It has been a long, odd, week. My new walking partner, Vicky, took a temp job for a couple of weeks, which I knew was coming. What I did not know was that her girlfriend Stephanie would be on vacation, and decide she wanted to go with me. Now there is nothing wrong with that, I like her too, but I like Vicky more, she has a similar personality. Staph is kind of dry so to speak. Not to mention she is not all that in to exercise lol.
We walked together Monday and Tuesday, and I ended up not going Wednesday, because my left leg ( my bad knee leg, the one I have had a few surgeries on..) was killing me, and I knew I needed to rest, even though I was eat up with guilt all that day. Staph went back to work today, and I was supposed to watch her two younger kids for a couple of hours this morning until they got on the bus, because Vicky was to be at work at 5 AM and Steph at 4:30 AM. They were supposed to come over yesterday afternoon to confirm and to tell me what time they were going to be here. They never showed. I still expected them to come over this morning. They never showed. When I took Alex to the bus stop at 7:30, I saw one of the kids in the window of their house, so I assumed they had just gotten someone else to come over and watch them. I went on my walk, alone, and when I got to my normal stopping point, I still felt good, and I wanted to make up for not going yesterday, so I walked all the way to the pavement ( the road is really long, and half of it is paved, half of it is dirt ) and back, which is just under 5 and a half miles round trip.
I made my goal! I expected to start easing my way towards the pavement this week, but Steph was more than ready to go home when we reached the bridge, so I just put it off. Today I went on and it was wonderful. It actually got easier to walk as I crossed the bridge, the dirt was more hard packed, and less soft sand, and it is more open, since as you go that way it opens up into neighborhoods. I was happy I was alone, I got to go at my own pace, fast when I wanted, and slower through the sand. I felt great when I got home, I did not hurt like I usually do when I walked with one of them. I do not mean the " Oh we are using muscles more so it is natural to be sore" type hurt, I mean the " Omg I pulled something, I can not walk without being in agony something is wrong" type of hurt.
I am not sure what the deal with Vicky is, since I found out later it was she who was home. I do not know why they did not come over, even if it was to tell me they found someone else or that Vicky would be home. It might have to do with the fact that Steph came in Tuesday to use my phone, and of course I have a good sized pentacle painting and my pentacle altar cloth on my entertainment center. She had Vicky's 12 year old daughter with her, who kept asking me questions about them. Steph made a beeline for the door when she got off the phone, so for all I know I am now the evil devil worshiper to them or something. Or it may be something else entirely, I have no clue. To be honest, I do not care to find out why, either. I like them both, but I am not going to go out of my way and keep getting in their face if I am not wanted for whatever reason. I had a much better experience going alone, and I think I will keep it that way. In fact, getting to the pavement was so easy, I am setting a new goal of walking the entire length of Tiger Hammock road, dirt and paved.
I am torn however, because if it was for no big reason that they did not come over, I do not want to seem like I just dumped Vicky and do not want to walk with her anymore. On the other hand, I want to walk alone I think. It is better for me to do this alone for the most part. I know I need to just suck it up and go over there and find out if something is up, but at the same time if I do, I will feel obligated to keep walking with her when I do not want to. Nothing against her, I just need to do this alone. See why I like online relationships? Lol..
Jack has to work for the next two Saturdays, his boss is going out of town, so that kind of sucks. Hunting season also starts this weekend so I will see less of him in general on the weekends. This Saturday, after he gets home, we are going to my Mom's and we are going to a Fall Festival with the kids, so that should be fun.
I was also given an award today, the Lovely Blog award that is now on my sidebar by Bex over at Bex's Hexes. That was a wonderful surprise and I thank her! She is also on a mission to get healthy again, so pop over and check her out, show some support.
I think that sums it up for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day one with a walking partner!
Yesterday I was a little apprehensive about walking with Vicky, my new walking partner. I spend so much time alone, other than with my family, I was afraid all my social skills would have left me. Then I was worried she would not want to go after all, and I would have gone in an hour later for nothing.
Well it turns out all my fear were for nothing. It was great! I went out at 8:25, right as her kids were getting on the bus, and we headed out. In less that 5 minutes we had already exchanged the basic life story for each of us lol. I do not think I have ever admitted so much of my personal life to someone I just met in so quick a time. She shared just as much with me, and then some, so it was a mutual thing. I am not sure if it was because I had someone else there to distract me from slogging through all that sand or what, but we did the 3 miles in a little over half the time it usually takes me alone. My calves are still feeling that burn but it is great! We even set a new goal, which is to walk the entire dirt part of the road that we walk on, which is an almost 6 mile round trip. I am going to see if we can do that Monday.
After we got back she invited me over to her place ( she lives directly across the street from me ) and I got to see the inside of her house. We talked about all kinds of things, and we have a lot in common. It was really fun and I am so glad we are doing this. I told her before I left that she is welcome to come to my place any time, I am home alone all day, and she said the same thing to me! I am really hoping we will end up friends, it will be so nice to have someone so close I can hang with in person, instead of only getting to talk to my friends online because they live to far away.
She is going to walk with me every day I walk unless something comes up. I told her if it is pouring rain I am not walking, and any time the kids are out of school I will not be walking, which she agreed with as her girlfriend's two little ones and her own teenage daughter are on the same schedule as Alex, and the kids can not make that trip with us lol. Friday for instance, the kids are out for a teachers planning day so we will not be going. Alex turns 6 on Friday so it is cool, she can stay home for her birthday! ( And I get to sleep in, woot!!)
