Somewhere I belong...

I am struggling again.

I am sure the stress of the last two weeks has played a huge part in that. The constant running around, the constant phone calls, ( we all  know how I feel about the phone ) Jack being so ill and away from us. I fully understand all those things have affected me.

There is more to it.

I have been in hermit mode the last few days. I have not wanted to really speak to anyone, or do anything. I needed some down time. Certain  people are not understanding or accepting of my Summer schedule. I am a night owl at heart, and all school year long  we are up very early in the morning and go to bed around ten at night. In the Summer, we get to flip around. Alex and I both rather be up at night and sleep during the day. Unless we have appointments to keep, that is what we will do...but other people do not like that much. They do not understand it, it is not what they do, so they scoff at it, or make snide remarks. It bugs me. I am 34 years old, full grown, and at this time in my life, I do not have set schedule that I HAVE to follow, nor do I until August rolls around. No one here has any problems with it. Jack does not mind, and he  is slowly swapping around to our schedule. He has no set time to do ANYTHING, so he can sleep and be awake whenever he pleases. It actually saves us money for Alex and I to be up at night. The cost of electricity is much cheaper at night, while during the day, "peak hours" cost more. Our light bill actually dropped since we flipped around. So for us, it works out much better to have this schedule. Why others have issues with it is beyond me.

The other issue is that I have been feeling very out of place. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I try to be friends with people...and I  suddenly feel very awkward...like I am the butt of a silent joke that everyone is aware of except me. I feel alone and different. On the outside looking in. If I throw myself out there, I get shut down, or worse, I feel like I am being tolerated. I hate that. I much rather someone come right out and say "Look, I really do not like you, we have nothing in common, and I am only nice to you because I either feel sorry for you, or because you are friends with someone I care about. You and me? Not so much. " I can deal with that. I can RESPECT that. I just hate feeling like I am the person that everyone tolerates in order to not seem rude.

I only have ONE person that I do not feel that way with. Out of the many people I have semi-often to often interactions with, I only have ONE that I am 100% comfortable with, and who I know will tell me in a heart beat that I am being an ass, or unreasonable, or that when she says she loves me, I know she 100% means it. Our lives are so similar and parallel that she is the one person who gets it, and I know I am that person for her too. She is priceless to me, and I would be totally lost without her.

( There are  a couple of others that I know are sincere and  do show it, this is not about them. )

It sucks though. I have others in  my life who say they feel the same, they care, they are here anytime...but I do not see it from them. I do not feel it from them. Now, I fully understand that I have a mental illness. Being bipolar means that we view the world a little differently, and that view is not always rational. I know that sometimes, the problem is simply me, it is in my own mind. However, I have been dealing with this long enough to recognize when I am being mental and unreasonable, and when there is actually something going on behind the scenes. I can't shake the feeling that something is not right in Whoville. It hurts. It hurts because I do not feel comfortable in going to these people and point blank asking them what the deal is. I am scared that the problem  is all in my head, and asking them or mentioning it to them will only serve to make me that much more of an outsider. I hate  feeling this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Not the good kind of freak.

I feel very alone.

Sometimes I need to be alone, I am an introvert after all.  This feeling of loneliness is much deeper. I feel lonely in my soul. I don't like it.

I have been cycling more rapidly these days...but instead of going from super low to super high and back again, I have been cycling from low to really low and back again. The upswing is not  actually UP, there is no happy part...just a slightly less intense low. I have a call in to my doctor for next week...I am waiting to hear back for an appointment to discuss changing my meds. I am involved in phone therapy, which is both a blessing ( because we do not have the gas money to make three trips into town a week to see the doctor physically ) and a curse, because I dislike the phone so intensely.

I just feel really lost and alone, and nothing I am doing is working to bring me out of it.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of making it worse, and I will end up even more alone. I am afraid that if I do not say anything, nothing will change and I will still be the butt of the joke, and alone. I am afraid that it is all in my head, even though I KNOW deep down that this time, there is something going on to make me  feel this way.

I do not like feeling like the crazy person everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I do not like feeling like there is a lot of whispering going on behind my back. I don't like feeling that people view me as some high maintenance "friend" that everyone has to constantly deal with.

