A different viewpoint....

This is going to be a VERY long one folks, so go on and get a tasty beverage and a snack, you might be here a while.

I am not one of those bloggers who write a lot about current events, or politics, LGBT issues, or even religion. ( Just because I am a bisexual witch does not mean I feel the need to take up the call to educate the masses. I just want to be left alone to be me, there are others out there way more influential, capable, educated, and qualified to teach people about it. I realize that.) All I really have at the end of the day is my opinion, and because I respect people, I tend to keep that to myself, because I have a different outlook on a lot of things than most people do. I am not quick to slam people, or even lift people up, because I understand that everyone looks at things differently, and because I have a wide variety of friends, I think it is better to let a lot of things go then get embroiled in some debate or bitter battle over it. Just because we feel differently about something, does not mean I am going to stop being your friend, or call you stupid, or other names, simply over a difference of opinion, especially if it does not directly affect me. That is just the way I am.

This post is brought about by the whole Paula Deen scandal, and before you roll your eyes or get your dander up, hear me out.

I am not going to write a post rehashing the details of what has happened, or defend or persecute her. I want to talk about something else that is basically a side effect of what has happened with her.

Let me go ahead and get it out of the way and give you a brief statement of where I stand on the whole thing, just so there is no confusion. I will make it quick.

I am not a supporter of Paula Deen.

I think what she did was wrong, although I think her BROTHER is a worse individual, and I in no way condone the things she did, said, or the way she acted. This goes way deeper than her using a racial slur a few times, and I am well aware of that fact.

Having said that, I also think that she is being used as a sacrificial lamb of sorts. I think she is being burned at the stake for a lot of her brother's crimes, and I think that people are trying to force this into a (forgive me) black and white situation, when there are a lot of grey areas that are not being  addressed.

Again, I am not here to debate the right or wrong of what she herself did. I want to talk about everyone else.

But first, a little background:

I was born and raised in North Florida, and I have lived here for my entire life. I was born in 1979, and when I was three years old, we moved from a predominately white county to a predominately black county.

Now a lot of people think Florida is not part of the "South," but where I come from, which is Gadsden  County, anything East of Panama City and North of say Lake City, was simply an extension of South Georgia. I lived about 10 or 15 minutes from the Florida-Georgia line, and there was virtually no distinction between our friends and family a few minutes North of us in Georgia. We sounded the same, we acted the same, we thought the same for the most part.

When I said I moved to a predominately black county, I meant it. White people were ( and are ) the minority in that area. ( I live in a different county now.)  We called my 8th grade year in school " The Year of the White People," not as a racially derogatory thing, but because there was about 30 white kids in school that year, and that was pretty much unheard of. 30 white kids in a 500+ kid school. We were amazed.

I have written before about how I did not have the greatest school experience when it comes to racial issues. I had several black friends ( I mean, let's be honest, there was not much other choice, even if I WERE the type to exclude someone based on skin color...which I am not. ) and even in those 30 white kids, there was a strong clique atmosphere. I was mostly lucky as I rode somewhere in the middle, I was friends with members of all the cliques, mostly because we had  all been friends since we were in Kindergarten and First grade, yet I was not a part OF any of the cliques. I mostly flew under the radar with the white folks. )

The black kids were a whole different story. I did have many black friends, but I had a hell of a lot of black enemies too. These kids were taught to hate white people, we were the ones who had caused all their problems in life. ( Never mind that most of those black kids had way better lives than I did as a kid. ) I had pieces of notebook paper slid over to me, to see if I was " as white a sheet of paper," I had my red hair pulled and snatched by mean little girls, I was cornered often in gym class and in the back hallways, praying that I would not get my ass tore up because when one person fought, 50 other kids joined in. I saw some pretty brutal beat downs in middle school. I was groped against my will by big black guys in the halls and in class. I actually failed P.E. in both 7th and 8th grade ( this was back in the days before P.E. became a mandatory to pass class ) because I started to refuse to dress out, staying in the safety of the bleachers instead of in the middle of a sport ( I hated sports anyways, I was the nerdy reader yet goth girl ) because at least ONE of the gym teachers were not utterly prejudiced ( most were, openly ) so I might have a better shot at not getting a basketball or football to the face, or shoved down to the ground and stomped on, both of which had happened often.

 In shop class in 7th grade, I was whipped with a massive wooden paddle with holes in it by a massive 400 pound, 6 foot 2 black football coach, because of the lies a black girl told on me. I had missed a couple of days of school due to being sick, and we were working on wood joints in shop class. My (white) friend Tim had also missed a couple of days, and on the day we both returned, Coach W. told us to go into the wood room and get the pieces of wood needed to make up the projects we had missed. To the room we went, and the wood I needed was behind the door, and the pieces Tim needed were 30 feet across the room.

So there we were, in opposite corners of a huge room, and this black chick who was in most of my classes that year and hated my guts slung open the heavy steel door, hitting me with it, as I was behind it, and poked her head in the room. I yelled "OW, watch IT," before I saw who it was, and then my blood drained from my face, because I knew trouble was coming, this girl made my life HELL. She looked at me, looked at Tim, ( 30 feet away, still ) and BELLOWED " OOOOH Y'all is KISSING! Ima tell Coach W.!" ( Yeah, that is  how she talked. Sigh. ) She scampers off to go tell Coach and I stayed right where I was, and so did Tim, because we were doing nothing wrong. Coach comes lumbering his ass in there and asks us what happened, and we both told him the truth, we were getting the stuff as we were told to do, we were across the room from each other, and had been the whole time. Well, Coach HATED white people and had no problem telling you so. So he already did not believe us, and it did not help that the girl's friends all backed her up.

He made us come into his office, which had a door but one wall was glass, so he could overlook the shop and sit in his air conditioned office. He was a huge man, and it was hot in the shop, I can't say I blame him. Anyway, everyone was afraid of Coach, even the black kids. He was mean, and brutal, and I have no idea why he even taught because he seemed to hate kids in general. When he took us in the office, we knew we were  in trouble. He asked us what happened one more time, and told us to tell the TRUTH, and we repeated the same story, because it WAS the truth. When we were done, he told us " Well, I don't believe y'all little crackers, and y'all is going to get licks." Now even then, you were supposed to have written permission  to use corporal punishment on a child, and neither of our parents had signed such a thing. We each got 5 licks. Tim went first, and I felt bad, because he was a skinny little thing, and was only wearing thin gym shorts because he has gym next period. I had just come from gym, and I had on my shorts under my jeans, plus, not to be gross, but I was on my moon time and back then I wore two pads, one in front and one in back, to protect my clothing because our classes were so spread out we often did not have time all day to use the restroom. I had a few layers between me and the paddle, but I will not lie, it still hurt. Coach was huge, the paddle was thick and full of holes, and he used a LOT of force. He lifted us both off the ground with the force of his swings. Tim sniveled a bit, trying to be brave, and I did not cry, even though I wanted to, because I was SO PISSED. As I mentioned, the office has a glass wall, and every damn kid in class was lined up in front of that window to watch us get hit. When we got finished and were sent out of the office, the girl who got me in trouble smirked at me, she was happy with herself. ( In case you were wondering, yes I told my parents, yes they flipped out and went to the school and Coach got in trouble. It made my life worse for the next two years. )

Lots of other things happened, but I think you get the point.

