Showing posts with label New Years. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Years. Show all posts

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012...A Year in Review



This is one year I am looking forward to saying good-bye to. It has been one of the most difficult in my life, which is saying something.

I have decided to do a year in review, which I have not done in my 4 years of blogging. Some of the dates are fuzzy, but I will try to do a monthly breakdown and send this year on it's way.

2012 in review:

January: Both a good and bad month. I no longer remember exactly when I learned Dad had cancer, I think it was December of 2011, but it hit home in January. Jack was at home, as this was a couple of weeks after his back injury, and it was nice to have him all to myself. We got our income tax in at the end of the month, and we threw ourselves into doing things around the house before Jack was to have surgery. My eldest daughter turned 15.

February: Also not a terrible month. More home improvements, Jack and I spent a lot of quality time together, and aside from trying to adjust to less money per month, things were pretty good.

March: Jack had his first surgery, and it might have been in February, but Dad started chemo around this time. Jack had a hard recovery. He had never had surgery or anything like that in his life, so the pain was like nothing he had ever experienced before. He became depressed.

April: Jack continued to heal slowly. Dad's chemo was working, but made him very ill. Mom celebrated her birthday, and I took her out to dinner, just she and I, to give her something special just for her, as she has been running so hard taking Dad to all his appointments, trying to work, and take care of Dad. We had a wonderful dinner. Jack, Alex and I spent Easter with wonderful friends, and had a great time.

May: My birthday month. Mom cooked dinner and made me a cake and we celebrated as a family, but I was depressed. Jack was in as much pain as before the surgery, and physical therapy was not helping. I went with Mom and Dad to a couple of his doctor appointments, and we went out to lunch afterwards. Looking back, I am so glad I got the chance to do that. Dad was in and out of the hospital with complications from his chemo. He contracted radiation pneumonia, and was in the hospital for a week or so, before entering a physical rehab place to try to learn how to function again. School ended.

June: The first week in June, my Dad's breathing crashed while in the rehab facility. They rushed him to the hospital, and my Mom called me and told me the outlook was not good. My Mom and teens spent the next 6 days at the hospital, and I spent as much time as I could there myself as well. The last time my father spoke to me with any clarity was on June 4th. I am glad that the last words we said to each other were " I love you" and " I love you too." Those were not words we used often with each other. Not that we did not love each other, we were just not the outward expressing of emotions type. I spent all night up there with him on the 8th, and I got to hear the last word he ever spoke verbally, to my knowledge anyway. One final flare of clarity before sinking back into unconsciousness. I do not think he said anything after that, but I may be wrong. Jack and I went to see him on the night of the 9th for a couple of hours, and we said our goodbyes. Alex woke me up at 4:40 the next morning,on the 10th, saying something woke her up, she felt like someone was in the room with her. I tucked her back in but knew he was gone. Daddy died at 4:46 AM on June 10th. I am not sure if it was at the end of June, or the first of July, but my 19 year old cousin died from cancer. I joined the team over at Planet Buddha as a contributor.

July: We were all learning how to live and eventually carry on with our lives with Daddy no longer around. It was hard. My nerve issues, with my jaw and my hands, started to get noticeably worse. I started having trouble sleeping, and I was having pain in my legs. I rekindled a friendship, and I am so thankful for it. I attended my cousin's wake with my Mom and the teens. Jack went back to the doctor and had another MRI. His disc had blown out again,which is why he was in so much pain. We started having money issues. I battled a deep depression over losing my Dad.

August: We had to have our phone lines replaced, and shortly thereafter,we started having power surges in the house, like a brown out. We called our landlord and it took the better part of two weeks to get it totally fixed. There was a rift in the family for a while, and it was terrible for me. I started two new segments on my blog, Ten Things Thursday, and Foodie Friday. ( Which will resume again next week! ) I brought my portion of my Dad's ashes home. At the end of the month, I ended up in the E.R. for my nerve issues, and was told after many hours of being poked and prodded that they wanted me to see a neurologist. I did and was told they think I might have early onset of Parkinson's disease, but I needed a full neuro work up and that was over two grand. I did not tell anyone about it. I did not want any one to feel sorry for me, and I did not want to add to my family and friend's burdens that we all seemed to be carrying so much of. So I just kept quiet and wondered how in the hell I was going to get two grand, when we were starting to get into a very dire situation with bills. Jack and I started missing meals so Alex would always have enough. My son turned 14. Alex started the 2nd grade.