I have been trying to be kind to myself. I realize the anniversary of my Dad passing, Jack getting sick, having to deal with Dad not being here for Father's Day, Jack not being here for Father's Day, Jack losing his doctor, ( he is moving his practice somewhere else in Florida ) the mediation for settlement coming up...I realize all those things are affecting me, and I have been trying to be really kind to myself. I sleep when I feel the need to, I eat right ( we ALWAYS eat right though, I am not one of those that cram all manner of crap in my face and then complain about how crappy I feel. I don't care what you eat, as long as you enjoy it...but we enjoy eating good and wholesome foods. ) and have been adding more natural vitamins and stuff to my diet, trying to combat the lows and being tired. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with Alex, laughing and being silly with her. Aside from Jack being a bit grumpy due to pain, things are great between he and I. I have been playing games with Alex, cooking us yummy food, being silly, relaxing and resting. I am doing things I usually enjoy. I still feel terribly empty and alone though. I do not know what else to do to fix it. I am not sure if I can fix it. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor about what my diagnosis is for all my testing. I am pretty sure the answer will be  that I have MS, so I have been trying to prepare myself for that, and what it will mean for me and my family.  I am lucky that I have a rock solid person in my life, the one I mentioned earlier, who is well versed in all things involving MS...so I will have her to help me. It is still very scary though.

 I have also been feeling like a selfish ass. It is not like I am the only person with problems. My friends all have their own lives. They have health problems, money problems, mental problems, life problems. Everyone is going through their own version of life, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I hate even talking about my own issues, because so many people out there have it worse, or have their own stuff to deal with. But as a friend told me once, just because other people have it worse, or have their own stuff going on, that does not mean what I am going though is not important, or that my feelings are not valid. I just hate to dump all my shit on someone else when they are going through their own stuff. It makes me feel like my own problems are so petty and unimportant. Even though to me the problems are massive and important, I know that to others, it is very low on the scale of things that constitute a major issue.

What do I do about it? Who do I turn to when I feel like people do not even want to talk to me, and because of my issues, I cannot even accurately judge if that is true, that they do NOT want to talk to me...or am I just being a head case and jumping at shadows? How do I combat the feelings of being alone when I am to unsure of myself to talk to anyone?

I am asking for help, but I am admitting that I do not know what kind of help I need. I don't want to be that one person that everyone just deals with, and rolls their eyes when they read stuff like this and think, " Everyone get ready, Bella has lost her mind again. Here we go with the bullshit!" I am asking for some honestly and clarity. I am asking that the people who are in my life to stay because they actually want me in their  life, and if they are just going through the motions or tolerating me, I ask that those people tell me that, so we can part ways and move on so they no longer have to deal with me, and I no longer have to worry about if they really want to be there or not.

I am asking, for those that stay, to forgive me for any weirdness, for my struggling, for not being totally sane and level all the time. I am asking for understanding, because I am just trying to figure this shit out as I go, just like everyone else. I am asking for those in my life to tell me what THEY need from me...because I want to be there for all of you. I do not want it to be about me all the time. I will give people the shirt off my back if it will help. Just know that sometimes things go sideways in my brain, and I need a little something extra every now and then. Tomorrow I might be on top of the world, and the next day I might be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I no longer have to go through this.

It is hard, and I try very hard to not let this define me, but the honest truth is, this IS a part of who I am. Glossing over it or sweeping it under the rug does no good. It means I am not being honest with myself, and it means that I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not to my friends and people I care about. I rather have one single person who truly wants to be around me than 30 people who just tolerate me because they are nice people. That may be too much to ask, but I do not really think it is. We all deserve honesty.

I think this will end my rambling tonight. If you are still reading, thank you. I know these things are not a fun read, and people probably get tired of hearing it,  but if I do not get it out, then it festers and turns into something even uglier than what it already is.

I care about all of you, and I hope that you stick around as I try to navigate the sometimes rough waters of life. I appreciate you all.

Breakdown...

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week or so.

To start with, as most already know, I am bipolar, and I was hit with a pretty rough down swing.

I spent way to much time in my own head, which is a dangerous thing at times. I started looking at everything and everyone with bitter and jaded eyes. I felt very alone, and unloved. I started comparing what I did as a friend and what other people did as a friend, and felt that most of my "friendships" were very one-sided. I felt that I was the one doing all the work, and when I needed people, no one was there. Not that I ASKED them to be there, mind you. I just thought everyone should telepathically know that I was losing my shit and needed someone to fix me, help me, save me, take care of me for a change. So I went on a 4 day social networking silence...waiting to see when someone would notice.

No one did.

Or rather, no one came forward and said they did, until after the fact.

Then, I had an ugly public meltdown on one of my social networking pages. That is something I do not do very much...and I was horrified after the fact. I felt so very foolish. I tried to do some damage control, but there are still a couple of people who are making their displeasure known. I apologized, and there is not much more I can do about that.  As I said in my apology, even the strongest stone can crack under the right amount of pressure.

I cracked.

It all just got to me. I was lonely, upset, scared, and overwhelmed. We have been in one of those " Omg, what are we going to do until the next check gets here, bills are piling up, our supplies are dwindling, I have to have all of these tests and I have to wait until we have the gas money.." periods. It sucks. ( No, his check has not gotten here yet. We still have a week to go. It is not going to be pretty. It sucks when one simple thing will fix it all *money* and that is the one thing we do not have, and neither does anyone else.)