Even though I was treated so terribly, I did not call them racial slurs. They called each other that, and they called us "honkys" and "crackers" and things like that. Some of the white kids who had racist parents, and were taught it was okay to call them racial slurs, and some of those who were just fed up in being bullied, called the black kids the  N word and other things. Not all the kids, but some. However, these terms were also used in jest. Black kids would call white kids crackers and the like, joking, and the white kids with black friends called them the N word also in jest.

Now, that was us kids. I have to point out about the older folks too. Now, people of our parents generation tended to use the word with hate, or in a derogatory manner. That generation seemed to be the one that caused a lot of issues, however the next generation, what would be the grandparents generation of us kids, they used the words too, but it was not usually filled with hate. It was descriptive, because in their day and age, that was normal. The N word was interchangeable and usually as innocent as if they used the world black, and the black folks used honky and cracker in the same manner. Now of course, not ALL of them used it in a seemingly innocent manner, but a huge portion of those people did, and I know this because I witnessed it. I have been present for conversations between adults where it was talked about, and I heard from both white and black older adults that this is just the way it was, and that is how they used it still today ( today being 20 years ago or more now. )

I come from poor financial stock. My Dad's family was poor, and had been poor for many generations back. My Mom's side was better off, but not rich by any means ( although they are all mostly filthy rich now, not that we are. ) I have no idea if we had slaves way back in the day, but I know that if we DID, it was MANY generations back, because the last several generations  were dirt poor and about the same in class as the slaves were at the time. I do not say that lightly, or think that white ( or Indian in my Dad's case ) were treated exactly the same or as poorly as slaves were, not at all. I am just saying that we were not much higher on the totem pole, to use a common phrase from my childhood.

To tie this back to Paula for a moment, she came from the deep south, in a time where those words were normal, and not always derogatory. She came from a time where those words were used as a description just as calling me redheaded is now. I have NO clue of her intent when she said what she did,or did the things she did. What I DO know is that not everyone who uses those words, then or NOW, mean  them in a terrible way. I know black and white people, TODAY, that use those words, and they do not use them in the "bad way." Does that make it right? Nope. Does that mean I am going to do that, because they say it is okay with them, or because some freaking celebrity said that is what they do? Nope. Have I said things in private, such as repeating a joke, in the past, that used those types of words? Yep. Have I been told ( by black friends ) things in the same manner? Yep. Do I think racism is funny or right? Hell no. Am I perfect, or naive and think that 99% of the population have not, at some point in their lives, uses a racial slur, either in a derogatory fashion, or in a joking manner where no one involved got offended? Not even close.

I do not even hold hatred in my heart against Coach or the girl who got me in trouble anymore. I do not think they should lose everything they own because of what they did. Does it make it okay, what they did? Not in the least. But holding a witch hunt will not accomplish anything other than making me just as bad as they were.

Here is where folks will balk at my words.

If I were being abused at work, a place I worked at WILLINGLY, and I chose to REMAIN in that environment, then it is just as much MY fault for being in that situation as it is for the employer to treat the employee in such a manner. Now I understand that these people need their jobs. They have to survive, feed their families. I am NOT condoning the actions of the employer. But these were not slaves. These were free citizens. They did not have to keep being treated that way. While I know it was a different world back then, there were still things to be done to stop or bring to light that type of behavior.

I worked for the Dept. of Education at one time ( well, twice, this was the first time ) in my life, and one morning, I go in to work and a co-worker calls me over and wants me to look at a video online. It was a video of two college girls filming themselves having sexual relations with their very large German Shepard. When I saw what it was I said "EWWWW that is SICK," and then I walked away and went to my desk and started my work day. Was I grossed out? Uh, yeah. Was I offended? No. I walked away. I was not forced to watch. Do I think it was inappropriate? Sure, it was a work place, (before work hours though, and there was no ban on what we could watch outside of work hours..) but as it in NO way affected me I did not feel I needed to go and tell someone.That may be wrong to some, but that is how I felt. I did not feel demeaned or unsafe or feel like my work place was a hostile environment, but if I HAD, then I would have taken the appropriate steps to rectify the situation. To bring it back to Paula for a bit, the second time I was told I would be paid in beer, or told I had to use a particular bathroom because of the color of my skin, you can bet your ass that I would have STOPPED WORKING THERE, and contacted the appropriate people and hopefully got something done about it THEN...not 20 years later when someone else says something first. I would not have STAYED and kept not being paid, or if I was being told things or treated in a manner that made me upset or uncomfy, I would have beat a path out of there.

Before you all think I am heartless or stupid, or siding with the employers, I am not, I swear. I am fully aware of the competition for work, I am fully aware of the line between staying and putting up with abuse and having my kids go hungry or be homeless. I am fully aware of the rampant discrimination of that time period, and chances are that if they had gone to someone, they would not get the results they needed because of how things worked back then. I know all this. What happened to these employees in question is AWFUL. NO ONE should have to work in those conditions. I do not think that it is, in ANY WAY, the employee's fault that this happened. However, I feel that one of Paula's biggest crimes is TURNING A BLIND EYE while her brother treated these people like trash. I do not feel that Paula should be the one up there losing everything. Should she go unpunished? Of course not! She did things that were very wrong. But I feel people are using her as a scapegoat, first for her brother, whom no one cares about because he was not in the public spotlight as Paula is, and secondly because she is an easy target. We can't seem to prosecute the oh, say, POLITICIANS that the populace keeps electing into office, who do much worse things TO EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN EVERY DAY, but we can do it to an old woman who messed up 20 plus years ago. We can go at each other's throats because of what side of the argument you fall on against a CELEBRITY that WE elevated to star status, because we can't go after those people we really want to go after.

To sum part one up, Paula and ESPECIALLY her brother should NEVER have treated their employees in such a manner, nor said the things they said to their employees. Never. The employees should never have been made to feel they were in a hostile work environment in any way. However, the employees should never have stayed or allowed themselves to be treated in such a way.You can't always control how another person will treat you, but you CAN control how you will allow yourself to be treated. They should have come forward LONG before now.

Which brings me to my next point.

( Told ya it was a long one...I have three points to make, although I admit the one above is not clear cut. The  next two will be.)

Part two is about how we view and treat these "celebrities."

We, as a populace, tend to idolize and admire these people we call celebrities. They are usually gorgeous, talented, and rich people that live the life some of us wish we could have. We hang on to their every word,  we scour the internet for news, we are sad when they pass away, we love it when they do good things, and we friggen slaughter then when they mess up. We take it personal, we are disappointed and let down when someone with so much power ( power that WE gave them, but I will get to that. ) uses it in a way we deem unfit.

Why?

Why do we hold these people to a higher standard than we hold say, elected officials and everyday people we come in contact with? Why do  we treat these people as demi-gods, when they are just NORMAL PEOPLE who happen to have a particular talent that puts them in the public eye and gets them lots of our money. Ah, there it is. Money. We paid OUR money to elevate these NORMAL people into superstar status. Therefore, we think and act like they OWE us something, because we paid for them to do these things, so they MUST be everything we want them to be, right?

Bullshit.

Sure, they may be mega rich and beautiful and talented, but they are still NORMAL people, just like you and  me. They just so happen to have a particular talent that gives them opportunities that we all do not have. Just like you and me, they are just humans, doing what they have to do in this life to survive until it is over. They just happen to be in the public eye and be a little better off financially than most of us. It is very unfair and unrealistic to hold them to some ideal they did not ask for. Just like everyday people, some of them are really wonderful people. They do great things, they go out of their way to do good, they use their money for worthy causes, they spend their time in noble pursuits. They strive to make the world a better place. On the other hand, some of them are total and complete asshats. They are mean, selfish, could care less about the world, and just like so many other NORMAL, UNFAMOUS people, they just want to go to work and be left the hell alone, they could give a shit less about anyone not important to them.

