year, I let my sense of spirituality fall by the wayside, in a time I probably needed it most. Since that year is over, I feel a heightened sense of anticipation to open myself back up to it. I am not sure if I will write about my journey, as it is a deeply private one, but I might from time to time. I am not sure yet.

I am going to close, for this first post.

I am very much anticipating continuing to work on the Pagan Blog Project, and seeing what the rest of the year brings!