I tried to talk to Jack...but that is not any help, as he is mired in the same crap I am. Only his mental state was a little worse, since he is the one who has always provided for us, and he feels like a failure. I needed to be reassured, but so did he, and we just did not have anything left to give each other in the way of comfort.

Feeling upset about our current situation got me to thinking about all those people who said "If I can help, let me know!" Yet, when I finally stuffed my dignity in a corner and asked, of course there was no help from those people. I will not go into my feelings on that, because none of them are nice. Or particularly rational.

The next step in the downward spiral was to become angry about everything my friends did.

( I don't hate anyone, but the rest is fitting )

"Look at that bitch, always taking a nap and laying down every time he/she gets a hangnail. Oh you have a migraine? You have cramps? You have to study? You have to go grocery shopping? You sliced your hand open on something? You have the flu? You are in the hospital? Well TO BAD! I sit here no matter what I feel like, I AM HERE, why can't anyone else suck it up and be here when it is so obvious that I am losing my mind, even though I have not said a single word about it to anyone, can't they read my silence as something OMINOUS"?

Yeah. Can we say ridiculous? I was angry at other people for taking care of themselves, just because I am always here, no matter how bad I feel. Very stupid thinking.

Then came the getting  pissed off at my family. "Why do they only call when they want something from me? When they want me to fix something, or get them something, or do something? Why can't they ever contact me just to make sure I am not dead, to see if we need anything ( and actually help us with something, instead of just saying it out of social obligation. ) There is a lot of truth in that, but my Mom will call if she has not heard from me in a while and check on us.

So I started looking for the negative in everything, and we all know where that gets us.

No where.

Once I made my problems known in my meltdown, I actually got a lot of support. As one friend said, "if you need to talk, then LET ME KNOW." Well there is a novel idea. Instead of stewing in silence, I could say "Hey, I need some love here."

The next day, I was embarrassed at my outburst, and I read everything over again, and saw the love that is there, if I only reach out and tap into it.

It was a hard and embarrassing lesson to learn.

I then made the comment that I wished therapy were free...and a friend asked me if I had medicaid, and if so, then therapy was available. I had never thought of that. So yesterday, after talking with that friend, and another new friend ( whom I find myself liking more and more every time I talk to her)  who is also in the process of seeking help, I made a couple of phone calls after looking in my provider handbook and seeing they do indeed offer mental health help. I called two of the four therapists in my network. One I did not like the vibe from, and the other, after first asking  me if I were suicidal ( I'm not ) told me half her staff was out sick, she was swamped, and could she call me back today. I said yes, because even in the short amount of time we spoke, I liked her, so I am waiting to hear back from her.

I need outside help, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I need someone else to examine my brain instead of just me. I know what is wrong, but I can't fix it alone, and neither can well meaning friends, as willing as they are to let me bounce things off of them. I need to learn how to handle all of this mentally, and I probably need my meds looked at and possibly changed. It has been a long time since they have been adjusted.

I just can't do this alone anymore. My mind is twisting bad things into monumentally horrible things. I have enough going on in my life, the last thing I need is to sabotage myself on top of it. I have to learn how to not shut down, and how to not look at innocent things as the enemy. Yes, I am lonely, but if I keep this up, I will be truly alone, and I do not think I could handle that.

So that is what has been going on in the last week. SO much CRAP stuffed into a few days. It was not a good time to be in my own mind. It is like a bad acid trip...normal and innocent things look like big scary monsters and bad things that want to hurt me. I hope that this therapist wants to work with me. I am looking forward to it...to letting someone outside of all the crap I am going through ( who has no emotional ties to me ) help me look at things more objectively. I feel it can really be a lot of help.

That is what I am hoping anyways. That is my plan.

Well, there it is. That is what I have been dealing with, and I hope it is all over soon.

Have any of you ever had episodes like this? What did you to do deal with it? Did you seek outside help, or struggle through it alone? If you have any tips, please let me know in the comments!

Until next time....

Like this post? Like this blog? Like me? Then PLEASE use one of the buttons below and share me with your friends! I will love you forever!

Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel empty...even on the best of days.

Nothing is exactly wrong, but nothing is exactly right, either.

Perpetual limbo is it's own special kind of hell.

Sympathetic murmurs and pity filled eyes everywhere I turn.

Surrounded by loving well-wishers.

Even while appreciated, words no longer help.

We still feel alone.

Avoided like lepers.

No one wants to be around the downtrodden.

Two tired and weary faces mirrored in each other across the dining table.

Looking for hope in each other's eyes, but finding only the same exhausted defeat.

Backs turned towards each other in the night.

Clutching our pillows; silent tears slipping down our cheeks.

Hoping not to wake the other as we plead silently to the Universe to answer our call.

Yet we each feel the shaking of the bed, as suppressed sobs wrack our bodies.