So all in all, it was awesome, and I am really excited to have someone to be walking with, and hopefully gain a friend out of the deal as well. If today is any indication, we are going to get alone just fine!
Have a Happy Wednesday!
Well it turns out all my fear were for nothing. It was great! I went out at 8:25, right as her kids were getting on the bus, and we headed out. In less that 5 minutes we had already exchanged the basic life story for each of us lol. I do not think I have ever admitted so much of my personal life to someone I just met in so quick a time. She shared just as much with me, and then some, so it was a mutual thing. I am not sure if it was because I had someone else there to distract me from slogging through all that sand or what, but we did the 3 miles in a little over half the time it usually takes me alone. My calves are still feeling that burn but it is great! We even set a new goal, which is to walk the entire dirt part of the road that we walk on, which is an almost 6 mile round trip. I am going to see if we can do that Monday.
After we got back she invited me over to her place ( she lives directly across the street from me ) and I got to see the inside of her house. We talked about all kinds of things, and we have a lot in common. It was really fun and I am so glad we are doing this. I told her before I left that she is welcome to come to my place any time, I am home alone all day, and she said the same thing to me! I am really hoping we will end up friends, it will be so nice to have someone so close I can hang with in person, instead of only getting to talk to my friends online because they live to far away.
She is going to walk with me every day I walk unless something comes up. I told her if it is pouring rain I am not walking, and any time the kids are out of school I will not be walking, which she agreed with as her girlfriend's two little ones and her own teenage daughter are on the same schedule as Alex, and the kids can not make that trip with us lol. Friday for instance, the kids are out for a teachers planning day so we will not be going. Alex turns 6 on Friday so it is cool, she can stay home for her birthday! ( And I get to sleep in, woot!!)
So all in all, it was awesome, and I am really excited to have someone to be walking with, and hopefully gain a friend out of the deal as well. If today is any indication, we are going to get alone just fine!
Have a Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In spite of myself....
I already know that I am my own worst enemy. This is nothing new to me.
This morning, when I woke, it was slightly drizzly outside. I am not sure if it was actual light rain, or if the heavy fog that has been blanketing the area the last couple of days had dampened everything to the point of being drippy. Either way, I latched on to that as an excuse not to walk today. " It is yucky out, I do not want to get sick." Along with " If I walk the dirt road, I will slog through mud, and if I walk the pavement some crazy driver will skid out of control and kill me..."
Those are the things I was telling myself at 6:45 this morning. I had made up my mind I was not going to walk today. Yet at 7:10 ( ten minutes before I have to walk Alex to the bus stop ) I found myself hurriedly throwing on my jeans and a shirt and putting on my tennis shoes. I ended up walking after all.
See, I am a horrible procrastinator, I have admitted that several times here. I know this about myself. But I also know that once I commit to something, and I do not do it, guilt eats me alive. ( Which reminds me, I owe a friend a tarot reading, crap. I forgot all about it. ) So even thought I had made up my mind not to go, the guilt set in immediately. In less than 20 minutes I had worked myself up into a mental lather over it and went, and of course felt much better once I started, as usually happens.
Today there was something else in store for me. I got back to my road a little sooner than usual, maybe 5 or 10 minutes, and my neighbor was at the bus stop with her girlfriend's two kids, waiting to put them on the bus. I spoke to her and she asked if I walked every morning and I said yes, and she said she likes to walk the road but she is afraid to go alone. I then asked her to go with me of course. I told her that if she wanted to walk I had no problems switching my time to an hour later when her set of kids gets on the bus, and if she wanted to go I would be happy to have her company. She accepted right away. So I am happy about that for the most part, although I am worried in a way because I am not close to any of my neighbors, and I have lived her almost 5 years. I am hoping she does not think I am the most boring person in history and avoid me lol.
So now I have a walking partner, although her goals are probably not the same as mine, as she is not overweight at all. Now that I have someone to go with me, it adds a whole other level of accountability, because if I do not go, I am not only letting myself down, I will be depriving her of going, since she does not want to go alone. ( Hey, I am a pistol packing Mama and I make everyone feel safer ha! ) So I am excited.
Maybe it will turn into a "local" friendship. All my in the flesh friends live no less than an hour away, most of them in other states entirely. She is home all day like me, I am not sure if her girlfriend works or what as I can not see what time she comes and goes from my place. It should be interesting at any rate.
So in the end I am glad I went, and it seems the universe provided me with exactly what I needed at the time to keep me going. Funny how that happens sometimes!
Now if only I had more motivation to clean today! I seem to be running in circles, not accomplishing much but working myself to death lol. I need to make a plan and work smarter, not harder!
I hope you are all having a great week so far!
This morning, when I woke, it was slightly drizzly outside. I am not sure if it was actual light rain, or if the heavy fog that has been blanketing the area the last couple of days had dampened everything to the point of being drippy. Either way, I latched on to that as an excuse not to walk today. " It is yucky out, I do not want to get sick." Along with " If I walk the dirt road, I will slog through mud, and if I walk the pavement some crazy driver will skid out of control and kill me..."
Those are the things I was telling myself at 6:45 this morning. I had made up my mind I was not going to walk today. Yet at 7:10 ( ten minutes before I have to walk Alex to the bus stop ) I found myself hurriedly throwing on my jeans and a shirt and putting on my tennis shoes. I ended up walking after all.
