Somewhere I belong...

I am struggling again.

I am sure the stress of the last two weeks has played a huge part in that. The constant running around, the constant phone calls, ( we all  know how I feel about the phone ) Jack being so ill and away from us. I fully understand all those things have affected me.

There is more to it.

I have been in hermit mode the last few days. I have not wanted to really speak to anyone, or do anything. I needed some down time. Certain  people are not understanding or accepting of my Summer schedule. I am a night owl at heart, and all school year long  we are up very early in the morning and go to bed around ten at night. In the Summer, we get to flip around. Alex and I both rather be up at night and sleep during the day. Unless we have appointments to keep, that is what we will do...but other people do not like that much. They do not understand it, it is not what they do, so they scoff at it, or make snide remarks. It bugs me. I am 34 years old, full grown, and at this time in my life, I do not have set schedule that I HAVE to follow, nor do I until August rolls around. No one here has any problems with it. Jack does not mind, and he  is slowly swapping around to our schedule. He has no set time to do ANYTHING, so he can sleep and be awake whenever he pleases. It actually saves us money for Alex and I to be up at night. The cost of electricity is much cheaper at night, while during the day, "peak hours" cost more. Our light bill actually dropped since we flipped around. So for us, it works out much better to have this schedule. Why others have issues with it is beyond me.

The other issue is that I have been feeling very out of place. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I try to be friends with people...and I  suddenly feel very awkward...like I am the butt of a silent joke that everyone is aware of except me. I feel alone and different. On the outside looking in. If I throw myself out there, I get shut down, or worse, I feel like I am being tolerated. I hate that. I much rather someone come right out and say "Look, I really do not like you, we have nothing in common, and I am only nice to you because I either feel sorry for you, or because you are friends with someone I care about. You and me? Not so much. " I can deal with that. I can RESPECT that. I just hate feeling like I am the person that everyone tolerates in order to not seem rude.

I only have ONE person that I do not feel that way with. Out of the many people I have semi-often to often interactions with, I only have ONE that I am 100% comfortable with, and who I know will tell me in a heart beat that I am being an ass, or unreasonable, or that when she says she loves me, I know she 100% means it. Our lives are so similar and parallel that she is the one person who gets it, and I know I am that person for her too. She is priceless to me, and I would be totally lost without her.

( There are  a couple of others that I know are sincere and  do show it, this is not about them. )

It sucks though. I have others in  my life who say they feel the same, they care, they are here anytime...but I do not see it from them. I do not feel it from them. Now, I fully understand that I have a mental illness. Being bipolar means that we view the world a little differently, and that view is not always rational. I know that sometimes, the problem is simply me, it is in my own mind. However, I have been dealing with this long enough to recognize when I am being mental and unreasonable, and when there is actually something going on behind the scenes. I can't shake the feeling that something is not right in Whoville. It hurts. It hurts because I do not feel comfortable in going to these people and point blank asking them what the deal is. I am scared that the problem  is all in my head, and asking them or mentioning it to them will only serve to make me that much more of an outsider. I hate  feeling this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Not the good kind of freak.

I feel very alone.

Sometimes I need to be alone, I am an introvert after all.  This feeling of loneliness is much deeper. I feel lonely in my soul. I don't like it.

I have been cycling more rapidly these days...but instead of going from super low to super high and back again, I have been cycling from low to really low and back again. The upswing is not  actually UP, there is no happy part...just a slightly less intense low. I have a call in to my doctor for next week...I am waiting to hear back for an appointment to discuss changing my meds. I am involved in phone therapy, which is both a blessing ( because we do not have the gas money to make three trips into town a week to see the doctor physically ) and a curse, because I dislike the phone so intensely.

I just feel really lost and alone, and nothing I am doing is working to bring me out of it.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of making it worse, and I will end up even more alone. I am afraid that if I do not say anything, nothing will change and I will still be the butt of the joke, and alone. I am afraid that it is all in my head, even though I KNOW deep down that this time, there is something going on to make me  feel this way.

