Bumps in the road....

The closer we get to a huge life change, the more rocky the road we travel to get there becomes.

It is to be expected, and honestly at this point in my life, I am an old pro in rolling with the flow.

There are some things that still throw me for a loop, and anything happening to my kids or Jack affects me in a big way.

Jack was in the hospital for 6 days last week.

He had an attack of diverticulitis.  Long time readers know that he was diagnosed a few years ago, when he got an infection so bad that it almost killed him.

This time, he knew what was happening, and had me take him to the E.R. at the first sign of trouble. The down side was, I had been up for 24 hours prior, and was in town with my Mom when he called. I went to a doctor appointment with my Mom for some moral support, and had not slept yet, since I had planned to sleep when I got home. I ended up having a late lunch with Mom and we had been having some pretty deep conversations when Jack called and told me he needed help. He did not want to call an ambulance because he had Alex, and did not want to scare her, so Mom and I rushed home and she took Alex with her while I took Jack to the E.R.

We got there at 5 pm and after a couple of CT scans and blood draws they determined his white count was through the roof and wanted to keep him. He finally got a room at 3 that morning. I had been awake for 38 hours by that point. I was in no shape to drive so I got a couple of hours sleep on a pull out chair and  finally went home the next morning when I was in a better position to drive. Mom kept Alex the whole time, but I only got to go see Jack once, due to gas money issues. I was very unhappy with him being gone. Luckily things were not as bad as they were last time, because he went right in at the first sign of trouble, but it was still very painful for him. It is impossible to rest in a hospital, so he was tired and grumpy, and missing home. He had to spend Father's Day alone in there. While I did not cry or anything, I still hated being apart from him. In the almost ten years we have been together, we have only been apart at night twice, once the first time he went through this, and the next when I broke my ankle and had to stay with my Mom since he had to work and I could not be alone for a while. It was hard. Not only are we husband and wife, we are each other's best friends, and we do not handle being apart for long very well.

I spent a lot of time cleaning and doing stuff around here to keep busy, and talking to him often on the phone.  On the 6th day his white count was within normal parameters and they let him go home with prescriptions for antibiotics at home. He is still tired, but feeling much better.

I am happy he is feeling better and that I have he and Alex back home, where they belong. My family is my center, and I do not feel right when they are not with me.

We had his last appointment with his back doctor on Monday, after he was released from the hospital. His Dr. is retiring from the place he was currently at, and he is moving to Destin to open a practice there. I was sad..I have known that doctor for over 20 years. He operated on my father and several other people I know. He is almost like family at this point. He gave me a hug and shook Jack's hand, wished us luck, and asked us to keep in touch, and let him know how things turned out, and that he was handing us over to his old partner, who is staying there in the practice. His partner is a good doctor too, we actually saw him first before we requested his current doctor when we found out he was available. There is really nothing to be done medically right now...they can't fix him, and we go for our first mediation next month. So now we try to move on with our lives and adjust to the fact that Jack will never be as he was before he got hurt. Jack is still struggling with the acceptance part. I am just happy he is alive and able to continue with his life, even if it is not in the same capacity as it was prior to the injury.

As for me, I had my nerve test almost two weeks ago, and I am still waiting to get an appointment to meet with my neurologist to get the diagnosis from all of my tests. My Mom's neurologist said it sounds like I have MS to him, and he is not the first person who has said that, and I will be honest, that has crossed my mind many times too. If I have not heard back from him by Monday afternoon, then I will call Tuesday and see if I can get some information.

In other news, we dyed Alex's hair pink for the Summer. I will take some pics soon and share, I have to make some room on my memory card in the camera for them. It looks really awesome, we both love it. After we find out what happens with the mediation and I no longer have to be sure and look respectable by other people's standards, I am thinking of dying mine Lavender. I am ready for a drastic change.

That is all that is going on for now. I will be making some changes around here soon, with the blog and my home. I want to make a new layout and tweak some things on the blog, plus get back into my recipes and  book posts. Plus I have some book reviews to write. On the home front, I am about to go through the house and declutter a lot of the dust collectors we have, and donate them to my favorite thrift store, which feeds the homeless with the funds they take in. I also have a good bit of clothes to go through and donate, and some other things. When we move, I intend to only take the furniture, our clothes, the kitchen stuff, and our personal keepsakes. I am donating everything else. I have been hauling some of this crap around for 20 years and I am over it. I need room for new memories.

I want a fresh start in our Forever Home.


That sums it up for tonight.

What have you all been up to over the last couple of weeks? How is Summer treating you?

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Evil Virus of Doom...and other things.

Just a short post today.

Alex and I have been plagued with some terrible virus for the past week. Alex came home Friday with 104 temperature, and Saturday she had a terrible sore throat. I also started coming down with it on Saturday, and Sunday, Mother's Day, we were in the ER getting strep tests.

Luckily, they were negative, but that did not stop the horrible and searing throat pain. We were both unable to eat more than a few bites for three days, and Alex's fever stayed in the 103-104 range for three days. Finally on Thursday it broke to under 100 and stayed there, and I was able to start eating again. She has been fever free for 48 hours now, and can talk and eat with ease again.

All Alex could eat was Popsicles for two days.

Alex has never been so sick in her 8 years. It was very scary for me. She would not eat, could hardly drink, and did not say a word for three days. As most know, Alex is a talker. She talks NON-stop all the time. Yet nothing but head nods and shakes for three days. The few bites of food she would eat I had to feed her like a baby bird. She was so weak she could hardly sit up, much less feed herself.

Jack was very kind, he pretty much ran the house for the week. I was in bed for two days, only getting up to use the bathroom. He cooked and did dishes and got us anything we needed. It was very nice.

I did the dishes and ran the vac today, for the first time in a week, and tomorrow I am going to cook a real meal. We have been living off of broths and soups, as it was so painful to swallow anything, and we are all ready for something more substantial. So I intend to make steak tacos, and I have a giant seedless watermelon in the fridge chilling for dessert. I have been craving the melon like crazy for the last couple of months. I blame it on longing for Summer. ( Try not to gasp in shock over the fact I am longing for Summer lol ) It is the middle of May and we have had a few nights of upper 30's and low 40's. In Florida. I am still wearing jeans most of the time. My shorts sit in the drawers...waiting to see the light of day.

In other news, there are two weeks of school left, and even though we were so sick, it was nice not having to worry about living life by the clock for the past week. Sleeping when we wanted, waking when we felt like it. No rush to eat dinner and do dishes, or make sure laundry was done for the school week. I am really looking forward to a couple of months of that.

Also, we have been given a mediation date with Jack's former employers. It is set for the second week in July. Of course, I can not give any detail, but hopefully this hellish 2 year period of doom will all be over soon, in our favor. Jack had a doctor visit this week and the doc said he should have a fusion. Jack told him " No, thank you." The doc also told Jack that he was a record breaker. The Doc had never operated on one person 4 times in a row in such a short amount of time. Hell of a thing to be a record holder on, eh? There will be no more surgeries unless the alternative is to end up in a wheelchair forever. They keep hacking on him and he is still not fixed, and he is just done with it. There has been no improvements,  so now he just wants pain management and to settle, so we can move on with our lives.



