Saturday, January 02, 2010

This is going to be my year for luuuuuv...

*Crawls out of my cave and looks around, blinking in the bright light*

Howdy guys and gals. I hope you all had a great New Years, and I hope the coming year brings you all that you desire!

New Years Eve Day was weird for me...I bounced back and forth from feeling okay, to really lonely and depressed, all thanks to a Twitter tag lol. The tag was about 10 years ago today or something like that, and it was asking you what were you doing on New Years Eve 1999. After realizing that was a really long time ago, I started thinking about it.

Ten years ago on that day, I was sitting in my house, surrounded by friends, laughing at all the Y2K paranoid people. I was still with my son's father at that time, and my son was a little over a year old. We played games and had a little to drink, laughed and joked and had a really great time.

Then I got to thinking about this New Year' Eve...with no friends around, sitting at home alone because I knew Jack would be in bed, after all he had been up since 4 am as he had to work that day. So I got myself in a good pout session and flopped on the couch to wallow in my self imposed misery. I did this for about 3 hours, Jack even made cinnamon rolls to try and cheer me up, but I just chewed in stony silence, watching TV. Eventually he went to bed about 10:30, he just could not stay up anymore, he was nodding off sitting on the couch.

I trudged back over to my computer and heaved myself into the chair with lots of dramatic sighing. For who I have no idea, since there was no one to hear me lol. My best friend had been trying to get my attention online for a good 45 minutes but the screen saver had kicked in and I did not see it until I sat down. We watched the Dick Clark Rockin New Year's Eve program, laughing and having a great time, and I felt way better thanks to her. I was sad when they showed old Dick however...bless his heart. Such a trooper that one is! I have decided however, that Ryan Seacrest will in fact take over the world one just wait, and when it finally happens remember you heard it here first lol...

I got up several times, especially when Robin Thicke was singing ( I am sorry but if he would take the vice grips off his balls, he might be able to actually sing...that falsetto is AWFUL! ) to go outside and look at the moon. I had been afraid the rain and clouds that were here all day would make it to where I could not see her, but the clouds raced away, and it was a beautiful clear sky.

Not long after my best friend went to conduct her ritual for the evening, and I was talking to another friend. That ended up in a conversation I did not want to have, and I went to bed about 3:30 am...

The next day my best friend, who had done a New Years reading for me, shared what she learned with me, and it was centered around with Jack, love with my kids, and self love. I got chills and started crying because of the thoughts I have been having while in my cave the last month or so. I have things I want to accomplish in my home life this year...with my family....and the things she told me perfectly reflected that, and I had not mentioned my thoughts to her previously, or to anyone else for that matter. It is something I have been chewing on for quite some time. My home life is good, but with just a little more effort from me, a little backing down of my supreme stubbornness, and a whole new level of happiness could be mine. I know this, I just have a hard time taking those first steps at times...because I have been burned in the past, and also from Jack himself, so every time I start to open up, I become afraid and shut back down, only giving enough to make sure it does not all fall apart. That is not acceptable anymore. I can not live my life with one foot out the door anymore, because if I do not commit every bit of myself to my relationship, and only go about it half-assed, then there is no point in being in the relationship in the first place. If you can't give your all, then you don't need to be there.

The other part of her message also made me cry..and it was the message about self love. No not THAT kind of self love, lol. The kind of love that means you take care of yourself, in order to be healthy and balanced mentally and emotionally. As so many mothers and women do, I come last. I put myself last. I have been taking care of someone else my whole life, from the time I was old enough to basically run my parents household with the cooking and cleaning, and my Dad was the type where I had to bring EVERYTHING to him. He was not lazy, he worked 18 hours a day, and was always doing something at home, but I was constantly having to fix him food,, bring his drinks, take off his boots for him after work ( when I was younger, once I got about 12 I refused ) go and fetch him whatever he thought he needed at the time, even if it was something near him. Drove me nuts. But because of that, it set a pattern in my life. I waited on whomever I was with hand and foot, and they took advantage of it and I got hurt, a lot. I always put myself last. I still do, although not anywhere near the degree I did when I first left home. I am strong and I power through, but my mental balance is seriously affected at times, especially when it comes to Alex. She is a wonderful child but a very draining one, and I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So when months and months go buy and I do not get a brief respite, then I get really cranky and short tempered. Saturdays used to be my day to sleep in and be alone while Jack and Alex went food shopping, but since hunting season is in, that has stopped and I do not see Jack much on the weekends.