I do not like feeling like the crazy person everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I do not like feeling like there is a lot of whispering going on behind my back. I don't like feeling that people view me as some high maintenance "friend" that everyone has to constantly deal with.

I have been trying to be kind to myself. I realize the anniversary of my Dad passing, Jack getting sick, having to deal with Dad not being here for Father's Day, Jack not being here for Father's Day, Jack losing his doctor, ( he is moving his practice somewhere else in Florida ) the mediation for settlement coming up...I realize all those things are affecting me, and I have been trying to be really kind to myself. I sleep when I feel the need to, I eat right ( we ALWAYS eat right though, I am not one of those that cram all manner of crap in my face and then complain about how crappy I feel. I don't care what you eat, as long as you enjoy it...but we enjoy eating good and wholesome foods. ) and have been adding more natural vitamins and stuff to my diet, trying to combat the lows and being tired. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with Alex, laughing and being silly with her. Aside from Jack being a bit grumpy due to pain, things are great between he and I. I have been playing games with Alex, cooking us yummy food, being silly, relaxing and resting. I am doing things I usually enjoy. I still feel terribly empty and alone though. I do not know what else to do to fix it. I am not sure if I can fix it. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor about what my diagnosis is for all my testing. I am pretty sure the answer will be  that I have MS, so I have been trying to prepare myself for that, and what it will mean for me and my family.  I am lucky that I have a rock solid person in my life, the one I mentioned earlier, who is well versed in all things involving MS...so I will have her to help me. It is still very scary though.

 I have also been feeling like a selfish ass. It is not like I am the only person with problems. My friends all have their own lives. They have health problems, money problems, mental problems, life problems. Everyone is going through their own version of life, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I hate even talking about my own issues, because so many people out there have it worse, or have their own stuff to deal with. But as a friend told me once, just because other people have it worse, or have their own stuff going on, that does not mean what I am going though is not important, or that my feelings are not valid. I just hate to dump all my shit on someone else when they are going through their own stuff. It makes me feel like my own problems are so petty and unimportant. Even though to me the problems are massive and important, I know that to others, it is very low on the scale of things that constitute a major issue.

What do I do about it? Who do I turn to when I feel like people do not even want to talk to me, and because of my issues, I cannot even accurately judge if that is true, that they do NOT want to talk to me...or am I just being a head case and jumping at shadows? How do I combat the feelings of being alone when I am to unsure of myself to talk to anyone?

I am asking for help, but I am admitting that I do not know what kind of help I need. I don't want to be that one person that everyone just deals with, and rolls their eyes when they read stuff like this and think, " Everyone get ready, Bella has lost her mind again. Here we go with the bullshit!" I am asking for some honestly and clarity. I am asking that the people who are in my life to stay because they actually want me in their  life, and if they are just going through the motions or tolerating me, I ask that those people tell me that, so we can part ways and move on so they no longer have to deal with me, and I no longer have to worry about if they really want to be there or not.

I am asking, for those that stay, to forgive me for any weirdness, for my struggling, for not being totally sane and level all the time. I am asking for understanding, because I am just trying to figure this shit out as I go, just like everyone else. I am asking for those in my life to tell me what THEY need from me...because I want to be there for all of you. I do not want it to be about me all the time. I will give people the shirt off my back if it will help. Just know that sometimes things go sideways in my brain, and I need a little something extra every now and then. Tomorrow I might be on top of the world, and the next day I might be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I no longer have to go through this.

It is hard, and I try very hard to not let this define me, but the honest truth is, this IS a part of who I am. Glossing over it or sweeping it under the rug does no good. It means I am not being honest with myself, and it means that I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not to my friends and people I care about. I rather have one single person who truly wants to be around me than 30 people who just tolerate me because they are nice people. That may be too much to ask, but I do not really think it is. We all deserve honesty.

I think this will end my rambling tonight. If you are still reading, thank you. I know these things are not a fun read, and people probably get tired of hearing it,  but if I do not get it out, then it festers and turns into something even uglier than what it already is.

I care about all of you, and I hope that you stick around as I try to navigate the sometimes rough waters of life. I appreciate you all.