So hopefully, soon we will come to the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel we have been navigating.

Source

Hmmm, what else?

Oh yeah, my birthday! I turned 34 on May 4th, and my Mom and older kids surprised me by taking us all out to dinner at Outback. It was scrumptious, and it was nice to be gathered with my family. The only down side was it was graduation weekend for FSU and FAMU, so the place was packed and very loud, which made talking almost impossible. One we got back to Mom's, I saw that she had made me one of her delicious cakes, which I adore. They also got me a humorous birthday card, with a sexy shirtless guy in it, and he sang happy birthday to me, but you had to rub his abs to get him to do it, and he was ticklish, so he giggled while he sang. It cracked me up. All in all, it was a very nice birthday, the best I have had in a very long time. I still smile when I think about it.

Mother's Day was a wash, due to us being sick, but Saturday, the day before, Jack made a great dinner and did the dishes, so it all worked out. He and Alex also got me a card each, and Alex also made me a handmade card. They both made me cry, they wrote such sweet things in them. It warmed my heart. They drive me crazy sometimes, but I know they love me, and I love them.

I think that is about it for now. My "short" post ended up being a little longer than I intended, but a lot has transpired since I last wrote lol.

So I will end  here, and I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

P.S. I am still looking for questions for my 'Ask Me Anything' segment. I only have a couple, and I am really wanting to do this. So please, send your questions in. Click the graphic in the upper corner of the left sidebar to be taken to the post with the details! Thank you! :D

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Breakdown...

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last week or so.

To start with, as most already know, I am bipolar, and I was hit with a pretty rough down swing.

I spent way to much time in my own head, which is a dangerous thing at times. I started looking at everything and everyone with bitter and jaded eyes. I felt very alone, and unloved. I started comparing what I did as a friend and what other people did as a friend, and felt that most of my "friendships" were very one-sided. I felt that I was the one doing all the work, and when I needed people, no one was there. Not that I ASKED them to be there, mind you. I just thought everyone should telepathically know that I was losing my shit and needed someone to fix me, help me, save me, take care of me for a change. So I went on a 4 day social networking silence...waiting to see when someone would notice.

No one did.

Or rather, no one came forward and said they did, until after the fact.

Then, I had an ugly public meltdown on one of my social networking pages. That is something I do not do very much...and I was horrified after the fact. I felt so very foolish. I tried to do some damage control, but there are still a couple of people who are making their displeasure known. I apologized, and there is not much more I can do about that.  As I said in my apology, even the strongest stone can crack under the right amount of pressure.

I cracked.

It all just got to me. I was lonely, upset, scared, and overwhelmed. We have been in one of those " Omg, what are we going to do until the next check gets here, bills are piling up, our supplies are dwindling, I have to have all of these tests and I have to wait until we have the gas money.." periods. It sucks. ( No, his check has not gotten here yet. We still have a week to go. It is not going to be pretty. It sucks when one simple thing will fix it all *money* and that is the one thing we do not have, and neither does anyone else.)

I tried to talk to Jack...but that is not any help, as he is mired in the same crap I am. Only his mental state was a little worse, since he is the one who has always provided for us, and he feels like a failure. I needed to be reassured, but so did he, and we just did not have anything left to give each other in the way of comfort.

Feeling upset about our current situation got me to thinking about all those people who said "If I can help, let me know!" Yet, when I finally stuffed my dignity in a corner and asked, of course there was no help from those people. I will not go into my feelings on that, because none of them are nice. Or particularly rational.

The next step in the downward spiral was to become angry about everything my friends did.

( I don't hate anyone, but the rest is fitting )

"Look at that bitch, always taking a nap and laying down every time he/she gets a hangnail. Oh you have a migraine? You have cramps? You have to study? You have to go grocery shopping? You sliced your hand open on something? You have the flu? You are in the hospital? Well TO BAD! I sit here no matter what I feel like, I AM HERE, why can't anyone else suck it up and be here when it is so obvious that I am losing my mind, even though I have not said a single word about it to anyone, can't they read my silence as something OMINOUS"?

Yeah. Can we say ridiculous? I was angry at other people for taking care of themselves, just because I am always here, no matter how bad I feel. Very stupid thinking.

Then came the getting  pissed off at my family. "Why do they only call when they want something from me? When they want me to fix something, or get them something, or do something? Why can't they ever contact me just to make sure I am not dead, to see if we need anything ( and actually help us with something, instead of just saying it out of social obligation. ) There is a lot of truth in that, but my Mom will call if she has not heard from me in a while and check on us.

So I started looking for the negative in everything, and we all know where that gets us.

No where.

Once I made my problems known in my meltdown, I actually got a lot of support. As one friend said, "if you need to talk, then LET ME KNOW." Well there is a novel idea. Instead of stewing in silence, I could say "Hey, I need some love here."

The next day, I was embarrassed at my outburst, and I read everything over again, and saw the love that is there, if I only reach out and tap into it.

It was a hard and embarrassing lesson to learn.

I then made the comment that I wished therapy were free...and a friend asked me if I had medicaid, and if so, then therapy was available. I had never thought of that. So yesterday, after talking with that friend, and another new friend ( whom I find myself liking more and more every time I talk to her)  who is also in the process of seeking help, I made a couple of phone calls after looking in my provider handbook and seeing they do indeed offer mental health help. I called two of the four therapists in my network. One I did not like the vibe from, and the other, after first asking  me if I were suicidal ( I'm not ) told me half her staff was out sick, she was swamped, and could she call me back today. I said yes, because even in the short amount of time we spoke, I liked her, so I am waiting to hear back from her.

I need outside help, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I need someone else to examine my brain instead of just me. I know what is wrong, but I can't fix it alone, and neither can well meaning friends, as willing as they are to let me bounce things off of them. I need to learn how to handle all of this mentally, and I probably need my meds looked at and possibly changed. It has been a long time since they have been adjusted.

I just can't do this alone anymore. My mind is twisting bad things into monumentally horrible things. I have enough going on in my life, the last thing I need is to sabotage myself on top of it. I have to learn how to not shut down, and how to not look at innocent things as the enemy. Yes, I am lonely, but if I keep this up, I will be truly alone, and I do not think I could handle that.

So that is what has been going on in the last week. SO much CRAP stuffed into a few days. It was not a good time to be in my own mind. It is like a bad acid trip...normal and innocent things look like big scary monsters and bad things that want to hurt me. I hope that this therapist wants to work with me. I am looking forward to it...to letting someone outside of all the crap I am going through ( who has no emotional ties to me ) help me look at things more objectively. I feel it can really be a lot of help.

That is what I am hoping anyways. That is my plan.

Well, there it is. That is what I have been dealing with, and I hope it is all over soon.

Have any of you ever had episodes like this? What did you to do deal with it? Did you seek outside help, or struggle through it alone? If you have any tips, please let me know in the comments!

Until next time....

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Dear Universe:

Dear Universe, (Or God, Goddess, whatever term you prefer to use.)

I know I spend a lot of time complaining, crying, shaking my fist at the sky, begging and pleading for good things to happen to my family. Times are hard, and sometimes it all gets to be a little too much to deal with.

