Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Floating in limbo...

The countdown has begun. I have just six days before I go back to the doctor, and if my ankle is still in "good" shape, meaning if the bones and hardware have not moved, I will get a walking cast and will be in the home stretch of this cast business. I considered trying to beg the doctor not to put another one one if I promised not to put any weight on it, but as they want me to start using it soon, I guess that would be counter productive. Besides, who am I kidding, I am putting light weight on it NOW in order to get up and down stairs, so I will need the protection and support of the cast.

After I get the walking cast on Monday, next Friday here will be my last day at my parent's house, and as much as I wanted to go home in the beginning, I am now pretty happy to be here, and I am not looking forward to going home and being with out my older two kids. It has been a dream to be with them every day, and I will miss them terribly. My son is so sweet, he has gotten up early several times on school days just to make he and I French Toast for breakfast, and he goes out of his way to help me with things.

I just feel as if I am in a perpetual state of limbo. Waiting on the leg to heal, waiting to go home, waiting for changes to come to my household. I wish I could say more about that, but I am afraid to jinx it, and if anyone wants to throw some good vibes and positive energy my way that Jack and I achieve our goals in this situation would be much appreciated!

I can take care of myself now, and would already be home if I were able to get Alex on and off the bus, but as I can not make it to the bus stop yet I will be here until I can get used to walking on the walking cast when they put it on.

Other than that, not much is going on. I read a lot, and I spend time with the kids, and I go home with Jack on weekends. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

Last weekend I did manage to cook for the first time since I got hurt, made some yummy potato soup from scratch, and I cleaned the kitchen and the counters, and even managed to do a load of laundry. I can do for myself now, it just takes me a lot longer to do it, and I have to sit down a lot. I have begun to try to build my endurance, last Friday I stood outside on the front deck for 15 minutes while waiting for Alex to get off the bus and I thought I was going to die. I was on my crutches and it was warm outside, and suddenly I got dizzy and nauseous and my good leg wanted to give out. A friend said it sounded like vertigo, which would make sense as I am always sitting or laying down, so being up for that long made my body freak out. The hardest part of all this now is how weak and tired I am when I get around on my crutches, so I have been trying to exercise my legs with leg lifts and modified sit ups to strengthen my back muscles, which have weakened as well and cause me some discomfort. All of this is better than the agony I was in the first two weeks, so I am not really complaining lol.

So now it is just a waiting game. It is amazing how well the body adapts to injury, the cast is somewhat "normal" now and unless I am hurting I hardly think about it. I was talking with a friend last night and he said that soon I will be back to normal, and I had to disagree with him,.as with the hurt leg and all the changes that have or are about to take place, what was "normal" before I got hurt will never be the same again. Granted, in another month all the casts will come off ( hopefully ) and I should be ambulatory, but I will have pain and swelling for a year or more, and my gait will take that long to be somewhat close to normal again, if ever. I may walk with a cane for the rest of my life, I just do not know, and none of us will until time passes. I found out that the people I thought were my friends were not, and that one of those friends is actually a relative of Jack's, which somehow made it worse. So that part of my "normal" life is done and over with. The other two things which I can not name yet will also make sure that what was normal before I got hurt will not be normal after. Not in a bad way or anything, but I AM a Taurus and you know how we feel about change.

One thing I am glad of is that the soul crushing depression is over. I expected the physical pain, but the mental and emotional pain just about did me in. No one tells you that part. They tell you that your injury will hurt, and here is some meds to help, but no one tells you about the depression, and loneliness and sadness and guilt and frustration. No one helps with that, they usually make it worse. people think that " Oh it is not that bad, she is not curling up in a ball crying, she can deal with it herself." Well at first, you CAN'T deal with ANYTHING yourself, and even later, when you can, you still need help, and when you are the type who does everything for everyone else, it is HARD to ask someone else for help, and even worse when and if you get an attitude for asking. So if you know someone who does not have use of a limb, show some kindness, because their life has an added level of difficulty that you simply can't fathom unless you have gone through it yourself. This has certainly made me gain respect for those who have lost limbs totally. I will heal and this nightmare will be over, but for these people, it is now a way of life, and they deserve some kindness and help.

That sums it up for now. I hope everyone is doing well!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Seems like there is an awful lot going on in your life right now...
Good vibrations for positive results are headed your way.
found you on NaBloWriMo