Each and every one of us have this potential, to be good, or bad, to put it simply. Just because these people have a job that rakes in a ton of money and affords them the chance to do things every day people may not get does not change who they are at their core.

I am willing to bet that Paula Deen's brother ( what is his name? Bubba, or  something like that? ) was just as much of an asshat before he got a little bit of money as he is today. I bet MONEY on it, and I am broke as hell. I know it is a safe bet. I bet Angelina Jolie was as close to the same person she is now before she got famous.

There are a ton of celebrities I could name on both sides of the spectrum, but you get my point.

My question is, why do we really act SO shocked and surprised and take it so personally when a famous person does not live up to OUR standards WE impose upon them? Not THEIR standards and expectations for themselves, mind you, but a bunch of strangers who do not know them at all? Why do we think because they have a lot of money and spend a lot of time on camera that they have to be anything other than what THEY want to be? How would you feel if that famous person came to you, and told you that because you did not do XYZ, or because you did ABC that you deserved to have everything you are stripped from you, that you were such a disappointment to them because you did not live up to the expectations of a TOTAL stranger, that you were a terrible person and deserved to have everything taken from you. I hope you would tell them, in whatever way you  feel appropriate, to kiss your ass, that you live by your own standards and by what makes you happy, and that person can get bent, famous or not famous.

Now I am not really talking about Paula on this one, because she did some pretty shady shit, and she has to live with the consequences of her actions. Everyone does. In a perfect world, we would all treat each other with love, respect, and equality, "common" folk and celebrities alike, but this is not a perfect world. We, as a people, have not reached that point yet.

My point is, you should be just as outraged if your neighbor called someone a queen as you are that Alec Baldwin called someone a queen ( AFTER they disrespected his pregnant wife, by the way. Where is everyone slamming that guy and ripping HIM to shreds? ) And maybe you would be, and that is great. That is how it should be. My point is that just because Alec Baldwin is famous does not mean he should be MORE punished and in a much more extreme manner that your neighbor would.

I do not think that it is right for us to feel that just because these people are famous that they are any less human that you and I are, and needs to be held to some more severe standard than everyone else. On the flip side, I also strongly disagree about celebs getting these little slaps on the wrist when they break the law, instead of getting the same punishment that an non famous person would get. They do not deserve to be treated any differently unless their actions indicate they need to be treated differently. Just because someone SEEMS so sweet and nice, does not always indicate who they are as a person, and just because a person seems like a jerk does not mean they are. You do not know them personally.  You have no clue how these people are in "real life.." all you see is what is on a big screen, or on television or the net, where it is some people's JOBS to make these folks look as terrible as possible, because that is what a HUGE chunk of the population wants. They want to see these people's dirty laundry. They LOVE to see celebrities to trip up, to do something "stupid" to show their  HUMANITY! Dirt gets WAY more press than good stuff. Not to mention, half of that stuff is fake anyways, and done simply for ratings or for publicity's sake.

I want to share with you a bit I posted earlier tonight on a social networking friend's page, as I touched on how I feel about the whole thing there:

"Celebrities are doing there JOB. Their job as an actor, a comedian, a TV personality. WE are the ones who elevate them into role model status. THEY are just doing their JOB. Just because WE choose to elevate them to some lofty ideal, does NOT mean THEY are GOOD AND DECENT people. It does NOT mean THEY are actually going to act the way WE think they need to, simply because they are a celeb. They did not sign a contract when they reached celeb status that said " I will always be the perfect and moral ROLE MODEL for you, and I so do solemnly vow to never say a single bad thing about anyone or do anything stupid or wrong, because from this moment on I now renounce the fact I am a HUMAN and I will be the the perfect ROLE MODEL for humanity."

NO! They do not. The problem is, people expect these people who are doing a JOB to be something more than they are because WE choose to elevate them to this status. WE choose to throw our money and support to these people and help make them who they are. I UNDERSTAND why people are disappointed, because as a human being, she, and everyone else should be better, but I fail to see why ANYONE acts all shocked and scandalized. THEY ARE HUMAN. Some humans SUCK. 

I might ADMIRE someone on TV or movies or in the entertainment business, but I have enough sense not to follow them off a cliff if they jumped off too. If I watched her, and then found all this out, NO WAY IN HELL would I start going around and treating people like crap JUST BECAUSE PAULA DID. 

I feel people grossly OVERestimate these celebrity people, and grossly UNDERestimate the intelligence of the population. ( YES I know there are idiots out there, I know. )

For the record, I think what she did was wrong. I am NOT a Deen supporter. She will get what she deserves, it is already happening to her. What happens to her next is honestly up to her. Having said that, I think it is OUR fault, as a SPECIES, that things get to this point because we place soooo much credibility and things onto these people who YOU DON'T KNOW, and most likely DO NOT DESERVE to be put on this pedestal. They are just normal PEOPLE who have a talent, and that talent puts them in the public eye. SHOULD they all be decent people? Yes. ARE they are decent people? Hell no."

That pretty much  sums up how I feel about  that part.

Celebs are just people, like you and I, and they do great things, they make really stupid mistakes, and they do really abhorrent things, just like we are ALL capable of. The fact they are famous has NO bearing on the situation, aside from the fact that they will be going through the consequences in front of an audience of millions,while what we do or do not do might only be known by a few people.

Still with me?  Thanks, I know this is a very long one with a lot going on, but I am ready to get to the final point of the day.

This situation with Paula has brought a lot of strong emotions out in people. Almost everyone has an opinion, usually a strong one, about the whole thing. That is expected. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. What bothers me is watching not only strangers attack strangers on blog posts, news articles, and social media, but FRIENDS calling each other stupid and ignorant, and many other things because of the difference in opinion. I have seen people be attacked, their whole belief system under fire, by people they call friends. Because they are not willing to slam someone, then they get called names, they get their  morals undercut, they get treated harshly, and the same thing happens if you do slam someone.

Call me crazy, but treating someone like shit because they do not feel the same way you do, when the subject is about someone who treated people harshly, sounds a bit...oh, I don't know..hypocritical? Calling people you normally respect ignorant and stupid makes you look pretty crappy yourself, in my opinion. I understand we all have our own opinion, but do we really have to resort to name calling and defamation of character over this? Is this not kind of the pot calling the kettle black, when you resort to similar tactics that the person you are so worked up over used?

Here is a bit I posted in a blog comment on an excellent post by Inciting A Riot earlier, that shares another bit on what I think about it:

"What is just as bad, in a way, is that the people are turning so vicious on each OTHER. One person acts like Deen should be put to death, considering the vehemence she puts forward into ripping Deen apart, and if anyone in ANY way says anything other than also ripping Deen apart, well, then that person just can't deal with you and your stupidity. You must be stupid since you have your own *different* opinion that is not in agreement with hers. If you do not agree then you think shaming and slurs and gay bashing and discrimination and child and animal abuse are all okay! We can't possibly be friends if you don't think Deen is the anti-Christ!

Extreme pot calling the kettle black, much?

On the other side of the spectrum, there is a person ( and I am just using general terms here for he and she ) who is a staunch supporter of Deen, and thinks this is all "hogwash" and a big bunch of sensationalism and sure she should not have done those things but it is really as bad as all this that has happened, normal people do it every day and this does not happen to them...and if you are so against her than you are stupid and wrong and you must be one of those tree hugging hippies who thinks everyone should love everyone and you are an idiot because THAT IS NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD WORKS! We can't possibly be friends because you don't think Deen is being judged to harshly!!"