I just want to take a moment and say "Thank You." Things are far from perfect, or fixed, but even though we still struggle, I see the good things that are happening too.

*Click image for source*

Thank you for the roof over my head, heat to keep us warm, lights and entertainment to keep us occupied and not sitting in the dark. Thank you for the food that we have. Thank you for the vehicle we have, even if it is running a little rough.

Thank you for my Jack. Even though we butt heads from time to time, especially when things seem impossible, he goes out of his way most days to show that he cares and loves me. He never gives me a reason to doubt him, and he is an excellent husband and a wonderful father. Alex is lucky to have a father who loves her more than anything, and shows it.

Thank you for my children. They struggle at times, and make bad choices, but it is all part of the learning process. Thank you for giving me smart and beautiful babies. No matter what happens, or where they are, they will always be my "babies" and I am so lucky to have them in my life.

Thank you for my parents. I made bad choices early in life, and they have had their moments as well, but good and bad, they helped shape me into the person I am today. Thank you for my Mother, who does her  best with what life has thrown her and defies the odds, and thank you for my Daddy, whom I miss so much. I wish I had more time with him, but I am so grateful for the time I did have, especially the last ten years or so.

Thank you for my friends, who have become family. I have never had a good relationship with my blood  siblings, but I was fortunate enough to choose those people whom I call sisters and brothers. Thank you for their kind and giving  hearts, their strong shoulders to cry on, their strong arms to lift others up when those people can't get off the ground by themselves. Thank you for their ears that never get tired of listening, and their minds that come up with everything they can think of to enrich the lives of others if they can, or direct them to those who can. I hope they consider me to be as good of a friend as they are to me.

Thank you for giving me each day to be here with these people who are so special to me. Thank you for giving us the means to survive one more day, even when it seems next to impossible.

Things may not always happen like we want, or expect them to, but I am still here, still chugging along, and will as long as I am fortunate enough to do so.

Thank you for giving me a life to live.

*Click image for source*

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So it has been an interesting few days. My eldest daughter turned 16, but due to Alex being sick, we were unable to celebrate with her, as we can not be around my Mom if we are sick. It feels like yesterday that she was a tiny squalling thing, and now she is almost grown.

We got a free kitchen table and four chairs from our neighbor. They were kind of beat up, but it is a ceramic tile topped table, and I can see how pretty it will be after I finish getting it sanded and painted. I will take before and after pics to show you my progress. We have not had a kitchen table since we moved here almost 8 years ago, ( we eat on the couch ) so it will be nice to have dinner there and have the work space when needed. I am really excited about the project! It felt so good to be out there in the sun and fresh air working with the power sander. It was the first time I felt accomplished about something in a very long time.

Jack is scheduled to have two back to back MRIs soon, one with contrast dye and one without. He popped something in his back Friday before last, and has been  in a lot of pain ever since. They had to put him back on his heavy duty pain killers, which he had been off of for months. It seems like all he can do is sleep ( due to pain and heavy duty pain killers making him sleepy ) or stand in the back propped on the dryer so he can smoke at the back door as it hurts him to move up and down the steps at times. He is depressed still...and just bleh. I miss his spark.

I am trying very hard to not be bummed out right now. Our landlord raised our rent due to higher property taxes, in a time when we have to go to extreme measure just to pay the old rent amount. My phone will probably be cut off in the next few days, after the 16th of next month my net will go, and the $200 I get in food stamps used to last us a month now hardly lasts two weeks due to the increase in food prices. ( That is with me shopping VERY frugally ) We have ran out of gas in the truck twice, one a couple of weeks ago, forcing Jack to walk two miles to a gas station to get enough gas to get home, afterwards he could not move for two days due to agonizing pain from the walk, and then yesterday after we had to go pick up Alex from school because she was sick, and we had to walk about a half a mile to the gas station. We are constantly running low or short on things like toilet paper and body soap, laundry soap and dish soap, because my food stamps do not cover those things. I got a few donations from people right after I posted about our need, which helped us for that one month, and I am grateful, but that is long gone and the bills do not go away unfortunately.

One of the reasons I do not write much anymore is because I have nothing good to say most days, and I know people are tired of hearing me complain and be needy. I am tired of hearing me complain and be needy too, so I just shut up. I have great people in my life who are very emotionally giving and light candles and pray for us, which is great..but our needs are purely physical. Food, shelter, ways of communication,  reliable transportation. None of those things are a given any more and it is one of the worst things in the world, to never, ever feel secure and know that things are going to be okay. I can't remember the last time I felt safe and secure.

Alex is unhappy, she cries at the drop of a hat, she is moody and argumentative...and I know it is because of our situation. She is a very sensitive little girl and even though we do our best to shelter her and hide how dire things are from her, she still feels it rolling off of us. It hurts to see my sweet little girl turn into this sad shadow of herself, just like it hurts to see what was once a strong and fiery man turn into a ghost of what he once was. I know I have changed in so many ways as well. None of us are whole anymore. I do not know what else I can do. Once I lose the phone, Jack will be unable to be in the required communication with his doctors, workers comp agency, and lawyers, and I will be unable to talk back and forth with the MJF Foundation who is trying to set me up with a doctor here in town, or any other doctor I might need, not to mention the school will have no way to contact me if Alex needs to be picked up. Once I lose the net, all contact with the world at large will cease. I do not know what to do, and we are all hurting and in despair.

One step forward and two steps back is how it always seems to feel. One good or great thing will happen, I get happy for a minute and WHAM! Two bad or terrible things hit us.

I am letting people down, and I feel like a big jerk about it. Things that were supposed to be great failed horribly, I can't seem to mentally or emotionally commit to anything right now, due to just being sick with worry ( which triggers flare ups in my body ) and unable to focus on anything very long.

I am out of options and out of hope. Every time we get back on our feet, something snatches the rug out from under us. I  was reading about another blogger who raised over ten grand for a family of total and complete strangers..that he expect a few hundred bucks, but got thousands, and while I cried because I was so happy that people pulled together to give to people they did not even know, and give those people a better life, at the same time I admit I was bitter and I was crying because I wished something similar could happen to us. I cry at night because it is not fair. Jack worked so hard, every single day. He was not lazy, or looking for a handout, he busted his ass 6 days a week to give us what little we had, and I worked my ass of when I was employed, and I work my ass off here trying to give my family a home. We are good people, we do not use drugs, we do not drink, we do not lie, cheat, and steal. Yet we are the ones having to suffer, while people keep punching out kids to get welfare, buying drugs with their cash assistance, or get a free ride while not contributing anything to the universe...those people drive brand new cars, have nice houses, and all the food they can eat. We work our ass off and do not have shit.  If not for my mother and a few beautiful souls that shared their children's clothes with her at Christmas, Alex would not have clothes. Not being able to give her what she needs and wants makes me want to curl in a ball and die. I love my family more than anything, and I cannot assure them that we will be okay, and I know Jack feels even worse than I do about it. It kills him to have to rely on anyone but ourselves, and the last 4 months have ripped him apart inside. He thinks I do not hear, but I hear him in the shower, or at night when he thinks I am asleep, crying.