See, I am a horrible procrastinator, I have admitted that several times here. I know this about myself. But I also know that once I commit to something, and I do not do it, guilt eats me alive. ( Which reminds me, I owe a friend a tarot reading, crap. I forgot all about it. ) So even thought I had made up my mind not to go, the guilt set in immediately. In less than 20 minutes I had worked myself up into a mental lather over it and went, and of course felt much better once I started, as usually happens.
Today there was something else in store for me. I got back to my road a little sooner than usual, maybe 5 or 10 minutes, and my neighbor was at the bus stop with her girlfriend's two kids, waiting to put them on the bus. I spoke to her and she asked if I walked every morning and I said yes, and she said she likes to walk the road but she is afraid to go alone. I then asked her to go with me of course. I told her that if she wanted to walk I had no problems switching my time to an hour later when her set of kids gets on the bus, and if she wanted to go I would be happy to have her company. She accepted right away. So I am happy about that for the most part, although I am worried in a way because I am not close to any of my neighbors, and I have lived her almost 5 years. I am hoping she does not think I am the most boring person in history and avoid me lol.
So now I have a walking partner, although her goals are probably not the same as mine, as she is not overweight at all. Now that I have someone to go with me, it adds a whole other level of accountability, because if I do not go, I am not only letting myself down, I will be depriving her of going, since she does not want to go alone. ( Hey, I am a pistol packing Mama and I make everyone feel safer ha! ) So I am excited.
Maybe it will turn into a "local" friendship. All my in the flesh friends live no less than an hour away, most of them in other states entirely. She is home all day like me, I am not sure if her girlfriend works or what as I can not see what time she comes and goes from my place. It should be interesting at any rate.
So in the end I am glad I went, and it seems the universe provided me with exactly what I needed at the time to keep me going. Funny how that happens sometimes!
Now if only I had more motivation to clean today! I seem to be running in circles, not accomplishing much but working myself to death lol. I need to make a plan and work smarter, not harder!
I hope you are all having a great week so far!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Week One of Walking!
Well I made it the first week!
Today marks one week since I started walking between 2 and 3 miles a day. I admit, there have been a couple of days that I did not want to go, Friday especially. For some reason I was very sore and just did not want to go. I was confused as to why I hurt on day five instead of day one or two, and I just was not feeling it. I went anyways, and felt much better when I got home.
We went to my parent's house this weekend ( which is now the norm and I love it! ) and I weighed myself on Mom's scale. ( I do not own one ) I weigh myself over there every weekend, and I have lost a little over a pound in a week. Not much, but it made me happy. What made me really happy was today, when I put my jeans on, they were a little looser than they usually are, and they were fresh from the dryer too! ( Ask any woman, jeans are tighter right out of the dryer lol! ) I kept having to hitch them up as I walked this morning, much to my delight.
I have been utilizing portion control, and eating snacks ( under 100 calories, I went shopping for low fat, low calorie stuff Saturday night..) a few times a day, which I have learned that is what people with slow ( or damn near nonexistent in my case! ) metabolisms need to do. I did not walk formally Saturday, but by the time I got through walking around at Mom's, and then walking all over Wal -Mart for 2 hours, I got an extra mile in according to my pedometer. Yay!
Sunday was "cheat day" but I hate calling it that. I am not cheating, I am consciously taking one day a week to eat what I want and enjoy myself. We grilled out steaks that night, had baked potatoes and green beans. I did notice that I could not eat as much as I could before I started this endeavor, which pleased me.
Tonight I am making chicken stir fry, and I have my three bean chili in the crock pot so we can have it tomorrow. Jack will be home late tomorrow so a one dish meal which can be eaten whenever he gets home seemed like the thing to do.
Normally I walk down the long dirt road adjacent to my road, but it is like walking through sand dunes at some points in the road, they have not graded it in forever, and it was causing me a lot pf pain in the arches of my feet, which was not helping me get motivated, since I knew I was going to be in pain halfway through it. So today I walked down the highway instead. I live on a back road anyway, and there is not a lot of traffic down the paved road. It was better for my arches, but I felt the burn in my calves more, which I can deal with.
I was talking to Mom and she said one of her co-workers is also walking to lose weight. She weighed about 220, and she has been walking three miles a day for just under two months, and she has lost almost 30 pounds. That was exactly the encouragement I needed to hear let me tell you!
I am proud of myself, for sticking with it. I know it has only been a week, but in the past, after a couple of days, I would have started finding excuses not to go. I am doing my best not to sabotage myself this time. It takes kicking myself in the ass some days, but I am doing it.
I have found that since I have been walking, I am super pumped up with energy when I get back, and it has really got me in the mood to start on those house projects I have been putting off. I was going to tackle Alex's room today but this is one of those creative days, I want to cook and blog and do fun stuff, and I have learned that in order to be happy, I have to allow myself to do these things when the mood and inspiration strikes, instead of hoping it will be there later after my chores are done. SO I made the living areas presentable and did a quick pick up in my room and closed Alex's door LOL. It will still be there tomorrow!
So I guess that sums it up for now. I am sticking with it, even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone!
I hope you all have a fantastic week!
Today marks one week since I started walking between 2 and 3 miles a day. I admit, there have been a couple of days that I did not want to go, Friday especially. For some reason I was very sore and just did not want to go. I was confused as to why I hurt on day five instead of day one or two, and I just was not feeling it. I went anyways, and felt much better when I got home.