One of the hardest posts I will ever write...

This is not an easy post for me. I have a very hard time admitting defeat, showing weakness, and asking for help.

The hard truth is, we are drowning. There is not enough money to survive anymore. Our truck insurance has lapsed. The light bill is due, and we can not pay it. Our internet and phone are about to be shut off, which seems trivial, but it is actually a big deal. The phone is needed due to Jack needing to be in constant contact with his doctors and the insurance companies, as well as the lawyers and physical therapist people. The internet is needed for me, due to my increasing ability to not be able to talk out loud very often. I have not shared this with many people, because I do not want people to pity me...but my doctors think I have early onset of Parkinson's Disease. My muscle tremors are increasingly worse....my grip is all but gone....and even in just the last few weeks, trying to talk out loud is mortifying and embarrassing and makes me sound like I have a severe stutter. When I do talk, I talk very slowly and sound like I have mental difficulties, which I do not, yet. I do have moments where my brain kind of pauses...kind of like walking into a room and forgetting why you went in there? I have moments like that, sometimes in the middle of what I am doing. Like cooking for instance. I can be making dinner and will just stand in front my stove, staring at it, wondering what I was about to do. It sucks. I can not afford the two thousand dollar neurological tests they want to do on me, nor can I afford the medicine they want me to take to try to help. So I just have to deal with it. It also means that I can not work outside the home. I cannot stand up for long periods of time, and with the loss of my fine motor skills, I can not do things like grab change from a cash register to hand to people, or make food in a hurry as in fast food places, or do hard labor as I have no muscle strength anymore. You should see me try to put ice in a glass from the ice bin. More of it ends up in the floor than the glass. I have to have my 8 year old open things for me, because my hands do not work. The only thing I can do with no problem it seems is type. Although on "bad hand days" as I call them ( when my hands are weak and tired and shake a lot ) my spelling is atrocious. I feel trapped in my body most days. My mind is still 98% sharp ( aside from those duh moments of forgetfulness ) and my body is failing me. I am only 33 and I have already been through cervical cancer, POEMS syndrome and now this.

Jack is not getting better. I have been silent about him due to legal reasons, but the truth is, he is getting worse. The second surgery did no good. It takes him 2 to 3 hours in the morning just to stand up 80% straight. He walks around bent almost double most of the time. His right leg goes out often, causing him to fall or stumble. He is in pain all the time. No meds help him. PT is not helping him. He is depressed and feeling worthless because we do not have enough money for our bills. He told me today that since the phone and net were going to be shut off, that he would just lie to his doctor and say he was fine so he could go back to work and get a little more money. I freaked out and told him he better not, because if he could not even walk across the house upright, how in the hell is he going to work on engines. He said " We do not have enough for bills. We do not have enough for the food we need. We can not even buy the kids any Christmas/Yule presents. Do you know how worthless that makes me feel, that I can not even buy my kid a gift? Or keep my wife in communication with the world the only way she CAN be in communication with the world these days? Or even talk to my own doctors because I can't pay the effin phone bill?"

I cried.

The internet is also needed for the kids homework. There are times even I have to look up an answer to their problems and figure how to explain it to them. They are doing things in elementary school that I did not do until well into high school. Not to mention the countless forms I have to download and print, or scan and email, to send to doctors and lawyers. One of my friends thankfully bought me ink for my printer a month or so ago, as I had run out and that is over 30 bucks right by itself.

I get assistance for food each month, but it is a paltry amount and does not last us two weeks much less a full month. I am a very frugal shopper, I buy in bulk and I buy generic. We do not eat fancy at all, but the cost of everything rises while the money stays the same.

The light bill came today. $323.67 I cried. It always goes up in the winter, but this year we have not raised it above 65, because the heat costs so much, and we have been wearing layers of clothes in the house to keep warm. Alex is tiny, she is always cold. Jack and I are not tiny, but we are chilly too. Our rent is due Monday, and we only have a little over half of it. We have no  money to buy gifts for the holidays.I know that is not super important...but to an 8 year old...it is crushing.