Jack.does.not.cry.

But I have heard him trying to sob quietly so as not to alarm us. It kills me.

So that is where we are, what we are doing, and why we are doing it.

Depressing read, I know. Sorry. But that is my life right now.

If anyone still wants to help, the pay pal buttons are still up in the corner.

Post Holiday Recap...

Hello everyone!

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! Ours turned out to be very nice. Thanks to a few special people, we were able to give gifts to the kids and my Mom, and we got some great stuff in return as well. The most important thing was that we had a great time with the family. My Mom cooked an amazing Christmas dinner, and it was scrumptious! So in the end, it ended up being very nice.

My Yule plans did not go as well. Alex was not feeling well, and instead of the baking and crafting I had planned, we just made a few chocolate covered pretzels and that was it. Maybe it was just the timing, and the fact she was not feeling great, but I was a little disappointed. We will just have to try again next year, right?

I have to admit, I am glad it is over. It all ended up being very nice, but the stress leading up to it all was killer. I am hoping this year we can plan ahead and not be in such a panic when it comes to buying gifts. I know that is not the important part, but I love to give, I love to make my family happy with a well thought out gift.

I am grateful for the people who helped us this season, we really appreciate it, and I am so grateful that we were able to spend the holiday with my Mom and the kids, as well as two of my cousins. I missed my Dad very much, but I could feel him there with us. I did not even cry, as I expected to.

So all in all, it was a very nice holiday, and now I am ready to bring this year to a close and strive to make next year a much better one!

Until  next time...

One of the hardest posts I will ever write...

This is not an easy post for me. I have a very hard time admitting defeat, showing weakness, and asking for help.

The hard truth is, we are drowning. There is not enough money to survive anymore. Our truck insurance has lapsed. The light bill is due, and we can not pay it. Our internet and phone are about to be shut off, which seems trivial, but it is actually a big deal. The phone is needed due to Jack needing to be in constant contact with his doctors and the insurance companies, as well as the lawyers and physical therapist people. The internet is needed for me, due to my increasing ability to not be able to talk out loud very often. I have not shared this with many people, because I do not want people to pity me...but my doctors think I have early onset of Parkinson's Disease. My muscle tremors are increasingly worse....my grip is all but gone....and even in just the last few weeks, trying to talk out loud is mortifying and embarrassing and makes me sound like I have a severe stutter. When I do talk, I talk very slowly and sound like I have mental difficulties, which I do not, yet. I do have moments where my brain kind of pauses...kind of like walking into a room and forgetting why you went in there? I have moments like that, sometimes in the middle of what I am doing. Like cooking for instance. I can be making dinner and will just stand in front my stove, staring at it, wondering what I was about to do. It sucks. I can not afford the two thousand dollar neurological tests they want to do on me, nor can I afford the medicine they want me to take to try to help. So I just have to deal with it. It also means that I can not work outside the home. I cannot stand up for long periods of time, and with the loss of my fine motor skills, I can not do things like grab change from a cash register to hand to people, or make food in a hurry as in fast food places, or do hard labor as I have no muscle strength anymore. You should see me try to put ice in a glass from the ice bin. More of it ends up in the floor than the glass. I have to have my 8 year old open things for me, because my hands do not work. The only thing I can do with no problem it seems is type. Although on "bad hand days" as I call them ( when my hands are weak and tired and shake a lot ) my spelling is atrocious. I feel trapped in my body most days. My mind is still 98% sharp ( aside from those duh moments of forgetfulness ) and my body is failing me. I am only 33 and I have already been through cervical cancer, POEMS syndrome and now this.

Jack is not getting better. I have been silent about him due to legal reasons, but the truth is, he is getting worse. The second surgery did no good. It takes him 2 to 3 hours in the morning just to stand up 80% straight. He walks around bent almost double most of the time. His right leg goes out often, causing him to fall or stumble. He is in pain all the time. No meds help him. PT is not helping him. He is depressed and feeling worthless because we do not have enough money for our bills. He told me today that since the phone and net were going to be shut off, that he would just lie to his doctor and say he was fine so he could go back to work and get a little more money. I freaked out and told him he better not, because if he could not even walk across the house upright, how in the hell is he going to work on engines. He said " We do not have enough for bills. We do not have enough for the food we need. We can not even buy the kids any Christmas/Yule presents. Do you know how worthless that makes me feel, that I can not even buy my kid a gift? Or keep my wife in communication with the world the only way she CAN be in communication with the world these days? Or even talk to my own doctors because I can't pay the effin phone bill?"

I cried.

The internet is also needed for the kids homework. There are times even I have to look up an answer to their problems and figure how to explain it to them. They are doing things in elementary school that I did not do until well into high school. Not to mention the countless forms I have to download and print, or scan and email, to send to doctors and lawyers. One of my friends thankfully bought me ink for my printer a month or so ago, as I had run out and that is over 30 bucks right by itself.

I get assistance for food each month, but it is a paltry amount and does not last us two weeks much less a full month. I am a very frugal shopper, I buy in bulk and I buy generic. We do not eat fancy at all, but the cost of everything rises while the money stays the same.

The light bill came today. $323.67 I cried. It always goes up in the winter, but this year we have not raised it above 65, because the heat costs so much, and we have been wearing layers of clothes in the house to keep warm. Alex is tiny, she is always cold. Jack and I are not tiny, but we are chilly too. Our rent is due Monday, and we only have a little over half of it. We have no  money to buy gifts for the holidays.I know that is not super important...but to an 8 year old...it is crushing.

I am at my wits end, and so is Jack. Everything is so hopeless, bad things keep happening. There just is not enough to give us what we need, and we just can't do it alone anymore. I have never been the type to ask for help, because in my opinion, there are so many people more deserving, and we have always scraped by. We did not have a lot, but we had enough. Now, there is not enough. I have little contact with my family, and the ones that I do talk to, plus my friends, are in just as bad of a situation as we are, and are unable to help. So i am doing something I never thought I would ever have to do. I am turning to outsiders, to see if there is any help to be had. I have tried all the programs there are available to us, and the ironic part is, Jack makes too much money to be considered...yet that does not change the fact there is not enough. We do not have cable, or fancy cars, or a huge house, or a bunch of debt and frivolous things...that is not who we are. But this is the first time we have not been able to have basic needs met, like enough food, shelter, and ways to communicate with the outside world. We are the types that when the food gets low, Jack and I stop eating until we have to eat, to make sure Alex has enough. we have to make meticulous plans about where go, due to not being able to afford gas. We only leave the house when we absolutely have to go somewhere, but now that there is no insurance on  the truck, we go nowhere...which sucks because jack has to go to physical therapy twice a week. If he does NOT go to the PT appointments, then they will stop paying him.

Everything seems to always be going wrong. We can not keep our heads above water anymore.