We went to my parent's house this weekend ( which is now the norm and I love it! ) and I weighed myself on Mom's scale. ( I do not own one ) I weigh myself over there every weekend, and I have lost a little over a pound in a week. Not much, but it made me happy. What made me really happy was today, when I put my jeans on, they were a little looser than they usually are, and they were fresh from the dryer too! ( Ask any woman, jeans are tighter right out of the dryer lol! ) I kept having to hitch them up as I walked this morning, much to my delight.
I have been utilizing portion control, and eating snacks ( under 100 calories, I went shopping for low fat, low calorie stuff Saturday night..) a few times a day, which I have learned that is what people with slow ( or damn near nonexistent in my case! ) metabolisms need to do. I did not walk formally Saturday, but by the time I got through walking around at Mom's, and then walking all over Wal -Mart for 2 hours, I got an extra mile in according to my pedometer. Yay!
Sunday was "cheat day" but I hate calling it that. I am not cheating, I am consciously taking one day a week to eat what I want and enjoy myself. We grilled out steaks that night, had baked potatoes and green beans. I did notice that I could not eat as much as I could before I started this endeavor, which pleased me.
Tonight I am making chicken stir fry, and I have my three bean chili in the crock pot so we can have it tomorrow. Jack will be home late tomorrow so a one dish meal which can be eaten whenever he gets home seemed like the thing to do.
Normally I walk down the long dirt road adjacent to my road, but it is like walking through sand dunes at some points in the road, they have not graded it in forever, and it was causing me a lot pf pain in the arches of my feet, which was not helping me get motivated, since I knew I was going to be in pain halfway through it. So today I walked down the highway instead. I live on a back road anyway, and there is not a lot of traffic down the paved road. It was better for my arches, but I felt the burn in my calves more, which I can deal with.
I was talking to Mom and she said one of her co-workers is also walking to lose weight. She weighed about 220, and she has been walking three miles a day for just under two months, and she has lost almost 30 pounds. That was exactly the encouragement I needed to hear let me tell you!
I am proud of myself, for sticking with it. I know it has only been a week, but in the past, after a couple of days, I would have started finding excuses not to go. I am doing my best not to sabotage myself this time. It takes kicking myself in the ass some days, but I am doing it.
I have found that since I have been walking, I am super pumped up with energy when I get back, and it has really got me in the mood to start on those house projects I have been putting off. I was going to tackle Alex's room today but this is one of those creative days, I want to cook and blog and do fun stuff, and I have learned that in order to be happy, I have to allow myself to do these things when the mood and inspiration strikes, instead of hoping it will be there later after my chores are done. SO I made the living areas presentable and did a quick pick up in my room and closed Alex's door LOL. It will still be there tomorrow!
So I guess that sums it up for now. I am sticking with it, even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming out of my comfort zone!
I hope you all have a fantastic week!
Thursday, October 07, 2010
It is time...
Actually it is long overdue. I sit around 8 months out of the year, bitching about the size of my ass and then how it is to hot outside to do anything about it, that I can not afford to go to a gym, how my *insert body part here* hurts, and a myriad of other lame excuses I tell myself to not get off my ass and lose some weight.
My outlook on myself is a big mess of conflicting emotions. I am comfortable with my physical self and totally uncomfortable at the same time, and it can change at the drop of a hat. I am can be filled with killer self confidence, not giving a crap what anyone else thinks of me, and then Jack will come home and go to touch me in some affectionate way and I close up inside, suddenly feeling 400 pounds and horrendous looking. ( Which is no fault of Jack by the way, he is perfectly happy and attracted to the person I am now, inside and out, sometimes overbearingly so...)
I have known since I was a young teen that my personality and attitude and the way I carry and present myself more than make up for any physical imperfections I have or think I have. Oddly enough, when it comes to the outside world, I really do not care what people think when they look at me. They either like me for me, or they do not, and I do not lose sleep either way. However at home, alone, I look in the mirror and think "Wtf happened to me?" When did I get so complacent that I allowed myself to get this way? ( By MY standards, not society's unrealistic ones. ) I know WHEN it happened. When I got sick, and was diagnosed with a potentially fatal health condition, I left my job as a restaurant manager, took a few weeks off to get some tests done, and figure out how my life had to change ( not much it turned out ) and went back to work and then got laid off 2 months later, I got depressed, and became a statue. I sat ( and up until recently, as in days, still did ) on the computer constantly, eating because I was bored, because I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself, and because food was my constant companion. Now before you get the wrong idea, please do not have the mental image of me stuffing myself full of candy and junk...I am not that kind of chick. I ate ( and still do eat ) healthy stuff, just a lot of it, therefore making it UNhealthy.
Add to that the facts of I do not like the heat ( I am red headed, very fair skinned, and am very prone to getting burned and heat sick ) I like bugs and biting creatures even less than hanging out in the Florida heat, and I have a bad knee that I have had multiple surgeries on, and you have a woman who never went outside unless she had to. Winter has always been my favorite time of year until last year, when it was so freakishly cold for so freakishly long, and I used that to increase my list of excuses as to why I sat on my ass all day, every day.