Same pot, same kettle.

Forgive my bad analogy, but the world is not so black and white. If ONE person ( celebrity ) can be burned at the stake for this, then shouldn't every single person, normal, celeb, politician, whatever, be held to the same exact standards? Does that mean I can go my grocery store manager's house and take his money, take his store, totally destroy him because I heard him call someone a racial slur, or smack a female employee on the ass as she walked by? No? Why not? 

Oh right, because he is not a role model. He is not famous. Yet, I give him a hell of a lot more money since I need food to live than I do Paula. Paula means nothing to me. I have never given her one red cent of my money. Yet my grocery store manager gets an insane amount of money from me every year. Shouldn't I care MORE about what HE said, than Deen said?

"But you can not shop there, since you heard these things."

True, but I am dirt poor and can hardly afford the gas to get to the ONE grocer in my tiny town. I do not have the options to go elsewhere all the time. We all have the option of turning these celebs into what they are. And we can take it away, as we have seen. All they are doing is making Deen a sacrifice, because everyday people can't do this to other everyday people, or the people we elect into office who do SO MUCH WORSE than Paula EVERY DAY. For that reason alone, it bugs me. What she did was wrong, but what is being done to her is not exactly right either. 

The people turning on EACH OTHER is CERTAINLY not right. "

That is what it seems like to me, and based on what I have seen around the net, others feel similar to the way I do. ( And of course there are those that think everything I have said here today is wrong. I am aware of this.)

Now I realize I am not the smartest person out there, but it does not take a genius to feel and see that this is wrong. No one is going to get their point across by using these tactics, unless their point is to prove what a jerk they are being. Being a jerk in the name of advocacy makes you no less of a jerk. It undermines the message you are trying to get across, and when an influential person uses these methods, you really become hypocritical. I could go on about people parroting these influential people, acting just like them and speaking as they are, and trying to emulate them instead of being their own unique person with their own unique voice, even if the message is the same, instead of a carbon copy of people who might not even really deserve to be emulated, but that is a whole different blog post, and another novel length one to boot. It also ties in with celebrities, and our fascination with them, and the fact that we really do not know them well enough to be acting like them or repeating their message without doing our own legwork first.

I just feel it is counterproductive to tear into each other and treat people badly while arguing about how a celebrity mistreated people. That seems a bit ironic to me.

Arguing about a person who has mistreated others while bashing the people you are talking with is not the way to go about it, and it makes you look ridiculous. It makes people lose respect for you, and for some it is tarnishing their carefully crafted image. Since some people polish their image to reflect what is really inside...you are losing the credibility and the things that  made people look up to you in the first place.

Just like Paula Deen.

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Somewhere I belong...

I am struggling again.

I am sure the stress of the last two weeks has played a huge part in that. The constant running around, the constant phone calls, ( we all  know how I feel about the phone ) Jack being so ill and away from us. I fully understand all those things have affected me.

There is more to it.

I have been in hermit mode the last few days. I have not wanted to really speak to anyone, or do anything. I needed some down time. Certain  people are not understanding or accepting of my Summer schedule. I am a night owl at heart, and all school year long  we are up very early in the morning and go to bed around ten at night. In the Summer, we get to flip around. Alex and I both rather be up at night and sleep during the day. Unless we have appointments to keep, that is what we will do...but other people do not like that much. They do not understand it, it is not what they do, so they scoff at it, or make snide remarks. It bugs me. I am 34 years old, full grown, and at this time in my life, I do not have set schedule that I HAVE to follow, nor do I until August rolls around. No one here has any problems with it. Jack does not mind, and he  is slowly swapping around to our schedule. He has no set time to do ANYTHING, so he can sleep and be awake whenever he pleases. It actually saves us money for Alex and I to be up at night. The cost of electricity is much cheaper at night, while during the day, "peak hours" cost more. Our light bill actually dropped since we flipped around. So for us, it works out much better to have this schedule. Why others have issues with it is beyond me.

The other issue is that I have been feeling very out of place. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I try to be friends with people...and I  suddenly feel very awkward...like I am the butt of a silent joke that everyone is aware of except me. I feel alone and different. On the outside looking in. If I throw myself out there, I get shut down, or worse, I feel like I am being tolerated. I hate that. I much rather someone come right out and say "Look, I really do not like you, we have nothing in common, and I am only nice to you because I either feel sorry for you, or because you are friends with someone I care about. You and me? Not so much. " I can deal with that. I can RESPECT that. I just hate feeling like I am the person that everyone tolerates in order to not seem rude.

I only have ONE person that I do not feel that way with. Out of the many people I have semi-often to often interactions with, I only have ONE that I am 100% comfortable with, and who I know will tell me in a heart beat that I am being an ass, or unreasonable, or that when she says she loves me, I know she 100% means it. Our lives are so similar and parallel that she is the one person who gets it, and I know I am that person for her too. She is priceless to me, and I would be totally lost without her.

( There are  a couple of others that I know are sincere and  do show it, this is not about them. )

It sucks though. I have others in  my life who say they feel the same, they care, they are here anytime...but I do not see it from them. I do not feel it from them. Now, I fully understand that I have a mental illness. Being bipolar means that we view the world a little differently, and that view is not always rational. I know that sometimes, the problem is simply me, it is in my own mind. However, I have been dealing with this long enough to recognize when I am being mental and unreasonable, and when there is actually something going on behind the scenes. I can't shake the feeling that something is not right in Whoville. It hurts. It hurts because I do not feel comfortable in going to these people and point blank asking them what the deal is. I am scared that the problem  is all in my head, and asking them or mentioning it to them will only serve to make me that much more of an outsider. I hate  feeling this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Not the good kind of freak.

I feel very alone.

Sometimes I need to be alone, I am an introvert after all.  This feeling of loneliness is much deeper. I feel lonely in my soul. I don't like it.

I have been cycling more rapidly these days...but instead of going from super low to super high and back again, I have been cycling from low to really low and back again. The upswing is not  actually UP, there is no happy part...just a slightly less intense low. I have a call in to my doctor for next week...I am waiting to hear back for an appointment to discuss changing my meds. I am involved in phone therapy, which is both a blessing ( because we do not have the gas money to make three trips into town a week to see the doctor physically ) and a curse, because I dislike the phone so intensely.

I just feel really lost and alone, and nothing I am doing is working to bring me out of it.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of making it worse, and I will end up even more alone. I am afraid that if I do not say anything, nothing will change and I will still be the butt of the joke, and alone. I am afraid that it is all in my head, even though I KNOW deep down that this time, there is something going on to make me  feel this way.

I do not like feeling like the crazy person everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I do not like feeling like there is a lot of whispering going on behind my back. I don't like feeling that people view me as some high maintenance "friend" that everyone has to constantly deal with.