We each pretend not to notice, trying to preserve what little dignity the other has left.

Fake smiles and false laughter to reassure our reason for existing that everything is okay.

Hearts shattering each time her tiny requests have to be answered with "I'm sorry, but no."

Sleepy narcotic hazes that never fully stop the pain.

Bodies that work against us, making each movement a Herculean effort.

Positive thoughts and affirmations becoming harder to maintain.

Sleep is no reprieve.

Reality becomes the nightmare, for the nightmare is the reality.

Endless days running together.

Time drags on.

Sometimes I feel empty...even on the best of days....

Like this post? Like this blog? Like me? Then please click one of the buttons below and share me with your friends. I will love you forever!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So it has been an interesting few days. My eldest daughter turned 16, but due to Alex being sick, we were unable to celebrate with her, as we can not be around my Mom if we are sick. It feels like yesterday that she was a tiny squalling thing, and now she is almost grown.

We got a free kitchen table and four chairs from our neighbor. They were kind of beat up, but it is a ceramic tile topped table, and I can see how pretty it will be after I finish getting it sanded and painted. I will take before and after pics to show you my progress. We have not had a kitchen table since we moved here almost 8 years ago, ( we eat on the couch ) so it will be nice to have dinner there and have the work space when needed. I am really excited about the project! It felt so good to be out there in the sun and fresh air working with the power sander. It was the first time I felt accomplished about something in a very long time.

Jack is scheduled to have two back to back MRIs soon, one with contrast dye and one without. He popped something in his back Friday before last, and has been  in a lot of pain ever since. They had to put him back on his heavy duty pain killers, which he had been off of for months. It seems like all he can do is sleep ( due to pain and heavy duty pain killers making him sleepy ) or stand in the back propped on the dryer so he can smoke at the back door as it hurts him to move up and down the steps at times. He is depressed still...and just bleh. I miss his spark.

I am trying very hard to not be bummed out right now. Our landlord raised our rent due to higher property taxes, in a time when we have to go to extreme measure just to pay the old rent amount. My phone will probably be cut off in the next few days, after the 16th of next month my net will go, and the $200 I get in food stamps used to last us a month now hardly lasts two weeks due to the increase in food prices. ( That is with me shopping VERY frugally ) We have ran out of gas in the truck twice, one a couple of weeks ago, forcing Jack to walk two miles to a gas station to get enough gas to get home, afterwards he could not move for two days due to agonizing pain from the walk, and then yesterday after we had to go pick up Alex from school because she was sick, and we had to walk about a half a mile to the gas station. We are constantly running low or short on things like toilet paper and body soap, laundry soap and dish soap, because my food stamps do not cover those things. I got a few donations from people right after I posted about our need, which helped us for that one month, and I am grateful, but that is long gone and the bills do not go away unfortunately.

One of the reasons I do not write much anymore is because I have nothing good to say most days, and I know people are tired of hearing me complain and be needy. I am tired of hearing me complain and be needy too, so I just shut up. I have great people in my life who are very emotionally giving and light candles and pray for us, which is great..but our needs are purely physical. Food, shelter, ways of communication,  reliable transportation. None of those things are a given any more and it is one of the worst things in the world, to never, ever feel secure and know that things are going to be okay. I can't remember the last time I felt safe and secure.

Alex is unhappy, she cries at the drop of a hat, she is moody and argumentative...and I know it is because of our situation. She is a very sensitive little girl and even though we do our best to shelter her and hide how dire things are from her, she still feels it rolling off of us. It hurts to see my sweet little girl turn into this sad shadow of herself, just like it hurts to see what was once a strong and fiery man turn into a ghost of what he once was. I know I have changed in so many ways as well. None of us are whole anymore. I do not know what else I can do. Once I lose the phone, Jack will be unable to be in the required communication with his doctors, workers comp agency, and lawyers, and I will be unable to talk back and forth with the MJF Foundation who is trying to set me up with a doctor here in town, or any other doctor I might need, not to mention the school will have no way to contact me if Alex needs to be picked up. Once I lose the net, all contact with the world at large will cease. I do not know what to do, and we are all hurting and in despair.

One step forward and two steps back is how it always seems to feel. One good or great thing will happen, I get happy for a minute and WHAM! Two bad or terrible things hit us.

I am letting people down, and I feel like a big jerk about it. Things that were supposed to be great failed horribly, I can't seem to mentally or emotionally commit to anything right now, due to just being sick with worry ( which triggers flare ups in my body ) and unable to focus on anything very long.