September: I was approached by a good friend about joining a project called Samhain's Sirens. I agreed and  met some really wonderful people I am now proud to call friends. Jack had his second back surgery, which was much more invasive and intense than the first one. I pretty much banished him to the bed for the next month, so I would make damn sure he would heal properly and in no way mess his back up again.

October: The Samhain's Sirens project started! NaBloWroMo started! So much writing started lol. I was approached by an author to do an interview with him for his at the time upcoming book. ( Which I have yet to receive the signed copy I was promised. ) My baby girl turned 8. I won a couple of sweet giveaways from the Sirens. There was SO MUCH WRITING lol. We finally scattered my Dad's ashes.

November:  Our money situation has reached critical mass. Everything was in danger of being shut off. We had exhausted every local resource we had. Jack contemplated lying to the doctor at his next appointment so he could go back to work so we would not be in the situation we were in. I begged him not to do that, and thankfully he listened to me. I got to watch my oldest friend in the world give birth to her gorgeous baby girl. I even got to cut the cord. It was the most amazing thing. Alex and I got very sick, and had to miss Thanksgiving, but my wonderful Mom brought us food so we would not miss dinner at least. I broke my toe in a freak accident here at home.

December: Finally, this brings us to December, which is over in just a couple of days. After the first half of the month paralyzed from stress, I ended back in the E.R. in agony. I have written about it a couple of posts ago, so I will not rehash, but they put me on Nerontin and it had helped me so much. I finally announced to the world at large that we were in serious need, and about my possible Parkinson's disease. I started a fundraiser, which is still active, so if any one could help there is still time. ( See the Give Forward button on my sidebar ) Thanks to a few wonderful people, we ended up having a decent Christmas, and now it is all over with. The new year starts next week and I am going to do everything I can to make sure it is a good one. I will be writing about my plans the next time I post. Things have to change.



So there is the readers digest version of the last year. A few bright spots, but a lot of heartache and bad things too. I am so ready to put this year behind me and start fresh next week.

Are you ready to see this year end?




Saturday, January 01, 2011

What I hope to accomplish in 2011

 I have always shied away from making resolutions. I feel they set one up for failure and disappointment if you do not do them or stick with them, so, like so many others, I am making a list of goals. I might not get to all of them, and I might surpass them, you never know.

1. I want to maintain the relationships I have with my family and friends, and improve them if there is opportunity.

2. I want to continue to embrace my role in my house, and learn to love it even more, and take more pride than I already do.

3. If I have to get a job outside the home, then I hope I will find something I enjoy, and that has the right schedule to fit my families needs.

4. I want to continue to grow, and learn new things, including new things about myself.

5. I want to learn more patience as a mother. I made good progress in 2010, but there is so much more I can do to be more patient and to be a better mother.

6. I want to continue to make Jack happy, and let him know just how much I love him.

7. I want to continue to purge things that no longer have a use in my life. Be it people, possessions, ways of thinking or bad habits.

8. I want to become more organized. Again, I made good progress last year and I want to expound upon that.

9. I want to open up more, give more of myself, to the people who deserve it, and learn how to say no to people who do not.

10. I want to get healthy. This is not a goal to just lose weight, because that always fails. I have been having heart issues and I know I have to further change my lifestyle if I want to meet my grandkids.

11. Finally, I want to live more of my life. I want to get out of the house, go places, experience new things with my family, or even on my own once I get a working vehicle. To much of my life is spent behind closed doors, and while there is a time for everything, I feel this withdrawn, batten down the hatches mentality no longer serves me and I want it to change.