My bad relationship with food goes deeper than that, I had a father who would constantly tell me as a child that I was fat, when I was not,he was not a very nice man, we lived out in the woods, with no kids, so food was my friend. I got over that, only to turn into him when it came to how I looked at myself later on. It did not help that after I had my second son, who was about 6 months old, and I had just had the first of my knee surgeries and was walking around on crutches, that my son's father, after having a conversation with my dad, came up to me in my parent's kitchen where I was making our son a bottle, reached around my and grabbed my stomach and JIGGLED it, asking me why was I still fat, was I pregnant again? I was horrified. I was in the best shape of my LIFE when I was pregnant with my son. I weighed 120 when I got pregnant, and I walked everywhere as we had no car, and I only gained 28 pounds with him, and he was a TEN pound baby when he was born. At the time of him grabbing my stomach like that, I weighed 130 pounds...that is it...I was 19 years old, in pain from surgery and doing my best to take care of our infant since he was no help, and he did that to me. So it comes as no surprise that I am the way I am about food, but that is not a good excuse to continue to be that way anymore.
Now I am an intelligent person, and I knew what I was doing was bad for me, but I am a horrible procrastinator, and I fully admit I will put off things as long as humanly possible. So I told myself I needed to eat less and exercise more. Eating less was not a problem, in fact, I got so good at it I only ate once a day, at dinner. Oddly enough, that made things worse. I was still sitting in this chair 15 hours a day, online, and the eating once a day was sending my body into "starvation mode" which is when your body thinks it has to store every bit of food as fat since you are not giving it enough regular fuel to do what it needs to do in a normal way. I made plans with online friends, to co-diet so to speak, but did not follow through. I could not bring myself to eat small meals 5 or 6 times a day as recommended by health experts, because that seemed excessive to me, especially because I was not increasing my physical activity enough to warrant me eating all that extra food. I was going to start walking, but never did, for a few reasons, one being there was a guy on the loose in my area kidnapping and beheading women and dumping them in the national forest not to far from where I live, and because I live in Florida, and it was Summer. Nuff' said.
Then about two weeks ago I was having a conversation with Jack about something, I do not even remember what it was about, grocery shopping most likely, and I ended up getting irritated with myself over my weight. I said to myself that enough was enough and something had to be done, I had to get up and do something instead of sitting in this chair all the time. Then this Monday that just passed Mother Nature decided to give me some motivation. It was 56 degrees outside when I went to take Alex to the bus stop. I felt that spark I get when Winter sets in, and in a spur of the moment decision, I got her on the bus, and instead of going home, I turned right and proceeded to walk down the loooooong dirt road adjacent to my road. I have been walking every morning for four days now. I take my pistol now, since you never know when I might need it, I DO live in the woods, with wildlife all over the place, and for protection against any human who decides fat people are not so hard to kidnap after all. I feel better every day, I walk 3 miles every morning, and on the first day I went, when I reached the bridge that is my turn around point, I was blessed to see a beautiful brown barn owl ( Owl is one of my totems ) 4 feet from my face, sitting at eye level on a branch at the little creek the bridge crosses. I spoke to her and she hooted at me a few times, and I thanked the Mother for giving me her blessing and showing me that I was doing the right thing.
Today I came home and got online to do some research. I took out bad fats from our diet ( not that there was many, I am not a fried food fan, and I seldom use oils or butter unless I have to ) a while back, I cook healthy, but I know there is more to it than that, so I spent my morning checking out various tips and advice and lifestyle change plans so I can help myself even more. For the first time ever, I am excited and feel that I can actually DO this. I have made small changes, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will have to actually eat to lose weight, which is easier now since I am walking, I actually get hungry, and that calorie counting, something I had always scoffed at or thought was for people who had no will power, is actually a pretty vital tool for some people in their quest to have a healthy lifestyle. I live in the south, and grew up on sweet tea, and since I have been walking I have been doing my best to only drink it as dinner, and drink water the rest of the day. So far since Tuesday I have done pretty good. I did have a soda last night, because I have been getting migraines which I attribute to the lack of caffeine from laying off the tea. So I took a BC powder and chased it with a Pepsi, but I also learned that as long as it is in moderation, I can have just about anything I want. The point is not to diet, which is a short term thing, the point is to make a life change, to where this becomes the norm for everyday life, not something I do to lose a few ( Okay a persons worth ) of pounds.
Part of why I am writing this is to put it out there in black and white, to have some sort of accountability for my actions, because if I tell others, then the chances are better that I will stick to it, even though I am doing this for me, because the thought of someone asking me how the weight loss is going while I sit here day after day is a little horrifying to me. I have made so many internal changes over the last 2 years, and now it is time to start working on the outside. I want to see my kids grow up, to maybe play with a few grandchildren one day, not die of a heart attack or diabetes at an early age because I was to lazy and to busy letting my past influence my future. My new life started Monday. I hope to make it last until I draw my last breath...
My outlook on myself is a big mess of conflicting emotions. I am comfortable with my physical self and totally uncomfortable at the same time, and it can change at the drop of a hat. I am can be filled with killer self confidence, not giving a crap what anyone else thinks of me, and then Jack will come home and go to touch me in some affectionate way and I close up inside, suddenly feeling 400 pounds and horrendous looking. ( Which is no fault of Jack by the way, he is perfectly happy and attracted to the person I am now, inside and out, sometimes overbearingly so...)