So I am trying to stop thinking everyone else needs more help than I do, and I am asking for help from my readers, if there is any to be had. I know that times are tough for everyone, and the holidays are upon us...but maybe someone has something to spare to help keep us afloat for a little while. It takes everything I have to ask this, as it goes against my entire way of thinking....but I do not know what else to do. I have exhausted every other available option. So I put pay pal donation buttons up there in the right hand corner of my blog. One button for US Dollars, one for Canadian Dollars, and my paypal email for those outside of the US and Canada. If there is anything you can spare, even if it is a dollar or two, will you please consider donating it to me and my family? There is no end to the amount of thankfulness and appreciation you would have from Jack, myself, and my babygirl.

I hope you all will not think less of me for this...but I just do not know what else to do....

Thank you  for taking the time to read this, and if you would share my story with others, maybe someone, somewhere, can help us.

Much love to you all.

P.S. I have created a Give Forward fundraiser for us....so if you do not have a pay pal or have some other issue, you can go HERE and donate that way. However, I prefer PayPal as I can get the funds much sooner. Please share this post and that link if you would...maybe we can get the help we desperately need.

(  Pic is from October 2011, back when all I had to worry about was a broken ankle)

Sick, but thankful.

I think I have the plague y'all.

Alex had been sick for most of the last two weeks, and I have been sick for a little over a week. It will just not go away. We have all these meds and I have cleaned and sprayed disinfectant on everything. It sucks.

We had to miss Thanksgiving with my Mother because of it. As long time readers know, she only has the bottom half of her lungs. She had to have the top removed due to advanced COPD 7 or 8 years ago now. So we could not be around her, as if she gets a chest cold it can kill her. She was so nice though, when I called her Wednesday to cancel, she said that she would bring us plates on Thanksgiving so we would not miss out on all the yummy food. She called me and told me she was going to leave it on my steps, so I would not infect her lol. I stood in the doorway and waved and talked to her across the yard for few, and brought the food in. It was so good! I am still bummed I did not get to go over there though. This illness picked a bad time to present itself!

However, we will still get to celebrate. We got the stuff to make our own Thanksgiving dinner with a friend whom we do not get to see very much anymore, and Jack and I are going to cook a big dinner on Sunday. Jack is going to smoke a turkey, and I have a huge spread planned. I am excited, it should be great. I am just hoping I feel good enough to cook. This cold is kicking my ass. I am taking one more day of rest today, as tomorrow we will be power cleaning to get ready for Sunday, we we can cook and not worry about having to clean too.

I wish I had a nice huge house, so I could invite my Mom and a few other people...I would love to take over Thanksgiving every year, and let Mom not have to worry about it anymore, but I live in a postage stamp...we do not even have a kitchen table, so I can never invite more people than can fit on my furniture in my living room lol. Maybe one day :)

So that is where I have been. I have not been around to much, other than playing games on FB...that is all I have had the mental and physical energy for. I miss all of you guys and gals so much though, and I was bummed that I did not post here on Thanksgiving, so I had to come in today and suck it up long enough to let you all know that I am alive, and I am so very thankful for all of you. I have met some of the most amazing people because of my blog, and I am happy to call so many of you friends. I hope that those who celebrated had a wonderful day, and everyone else too.

I have so many things planned for the blog, so many ideas...I just need to get rid of this crud and get back on my feet.  I do not get sick often, but when I do, it more than makes up for time missed lol.

I love you folks, and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I will be back soon!

Semi-Silent Sunday NaBloWriMo Day 28

Sorry for no real post today. Jack, Alex and I spent all day around a mini bonfire on this chilly and overcast day. Listening to music and enjoying family time. A much needed day.

Hope your week kicks off to a good start!

Sleepy Sunday NaBloWriMo Day 21

Good afternoon folks. It is a sleepy kind of day here in the House of Wolf.

We went to my Mother's house for her little celebration for Alex's birthday. She made Alex's favorite meal of potato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, and made her a pumpkin cake. Shaped, not flavored. We stayed  for a couple of hours, bur Mom ( who works at home 4 days a week ) had to work and Jack and I were ready to come home. We both really want to take a nap, but it is too late in the day. For me it is, maybe not for him.

Last week my 14 year old son told me he was interested in Paganism; Wicca to be specific, and has been asking me a lot of questions about it. I am pleased. I do not influence any of my kids intentionally, I feel kids should be old enough to study different religions on their own, and make their own educated choice, and that means I have never volunteered any info to any of my kids unless they have directly asked me.

I told him I would let him borrow some of my books, and I had some things I could give him to help him get started on his exploration. I explained that I was not Wiccan, but I had some Wiccan books that could help him.

I never really knew how much he and I are alike about certain things. Music, and animals, we like a lot of the same types of things,  but as he has always been a quiet child, we never really talked about anything until recently. It is nice to know that we share similar interests.

My eldest daughter dabbled in it for a while, but it was not really her thing, which is fine. It will be interesting to see if this is the path that calls to my son, I am excited to see him start his journey.


Nothing else is really going on today. Jack is resting, playing a PS3 game in bed, Alex is playing with her friend down the road, and I am here, about to lose myself in some Facebook games for a while. I am taking this last day to rest before everything starts back up tomorrow.

So that is it for me today, see you tomorrow!

Dear Daddy: NaBloWriMo Day 13

Dear Daddy,

Well, we carried out your final wishes today, as you requested. We drove forever and a day to Hickory Mounds, and after typical family drama, we scattered your ashes at dead low tide, because no one seemed to have checked the tides before scheduling the time to do this. So we dumped you on the grass. Jack assured me that when the tide came in, the water would cover where you laid and take you out to sea. You should be floating in the ocean now...or being eaten by your favorite fish, the mullet, which would please you.

I am sorry that your send off was not better, as you deserved, but you know how the family is. They can't do anything smoothly and respectfully. Your send off should not have been awkward and uncomfortable, but it was. No one but Mom even said anything, or got emotional, as you know. You were there. The lack of emotions did not bother you though, I know that you were never comfortable with tears and things like that.

It did show me a few things today though. One, I have already said goodbye, and came to terms with all of this. That is not to say I do not miss you, because I do, so very much, so much more than I ever could have anticipated...but I have accepted that you are no longer here physically, and the scattering of the ashes was for other people...

Two, I know that most of the people there today I will probably never see again. You were the fragile thread that held our dysfunctional family together, while at the same time you were the reason everything was so strained. You always were multi-talented lol.

Mom has managed to cut most of them out of her life, and I feel that after today most of them will not be contacted or heard from again. That is nothing against her or anything, we all know how she feels about your side of the family.

The world is a very different place now that you are gone, and I am not fond of it. So many times I wish I could ask you something, or tell you something. It has been 4 months and I find myself concentrating daily to remember exactly what your voice sounded like. It fades.

 I wore that shirt you always complimented me on today. It was the shirt I wore the last time I saw you, when you were still yourself, in the physical rehabilitation center. I wore it the night I spent with you at the hospital, after you were pretty much gone from here mentally...and I wore it today, to say goodbye.

I feel really guilty that you died when none of us were there. We spent day and night with you, every day...and the first night you were alone, you slipped away. You probably planned it that way. You would not want us to go through that...but I was there, all night, just the night before, when we all expected you to go...but you held on...until we all left. That eats at me, and no matter how much people tell me it was not my fault, and no matter how much I know you probably planned it that way, it will ALWAYS eat at me, at least a little bit.