I am out of options and out of hope. Every time we get back on our feet, something snatches the rug out from under us. I  was reading about another blogger who raised over ten grand for a family of total and complete strangers..that he expect a few hundred bucks, but got thousands, and while I cried because I was so happy that people pulled together to give to people they did not even know, and give those people a better life, at the same time I admit I was bitter and I was crying because I wished something similar could happen to us. I cry at night because it is not fair. Jack worked so hard, every single day. He was not lazy, or looking for a handout, he busted his ass 6 days a week to give us what little we had, and I worked my ass of when I was employed, and I work my ass off here trying to give my family a home. We are good people, we do not use drugs, we do not drink, we do not lie, cheat, and steal. Yet we are the ones having to suffer, while people keep punching out kids to get welfare, buying drugs with their cash assistance, or get a free ride while not contributing anything to the universe...those people drive brand new cars, have nice houses, and all the food they can eat. We work our ass off and do not have shit.  If not for my mother and a few beautiful souls that shared their children's clothes with her at Christmas, Alex would not have clothes. Not being able to give her what she needs and wants makes me want to curl in a ball and die. I love my family more than anything, and I cannot assure them that we will be okay, and I know Jack feels even worse than I do about it. It kills him to have to rely on anyone but ourselves, and the last 4 months have ripped him apart inside. He thinks I do not hear, but I hear him in the shower, or at night when he thinks I am asleep, crying.

Jack.does.not.cry.

But I have heard him trying to sob quietly so as not to alarm us. It kills me.

So that is where we are, what we are doing, and why we are doing it.

Depressing read, I know. Sorry. But that is my life right now.

If anyone still wants to help, the pay pal buttons are still up in the corner.

Tired...

I am tired folks. Flat out tired. It has been a long week...month...Summer...year. This whole year has been one gigantic crapfest and I am just tired to my core. There have been a few bright moments, and I am very thankful for them, but unfortunately there is not enough good to offset the bad these days.

Take just the last week for starters. Rain. Never. Ending. Rain. It has been raining every single day, 75% of the day, for two months. No exaggeration. All day rain. I feel like I am molding. Friday night Alex and I were up and the power kept surging. I was not surprised..because it was RAINING and our power goes out all the freaking time in the rain. It did this for about 15 minutes and then seemed to regulate. So we went to bed shortly thereafter. Jack woke me up at 8 on Saturday because it was doing it again, and the surging was so bad we were afraid for our electronics and the lights, and they were all bright as the sun. So we killed the main breaker and called the power company. They came out and determined that our main breaker outside was fried. So we called the landlord, as it is his responsibility to fix these things. Of course, it was a weekend and he is cheap and does not want to pay weekend service charges, so he gave us some bullshit story about nothing being open and he could do nothing until Monday. So I called my Mom and she was kind enough to let us come stay the weekend with her, and we would just bring Alex to the bus stop Monday morning and then come to the house and wait for the electrician, which was supposed to be here first thing in the morning. We did that, and came home and waited. The old guy finally shows up and says "Yep, the breaker is fried." ( No shit Sherlock, we already TOLD you that. ) So he says he has to go get the breaker as he did not have one like that on hand, and would be back in a couple of hours. 6 hours later he calls and says he has it but it is pouring ( as usual ) and he can not fix it in the rain, so he would be over first thing the next morning. So I call Mom and ask if we can stay one more night and she agrees.

So we pack up and head back over there. I will not go into details, but later, we all got into a wicked fight over some one else's lies and a mistake on Jack's part, and we ended up having to leave, to come home to a house with no power and no way to eat and no way to get Alex up the next morning. I was very unhappy. Other things happened, which are personal , but I was heartbroken and sick with all the stress and drama, and I got a wicked migraine that almost sent me to the hospital it was so bad. Jack ended up staying up half the night so Alex would get up on time, and he got her up and off to school. He had to take her to school because the bus never showed. We found out later the bus had a headlight out and was being fixed. Nice of them to call and let us know. I was still in bed, my head was pounding and I could hardly stand.

He gets home around 9 and the landlord calls and says the guy will be out there soon. 2 hours go by, and it was starting to get dark and I knew it was about to rain. Two not so nice calls by me to the landlord later ( I never get mouthy with these people, but I have just had enough of everybody and their bullshit, by law he has to provide us with power ( as long as we pay the bill of course ) and it had been four days and I had to spend the night there with a 7 year old with no way to eat or anything, as our stuff is electric and it was pouring so we could not cook outside, so I was just beyond fed up. It starts raining, and with each drop I get angrier and angrier. I call the landlord back and I told him I do not care if the guy has to come out with an umbrella and some rubber ducks, but he needs to get my power back on NOW. 20 minutes later the electrician shows up, puts the breaker in and finds out that did not solve the issue. So now we were facing a house wiring issue. I was near tears by this point. An hour and much tracking of mud all over my friggen house later, the guy finds out that when that moron who came over to put our new phone lines in, also managed to not only break our water pipes in two places, in addition to cutting every single other phone line in the neighborhood and having to come back and repair them, he ALSO managed to cut the ground wire leading from the meter box to our house. So un-grounded power was surging through our home. I thought I was going to have a stroke. Luckily the electrician ran us a temp line from the box to the house, above ground, and is supposed to come back out Thursday to bury the wire once he gets the proper machine to do so, and that will be fixed. So at least we have power back. Then came the fun of my landlord screaming at me to get him the name of the jerk who cut it, since he was going to make him pay the 1300 dollars it is taking to get us back up and running. Lots of fun.