I have known since I was a young teen that my personality and attitude and the way I carry and present myself more than make up for any physical imperfections I have or think I have. Oddly enough, when it comes to the outside world, I really do not care what people think when they look at me. They either like me for me, or they do not, and I do not lose sleep either way. However at home, alone, I look in the mirror and think "Wtf happened to me?" When did I get so complacent that I allowed myself to get this way? ( By MY standards, not society's unrealistic ones. ) I know WHEN it happened. When I got sick, and was diagnosed with a potentially fatal health condition, I left my job as a restaurant manager, took a few weeks off to get some tests done, and figure out how my life had to change ( not much it turned out ) and went back to work and then got laid off 2 months later, I got depressed, and became a statue. I sat ( and up until recently, as in days, still did ) on the computer constantly, eating because I was bored, because I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself, and because food was my constant companion. Now before you get the wrong idea, please do not have the mental image of me stuffing myself full of candy and junk...I am not that kind of chick. I ate ( and still do eat ) healthy stuff, just a lot of it, therefore making it UNhealthy.
Add to that the facts of I do not like the heat ( I am red headed, very fair skinned, and am very prone to getting burned and heat sick ) I like bugs and biting creatures even less than hanging out in the Florida heat, and I have a bad knee that I have had multiple surgeries on, and you have a woman who never went outside unless she had to. Winter has always been my favorite time of year until last year, when it was so freakishly cold for so freakishly long, and I used that to increase my list of excuses as to why I sat on my ass all day, every day.
My bad relationship with food goes deeper than that, I had a father who would constantly tell me as a child that I was fat, when I was not,he was not a very nice man, we lived out in the woods, with no kids, so food was my friend. I got over that, only to turn into him when it came to how I looked at myself later on. It did not help that after I had my second son, who was about 6 months old, and I had just had the first of my knee surgeries and was walking around on crutches, that my son's father, after having a conversation with my dad, came up to me in my parent's kitchen where I was making our son a bottle, reached around my and grabbed my stomach and JIGGLED it, asking me why was I still fat, was I pregnant again? I was horrified. I was in the best shape of my LIFE when I was pregnant with my son. I weighed 120 when I got pregnant, and I walked everywhere as we had no car, and I only gained 28 pounds with him, and he was a TEN pound baby when he was born. At the time of him grabbing my stomach like that, I weighed 130 pounds...that is it...I was 19 years old, in pain from surgery and doing my best to take care of our infant since he was no help, and he did that to me. So it comes as no surprise that I am the way I am about food, but that is not a good excuse to continue to be that way anymore.
Now I am an intelligent person, and I knew what I was doing was bad for me, but I am a horrible procrastinator, and I fully admit I will put off things as long as humanly possible. So I told myself I needed to eat less and exercise more. Eating less was not a problem, in fact, I got so good at it I only ate once a day, at dinner. Oddly enough, that made things worse. I was still sitting in this chair 15 hours a day, online, and the eating once a day was sending my body into "starvation mode" which is when your body thinks it has to store every bit of food as fat since you are not giving it enough regular fuel to do what it needs to do in a normal way. I made plans with online friends, to co-diet so to speak, but did not follow through. I could not bring myself to eat small meals 5 or 6 times a day as recommended by health experts, because that seemed excessive to me, especially because I was not increasing my physical activity enough to warrant me eating all that extra food. I was going to start walking, but never did, for a few reasons, one being there was a guy on the loose in my area kidnapping and beheading women and dumping them in the national forest not to far from where I live, and because I live in Florida, and it was Summer. Nuff' said.
Then about two weeks ago I was having a conversation with Jack about something, I do not even remember what it was about, grocery shopping most likely, and I ended up getting irritated with myself over my weight. I said to myself that enough was enough and something had to be done, I had to get up and do something instead of sitting in this chair all the time. Then this Monday that just passed Mother Nature decided to give me some motivation. It was 56 degrees outside when I went to take Alex to the bus stop. I felt that spark I get when Winter sets in, and in a spur of the moment decision, I got her on the bus, and instead of going home, I turned right and proceeded to walk down the loooooong dirt road adjacent to my road. I have been walking every morning for four days now. I take my pistol now, since you never know when I might need it, I DO live in the woods, with wildlife all over the place, and for protection against any human who decides fat people are not so hard to kidnap after all. I feel better every day, I walk 3 miles every morning, and on the first day I went, when I reached the bridge that is my turn around point, I was blessed to see a beautiful brown barn owl ( Owl is one of my totems ) 4 feet from my face, sitting at eye level on a branch at the little creek the bridge crosses. I spoke to her and she hooted at me a few times, and I thanked the Mother for giving me her blessing and showing me that I was doing the right thing.
Today I came home and got online to do some research. I took out bad fats from our diet ( not that there was many, I am not a fried food fan, and I seldom use oils or butter unless I have to ) a while back, I cook healthy, but I know there is more to it than that, so I spent my morning checking out various tips and advice and lifestyle change plans so I can help myself even more. For the first time ever, I am excited and feel that I can actually DO this. I have made small changes, I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will have to actually eat to lose weight, which is easier now since I am walking, I actually get hungry, and that calorie counting, something I had always scoffed at or thought was for people who had no will power, is actually a pretty vital tool for some people in their quest to have a healthy lifestyle. I live in the south, and grew up on sweet tea, and since I have been walking I have been doing my best to only drink it as dinner, and drink water the rest of the day. So far since Tuesday I have done pretty good. I did have a soda last night, because I have been getting migraines which I attribute to the lack of caffeine from laying off the tea. So I took a BC powder and chased it with a Pepsi, but I also learned that as long as it is in moderation, I can have just about anything I want. The point is not to diet, which is a short term thing, the point is to make a life change, to where this becomes the norm for everyday life, not something I do to lose a few ( Okay a persons worth ) of pounds.