I have been trying to be kind to myself. I realize the anniversary of my Dad passing, Jack getting sick, having to deal with Dad not being here for Father's Day, Jack not being here for Father's Day, Jack losing his doctor, ( he is moving his practice somewhere else in Florida ) the mediation for settlement coming up...I realize all those things are affecting me, and I have been trying to be really kind to myself. I sleep when I feel the need to, I eat right ( we ALWAYS eat right though, I am not one of those that cram all manner of crap in my face and then complain about how crappy I feel. I don't care what you eat, as long as you enjoy it...but we enjoy eating good and wholesome foods. ) and have been adding more natural vitamins and stuff to my diet, trying to combat the lows and being tired. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with Alex, laughing and being silly with her. Aside from Jack being a bit grumpy due to pain, things are great between he and I. I have been playing games with Alex, cooking us yummy food, being silly, relaxing and resting. I am doing things I usually enjoy. I still feel terribly empty and alone though. I do not know what else to do to fix it. I am not sure if I can fix it. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor about what my diagnosis is for all my testing. I am pretty sure the answer will be  that I have MS, so I have been trying to prepare myself for that, and what it will mean for me and my family.  I am lucky that I have a rock solid person in my life, the one I mentioned earlier, who is well versed in all things involving MS...so I will have her to help me. It is still very scary though.

 I have also been feeling like a selfish ass. It is not like I am the only person with problems. My friends all have their own lives. They have health problems, money problems, mental problems, life problems. Everyone is going through their own version of life, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I hate even talking about my own issues, because so many people out there have it worse, or have their own stuff to deal with. But as a friend told me once, just because other people have it worse, or have their own stuff going on, that does not mean what I am going though is not important, or that my feelings are not valid. I just hate to dump all my shit on someone else when they are going through their own stuff. It makes me feel like my own problems are so petty and unimportant. Even though to me the problems are massive and important, I know that to others, it is very low on the scale of things that constitute a major issue.

What do I do about it? Who do I turn to when I feel like people do not even want to talk to me, and because of my issues, I cannot even accurately judge if that is true, that they do NOT want to talk to me...or am I just being a head case and jumping at shadows? How do I combat the feelings of being alone when I am to unsure of myself to talk to anyone?

I am asking for help, but I am admitting that I do not know what kind of help I need. I don't want to be that one person that everyone just deals with, and rolls their eyes when they read stuff like this and think, " Everyone get ready, Bella has lost her mind again. Here we go with the bullshit!" I am asking for some honestly and clarity. I am asking that the people who are in my life to stay because they actually want me in their  life, and if they are just going through the motions or tolerating me, I ask that those people tell me that, so we can part ways and move on so they no longer have to deal with me, and I no longer have to worry about if they really want to be there or not.

I am asking, for those that stay, to forgive me for any weirdness, for my struggling, for not being totally sane and level all the time. I am asking for understanding, because I am just trying to figure this shit out as I go, just like everyone else. I am asking for those in my life to tell me what THEY need from me...because I want to be there for all of you. I do not want it to be about me all the time. I will give people the shirt off my back if it will help. Just know that sometimes things go sideways in my brain, and I need a little something extra every now and then. Tomorrow I might be on top of the world, and the next day I might be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I no longer have to go through this.

It is hard, and I try very hard to not let this define me, but the honest truth is, this IS a part of who I am. Glossing over it or sweeping it under the rug does no good. It means I am not being honest with myself, and it means that I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not to my friends and people I care about. I rather have one single person who truly wants to be around me than 30 people who just tolerate me because they are nice people. That may be too much to ask, but I do not really think it is. We all deserve honesty.

I think this will end my rambling tonight. If you are still reading, thank you. I know these things are not a fun read, and people probably get tired of hearing it,  but if I do not get it out, then it festers and turns into something even uglier than what it already is.

I care about all of you, and I hope that you stick around as I try to navigate the sometimes rough waters of life. I appreciate you all.

A little social experiment.

As some people may or may not have noticed, I have been pretty silent for the better part of a week on my social networks. I have not posted on Facebook or here on the blog, on Twitter, or anywhere else.

There are two reasons for that.

One, I have been busy trying to prepare for this coming week. Jack has had appointments, we have another one today and his surgery is tomorrow. Right now I am sitting in my mother's office at work, as I am going to help her pick up a new to her vehicle as her current one keeps giving her fits, in and out of the shop. So she bought a back up vehicle. I will be driving her current vehicle home later and meeting Jack at her house so we can go to his Doctor's appointment. Also, with so much going on, I have been quiet, and have not  had much to say.

After a couple of days however, I decided that since I was not going to be here much I would conduct a little experiment. I decided to see just how long it took my "friends" to notice I was not posting and had gone silent, and see who decided to check in with me. Not in an asshole way or anything. I am not going to delete anyone or act like a jerk, I was just honestly curious. I have almost 500 contacts on my personal Facebook account ( half of those are for FB games and not those I really talk to outside of the game. ) Out of the remaining half, I talk to maybe 30 people on a regular to semi-regular basis. Out of that 30, I consider 15 or so to be "close" friends, those who I would expect to notice my silence. In 5 days of total social networking silence, ( which is unheard of for me ) ONE person contacted me, and not because I was silent, but because she knows everything that has been going on in my life and decided to ask how I was. One person.

I was a bit disheartened. I have been searching for my "tribe," and I thought I had found it. Granted, everyone has things they are dealing with, and may have simply not noticed at all. But considering that I talk to a good chunk of those people DAILY...it surprised me that NONE of them said a word. NO one noticed ( or at least said anything about it ) that I said nothing for almost a WEEK. It bugs me, even though I do not want it to.

Most of my friends are online friends. Even the ones I know face to face are online friends as well, due to location, time and responsibility preventing us from getting together often. So therefore, those online friends are very important to me. Having NO one say anything at all makes me feel like I do not really matter to those people. That may not be the case of course, and I am not saying that it is. That is how it makes me feel however.

I have done the same things at times. I notice certain people not posting very often, but chances are, I know what is going on in their lives so it is not really a surprise that they have not been around, so I do not say anything. That may be the case here too. Most people know how things have been, so because they are not surprised, they might not say anything. I still do not like that little doubt that popped up in the back of my mind though.

It could make one wonder just how meaningful their online relationships actually are. I know that mine are valid and important, most of my online relationships I have had for years. I love these people.

I am sure it is best for me not to over-think it, as I tend to do.

How do you all feel about your online relationships? Are they totally fulfilling? Do they ever seem a little one-sided, ( and be honest, could you be the one not saying anything? ) Do you work as hard to maintain your online relationships that matter, as you would your face to face relationships?

Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

I am going to be quiet for a few more days, as tomorrow is Jack's surgery and I will be dealing with taking care of him for a while. Alex is spending most of this week with my Mom since the kids are out on Spring Break. So that is a good thing.

Also, I have started using Bloglovin' to replace Google Reader. There is a striking button for it over on the right sidebar. Click it to be taken to my page on Bloglovin'.

One more thing. I have a poll question up on top of the left sidebar, asking when you usually read the blogs and articles you enjoy. Be a lamb and click an answer for me, please? Thanks :D

Like this blog? Like this post? Like me? Click one of the share buttons below!

On reinventing yourself...and a hard decision..

I have been thinking a lot about the reinvention of self.

I have certainly done it, and most people probably have. Changing the style of clothes you wear. Changing hair style and color. For those of us who blog, changing blog names, making new ones. As I said, I am reasonably sure that most of us have gone through this process at least once.

I have noticed something though. Some people seem to do this constantly. Every week, or month, or every few months, they totally overhaul their lives, or something about their lives, only to end up the same exact way they were before. Then they announce some big new change, a total revamp...and they end up right back where they were before, facing the same problems, having the same attitude, going through the same issues over and over again.

