Thursday, December 06, 2012

One of the hardest posts I will ever write...

This is not an easy post for me. I have a very hard time admitting defeat, showing weakness, and asking for help.

The hard truth is, we are drowning. There is not enough money to survive anymore. Our truck insurance has lapsed. The light bill is due, and we can not pay it. Our internet and phone are about to be shut off, which seems trivial, but it is actually a big deal. The phone is needed due to Jack needing to be in constant contact with his doctors and the insurance companies, as well as the lawyers and physical therapist people. The internet is needed for me, due to my increasing ability to not be able to talk out loud very often. I have not shared this with many people, because I do not want people to pity me...but my doctors think I have early onset of Parkinson's Disease. My muscle tremors are increasingly grip is all but gone....and even in just the last few weeks, trying to talk out loud is mortifying and embarrassing and makes me sound like I have a severe stutter. When I do talk, I talk very slowly and sound like I have mental difficulties, which I do not, yet. I do have moments where my brain kind of pauses...kind of like walking into a room and forgetting why you went in there? I have moments like that, sometimes in the middle of what I am doing. Like cooking for instance. I can be making dinner and will just stand in front my stove, staring at it, wondering what I was about to do. It sucks. I can not afford the two thousand dollar neurological tests they want to do on me, nor can I afford the medicine they want me to take to try to help. So I just have to deal with it. It also means that I can not work outside the home. I cannot stand up for long periods of time, and with the loss of my fine motor skills, I can not do things like grab change from a cash register to hand to people, or make food in a hurry as in fast food places, or do hard labor as I have no muscle strength anymore. You should see me try to put ice in a glass from the ice bin. More of it ends up in the floor than the glass. I have to have my 8 year old open things for me, because my hands do not work. The only thing I can do with no problem it seems is type. Although on "bad hand days" as I call them ( when my hands are weak and tired and shake a lot ) my spelling is atrocious. I feel trapped in my body most days. My mind is still 98% sharp ( aside from those duh moments of forgetfulness ) and my body is failing me. I am only 33 and I have already been through cervical cancer, POEMS syndrome and now this.

Jack is not getting better. I have been silent about him due to legal reasons, but the truth is, he is getting worse. The second surgery did no good. It takes him 2 to 3 hours in the morning just to stand up 80% straight. He walks around bent almost double most of the time. His right leg goes out often, causing him to fall or stumble. He is in pain all the time. No meds help him. PT is not helping him. He is depressed and feeling worthless because we do not have enough money for our bills. He told me today that since the phone and net were going to be shut off, that he would just lie to his doctor and say he was fine so he could go back to work and get a little more money. I freaked out and told him he better not, because if he could not even walk across the house upright, how in the hell is he going to work on engines. He said " We do not have enough for bills. We do not have enough for the food we need. We can not even buy the kids any Christmas/Yule presents. Do you know how worthless that makes me feel, that I can not even buy my kid a gift? Or keep my wife in communication with the world the only way she CAN be in communication with the world these days? Or even talk to my own doctors because I can't pay the effin phone bill?"

I cried.

The internet is also needed for the kids homework. There are times even I have to look up an answer to their problems and figure how to explain it to them. They are doing things in elementary school that I did not do until well into high school. Not to mention the countless forms I have to download and print, or scan and email, to send to doctors and lawyers. One of my friends thankfully bought me ink for my printer a month or so ago, as I had run out and that is over 30 bucks right by itself.

I get assistance for food each month, but it is a paltry amount and does not last us two weeks much less a full month. I am a very frugal shopper, I buy in bulk and I buy generic. We do not eat fancy at all, but the cost of everything rises while the money stays the same.

The light bill came today. $323.67 I cried. It always goes up in the winter, but this year we have not raised it above 65, because the heat costs so much, and we have been wearing layers of clothes in the house to keep warm. Alex is tiny, she is always cold. Jack and I are not tiny, but we are chilly too. Our rent is due Monday, and we only have a little over half of it. We have no  money to buy gifts for the holidays.I know that is not super important...but to an 8 year is crushing.

I am at my wits end, and so is Jack. Everything is so hopeless, bad things keep happening. There just is not enough to give us what we need, and we just can't do it alone anymore. I have never been the type to ask for help, because in my opinion, there are so many people more deserving, and we have always scraped by. We did not have a lot, but we had enough. Now, there is not enough. I have little contact with my family, and the ones that I do talk to, plus my friends, are in just as bad of a situation as we are, and are unable to help. So i am doing something I never thought I would ever have to do. I am turning to outsiders, to see if there is any help to be had. I have tried all the programs there are available to us, and the ironic part is, Jack makes too much money to be considered...yet that does not change the fact there is not enough. We do not have cable, or fancy cars, or a huge house, or a bunch of debt and frivolous things...that is not who we are. But this is the first time we have not been able to have basic needs met, like enough food, shelter, and ways to communicate with the outside world. We are the types that when the food gets low, Jack and I stop eating until we have to eat, to make sure Alex has enough. we have to make meticulous plans about where go, due to not being able to afford gas. We only leave the house when we absolutely have to go somewhere, but now that there is no insurance on  the truck, we go nowhere...which sucks because jack has to go to physical therapy twice a week. If he does NOT go to the PT appointments, then they will stop paying him.

Everything seems to always be going wrong. We can not keep our heads above water anymore.

So I am trying to stop thinking everyone else needs more help than I do, and I am asking for help from my readers, if there is any to be had. I know that times are tough for everyone, and the holidays are upon us...but maybe someone has something to spare to help keep us afloat for a little while. It takes everything I have to ask this, as it goes against my entire way of thinking....but I do not know what else to do. I have exhausted every other available option. So I put pay pal donation buttons up there in the right hand corner of my blog. One button for US Dollars, one for Canadian Dollars, and my paypal email for those outside of the US and Canada. If there is anything you can spare, even if it is a dollar or two, will you please consider donating it to me and my family? There is no end to the amount of thankfulness and appreciation you would have from Jack, myself, and my babygirl.

I hope you all will not think less of me for this...but I just do not know what else to do....

Thank you  for taking the time to read this, and if you would share my story with others, maybe someone, somewhere, can help us.

Much love to you all.

P.S. I have created a Give Forward fundraiser for if you do not have a pay pal or have some other issue, you can go HERE and donate that way. However, I prefer PayPal as I can get the funds much sooner. Please share this post and that link if you would...maybe we can get the help we desperately need.

(  Pic is from October 2011, back when all I had to worry about was a broken ankle)


Nar said...

Do you mind if I share this through facebook?

Anonymous said...

Sending you all the positive energy and love for this holiday season as well as the New Year. Good things will come your way I am sure of it.

Anonymous said...

Bella, my dear friend this just breaks my heart <3 i love you and am praying for you all . If you ever need anything and i mean anything you know where you can find me