Part of why I am writing this is to put it out there in black and white, to have some sort of accountability for my actions, because if I tell others, then the chances are better that I will stick to it, even though I am doing this for me, because the thought of someone asking me how the weight loss is going while I sit here day after day is a little horrifying to me. I have made so many internal changes over the last 2 years, and now it is time to start working on the outside. I want to see my kids grow up, to maybe play with a few grandchildren one day, not die of a heart attack or diabetes at an early age because I was to lazy and to busy letting my past influence my future. My new life started Monday. I hope to make it last until I draw my last breath...
Monday, October 05, 2009
The Mouse, the Moth and the Snake...
What the hell?!! It is varmint week here in Florida or what??
For starters, I have been plagued by a wood rat in my house for the last few days. I have never knowingly had a mouse in any of my homes before, so this vexes me. He is LOUD, and quick. My cat, who shall forever be known as Useless Friggen Cat, or UFC ( ha ha ) watches the mouse very intently, but can not be bothered to actually MOVE off his fat ass to go chase it or anything lol. Total Garfield moment I swear.
Secondly, I am terrified of Lunar Moths. Scared. to. death. They are great big creepy condoresque dive bombing...things. I have no clue how they reproduce or anything, but there is a massive amount of Lunar Moth Babies ALL OVER THE PLACE outside. Every time I open the door after 5 P.M. they swarm me lol.
Friday night 4 of them got in and flew right in my bedroom. Keep in mind a "baby" Lunar moth is still almost three inches across and about two inches long. So I ran in here ( I was standing by the back door ) and Jack then spent the next 30 minutes chasing them down and getting them out of my room. He tossed them all back outside, alive.
Last but not least, I woke up from a nice dream this morning to the sound of Jack saying " Sweety? Sweety? Wake up babe.." ( I should have known to just burrow under the covers when I heard back to back terms of endearment lol...)
When I opened my eyes...THIS is what I saw:
Yes folks, Jack was standing beside my bed holding a 3 foot long oak snake. After I stood up on the floor on the opposite side of the bed, I asked him wtf was he bringing a snake in the house for. He said as he was working on his project that he saw something move on the cheery tree we had to cut down a couple months ago because it was at risk of falling on the house, saw it was a young snake and was concerned because it was just after dawn and cold out...not a time when snakes crawl around. So he went and checked it out, and figured it's den was disturbed so it was looking for somewhere to hide. Of course he had to come share lol.
So I am covered in woodland creatures this week lol.
Other than that, it has been an awesome week. The temps were down in the upper 50's at night, and a tolerable low 80's during the day, meaning I got to open the house up for a whole week! I did some cleaning and cooked some good meals and recharged my batteries lol. I had to turn the air back on tonight because it was hot and super muggy again, with rain moving back in until the coming weekend. But the week was enough to tide me over until the days and nights are cool all the time!
The "project" Jack was working on was a drop screen cover for the back door. There is no screen door on the back, and I like to have it open, but flies and bugs get in and I hate that. A fly will drive me INSANE in a heartbeat. So he spent all this morning taking the extra screen he had left over after repairing some of the windows on the house and sewed a lot of them together and attached it to the inside of the door frame, and tied weights to the bottom to keep it closed. So now I have a screen panel on the back door so I can have it open and not have to worry about critters coming in! He spent hours on it and I was thrilled! So very sweet of him!
He smoked another ham Saturday after he got off work ( he had to work half a day, usually he is off on weekends but his boss has been ill this week ) and it was just as good as the one last week. He is the grill and smoker king let me tell you lol. Today he made the leftovers into BBQ, just like last week, for the race, and it was even better than last week! If this is the typical weekend menu, I am ok with that lol. It was divine!
We watched the race, but I got bored, the two people I really like were not driving well at all today, and the guy Jack likes blew an engine about halfway into the race, so I got up and started cleaning a little. Washed some clothes, worked on Alex's room some ( and I am still alive to tell you about it yay! ) and little stuff like dishes and what not.
Later, Jack and I were talking, ( I swear we have talked more this weekend than we have in a couple of months lol. ) and he volunteered to start walking with me again. I used to walk every afternoon after he got home from work, but a woman went missing from near here and was eventually found murdered, and even though they caught the guy, it still freaked me out because there were a couple of other incidents not to far from here, so I did not want to walk alone. We talked about this today and he agreed to start walking with me which makes me SO happy! We both need to get in better shape, and the road right next to us is very long, dirt, and very beautiful. The first 3 miles of it has NO houses on it, which is the end that is near us. Hence another reason of me being spooked, nothing but woods all around. It is gorgeous though, and I have taken some great pics from that road. I can not wait to start back!
All in all it has been a great week and a awesome weekend. Jack and I spent a lot of quality time together and talked so much. We were really close and that does not get to happen as often as we want due to everyday life getting in the way. Not to mention an almost 5 year old who has to insert herself in the middle of any type of affection lol.
Speaking of Alex, she will be 5 on the 15th of this month, so I have to get started on planning her birthday.
I am also going through an "unplugged" stage. I belonged to a lot of Yahoo Groups, and I left all of them except 3, 2 that I have been a part of for a long time, and one that I own. I have realized a few of the people I had on my FB and other stuff really annoyed the crap out of me and I have either gotten rid of them or I am about to, and with the exception of my blog ( and all of your blogs that I read of course ) and the handful of people I talk to, I just have really wanted to get away from a lot of the things I surrounded myself with before, and focus on me and the things that need attending to in MY life, instead of being so involved and worried about every one else's problems, and making them my own.I know that sounds a bit selfish, but everyone who has talked to me regularly over the last year knows that everything else has always taken precedence over me, and sometimes even my family, and that has to stop. Us first, then everyone else. Since I started doing that, things have gotten a lot better for me, and really well for Jack and myself. There is more to that story, but that is another post all by itself lol.