I have learned that you can not run from your problems. You can not run from yourself. You can make all the outward changes in the world, but if you do not change who you are at your core, then you are always going to end up right back where you started. If you have a bad attitude, or if you blame everyone else for your problems, you can change anything you want, but if you do not change your attitude, or take some personal responsibility for your life, you are just wasting your time and effort. Six week, or six months from now, you will be right back at square one, with a new name, a new face, or a new wardrobe, but until you change your outlook on life, none of it will matter.

Instead of trying to change the outside, try changing the inside. Consider that if you keep having the same issues over and over again with other people, maybe it is not the other people's fault. Maybe it is YOU that needs to change, not them.

Keeping things fresh, and having a little shake up every now and then are very good things in my opinion. Repeating the same mistakes over and over again while wearing a different (metaphorical) outfit changes nothing. It took me a long time to realize this. I spent so much time blaming my parents for my mistakes, or saying that I was a victim of circumstance, so since it was not my fault, then it was also not my fault that nothing ever changed inside of me. I stopped growing and learning. I spent all my time being bitter and angry, feeling betrayed and victimized when people supposedly did me wrong. What really happened was people got tired of my bullshit, and decided they were better off without me. I realized I was that person that everyone walked on eggshells around, because they never knew when I was going to blow up, or flip out on them, or get up on my high horse and be totally bullheaded and unreasonable about something. I was a walking time bomb.

It took most of the people I care about basically walking out on me and my bullshit to realize that until I took a long hard look inside myself, and realized that the only person who was making me a victim was me, I was destined to be alone and miserable. My marriage suffered, my relationship with my family suffered, my friendships suffered. Granted, not ALL of the fault was mine, there were some cases where whomever I was dealing with was just a jerk or something, but most of the time, I could place a good portion of the blame squarely on my shoulders, even if it was a situation like I am in now. Someone is in my life who is not good for me, I do not like this person's attitude, or their outlook on life. However, because I care for this person, I allow the relationship to continue, even though I am unhappy, and need to get out of it. I am not being what this person needs in their life, and they sure as hell are no where near what I need in mine. So even though it is the person's fault that they are the way they are, the blame is just as much mine because I let it continue.

The funny part in all this is that I hate to be the bad guy. I hate to be the one who walks away. I hate to be considered a quitter, or a bad friend, or whatever the case may be. So I have let it continue, knowing that the relationship is not what I need, and since I am not getting what I need, I am not giving what they need either. I just can't stomach it anymore. To much has been lost, I have had to fight to hard to get back what was taken from me, and I just do not want to do it anymore. The person has not changed in years, and from what I see, they never will. The backlash is inevitable.I will be talked about, probably slandered, and told to anyone who will listen that I am a bad person, because that is how this person works. Know what? I honestly do not care any more. That no longer scares me, because the people in my life who care about me know me, and know who I am at heart. I do not hate this person, in fact I have cared for a long time, but I just can not stomach the relationship any longer. No amount of external reinventing will change who they are inside, and after years of witnessing this, I fear they will always be this way, and that makes me sad, because if all that icky energy were channeled the right way, this person would be the best friend one could ever have.

I have been agonizing over this decision for weeks, and it was a simple thought and resulting picture that brought it all to a head, and I realized that I will be okay, and just as importantly, the other person will be okay as well. We both deserve better in life, and this stagnant friendship is only dragging us both down. So I am freeing us both tonight. My decision is made. It will hurt, and it will probably hurt us both, but I have to do it. I have worked to hard on myself to be drug backwards, and it is like looking at myself in the past. I am moving forward, and the person I see ahead of me will never be obtained until I get away from those who keep me rooted to who I was in the past.

I have learned these lessons the hard way, which is how it usually works for me. Nothing worth having in my life has ever come easy, which is why I know this has to be done. I speak from a place of understanding and experience, not a place of " I do not like you anymore, kick rocks." I hope this person finds happiness within THEMSELVES, not from external trappings and through other people. Because unless you can look hard at yourself and realize your own faults, you have no room to be pointing out any one else's in my opinion.

So that is where I am tonight. Making hard, but much needed choices. So we can both move forward in our lives, what ever direction that may be. I know the other party will not believe it, but I end this relationship with no ill thoughts or wishes, I truly hope that this person is happy and will continue to be so, and will experience great love and friendship. I really do. I still care about them, but I just can not do this anymore. What was had is now lost, and I do not see a way to get it back. So I am walking away, even though it is hard and pains me to do so.

So folks, I guess the moral of the story is this:

Have a great week everyone, and take some time to do some inner reflecting, what you find just might surprise you...

Leave me out of it please...

In this modern age of social communication, we have the opportunity to meet a wide variety of people. Social networking friends introduce us to their friends, and we become friends, or acquaintances as the case may be. This is a great thing, and it broadens our friendship horizons, and sometimes you end up becoming very close with the people you met thanks to another friend. I have a handful of these people in my friend circle myself.

However, sometimes the friend you had and the friend they introduced you to have a falling out, and may stop being friends. Sometimes you end up being caught in the middle, even though you do not want to be. You have no issues with Friend A, and you have no issues with Friend B. The problem is between them, and has nothing to do with me. Yet, as has happened to me a few times, because I am associated with one friend, the other friend decides to cut themselves out of MY life because of the issue THEY are having with the other friend. This irritates me. I am not the same person as they are. I am my own person, with my own thoughts, my own opinions, my own mind, and my own feelings. I could understand it if I jumped to either Friend A's or Friend B's defense, or chose a side. I, however, do not do that. I have no vested interest in whatever their problem is. Unless it directly affects me, I really do not care what your problem is with each other. I may be sympathetic to one, or even to both, but I am not going to jump in the middle of it and make it about me, when it has not one thing to do with me. I will keep it to myself because it is none of my business.

If I am friends with you, and someone else, and I get pissed off at one of you, I am not going to remove the other one from my life simply because you know and talk to the person I am pissed at. You are not them. They are not you. So my problem would not be with you, and I have no reason to get rid of someone I have no problems with simply because you know someone I do not like or get along with. If that were the case, I would have NO friends, because I do not think I know a single person who does not know at least one other person I am friends with, be it online or in real life. It is ridiculous.

It does, however, let me know that the person who removed me probably did not think very highly of me, since they just lumped me in with the person they are ticked at, like we are one and the same. Most of the time I might not even notice I have been removed, if it is not someone I am close with, until it is pointed out or if the friend that is left tells me they had a falling out. Only one time out of several have I actually noticed it, and took steps to fix it. I went to the person, who I like very much, even if we do not talk often, and added that person back as a social networking friend. They sent me a message and explained why they had removed me, and told me they had no problem being my friend, but they wanted no part of the person that caused the unfriending in the first place, and if that was going to cause an issue then we should not be friends again. I replied that I understood perfectly, and that I was not the same person they were upset at, and had nothing to do with the situation, nor did I WANT to be in the situation, and I had no illusions about the person they no longer wanted to be associated with, and understood where they were coming from. So we became social friends again and there has never been an issue. But just tonight I find out it happened again and it really irritated me. I had no idea they had a falling out, it was not my business and even if I had known, it had nothing to do with me, and I would not be involved. But instead of talking to me, or explaining to me, or even asking me if I wanted to continue the social friendship even though they no longer wanted to talk to the mutual friend, they just got rid of me, like I was the same person the mutual friend is.

I AM NOT A CONTINUATION OF ANY OTHER PERSON.

I am me. Only me. Uniquely me. Stop putting me in the same boat as any one else. If you are upset at ME, then by all means, delete me, but STOP deleting me because you are pissed off at some one we both know, especially when I am not even involved. I do not pick sides, and for the most part could care less what you two are fighting about. That is between the two of you, not me. I understand Friend A and Friend B have issues with each other, and I am sorry you are having problems. That is all ya'll though.