So there you have it. Eleven goals for 2011. Notice that most of them already have good foundations, and only need to be improved upon. I think that is easier than having to start all over in things. I have been that route and it never worked out. If you take the good things and make them better, it is more rewarding that having to struggle and fail in something. So many years of my life were wasted trying to do that, and I feel this year will be vastly different, and I am really looking forward to it!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wishing you all a Happy New Year!!!


May the coming year be full of love, health, happiness, and prosperity!!








Saturday, January 02, 2010

This is going to be my year for luuuuuv...

*Crawls out of my cave and looks around, blinking in the bright light*

Howdy guys and gals. I hope you all had a great New Years, and I hope the coming year brings you all that you desire!

New Years Eve Day was weird for me...I bounced back and forth from feeling okay, to really lonely and depressed, all thanks to a Twitter tag lol. The tag was about 10 years ago today or something like that, and it was asking you what were you doing on New Years Eve 1999. After realizing that was a really long time ago, I started thinking about it.

Ten years ago on that day, I was sitting in my house, surrounded by friends, laughing at all the Y2K paranoid people. I was still with my son's father at that time, and my son was a little over a year old. We played games and had a little to drink, laughed and joked and had a really great time.

Then I got to thinking about this New Year' Eve...with no friends around, sitting at home alone because I knew Jack would be in bed, after all he had been up since 4 am as he had to work that day. So I got myself in a good pout session and flopped on the couch to wallow in my self imposed misery. I did this for about 3 hours, Jack even made cinnamon rolls to try and cheer me up, but I just chewed in stony silence, watching TV. Eventually he went to bed about 10:30, he just could not stay up anymore, he was nodding off sitting on the couch.

I trudged back over to my computer and heaved myself into the chair with lots of dramatic sighing. For who I have no idea, since there was no one to hear me lol. My best friend had been trying to get my attention online for a good 45 minutes but the screen saver had kicked in and I did not see it until I sat down. We watched the Dick Clark Rockin New Year's Eve program, laughing and having a great time, and I felt way better thanks to her. I was sad when they showed old Dick however...bless his heart. Such a trooper that one is! I have decided however, that Ryan Seacrest will in fact take over the world one day...you just wait, and when it finally happens remember you heard it here first lol...

I got up several times, especially when Robin Thicke was singing ( I am sorry but if he would take the vice grips off his balls, he might be able to actually sing...that falsetto is AWFUL! ) to go outside and look at the moon. I had been afraid the rain and clouds that were here all day would make it to where I could not see her, but the clouds raced away, and it was a beautiful clear sky.

Not long after my best friend went to conduct her ritual for the evening, and I was talking to another friend. That ended up in a conversation I did not want to have, and I went to bed about 3:30 am...

The next day my best friend, who had done a New Years reading for me, shared what she learned with me, and it was centered around love...love with Jack, love with my kids, and self love. I got chills and started crying because of the thoughts I have been having while in my cave the last month or so. I have things I want to accomplish in my home life this year...with my family....and the things she told me perfectly reflected that, and I had not mentioned my thoughts to her previously, or to anyone else for that matter. It is something I have been chewing on for quite some time. My home life is good, but with just a little more effort from me, a little backing down of my supreme stubbornness, and a whole new level of happiness could be mine. I know this, I just have a hard time taking those first steps at times...because I have been burned in the past, and also from Jack himself, so every time I start to open up, I become afraid and shut back down, only giving enough to make sure it does not all fall apart. That is not acceptable anymore. I can not live my life with one foot out the door anymore, because if I do not commit every bit of myself to my relationship, and only go about it half-assed, then there is no point in being in the relationship in the first place. If you can't give your all, then you don't need to be there.