So there is my week, and what has been going on with me while I have been away. I hope everyone has a great week!
For starters, I have been plagued by a wood rat in my house for the last few days. I have never knowingly had a mouse in any of my homes before, so this vexes me. He is LOUD, and quick. My cat, who shall forever be known as Useless Friggen Cat, or UFC ( ha ha ) watches the mouse very intently, but can not be bothered to actually MOVE off his fat ass to go chase it or anything lol. Total Garfield moment I swear.
Secondly, I am terrified of Lunar Moths. Scared. to. death. They are great big creepy condoresque dive bombing...things. I have no clue how they reproduce or anything, but there is a massive amount of Lunar Moth Babies ALL OVER THE PLACE outside. Every time I open the door after 5 P.M. they swarm me lol.
Friday night 4 of them got in and flew right in my bedroom. Keep in mind a "baby" Lunar moth is still almost three inches across and about two inches long. So I ran in here ( I was standing by the back door ) and Jack then spent the next 30 minutes chasing them down and getting them out of my room. He tossed them all back outside, alive.
Last but not least, I woke up from a nice dream this morning to the sound of Jack saying " Sweety? Sweety? Wake up babe.." ( I should have known to just burrow under the covers when I heard back to back terms of endearment lol...)
When I opened my eyes...THIS is what I saw:
So I am covered in woodland creatures this week lol.
Other than that, it has been an awesome week. The temps were down in the upper 50's at night, and a tolerable low 80's during the day, meaning I got to open the house up for a whole week! I did some cleaning and cooked some good meals and recharged my batteries lol. I had to turn the air back on tonight because it was hot and super muggy again, with rain moving back in until the coming weekend. But the week was enough to tide me over until the days and nights are cool all the time!
The "project" Jack was working on was a drop screen cover for the back door. There is no screen door on the back, and I like to have it open, but flies and bugs get in and I hate that. A fly will drive me INSANE in a heartbeat. So he spent all this morning taking the extra screen he had left over after repairing some of the windows on the house and sewed a lot of them together and attached it to the inside of the door frame, and tied weights to the bottom to keep it closed. So now I have a screen panel on the back door so I can have it open and not have to worry about critters coming in! He spent hours on it and I was thrilled! So very sweet of him!
He smoked another ham Saturday after he got off work ( he had to work half a day, usually he is off on weekends but his boss has been ill this week ) and it was just as good as the one last week. He is the grill and smoker king let me tell you lol. Today he made the leftovers into BBQ, just like last week, for the race, and it was even better than last week! If this is the typical weekend menu, I am ok with that lol. It was divine!
We watched the race, but I got bored, the two people I really like were not driving well at all today, and the guy Jack likes blew an engine about halfway into the race, so I got up and started cleaning a little. Washed some clothes, worked on Alex's room some ( and I am still alive to tell you about it yay! ) and little stuff like dishes and what not.
Later, Jack and I were talking, ( I swear we have talked more this weekend than we have in a couple of months lol. ) and he volunteered to start walking with me again. I used to walk every afternoon after he got home from work, but a woman went missing from near here and was eventually found murdered, and even though they caught the guy, it still freaked me out because there were a couple of other incidents not to far from here, so I did not want to walk alone. We talked about this today and he agreed to start walking with me which makes me SO happy! We both need to get in better shape, and the road right next to us is very long, dirt, and very beautiful. The first 3 miles of it has NO houses on it, which is the end that is near us. Hence another reason of me being spooked, nothing but woods all around. It is gorgeous though, and I have taken some great pics from that road. I can not wait to start back!
All in all it has been a great week and a awesome weekend. Jack and I spent a lot of quality time together and talked so much. We were really close and that does not get to happen as often as we want due to everyday life getting in the way. Not to mention an almost 5 year old who has to insert herself in the middle of any type of affection lol.
Speaking of Alex, she will be 5 on the 15th of this month, so I have to get started on planning her birthday.
I am also going through an "unplugged" stage. I belonged to a lot of Yahoo Groups, and I left all of them except 3, 2 that I have been a part of for a long time, and one that I own. I have realized a few of the people I had on my FB and other stuff really annoyed the crap out of me and I have either gotten rid of them or I am about to, and with the exception of my blog ( and all of your blogs that I read of course ) and the handful of people I talk to, I just have really wanted to get away from a lot of the things I surrounded myself with before, and focus on me and the things that need attending to in MY life, instead of being so involved and worried about every one else's problems, and making them my own.I know that sounds a bit selfish, but everyone who has talked to me regularly over the last year knows that everything else has always taken precedence over me, and sometimes even my family, and that has to stop. Us first, then everyone else. Since I started doing that, things have gotten a lot better for me, and really well for Jack and myself. There is more to that story, but that is another post all by itself lol.
So there is my week, and what has been going on with me while I have been away. I hope everyone has a great week!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The Bloggest Loser
I do not know about any of you, but I spend 90% of my time in front of the computer, so weight has really become an issue with me since I left work 2 years ago. I am comfortable with me now, but I do want to be healthier ( hence me stopping smoking ) and if I lose weight, hey, I do not mind!
So please, check out Hyla and Kris and join in! I think we can all use all the support we can get!!
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