Also, do not expect me to choose a side. It is not going to happen. I am not going to slam Friend A just because Friend B has a problem with them, or vice versa. The problem the two of you have is, again, between the two of you. I am also not going to unfriend someone just because you have a problem with the other one. ( No one has asked me to this, I am just throwing that out there. )

I have had people get pissed at me, so they got rid of me, and they also got rid of mutual friends we had, simply because they were associated with me. That is really unfair. Sure, they might be my friend, and they might even be a close or a best friend of mine. That's just it though. They are my friends, not my minions. They have mind's and opinion's of their own. They are their own person. They are not an extension of me. They are not my clone. They are each unique individuals, and for you to toss them away just because they know me is a really shitty thing to do. It is a shitty thing to do to anyone.

So if you have a problem with someone, unless that person's friends are directly involved, stop throwing people away simply because they know the person you are pissed at. If they stay out of the fray, if they have not one thing to do with the situation, then there is no reason to punish the mutual friend. You could miss out on a really great person, and a really great friend by doing this.

( As a side: Yes this post was prompted by a squabble between friends tonight. No I am not upset at either party, and no I am not going to choose sides, that is just not the kind of person I am. I will be happy to listen to you vent, but it is my choice of who I want to associate with. Nor will I act as a go between, or do the he said/she said crap and try to stir up crap. I care that my friends are upset, but I do NOT care about the REASON, because it is  none of my business and has nothing to do with ME. No, no one has asked me to do any of these things, but in case any one ever tries to, my thoughts are written out here, so there is no confusion.)

So, do me a favor folks. If we have mutual friends, and you get pissed at one of them and decide to not be their friend anymore, leave me out of it. I want no part of it, and please do not throw my friendship away just because I know someone you do not like. Also, try not to do that to any one else either. It really IS a shitty thing to do.

Peace out!

All tricks, no treat.

So it seems every time I commit myself to these blog events ( like NaBloWriMo, 30 days of truth, etc ) something major happens and I am unable to write as I should...so I do not think I will "officially" do them anymore, I will just write and maybe it will all work out.

Yes, I have been gone for a few days again, but for good ( well, bad ) reason. My oldest friend, 27 years of friendship, was rocked to the core a couple of days ago. My 33 year old best friend J went to bed one night, and when she woke up the next morning, she had lost 15 to 20 years of her memory. She woke up and knew her husband, but did not know where she was, who her children were, her sibling in laws, her nieces and nephews, none of them. Any friends she made over the last 15 years, gone. Her church, which she was very active in, gone. Poof. I have been thanking the stars that I have been here for 27 years, because she remembers me, but to her, it is 1997-98 and I just recently had my oldest daughter. ( Who is now just a couple of months shy of 15 )

She had been diagnosed with pneumonia and pleurisy the day or two before, and they put her on a pain med and Ambien at night. A 10 mg Ambien. She weighs like 95 pounds, and is only 4 feet 10 inches tall. She is tiny. My Mother, who is about 180, only takes TWO mg. SO 10 is much to much for someone J's size. Anyway, she did not lose herself, I mean she knows who she is, her parents, her siblings, her husband and anyone who was in her life back then. Just no one or any events from the last 15 to 20 years. Her husband took her to the doc and they thought it might be a combo of fibro fog and the mega dose of Ambien, and since she was lucid, functional and still had her faculties about her she was sent home to basically ride out the meds.

Late that night she woke up in severe pain and thought she was having a stroke. So she and her husband went to the hospital, where she had CT scans of her head and the whole nine yards done. Her brain is fine. No stroke, no tumors, no aneurisms, nothing like that. Her bloodwork came back fine. So they diagnosed her with Retrograde Amnesia, which basically means they have no clue why her mind went on a vacation, and the mother of all migraines, which they gave her a shot for. They told her it is most likely temporary, but to be prepared because there was also a chance it might never come back.

I have been on the phone for two days straight. Back to back calls, callers beeping in while I was already on a call, it was bedlam. No one had any concrete information and we were all going nuts. I finally got to talk to her myself on the second day, she called me ( thank goodness for cell phone phone books lol ) and it was all I could do at first to keep it together. I was so terrified she would call and say " I am sorry, I do not remember you.." I would have died a thousand deaths had that happened. I spent an hour basically trying to give her the readers digest version of MY life over the last 15 years and I thought to myself as it was happening " Jeez...having to explain this to what is essentially a stranger as far as my life goes makes me sound so horrible...she is going to ask herself why in the hell was she even friends with me" and it scared me because she was right there through 98% of it, she understood...so now, she did NOT understand and I must have seemed like a friggen train wreck to her. Which, I guess, for a while I was...but she does not even remember how pivotal she was in my life for so many years. I mean she helped me when I bottomed out on cocaine, she and I lived together for a while, we were pregnant together ( her first and my second ) and so many other battles and victories, and she remembers none of it. I shudder at the thought of what she must think of me.

On the upside, she is exactly as she was before life got stressful for her..which makes ME think that her illness combined with the meds and the stress she was under ( she home schools her three kids, 12, 10, and 6, very active in church, she is the glue for her family, which included all her siblings and parents and in laws and nieces and nephews ) just made her mind say " Okay, time for a little break, lets go back and party like its 1999 " Prince sang about it, but she actually did it lol. It has been, for me, AWESOME to talk to her over the last few days. She is back for lack of a better term. SO much has happened in just her life over the last decade, things that changed her, and now, to see her quiet calmness, that FIRE back in her voice and words...I actually felt the need to apologize to her last night because I knew I sounded almost gleeful that this happened..and of course I was not, I am devastated that it happened, but since I could not change what happened, I was loving what I was hearing. She was not so jaded and cynical and waiting for the other shoe to drop ( which is a feeling you all know I can relate to ) she was almost vibrant and strong willed and ready to kick some ass and get things back to the way they should be, even though she could not remember why they got so bad in the first place. I do not know whether to laugh or cry when I talk to her lol. I am certainly not sad, since she does remember me, but I am heartbroken for her kids and nieces and nephews that she does not remember. I can't even imagine how they must feel, and my heart goes out for J as well, because she has to watch all these little people she loved, three of which she gave birth to, and knowing intellectually and in her heart there is a connection, but she can not remember it. Not to mention those friends she does NOT remember, such as P, whom I talked to for quite some time last night. In all the ruckus and being on the phone all the time, I forgot to let a few of our mutual friends we have made over the last decade or so know and so I have been doing that. P to her is sort of like a male version of me, he is also her best friend, in a different way because their history is different than the one she and I have. He was stunned to say the least and was doing his best to wrap his mind around it.

It has been so surreal.

I do not know if she will come out of it or not, but I am hoping and praying she does...and if any of you wonderful people wanted to add your prayer, healing, candles and energy to the mix, we would all be eternally grateful. I will tell you a secret though. I am praying for her full memory to come back, but I am also praying that when she does get it back, she keeps that fire that has been long absent from her mind.

So that, in a very small nutshell, is what I have been doing over the last few days. There is more things happening in the background of my own life, but none of those are anything major, just day to day stuff.

So until next time, keep my friend J in your heart and mind, as well as her family. It is much appreciated.

I leave you with a pic of the beautiful sister of my heart:

Minor annoyances...