Add to that we are beyond broke, the only reason we have food in the house is because my Mom cleaned out her freezers and gave us the stuff so we would not starve, the truck needs a fuel pump and only works half the time, leaving us sitting on the side of the road more than once, the doctors are dragging their feet with Jack, family issues, stress after stress and I have had just about as much as I can take. I have migraines daily, and I told Jack that I was going to end up either dying from a heart attack or my brain would explode from the migraines. The family issues also screwed up a 20 year friendship with Jack and one of his oldest friends, and all because some ego tripping power complex having asshole decided to tell three different sets of lies to three different people, resulting in a lot of heartache, broken relationships, and loss of time and money, and us having to pay money we do not have for something we had nothing to do with. All I can say is that man better hope I never lay eyes on him again.

I may gripe every now and then, but this is a hole I just can not seem to drag myself out of. I do not know what to do, or where to turn, or how to fix it. I am a positive ( albeit realistic ) thinker, but this...I am not finding much to be positive in my life right now. I know that eventually things will turn around, but this year, and most of last year, have been terrible, and I can no longer see the light up ahead, guiding me on my way, and the batteries in my flashlight are dead.

I am tired of tripping over rocks and falling in the dark...I really need to find a light switch.

I DID IT!!!

I did it! I walked 3.1 miles yesterday in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk! All the way, never stopping, never resting, and I was hot footing it towards the finish line yesterday because my bad knee on my "good" leg was screaming lol. I DID IT!!

I was nervous all day, hoping I could handle it. If you count the three hours we walked around before the official walk I walked about 8 miles total yesterday. On my busted ankle. No pain in the ankle, then or now, but my knee on the other leg and the bottom of both feet hurt this morning. Nothing unusual though, I felt the exact same way when I started walking last Winter down the long dirt road next to my house. I got in the truck when we were done and once we got out of the town center where we walked I burst into tears. I was so proud of myself.


The walk yesterday almost did not happen since the company Jack works for totally dropped the ball and bailed on the whole thing. No one else from the company showed up. We went anyway because it was so important to me on so many levels. For one, I am a cervical cancer survivor myself, and so many of my family have died due to cancer, including breast cancer. It is a cause most dear to me. I also felt the need to go and represent, to show my husbands company ( we are friends with the boss so it was a personal let down that no one else showed ) what you were SUPPOSED to do. I was so upset that the company bailed, I felt like I had to go just to show them up and show them what it should have been like.

However, even though the cause was special to me in those ways, the most special reason was to prove to MYSELF that I could do it. When I got hurt, I got thrown into the worst situation I have ever been in. Considering my life thus far, that is saying something. The physical agony and not being able to do anything was bad enough, but the resulting mental anguish and deep emotional depression I was caught in almost did me in. I do not mean to sound lame or dramatic, but the honest truth is I considered many times how to kill myself just to make it stop. The pain, the helplessness, the frustration, the depression, the loneliness, the anger....it almost made me literally lose my mind. I was convinced I would never be able to walk again. After I began to heal, I still did not feel like myself ( and to be honest I STILL do not, but it's close ) and I was still miserable. Even after I came home and got rid of those infernal crutches and started walking with the boot ( and now without the boot inside the house, the air helped heal my incisions, you know, the ones that the internal sutures decided to crawl out of? *Shudders* ) I still felt like crap because I could still not resume life as I knew it before I got hurt. I could not stand at the stove or sink to cook or wash dishes for any length of time, and I STILL can't stand at the sink for more than 10 minutes. but I can cook with ease again ) I could not do laundry, or make my bed. I could feed us and I could walk Alex to the bus stop every day but that was about it.

I mean it is just a life changing injury, one that I never expected it to be. I have learned a lot on this journey about help and love and  being able to adapt, and how to do my best to hold the fragile pieces of my shattered mind together through all this. Bones are not the only thing that became fractured and splintered during this process. So for me, yesterday was my moment. My battle between who I was before I got hurt and who I became after I got hurt. The real me won. I beat myself. My shadow of despair now has a walking boot print on her forehead. I sat in Jack's truck, tears rolling down my face, saying " I did it" over and over again. Mr. Stoic Man himself grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard, with tears in his own eyes and said " You did it baby, you won. I am so proud of you!"

I mean yeah,sure, it is only a 3.1 mile walk...but for me...it has been a journey of a thousand miles...

I did it.