I am jealous of you, by the way. Part of me wishes I could have taken this journey with you. You finally know the truth of what happens after we shed our mortal coils. I did not want you to have to go alone Daddy. You always felt like an outsider, you told me, and I understand that perfectly, as that is how I usually feel too. You were the only one who ever understood me, even if you did not agree with me. We were so much alike, and that is one of the reasons we had so many problems when I was younger. It was like two bulls butting heads. The older I get, the more like you I become. It is funny really. When I was young I wanted to be the complete opposite of what you were, and as I got older, I never wanted to be anything but just like you. Jack has told me for years that I am the female version of you...and I do not think he meant it as a compliment, but I always took it as one.

We miss you so much Daddy. Everything is so different. You were such a presence in our lives, both good and bad. You filled up our lives, and now there is a huge hole in our Universe. I am glad you are no longer struggling, or in pain, or unhappy. I am glad you are with your two sons who died so long ago. I am glad that you are back with Uncle Ernie and Uncle Billy. Aunt JoAnn and Aunt Gayle too. I am glad you are back with your friends who have gone before you. I really am glad of those things. But I would be lying if I said I were not dying inside some days because I miss you so much.

I am glad I kept some of your ashes. Today, when they were all scattered, I felt a moment of panic, watching them all float down into the damp sea oats and off into the wind. I felt like I had nothing tangible left of you. Then I remembered that a part of your physical body will always be with me, as I kept that portion of bone dust.

I am so glad that the last almost 8 years were so good between us Daddy. I wish there were more years left, but I am thankful of the ones we had.

This is the first year that Alex will have a birthday without you. That tears me up. You loved her so much, and she loves you. When her school pictures came in last week, the first thought in my head was that you would be so glad to get one, as you were every year. It took a couple of minutes for me to remember that you would not get one this year. Be with her Monday, on her 8th birthday. I know she will feel the loss.

*Sighs*

Well Daddy. I do not know what else there is to say about it all that I have not already told you in my head a thousand times. I love you, I miss you, and you are always on my mind. The last thing I do every single night is tell you Goodnight, and that I love and miss you, and I probably will do that every night for the rest of my life.

Watch over us Daddy. Please. Things have been so hard, and so bad. I have forgotten how to smile and laugh. We could use someone looking out for us on the other side.

Goodbye Daddy.

I love you.

Ten Things Thursday: Ten Things That Make Me Happy

It has been a very, very stressful week, and I was originally going to do another ten things I am grateful for post, but I did that recently so I will change it a bit and make it things that make me happy. It will hopefully achieve the same results, as I need a reminder every now and then of such things.

1. Family and Friends who understand:

I am so happy that the people who mean the most to me are understanding of the fact that times are tough right now, and I am not always available, and when I am, my brain is so shot out and tired I just want to veg, I do not want to talk about anything deep, and that I need to withdraw from the outside world for a while and focus on me and whatever I am going through at that time. I know it may sound selfish to some, but the ones who matter know that I have a lot on my plate and that I am not myself right now. Thank you, to those people.

2. Cooler Weather:

Fall is officially here on the calender, and thankfully the temperature got the memo. It is already much cooler at night, I have slept with my window open a few nights, and the days are not so humid and hot either. Winter is much harder on me now that I have lost some weight, and have a lot of metal in my bones thanks to breaking my ankle, so super cold temps are not much fun, but Fall weather is great. Nice days and chilly nights, where I can open my window and snuggle under my warm blankets are so awesome.

3. Closure:

My Mom called me the other day, and informed me that the road leading back to where my Dad wanted his ashes scattered is finally repaired and open again, since being destroyed by Tropical Storm Debbie a couple of months ago. That means in a couple of weeks we are finally going to make that trip and scatter Dad to the wind and the ocean, as he wanted. I have come to terms with his passing, although I still miss him terribly, and I know he is "gone" and his ashes were just what is left of his physical body, but it makes me happy to know that soon we will be able to fulfill his last wish and set him free. A final send off, making it official, gives me a sense of comfort for some reason. Right now it still feels so unfinished.

4. Books:

Reading is one of the things that has helped me keep my sanity the last week, but also for most of my life. I have been able to lose myself in a few books this week, and I have welcomed the distraction they have provided. I even had a good friend gift an ebook to me that I have been wanting, which was awesome. If not for the books and being able to forget about what is happening here during the day, I think I might have lost my mind. They provide me with an escape from the crushing amount of stress, now and other times in my life. Books have saved my life more than once, and as dramatic as that sounds...it is true.

5. Music:

I almost made this into a top ten songs of all time post, but I want to include videos and stuff for that, and I have to do that early in the morning or after 2 AM on a weekend, so it does not go against my daily bandwidth allotment. Anyway, I spend a lot of evenings with my headphones on, once Jack is settled and Alex is home and settled, and can alert me if Jack needs me since I would not be able to hear him. I can sit here, and try to decompress, and block out the outside world, the annoying everyday sounds that just seem to grate on my nerves these days. It puts me in a bubble all on my own, which is very much needed. I can listen to sad songs and release my emotional pain, I can play upbeat songs to raise my mood, I can play edgy songs to let me get rid of my anger. It ranks right up there books, keeping me sane and offering me escape.

6. Sleep:

I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. On one hand, I adore to sleep, and hate to wake up. I love being snuggled in my super comfy bed, under my soft and warm blankets, in the dark, with the whirring of the 3 fans I have in my room to help me to sleep. On the other hand, I hate the fact that I HAVE to sleep. I have a schedule to keep, during the school week, which sucks. Even when I am exhausted, I hate the fact that I have to totally shut down my life (so to speak ) to recharge. I am fine when I WANT to go to bed and rest, I dislike it when I HAVE to go to bed, because of other things I NEED to do, while sleeping sometimes prevents me from things I WANT to do. Then there is the whole " TO tired to actually sleep" which is a special form of torture. I will not go into that now though, as this is a "happy things" post lol.

7. Mornings:

This one is probably shocking to anyone who knows me or reads here often, as I am a self-proclaimed night owl. However, in the morning, after Alex is on the bus, the mornings are starting to get cool, and I like being outside in it, and when I come home, Jack is usually still in bed, so I have a few moments of silence and the bliss of being alone, no one but the dog and I. Silence and being alone are two huge luxuries that I am not often awarded.

8. Blogs

I really love logging in each day and reading what everyone has posted overnight. I do not comment often, but I read everything. I love taking time out to catch up on my blogging friend's lives, and see what interesting things they have posted. I get to lose myself in their lives instead of worrying about my own for a change.

9. Being a Gamer:

I play video games. Console games mostly, I am a die hard Playstation fan, although I do want an X-box 360, there are some titles and perks with X-Box that do not come with the Sony systems. I will play computer games when I find one that holds my attention, but usually there is a console version of most games and I much rather play those. Those are the ultimate distraction, I am actively participating in a different type of life, living vicariously in that fantasy world, if you will. The truth is, sometimes reality sucks, and when there is nothing you can do to change it other than give things time to happen as they should ( like healing from a massive surgery for instance *ahem* ) then there is nothing wrong with a little escapism in my opinion. As long as the fantasy world does not overshadow and take the place of the real world, then I see nothing wrong with it.