I am at my wits end, and so is Jack. Everything is so hopeless, bad things keep happening. There just is not enough to give us what we need, and we just can't do it alone anymore. I have never been the type to ask for help, because in my opinion, there are so many people more deserving, and we have always scraped by. We did not have a lot, but we had enough. Now, there is not enough. I have little contact with my family, and the ones that I do talk to, plus my friends, are in just as bad of a situation as we are, and are unable to help. So i am doing something I never thought I would ever have to do. I am turning to outsiders, to see if there is any help to be had. I have tried all the programs there are available to us, and the ironic part is, Jack makes too much money to be considered...yet that does not change the fact there is not enough. We do not have cable, or fancy cars, or a huge house, or a bunch of debt and frivolous things...that is not who we are. But this is the first time we have not been able to have basic needs met, like enough food, shelter, and ways to communicate with the outside world. We are the types that when the food gets low, Jack and I stop eating until we have to eat, to make sure Alex has enough. we have to make meticulous plans about where go, due to not being able to afford gas. We only leave the house when we absolutely have to go somewhere, but now that there is no insurance on  the truck, we go nowhere...which sucks because jack has to go to physical therapy twice a week. If he does NOT go to the PT appointments, then they will stop paying him.

Everything seems to always be going wrong. We can not keep our heads above water anymore.

So I am trying to stop thinking everyone else needs more help than I do, and I am asking for help from my readers, if there is any to be had. I know that times are tough for everyone, and the holidays are upon us...but maybe someone has something to spare to help keep us afloat for a little while. It takes everything I have to ask this, as it goes against my entire way of thinking....but I do not know what else to do. I have exhausted every other available option. So I put pay pal donation buttons up there in the right hand corner of my blog. One button for US Dollars, one for Canadian Dollars, and my paypal email for those outside of the US and Canada. If there is anything you can spare, even if it is a dollar or two, will you please consider donating it to me and my family? There is no end to the amount of thankfulness and appreciation you would have from Jack, myself, and my babygirl.

I hope you all will not think less of me for this...but I just do not know what else to do....

Thank you  for taking the time to read this, and if you would share my story with others, maybe someone, somewhere, can help us.

Much love to you all.

P.S. I have created a Give Forward fundraiser for us....so if you do not have a pay pal or have some other issue, you can go HERE and donate that way. However, I prefer PayPal as I can get the funds much sooner. Please share this post and that link if you would...maybe we can get the help we desperately need.

(  Pic is from October 2011, back when all I had to worry about was a broken ankle)

Everyone but me...

I seem to have a bad habit. One that I really want to get rid of, but I am having a hard time. My bad habit is that I seem to be able to be nice to everyone but me.

I will give the shirt off my back to anyone who needs it. I will help someone out in any way I can, even to the detriment of myself.

However, when it comes to being nice to myself, being giving to myself, I fall very short.

I am lucky enough to live a somewhat life of leisure. We are not rich, or even comfortable half the time, but I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mom. Sure, our situation would be improved if I DID work, but I do not HAVE to work right now. Child care expenses, having only one vehicle, and the cost of gas make it cheaper for me to stay home than to try to work, especially in a town where there is not a lot of jobs to be had. Not to mention I have physical limitations, but I digress. The point is, I have a lot of time here at home, and one can only cook and clean so much, meaning I have a lot of "free time" if you will.

The problem is, I have a hard time doing anything for myself. I feel guilty if I am not doing something "domestic," or I sit here at the computer, able to jump up at a moments notice and be able to go do something. I have over 700 books on my tablet to read, but I never take the time out for myself to actually read them. I never fix food or drink in a special capacity, because it will mean I have to make some for everyone. I am not trying to be selfish, it is just if I want a cup of tea, I do not want to start on it and then have to make a pot of coffee for Jack or who the hell knows WHAT for Alex, since no one in the house can eat or drink anything with out her having to be involved somehow. I can not be alone at all. If I go in my room to read or try to play a game on the PS2, I have to have an audience to "see what I am doing." Hell, I can not even fold LAUNDRY without an audience. Gods knows THAT is fun and exciting and not to be missed! Sure, I have a daughter who despises and refuses to be alone unless she is asleep, and a husband who apparently needs to be near me most of the time, and those two things cause issues at times, but even when I have the freedom to do what ever I want, I do not do it. While Alex is school I could read or listen to music or play a game or something, but I don't. I sit here at the computer, even though there is no one to talk to most of the time, and nothing online catching my interest, but somehow it is the only thing I can "justify" doing for myself. Wasting time online.