Now I leave you with some pics from yesterday. They were taken with Perth's camera phone so we all look shorter and wider than we really are lol...

Here is a shot of Jack, Alex and I...

Here is one of Perth and I....

 


Alex's pretty painted face...

Pic of Jack helping me down a hill during the walk. Uneven terrain is still hard for me, as are hills, so of course part of the route has both AT THE SAME TIME lol...

Perth and Jack....

Perth and Alex walking....

I took a few more of the band and some belly dancers and stuff but the camera would not zoom enough so you really can not see much. These were the good ones. So yeah. Pictorial PROOF that I did it lol. We had a blast and look forward to next year!

Floating in limbo...

The countdown has begun. I have just six days before I go back to the doctor, and if my ankle is still in "good" shape, meaning if the bones and hardware have not moved, I will get a walking cast and will be in the home stretch of this cast business. I considered trying to beg the doctor not to put another one one if I promised not to put any weight on it, but as they want me to start using it soon, I guess that would be counter productive. Besides, who am I kidding, I am putting light weight on it NOW in order to get up and down stairs, so I will need the protection and support of the cast.

After I get the walking cast on Monday, next Friday here will be my last day at my parent's house, and as much as I wanted to go home in the beginning, I am now pretty happy to be here, and I am not looking forward to going home and being with out my older two kids. It has been a dream to be with them every day, and I will miss them terribly. My son is so sweet, he has gotten up early several times on school days just to make he and I French Toast for breakfast, and he goes out of his way to help me with things.

I just feel as if I am in a perpetual state of limbo. Waiting on the leg to heal, waiting to go home, waiting for changes to come to my household. I wish I could say more about that, but I am afraid to jinx it, and if anyone wants to throw some good vibes and positive energy my way that Jack and I achieve our goals in this situation would be much appreciated!

I can take care of myself now, and would already be home if I were able to get Alex on and off the bus, but as I can not make it to the bus stop yet I will be here until I can get used to walking on the walking cast when they put it on.

Other than that, not much is going on. I read a lot, and I spend time with the kids, and I go home with Jack on weekends. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

Last weekend I did manage to cook for the first time since I got hurt, made some yummy potato soup from scratch, and I cleaned the kitchen and the counters, and even managed to do a load of laundry. I can do for myself now, it just takes me a lot longer to do it, and I have to sit down a lot. I have begun to try to build my endurance, last Friday I stood outside on the front deck for 15 minutes while waiting for Alex to get off the bus and I thought I was going to die. I was on my crutches and it was warm outside, and suddenly I got dizzy and nauseous and my good leg wanted to give out. A friend said it sounded like vertigo, which would make sense as I am always sitting or laying down, so being up for that long made my body freak out. The hardest part of all this now is how weak and tired I am when I get around on my crutches, so I have been trying to exercise my legs with leg lifts and modified sit ups to strengthen my back muscles, which have weakened as well and cause me some discomfort. All of this is better than the agony I was in the first two weeks, so I am not really complaining lol.

So now it is just a waiting game. It is amazing how well the body adapts to injury, the cast is somewhat "normal" now and unless I am hurting I hardly think about it. I was talking with a friend last night and he said that soon I will be back to normal, and I had to disagree with him,.as with the hurt leg and all the changes that have or are about to take place, what was "normal" before I got hurt will never be the same again. Granted, in another month all the casts will come off ( hopefully ) and I should be ambulatory, but I will have pain and swelling for a year or more, and my gait will take that long to be somewhat close to normal again, if ever. I may walk with a cane for the rest of my life, I just do not know, and none of us will until time passes. I found out that the people I thought were my friends were not, and that one of those friends is actually a relative of Jack's, which somehow made it worse. So that part of my "normal" life is done and over with. The other two things which I can not name yet will also make sure that what was normal before I got hurt will not be normal after. Not in a bad way or anything, but I AM a Taurus and you know how we feel about change.

One thing I am glad of is that the soul crushing depression is over. I expected the physical pain, but the mental and emotional pain just about did me in. No one tells you that part. They tell you that your injury will hurt, and here is some meds to help, but no one tells you about the depression, and loneliness and sadness and guilt and frustration. No one helps with that, they usually make it worse. people think that " Oh it is not that bad, she is not curling up in a ball crying, she can deal with it herself." Well at first, you CAN'T deal with ANYTHING yourself, and even later, when you can, you still need help, and when you are the type who does everything for everyone else, it is HARD to ask someone else for help, and even worse when and if you get an attitude for asking. So if you know someone who does not have use of a limb, show some kindness, because their life has an added level of difficulty that you simply can't fathom unless you have gone through it yourself. This has certainly made me gain respect for those who have lost limbs totally. I will heal and this nightmare will be over, but for these people, it is now a way of life, and they deserve some kindness and help.

That sums it up for now. I hope everyone is doing well!