So the other part of my message was to take care of myself, to put myself first and make sure I was whole, that way I was better able to live my life with love and happiness. That will probably be the hardest part of all this. I accept myself for what I am, and what I am not, and I am okay with that. I do not care what other people think about me, they can either take me or leave me, I do not really care either way...but when forced to look REALLY deep inside myself, and learn to love myself fully and unconditionally, well, that is a whole different story, and I admit, will take some work. The easy thing for me is to just say " Oh I will do this for me later, or take some time to go do that for myself later..." knowing full well later never comes. Jack is supportive, he tells me all the time to do what makes me happy, go for a walk, or do whatever, but my own sense of guilt kicks in and I end up saying something like " Oh I will later, it's okay."

All in all, it was a very symbolic reading, and it really hit home for me. I am so glad and thankful that she did this for me, as it really gave me affirmation that the direction I was going was indeed the right one to be on.

I am having to make a conscious effort to write. I do not normally like to force writing, because then things do not sound the way I intend them, or my writer's block takes on an added level of intensity, but this time it is about breaking old habits and patterns and revamping myself this year. I will not make "resolutions" because I will not keep them, but l am starting a life altering leg of my journey, hopefully one that will dictate the rest of my life and how I live it.

So this cave dwelling is over for now, and I am slowly coming back out from darkness to be in the light...



Anonymous said...

welcome back dear sister to the light....I am so thrilled by this blog and proud of you.
You have had quite a time and this year is your year as well.
I have such great feelings about this year.

Anonymous said...

What a great reading you had, and yes I agree about putting ourselves last. Women are the caretakers of the world and unfortunately, we pay the price with all our coins. Self-love can be the most selfless thing we can do.

Mother Moon said...

It is good to have you back.. and thanks for the friends you have had to surround you and help you through.... there seems to be much in you Bella..... don't be afraid to let it come out and be shown... trust yourself and all you have to give....

Rue said...

I'm so glad you have a friend who makes you laugh - and gives you great readings! I think self-love is so important - good for you for making it a priority this year!

Ryan Sutton said...

It's the year of self-love! I have that "Take me or leave me" attitude as well, but yeah, deep down there's a part of me crying out, "Take me, please... I want to be liked." Now that I'm a single father, I too often spend half the week where I come last. It's a little different, because I have half the week where I have nobody to take care of, and get depressed and sullen and withdrawn, wallowing in my own self-pity and self-loathing. So... also embarking on a journey of self-love. I had it once. I want it again.

Magaly Guerrero said...

I can't remember what I was doing in New Years of 1999. That is really pitiful because I don't even drink, so I can't blame it on alcohol. I think I was on leave after Marine Corps Combat Training, so I was probably stuffing my face and I'm suffering of too-much-eating-amnesia, who knows.

Anyhoo, I'm back from memory land. I'm glad you've chosen this year to "Luuuuuv" yourself. I will love you a bit too, that way you can't get all sorts of good vibrations all year long. Happy New Year love!

Lyon said...

I will echo everyone else's sentiments and say, welcome back, it's good to see you. It sounds like you had a very very good reading and I like how you're taking it to heart and allowing to lift you up, in spite of the challenge it presents rather than taking the old stand by route of oh I know this, but I can't.

Keep on saying you can and keep on blogging because I love reading what you have to say and miss you when you're not around.

Bridgett said...

I've missed you, Bella, and I'm really glad to hear from you...welcome back to the light!

Like you, I always put myself last. I think that's some ingrained part of motherhood. For instance, I haven't had a haircut since summer because Parker always needs a new jacket, or Autumn needs new winter boots, or Doug has a dentist's always something.

I can't remember the last time I was able to sleep in.

I'm certainly not meaning to sounds like I'm bitching, I'm just showing you how I empathize.

Big hugs!