The other part of her message also made me cry..and it was the message about self love. No not THAT kind of self love, lol. The kind of love that means you take care of yourself, in order to be healthy and balanced mentally and emotionally. As so many mothers and women do, I come last. I put myself last. I have been taking care of someone else my whole life, from the time I was old enough to basically run my parents household with the cooking and cleaning, and my Dad was the type where I had to bring EVERYTHING to him. He was not lazy, he worked 18 hours a day, and was always doing something at home, but I was constantly having to fix him food,, bring his drinks, take off his boots for him after work ( when I was younger, once I got about 12 I refused ) go and fetch him whatever he thought he needed at the time, even if it was something near him. Drove me nuts. But because of that, it set a pattern in my life. I waited on whomever I was with hand and foot, and they took advantage of it and I got hurt, a lot. I always put myself last. I still do, although not anywhere near the degree I did when I first left home. I am strong and I power through, but my mental balance is seriously affected at times, especially when it comes to Alex. She is a wonderful child but a very draining one, and I am with her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So when months and months go buy and I do not get a brief respite, then I get really cranky and short tempered. Saturdays used to be my day to sleep in and be alone while Jack and Alex went food shopping, but since hunting season is in, that has stopped and I do not see Jack much on the weekends.

So the other part of my message was to take care of myself, to put myself first and make sure I was whole, that way I was better able to live my life with love and happiness. That will probably be the hardest part of all this. I accept myself for what I am, and what I am not, and I am okay with that. I do not care what other people think about me, they can either take me or leave me, I do not really care either way...but when forced to look REALLY deep inside myself, and learn to love myself fully and unconditionally, well, that is a whole different story, and I admit, will take some work. The easy thing for me is to just say " Oh I will do this for me later, or take some time to go do that for myself later..." knowing full well later never comes. Jack is supportive, he tells me all the time to do what makes me happy, go for a walk, or do whatever, but my own sense of guilt kicks in and I end up saying something like " Oh I will later, it's okay."

All in all, it was a very symbolic reading, and it really hit home for me. I am so glad and thankful that she did this for me, as it really gave me affirmation that the direction I was going was indeed the right one to be on.

I am having to make a conscious effort to write. I do not normally like to force writing, because then things do not sound the way I intend them, or my writer's block takes on an added level of intensity, but this time it is about breaking old habits and patterns and revamping myself this year. I will not make "resolutions" because I will not keep them, but l am starting a life altering leg of my journey, hopefully one that will dictate the rest of my life and how I live it.

So this cave dwelling is over for now, and I am slowly coming back out from darkness to be in the light...

Balance.



Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Once in a Blue Moon...

Yeah, I had to drag it out. Everyone else is, so why not? Lol.

Tomorrow is a pretty magical night, Blue Moon, partial lunar eclipse, New Years Eve. Big stuff. However, as it usually happens on all awesome celestial happenings, it will be raining here in "Sunny" Florida..(scoffs) so I have been spending some time outside tonight. The clouds are racing in, covering the moon from time to time, only to race away again and light up my yard as bright as day. It is beautiful, stark, and cold. I love it.

A few minutes ago I was outside, watching Alex run around in the moonlight, chasing the cat around, and staring up at the moon, and a memory from the past filtered into my mind. Of course we have all heard of "The Man in the Moon," but I always saw it as the "Mother In the Moon" because to me, it looks like the face of a gentle and concerned mother, looking down on her children. It brought me comfort. The memory was from back when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and I was staying in Tennessee for the summer with my cousin Leeanna, and we were roller skating one night under her concrete carport, and the moon was full. I stopped skating and told her about my Mother in the moon thing, and she laughed and said everyone knew it was the Man in the Moon, but what everyone did NOT know was that if you stared at the full moon for too long, that you would magically be transported somewhere else, far away from your family and home. Now I was pretty sure that was hogwash, but the moon has always had its mysteries, so I gave this a lot of thought.

I started wondering if it were true, and how could you be prepared if such a thing happened. Like, what if I were holding a family members hand when it happened, or what if I had a little suitcase full of things I might need in case of magical teleportation. I mean, this was serious stuff for a 10 year old to ponder! Lol...

For a long time after that, I would not look at the moon for longer than a few seconds at a time. Better safe than sorry you know? But over the years I would remember that night, and how it just added to the magical quality of the moon for me.

So tonight, I look upon her in all her glory..and remember a bit of the magic of my youth...

Have a wonderful New Year my friends. I wish you all love, joy, prosperity, hope, success, and happiness...

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