10. Alex:

Yes, my baby girl. She drives me bat shit insane half the time, with her constant chattering, and even though I enjoy my "quiet time" when she is at school, by the time it is time for her to come home, I am missing her and the burst of energy she brings home with her every day. Sure, that means there is more to do for a while until homework, dinner, bathing, and hearing about her day went is finished, but the energy of the day changes the second she steps off the bus. In fact, it is now time to go collect my little fireball from the bus stop.

Have a great day folks!

Update on Jack...

( Just a note, I wrote this late Friday night, the 21st, but due to the late hour I am scheduling it to post Saturday the 22nd, so it is not lost in readers and news feeds. )

Hello folks.

Sorry for my absence from the blog. This week has been super busy and hectic. Jack had his second back surgery on the 18th, and it was a very long day. Once they got him opened up, they saw there was a lot more damage than they originally thought, and I had to sign consent for them to preform the rest of the surgery. A two hour surgery turned into a six and a half hour surgery. It was out patient surgery, so they sent him home afterwards, and the last couple of days have been rough. He is in a lot more pain than he was last time, and he is on some pretty intense medicines for it.

As much as he hates it, he has had to stay in bed other than getting up to go to the bathroom, and he is not even arguing about it, which lets me know just how bad it is.

Alex spent Tuesday night with my Mom ( thank goodness for her! ) but she came home Wednesday, so I have been taking care of them both. I have been running on very little sleep, and Jack is not sleeping much, so I get up when he gets up, yet I still have to be up at six a.m. to get Alex up and ready for school. I realized earlier today that I have only eaten twice since Tuesday night. I scarfed down some leftover curry the evening we got home from surgery, and then yesterday I ate some chips with a little bit of guacamole. That's it. Combine hardly any food with very little sleep, and I have been a walking zombie, ready to drop for the last several days.

I made up for the food issue today however. I have eaten four times lol. Small bits each time, but four times none the less. Alex and I made homemade Toquitos for dinner tonight. I did not document it on film for the blog, I was more concerned about feeding us and eating something myself, and spending some time with poor Alex, than I was about taking pictures.

I have been trying to spend extra time with Alex over the last couple of days. She is such a sensitive child, she worries about things, and she has been very worried about Jack, and she can sense I am running on empty, because she is constantly asking me if I am okay. What worries me the most is how hard this year has been on her; she is not quite eight years old yet, and she has dealt with more this year alone than most 30 year old people have gone through. She was smiling and laughing less, and that was breaking my heart, as she is a very effervescent child normally. I have been giving her extra attention, just she and I. Cooking together, watching a movie, extra time during homework, extra hugs, extra talking. Anything to see her smile again, and this afternoon she was a little better, so I hope that continues to improve. I took one of my new eyeliner pencils that I can not use anymore ( because the least bit of heat, even the natural temperature of my skin, makes it run down my face ) and drew on her face, basically doing face painting designs, and filling in the designs with some eye shadow colors I do not wear. I took pictures, but her eyes were so damn sad in them I can not stand to post them, they break my heart. I hate it when she is sad.

Back to Jack, he has 3 to 4 weeks of recovery ahead of him, then his follow up appointment with the doctor, and then he will have to go through physical therapy again. After that, I do not know what is going to happen. We will just have to wait and see, as this surgery was much more invasive and much deeper than the first one was.

So that is where we are right now, and until he is a little more independent my time online and on the blog will be a bit spotty. It seems that every time I sit down here to do anything, he or Alex need something, or something needs to be done in the house, that I feel like a jumping bean lol. So that is where I am, and what I have been doing. Please forgive my lack of a Thursday and Friday post this week, but as I mentioned on the Facebook fan page  earlier today, the thought of trying to string together cohesive thoughts into a blog post make me want to take a nap lol. I will be back more regularly when he is more able to get around and do things for himself. I just wanted to update everyone and explain my absence.

I hope you all have a great weekend, and for those who celebrate, have a Merry Mabon/Blessed Ostara!

Ten Things Thursday: 10 Things I am Grateful For.

Today I decided to do a Ten Things I am Grateful For post. Things have been tough here, which I have written about, but there are a lot of things I am very thankful for, and I thought this week I would list them, partially as a reminder to myself that when things get crazy, there are things to hold on to that will get me through.

1. Family

Both blood and chosen, I am so grateful for my family. Jack is my rock and the kids are my world, they are the reason I get up every day, the reason I keep trying, when sometimes I just want to run away or sleep it all away. I am thankful my Mother still walks this Earth, even if we do not always get along. I am thankful that the last eight years with my Dad were so good before he passed. I am so thankful for my chosen family, my friends, my adopted brothers and sisters. The ones who give me their unwavering love and support, even when I am moody and grumpy, or weepy and hopeless, or stressed out and pulling my hair out. Without them, and their love, support, encouragement, and assistance, I would be lost.

2. My home

I do not have a very large and glamorous house, but I have a comfortable home. We are not rich, or drive a fancy vehicle, but our truck is reliable and gets us where we need to go. We do not have a lot of money, and a lot of the time we have to scrape up enough to make ends meet, but at least we have those things. So many are without homes and vehicles and enough food to eat, and while times can be tough, we have those things, and I am so thankful for that.

3. The Internet

I know it may sound frivolous or cheesy, but without my net I would probably go insane. It is how I talk to my friends, it is how I write, it is how I learn and stay informed, and it is how I stay entertained. My life would be much more lonely and boring without the internet.

4. Writing and Blogging

I am thankful I have the ability to write. To release, to inform, to make people laugh, to be a part of different communities because of my writing. I have met some of the most amazing and dear to me people due to me being able to string together cohesive sentences in my little corner of the internet. Writing is like breathing to me; vital, important, and necessary.

5. Alex's Amazing School and Teachers

Alex is in a small Charter School, and I am so in love with it. It is small and dedicated to it's students. It is a Science and Art focused school, which is perfect for the creative soul that Alex is. Her teachers are all totally amazing, and they go out of their way to make sure Alex and the other students get the attention they need to truly be successful, and I feel it is because of them that Alex loves school so much. I am so thankful for them.

6. Books

I am a bookworm, and books have been my friends when there was no one around. I have read books that literally changed my life, and some that may have even saved it. Books make me happy, they fill me up, and now, in the digital age, I have more books on my computer and other devices than I can probably read in what is left of my lifetime, but I still add more daily. Books are like my children, precious and needing love. I am thankful that I love to read, and have so much material to work with.

7. Food and Cooking

This one ties into the home one in a way, as I am glad we finally have enough food to eat, but it goes beyond that. I love to cook, and I enjoy food. It engages all of my senses, and the act of cooking grounds me and I am in an almost zen state when I am in the kitchen working on a recipe. Nothing makes me feel more accomplished than when I have made a recipe that everyone loves. If I were to win a Pulitzer one day, the truth is, if you told me my dinner last night was the most amazing thing you have ever eaten, it would probably make me three times as happy as winning the award lol.