Man I keep dropping the ball on this post every day thing lol. It does not help that it just so happened to fall during an unusually busy time for me. With Perth here, me getting back on my feet, Alex's birthday, the cancer walk coming up, and a zillion little day to day things, I just flat out forget about it. Friends seem to be in crisis, family needing me, things going on with Alex's school, me not feeling well...it has just been non stop. I fall into bed at night and think " Aw shit, I forgot to post today!"

It is just a very chaotic time for me right now. Not bad stuff usually, just busy. Today for instance I have a meeting with Alex's teacher at 10 this morning which is stressing me out a bit, then it is off to the library to get Perth a library card. I am trying to power read a book, The Help ( the book the movie is based on ) so I can give it back to my Mom so she can loan it out again, she has a waiting list for it. It is a great book and I spent a good chunk of time relaxing on the couch, it was needed.


I have some minor irritations going on at the same time as well, so that is not helping. Friends say they feel like I do not talk to them anymore, but when that person is hardly ever online to chat or email, what am I supposed to do? I hate phone calls, I do not like being tied down to one spot, although since I got a new house phone I can hear better so maybe that will help. I do not hear so well anymore, so I am self conscious about it and disliking talking on the phone is now a physical thing instead of just a mental one. Or, the mental issue stemmed from the beginning stages of the physical one, I do not know. Plus, these people never reach out to me much, I always have to go to them, so if they really wanted to talk to me, then how hard is it to send an email? I hate to sound unreasonable but damn, I am only one person. That street goes both ways! I can not magically make you appear online and actually sign in to yahoo or g talk or email, whatever we normally use to communicate, so don't get all up in arms that we do not talk like we used to. Not to mention these people are always busy too. I do not know, I just feel that it is unfair, and it bugs me.

Aside from the phone thing, I dislike having to look after other adults. I am not an alarm clock or a personal assistant or a reminder service. Alex is one thing, she is 7. If I did not give birth to you, I do not want to have to look after you too, unless you are ill or something, when you are fully capable of taking care of yourself. That is all I am going to say about that.

I probably sound selfish and whatnot but sometimes people are just unreasonable and it is a bit more than I can handle right now. I am still healing, still struggling with day to day things and I just do not have the energy to deal with other people's drama right now. Especially the ones who bring it on themselves. I will listen and read until my ears and eyes fall off, but I hate it when  I finally want to talk to someone about MY problems for a change and they twist it around until it is all about them. Or, the ones who vent to you constantly but never even ask how I might be doing. It is common courtesy!

*Sighs*

Sorry, I just had to get that out. I love all my friends very much but this is a busy and difficult time for me, and all I am asking for is a little understanding. I am not my normal self right now and will not be for some time. If you want to talk to me, then let me know, send me an email or something so I KNOW you want to talk to me. I am not a mind reader and if I do not hear from you, then I assume you are to busy or ill or whatever, and do not feel like talking, and you will let me know when you are ready again. I do not feel bad about it, life happens and there is no point in getting upset. I learned that lesson myself.


Sorry this is not a happy go lucky post, but even the most happy of people have bad days once in a while. I do not want to give the impression I do not care or do not want to talk to people, I just want the people in my life to realize things are a bit hectic for me and hard at times. I was here constantly before I got hurt and only three people talked to me regularly. Now that I am not here so much, suddenly everyone wants to talk and I get shit for it. Pfft. It irritates me! I had to wait for them to find time in their busy lives to talk to me and did not say anything about it, well damn it now you can work around me or you can just not talk to me. End of story.

Now please excuse me while I get another hectic day started.

Birthday Girls and pink bras.

I missed a day..or was it two? I know, I know, but it has been bat shit crazy here since Thursday. Alex's 7th birthday was Saturday and there has been a lot of preparation going on for that. Normally my Mom handles birthday festivities, as much of a cop out that is, but this year she is having a few health problems that prevented her from making one of her awesome birthday cakes and other things she usually does. I SUCK at party planning, especially birthday parties. Perth and I ran all over town Thursday and Friday, running errands and shopping for gifts and party supplies, ordering the cake, and so on and so forth. I ran into my sister at Wal-Mart Friday and invited her, not expecting her to show as we are not close, but to my surprise and happiness she did.

I did not invite Alex's class to her party, as most moms might do ( Is that a normal thing? Seriously, I suck at this..) but since my house is the size of a postage stamp we always have parties at Mom's and I did not want to drag 15 screaming 6 and 7 year old kids into her house lol. Not to mention other people's kids usually irritate the crap out of me but I digress. 

Saturday, the day of the party, we got up and got ready to go. Here is a pic of the birthday girl:

Then we headed to the store to pick up the cake. Yes, I suck at baking unless it is bread and my cake decorating skills are less than stellar.

The cake slid in the box and messed up the front left corner but it was still cute and tasted great.

Mom made Alex's favorite meal, potato soup and grilled ham and cheese and grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Never tried a grilled PB&J? Try it. It's awesome.

Next it was time to light the candles and sing Happy Birthday. Alex always acts weird when we sing to her.

The guy in the wolf shirt is Perth, and the guy in the background is my oldest daughters boyfriend Carl.

Cake all lit up:

The dude in the background is Jack lol...

After cake it was time for presents!

That is my Dad on the left and my eldest daughter wearing Jack's hat on the right.

That is Perth and my Mom in the pic above.

Pic above is my son Mike...


I took like 100 pics but I am not going to make you load all of them so here are a few more.

Perth again in the pic above...

I love that pic above of my son...

Alex, Mariah and her boyfriend Carl in the pic above...

Perth and Alex above...

My fluffy self from behind and my Mom cutting the cake above...yes my hair is red and black, I dyed my hair with Perth's leftover black on the bottom lol...

My great niece Brooklyn in the above pic. Not only did my sister show up bringing her two granddaughters, ( my great nieces ) her son Tyler, my youngest nephew, came and brought his wife and their son, my great nephew, Tristan. Alex was so happy!

Tristan above, with Brooklyn...

Sarah, Tristan's Mama on the left, Tristan in the doorway and Jade, my step-niece, on the right, playing catch with a balloon..


That sums up the pics for this post, I might post more in a later post.

 It was a really fun day. Alex really enjoyed playing with her little cousins and I was really happy my sister and nephew showed up. Food was great, Alex got a lot of great gifts, and she got to spend the night with her siblings and her Grandma and Papa. I served everyone everything and helped clean up, it was so nice to be at my parent's house and not be in a wheelchair or on crutches! I loved my daughter's boyfriend, it was the first time I got to meet him in person. He was so sweet and respectful and a lot of fun!

I was really nervous since this was the first time I took care of 95% of the party details, and it went off without a hitch and a lot of fun was had. It was a busy weekend!

Now on to the pink bra part of the post lol. I am so excited because next Sunday, the 23rd, Jack, Perth, hopefully my two older kids, Alex, and myself are going to be participating in a 5k walk for breast cancer. I have wanted to do this for ever, and this year the cab company that Jack is a mechanic for is a sponsoring team, so we are all going to walk with the boss Jack likes and is friends with and some of this co-workers, and Jack even gets to be in the parade. The cab company is running a special cab for the month of October, which is a pink cab with the breast cancer logo on it, really cute. Our team is called Breast Friendz and I am so excited to do this I can hardly stand it. You can go here and check out our team page and see the car, and if you wanted to donate a bit towards this great cause, it would be most appreciated. Check out the Breast Friendz Page!

So that sums up where I have been for the last couple of days and why I have been scarce. Lots of fun going on these days, and I am loving it!

Hope you all have a great week!