WTFE Wednesday: The Return

The return to what you ask?


The return to my "normal" self!


After a long month of feeling empty for no good reason, a couple of nights ago everything finally turned back around thank the gods and goddesses!


It was pretty surreal. I was sitting here talking to Perth late in the night and all of the sudden this feeling washed over me. I felt high and happy, and if I closed my eyes the world spun. Now before you ask me wtf I was smoking, it was nothing, I swear lol. I sat here trying to talk to Perth and enjoy the feeling but it got even more intense and I felt like I needed to lay down. 


Now some folks believe in Astral Travel and some do not, but those that do and know the feeling might understand what I am about to describe. I felt detached and floaty...like I was here but somewhere else at the same time. Everything felt more pronounced, but hazy at the same time. I shut everything down and made my way to my bed and laid down, falling asleep in seconds, which is impossible for me, it takes me at least an hour to go to sleep even if I am dead tired. I had some of the most vivid dreams I have ever had, and while I can only remember bits and pieces of them, suffice to say they were not any thing like my usual dreams. I have not felt like that in almost a decade, which is the last time I am aware that I traveled.


I woke up the next day feeling rested and happy and whole again, and the last two days I have felt great. Happy, almost bubbly, laughing, talkative, excited and filled with ideas and creativity. That horrible void I have had for the past month was filled and I was myself again. I felt "connected" again.


Feeling as sad and lost as I did, and not knowing what was triggering it, was really eating away at me. I still have no idea was caused me to "fall" but I am sure glad it is over. I like to think that some part of my mind finally said "ENOUGH of this shit!" and went to go find the parts of me that had run off into the night. All I know is that I am glad they are back.


Enough of the doom and gloom for a while, please and thank you.


Things have steadily improved both inside and out, and I hope it continues to climb and climb.


SO now maybe we can get some happy posts going up in here instead of that depressed shit that spewed from my mind. It sucks when you are tired of yourself!


So, onward and upward. 


Let's fly baby!

Life goes on...

I have so much to write about I do not even know where to start. 


I have never been so glad to see a month come to an end as I was when February came to a close. It was the month from hell. I almost lost two of the most important people in my life, my Mom and my husband. Both are fine now, and doing well, so thank goodness for that.


Chaos came so fast and so hard last month, never giving me the chance to process one thing before something else hit. January was not much better since my Dad almost bled to death after having some stints put in. Just when I thought I could sit back and deal with the pent up emotions the ordeal with my Mom caused, Jack was in the hospital, facing his own fight with death. I was on auto pilot for the whole month, and even after everyone came home and no one was going to kill over, I was so numb that I just could not handle anything else. Combine that with hormonal issues, a massive bi-polar down swing, and minor depression, and it was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings.


The house was a wreck, ( and everyone knows how anal I am about the house being messy ) laundry was piled up, I did not want to cook, or blog, or be online, or be offline, or be in my own skin most of the time. Nothing I did helped. Grounding, meditating, sleeping, talking to friends, nothing. Music therapy did not even help, which was a shock. In fact the thought of music made me feel worse. Music is my life, and every time Jack would turn on one of the music channels on TV or turn music on the stereo or computer, I would have to leave the room.


Alex is still not back to her normal self either. Her routine and comfort zone was smashed to pieces by me not being here when Mom was in the hospital, and then not having her Da here when Jack was in the hospital was more than she could take, and she had a lot of meltdowns and crying jags. 


I envied her.


She could release those pent up emotions through crying or getting angry, when I was to numb to do either of those things. I should have been relieved that everyone was fine after it was over, but even then, it was a constant feeling of "Whats next?" I was afraid to let myself deal with it, for fear that as soon as I let my guard down something else would come out of left field and knock me down.


So I did what I do best. 


I went into hermit mode.


I withdrew from everyone, even my mom ( which I felt guilty about until I finally told her what was up and she totally understood and said something to make me feel better..) I stopped playing around on Facebook, I stopped blogging or writing in my journal, I stopped everything except playing sporadically on the PS3 from time to time. I withdrew from friends on the computer, since I could not stand to sit here long enough to carry on decent conversations. I did not hang out with Vicky very much, but she understood. I just went into my cave and waited to heal.


It is slow going, but it is happening.


My hormones are balancing out, I have slowly started talking to friends again when they are available and I can sit here for any length of time. Everyone understood, no one faulted me for it, and for that I am eternally grateful. I have hung with Vix and Steph for the last couple of days, and Vix alone today, as Steph had to go back to work. I cleaned my house, got all the laundry done, and tried to cook something that required more effort that Ramen Noodles. We are going to see my folks tomorrow. I put on some make up, did my hair, and started to feel more like someone alive than dead inside.


I am not whole, but I am working on it.


I have had a life change though, as in the things I do and feel about in my life, but that is a post for another time...


Baby steps....