8.Love

Again, it may sound cheesy, but I am the woman who felt for most of my life that I was not good enough, that no one would ever really love me for who I am, instead of who they think I should be. I have been through a lot of pain because of a lack of love, and it colored my whole life, so now, that I am surrounded with love and acceptance, it is a miraculous thing to me. I have a wonderful husband, amazing kids, a few solid family members, and the most AMAZING friends that anyone could ever ask for. They are all so diverse and intelligent and talented. Luckily they seem to feel the same way about me, so the fact that I am surrounded by love, and can finally give love in return, makes me feel that my life is so much richer because of it.

9. Being able to roll with the flow

This year, ( and others in my life ) have been tough, but I think I have gotten pretty good at riding the waves in the ocean of my life. There have been times I felt I would drown in the turbulent seas, but so far I have been able to keep my head above the water, and I am proud of that fact. Being bi-polar and prone to fits of depression and apathy, it would be rather easy just to sink beneath the waves and stop fighting, and to be honest I have considered it more than once. Something in my spirit will not let me do that though. It commands me to fight, to reach the surface once more, to keep trying to reach the shore. In my past, the easiest way to deal with my problems was to run from them, pick up and start over, instead of trying to fight for what I had.  I am thankful that I have the will to stand my ground now, to dig in my heels and push back when life starts trying to engage me in a shoving match. I am so much stronger and so much more whole than I used to be. Now, with the love and support I have, not only from my friends and family, but FOR MYSELF, I feel that I can get through anything.

10. You

That's right. You. The one sitting here reading this. I am so grateful for YOU. Each and every one of you, that come here and share my world with me. You have laughed with me, some of you have even cried with me. You have shared in my triumphs and have felt sympathy for my despair. I write for myself, meaning even if no one ever read a word I have written, I would STILL write...but you...knowing you ARE here, reading my words, helps me to feel connected to something so special. Some of the closest people in my life I have met right here, through this blog. I have been given so many wonderful opportunities because of you. So today...while I am thankful for you all every day....today I am especially grateful that you are all here, and are a part of my life. You make my world a richer place to live in. Thank you.

Tired...

I am tired folks. Flat out tired. It has been a long week...month...Summer...year. This whole year has been one gigantic crapfest and I am just tired to my core. There have been a few bright moments, and I am very thankful for them, but unfortunately there is not enough good to offset the bad these days.

Take just the last week for starters. Rain. Never. Ending. Rain. It has been raining every single day, 75% of the day, for two months. No exaggeration. All day rain. I feel like I am molding. Friday night Alex and I were up and the power kept surging. I was not surprised..because it was RAINING and our power goes out all the freaking time in the rain. It did this for about 15 minutes and then seemed to regulate. So we went to bed shortly thereafter. Jack woke me up at 8 on Saturday because it was doing it again, and the surging was so bad we were afraid for our electronics and the lights, and they were all bright as the sun. So we killed the main breaker and called the power company. They came out and determined that our main breaker outside was fried. So we called the landlord, as it is his responsibility to fix these things. Of course, it was a weekend and he is cheap and does not want to pay weekend service charges, so he gave us some bullshit story about nothing being open and he could do nothing until Monday. So I called my Mom and she was kind enough to let us come stay the weekend with her, and we would just bring Alex to the bus stop Monday morning and then come to the house and wait for the electrician, which was supposed to be here first thing in the morning. We did that, and came home and waited. The old guy finally shows up and says "Yep, the breaker is fried." ( No shit Sherlock, we already TOLD you that. ) So he says he has to go get the breaker as he did not have one like that on hand, and would be back in a couple of hours. 6 hours later he calls and says he has it but it is pouring ( as usual ) and he can not fix it in the rain, so he would be over first thing the next morning. So I call Mom and ask if we can stay one more night and she agrees.

So we pack up and head back over there. I will not go into details, but later, we all got into a wicked fight over some one else's lies and a mistake on Jack's part, and we ended up having to leave, to come home to a house with no power and no way to eat and no way to get Alex up the next morning. I was very unhappy. Other things happened, which are personal , but I was heartbroken and sick with all the stress and drama, and I got a wicked migraine that almost sent me to the hospital it was so bad. Jack ended up staying up half the night so Alex would get up on time, and he got her up and off to school. He had to take her to school because the bus never showed. We found out later the bus had a headlight out and was being fixed. Nice of them to call and let us know. I was still in bed, my head was pounding and I could hardly stand.

He gets home around 9 and the landlord calls and says the guy will be out there soon. 2 hours go by, and it was starting to get dark and I knew it was about to rain. Two not so nice calls by me to the landlord later ( I never get mouthy with these people, but I have just had enough of everybody and their bullshit, by law he has to provide us with power ( as long as we pay the bill of course ) and it had been four days and I had to spend the night there with a 7 year old with no way to eat or anything, as our stuff is electric and it was pouring so we could not cook outside, so I was just beyond fed up. It starts raining, and with each drop I get angrier and angrier. I call the landlord back and I told him I do not care if the guy has to come out with an umbrella and some rubber ducks, but he needs to get my power back on NOW. 20 minutes later the electrician shows up, puts the breaker in and finds out that did not solve the issue. So now we were facing a house wiring issue. I was near tears by this point. An hour and much tracking of mud all over my friggen house later, the guy finds out that when that moron who came over to put our new phone lines in, also managed to not only break our water pipes in two places, in addition to cutting every single other phone line in the neighborhood and having to come back and repair them, he ALSO managed to cut the ground wire leading from the meter box to our house. So un-grounded power was surging through our home. I thought I was going to have a stroke. Luckily the electrician ran us a temp line from the box to the house, above ground, and is supposed to come back out Thursday to bury the wire once he gets the proper machine to do so, and that will be fixed. So at least we have power back. Then came the fun of my landlord screaming at me to get him the name of the jerk who cut it, since he was going to make him pay the 1300 dollars it is taking to get us back up and running. Lots of fun.

Add to that we are beyond broke, the only reason we have food in the house is because my Mom cleaned out her freezers and gave us the stuff so we would not starve, the truck needs a fuel pump and only works half the time, leaving us sitting on the side of the road more than once, the doctors are dragging their feet with Jack, family issues, stress after stress and I have had just about as much as I can take. I have migraines daily, and I told Jack that I was going to end up either dying from a heart attack or my brain would explode from the migraines. The family issues also screwed up a 20 year friendship with Jack and one of his oldest friends, and all because some ego tripping power complex having asshole decided to tell three different sets of lies to three different people, resulting in a lot of heartache, broken relationships, and loss of time and money, and us having to pay money we do not have for something we had nothing to do with. All I can say is that man better hope I never lay eyes on him again.

I may gripe every now and then, but this is a hole I just can not seem to drag myself out of. I do not know what to do, or where to turn, or how to fix it. I am a positive ( albeit realistic ) thinker, but this...I am not finding much to be positive in my life right now. I know that eventually things will turn around, but this year, and most of last year, have been terrible, and I can no longer see the light up ahead, guiding me on my way, and the batteries in my flashlight are dead.

I am tired of tripping over rocks and falling in the dark...I really need to find a light switch.