If I want to curl up with a book or play a game, I start and then I am overcome with such a HUGE feeling of guilt, like I am doing something wrong. I was very sick a couple of weeks ago, running between 102 to 103 fever, and I was so sick I HAD to spend the later part of the afternoon and evening in bed. I went to bed about 6 that night, and since I was not sleepy, I just needed to lay down, I had the TV on and I was reading on my tablet...and I felt awful about it. Like I was slacking off or something. The next day, even though I still felt like I was dying, I got up and cleaned the house like a madwoman, as if to make up for my being so lazy the day before. No one else makes me feel this way. Jack certainly does not care if I read or entertain myself, so it is not like I have other people to make me feel bad. I do it all to myself. For no good reason. Do I feel so guilty for choices I made as a teen and young adult that I am somehow still punishing myself 15 years later? Does the voice of my Father echo in my head? The voice that told me I was not good enough, I made stupid mistakes, I was lazy and stupid? ( That was a long time ago and for the most part my Father is no longer like that, but for most of my life he was, and it did a number on me.) I do not know. All I know is that I can never let go, never relax or do things for myself with out that horrible sense of guilt. It sucks. I stay stressed out, even when nothing else is going on that causes stress. I get chest pains, anxiety attacks. I snap at Jack and Alex, when it is not their fault.

When something good happens to me, I never get excited...because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always waiting for the next thing that will come along and knock me off my feet. I always get back up, but I sure am tired of having to dust myself off. I want to relish happiness. I want to enjoy things. Good things DO happen to me, nothing huge, but lots of little things, and I take almost no joy in it. I won a 165 dollar Epiphanie camera bag in a contest last week, and I was thrilled...for about 5 minutes. Then it was " Better not get TO excited, or something will happen to mess it up." I sabotage myself. I KNOW I do, but I have no idea how to NOT to that to myself. The funny part is, I am not a miserable person, I consider myself blessed and pretty fortunate most of the time, even though my life is and has not been a walk in the park. So why my mind does this to me is a mystery.

I do not know how to be kind to myself. I feel something is trapped inside of me. Something huge, just waiting to burst out of the confinement it has been trapped in. I have no clue what it is. No clue how to let it out. I have a hard time telling people no. I try to always make myself available, even when I do not want to. When I write, I rather be totally alone, letting the words flow...but I never do that. I have my yahoo open so two of my best friends that I talk to there can always reach me, even when I KNOW they would be 200% understanding if I said, " Hey, I am writing, let me catch you when I am done," and KNOW they would not mind a bit. Do I do that? Not a chance. I love them, so I am here, even if I am trying to do something else. I always have a Facebook tab open, no matter what I am doing, in case someone wants to talk to me there.

I know I sound like I am bitching and moaning, but I do not feel that I am. This has reached a point that it is coloring everything about my life. I am resenting other people for their happiness, even while being ACTUALLY happy for them at the same time. I do not resent their good fortune, because I have a good amount of that in my life at times, I resent their ability for having a prolonged feeling of happiness. I resent their ability to have joy and show it for longer than a few minutes. I resent their ability to be good to themselves, and to allow themselves to be happy and feel joy, and do what makes them happy without that pervading sense of guilt that colors everything I do. I do not want what they have, I want to FEEL what they feel, when they are happy.

How do I fix that? How do I fix what is broken inside my mind? How can I actually enjoy the good things that happen to me?  How can I revel in that? I do not want other people's happiness, I am not jealous for the good things happening to them. I just want to be able to enjoy the good things that happen in my OWN life.

Why can I be happy for everyone but me?

Why do I always feel like I am on the outside, looking in?