Friday, March 04, 2011

Life goes on...

I have so much to write about I do not even know where to start. 

I have never been so glad to see a month come to an end as I was when February came to a close. It was the month from hell. I almost lost two of the most important people in my life, my Mom and my husband. Both are fine now, and doing well, so thank goodness for that.

Chaos came so fast and so hard last month, never giving me the chance to process one thing before something else hit. January was not much better since my Dad almost bled to death after having some stints put in. Just when I thought I could sit back and deal with the pent up emotions the ordeal with my Mom caused, Jack was in the hospital, facing his own fight with death. I was on auto pilot for the whole month, and even after everyone came home and no one was going to kill over, I was so numb that I just could not handle anything else. Combine that with hormonal issues, a massive bi-polar down swing, and minor depression, and it was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings.

The house was a wreck, ( and everyone knows how anal I am about the house being messy ) laundry was piled up, I did not want to cook, or blog, or be online, or be offline, or be in my own skin most of the time. Nothing I did helped. Grounding, meditating, sleeping, talking to friends, nothing. Music therapy did not even help, which was a shock. In fact the thought of music made me feel worse. Music is my life, and every time Jack would turn on one of the music channels on TV or turn music on the stereo or computer, I would have to leave the room.

Alex is still not back to her normal self either. Her routine and comfort zone was smashed to pieces by me not being here when Mom was in the hospital, and then not having her Da here when Jack was in the hospital was more than she could take, and she had a lot of meltdowns and crying jags. 

I envied her.

She could release those pent up emotions through crying or getting angry, when I was to numb to do either of those things. I should have been relieved that everyone was fine after it was over, but even then, it was a constant feeling of "Whats next?" I was afraid to let myself deal with it, for fear that as soon as I let my guard down something else would come out of left field and knock me down.

So I did what I do best. 

I went into hermit mode.

I withdrew from everyone, even my mom ( which I felt guilty about until I finally told her what was up and she totally understood and said something to make me feel better..) I stopped playing around on Facebook, I stopped blogging or writing in my journal, I stopped everything except playing sporadically on the PS3 from time to time. I withdrew from friends on the computer, since I could not stand to sit here long enough to carry on decent conversations. I did not hang out with Vicky very much, but she understood. I just went into my cave and waited to heal.

It is slow going, but it is happening.

My hormones are balancing out, I have slowly started talking to friends again when they are available and I can sit here for any length of time. Everyone understood, no one faulted me for it, and for that I am eternally grateful. I have hung with Vix and Steph for the last couple of days, and Vix alone today, as Steph had to go back to work. I cleaned my house, got all the laundry done, and tried to cook something that required more effort that Ramen Noodles. We are going to see my folks tomorrow. I put on some make up, did my hair, and started to feel more like someone alive than dead inside.

I am not whole, but I am working on it.

I have had a life change though, as in the things I do and feel about in my life, but that is a post for another time...

Baby steps....


Anonymous said...

Glad things are evening out for you.

Lilac SilverFox said...

It is definitely a lot to handle all at once and you did what anyone would have done in your position and no one can fault you for that. I am happy things have begun to take a normal swing back for you though and hope you can find yourself again and feel whole again soon.

Chatters said...

Have not been reading blogs much recently. Just having a read of your posts and a catch up

I'm really sorry that you have been through such a crap time.

I am really glad that you begun to to get back to things. I tend to go into hermit mode when everything is crap. Its just a way to protecy yourself, it has to be done somehow, if thats how you handle things, then thats how it is. The hermit mode may just have kept you sane.

Aine O'Brien said...

I thing the numbness was a blessing - nature's built in stabilizer so that we can deal with situations like this. I remember spending an entire year numb when my late husband battled cancer. It kept me from falling to pieces and I was able to take care of him. Don't worry, it will get better - give yourself time and do what you can without feeling guilty. This is a lot to handle - for anyone!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the last couple months haven't been great for you either. Glad you are feeling better.



Anonymous said...

You got it right about the baby steps. Sounds like you just survived a tsunami. It will take awhile to get back on your feet.

Anonymous said...

Bella I have known you for three long years now and I know this year has been really rough to start out with.
I know it will get better it just has to.
I understand the hermit side of things, me on the other hand I tend to just play games rather than talk lately.
I totally get ya babe.
I hope the rest of the year gets better though this is crazy for you and you need time to find peace in it all.