Somewhere I belong...

I am struggling again.

I am sure the stress of the last two weeks has played a huge part in that. The constant running around, the constant phone calls, ( we all  know how I feel about the phone ) Jack being so ill and away from us. I fully understand all those things have affected me.

There is more to it.

I have been in hermit mode the last few days. I have not wanted to really speak to anyone, or do anything. I needed some down time. Certain  people are not understanding or accepting of my Summer schedule. I am a night owl at heart, and all school year long  we are up very early in the morning and go to bed around ten at night. In the Summer, we get to flip around. Alex and I both rather be up at night and sleep during the day. Unless we have appointments to keep, that is what we will do...but other people do not like that much. They do not understand it, it is not what they do, so they scoff at it, or make snide remarks. It bugs me. I am 34 years old, full grown, and at this time in my life, I do not have set schedule that I HAVE to follow, nor do I until August rolls around. No one here has any problems with it. Jack does not mind, and he  is slowly swapping around to our schedule. He has no set time to do ANYTHING, so he can sleep and be awake whenever he pleases. It actually saves us money for Alex and I to be up at night. The cost of electricity is much cheaper at night, while during the day, "peak hours" cost more. Our light bill actually dropped since we flipped around. So for us, it works out much better to have this schedule. Why others have issues with it is beyond me.

The other issue is that I have been feeling very out of place. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. I try to be friends with people...and I  suddenly feel very awkward...like I am the butt of a silent joke that everyone is aware of except me. I feel alone and different. On the outside looking in. If I throw myself out there, I get shut down, or worse, I feel like I am being tolerated. I hate that. I much rather someone come right out and say "Look, I really do not like you, we have nothing in common, and I am only nice to you because I either feel sorry for you, or because you are friends with someone I care about. You and me? Not so much. " I can deal with that. I can RESPECT that. I just hate feeling like I am the person that everyone tolerates in order to not seem rude.

I only have ONE person that I do not feel that way with. Out of the many people I have semi-often to often interactions with, I only have ONE that I am 100% comfortable with, and who I know will tell me in a heart beat that I am being an ass, or unreasonable, or that when she says she loves me, I know she 100% means it. Our lives are so similar and parallel that she is the one person who gets it, and I know I am that person for her too. She is priceless to me, and I would be totally lost without her.

( There are  a couple of others that I know are sincere and  do show it, this is not about them. )

It sucks though. I have others in  my life who say they feel the same, they care, they are here anytime...but I do not see it from them. I do not feel it from them. Now, I fully understand that I have a mental illness. Being bipolar means that we view the world a little differently, and that view is not always rational. I know that sometimes, the problem is simply me, it is in my own mind. However, I have been dealing with this long enough to recognize when I am being mental and unreasonable, and when there is actually something going on behind the scenes. I can't shake the feeling that something is not right in Whoville. It hurts. It hurts because I do not feel comfortable in going to these people and point blank asking them what the deal is. I am scared that the problem  is all in my head, and asking them or mentioning it to them will only serve to make me that much more of an outsider. I hate  feeling this way. I hate feeling like a freak. Not the good kind of freak.

I feel very alone.

Sometimes I need to be alone, I am an introvert after all.  This feeling of loneliness is much deeper. I feel lonely in my soul. I don't like it.

I have been cycling more rapidly these days...but instead of going from super low to super high and back again, I have been cycling from low to really low and back again. The upswing is not  actually UP, there is no happy part...just a slightly less intense low. I have a call in to my doctor for next week...I am waiting to hear back for an appointment to discuss changing my meds. I am involved in phone therapy, which is both a blessing ( because we do not have the gas money to make three trips into town a week to see the doctor physically ) and a curse, because I dislike the phone so intensely.

I just feel really lost and alone, and nothing I am doing is working to bring me out of it.

I don't know what to do. I am afraid to say anything, for fear of making it worse, and I will end up even more alone. I am afraid that if I do not say anything, nothing will change and I will still be the butt of the joke, and alone. I am afraid that it is all in my head, even though I KNOW deep down that this time, there is something going on to make me  feel this way.

I do not like feeling like the crazy person everyone has to walk on eggshells around. I do not like feeling like there is a lot of whispering going on behind my back. I don't like feeling that people view me as some high maintenance "friend" that everyone has to constantly deal with.

I have been trying to be kind to myself. I realize the anniversary of my Dad passing, Jack getting sick, having to deal with Dad not being here for Father's Day, Jack not being here for Father's Day, Jack losing his doctor, ( he is moving his practice somewhere else in Florida ) the mediation for settlement coming up...I realize all those things are affecting me, and I have been trying to be really kind to myself. I sleep when I feel the need to, I eat right ( we ALWAYS eat right though, I am not one of those that cram all manner of crap in my face and then complain about how crappy I feel. I don't care what you eat, as long as you enjoy it...but we enjoy eating good and wholesome foods. ) and have been adding more natural vitamins and stuff to my diet, trying to combat the lows and being tired. I have been spending a lot of one on one time with Alex, laughing and being silly with her. Aside from Jack being a bit grumpy due to pain, things are great between he and I. I have been playing games with Alex, cooking us yummy food, being silly, relaxing and resting. I am doing things I usually enjoy. I still feel terribly empty and alone though. I do not know what else to do to fix it. I am not sure if I can fix it. I am still waiting to hear back from my doctor about what my diagnosis is for all my testing. I am pretty sure the answer will be  that I have MS, so I have been trying to prepare myself for that, and what it will mean for me and my family.  I am lucky that I have a rock solid person in my life, the one I mentioned earlier, who is well versed in all things involving MS...so I will have her to help me. It is still very scary though.

 I have also been feeling like a selfish ass. It is not like I am the only person with problems. My friends all have their own lives. They have health problems, money problems, mental problems, life problems. Everyone is going through their own version of life, and all the good and bad that comes with it. I hate even talking about my own issues, because so many people out there have it worse, or have their own stuff to deal with. But as a friend told me once, just because other people have it worse, or have their own stuff going on, that does not mean what I am going though is not important, or that my feelings are not valid. I just hate to dump all my shit on someone else when they are going through their own stuff. It makes me feel like my own problems are so petty and unimportant. Even though to me the problems are massive and important, I know that to others, it is very low on the scale of things that constitute a major issue.

What do I do about it? Who do I turn to when I feel like people do not even want to talk to me, and because of my issues, I cannot even accurately judge if that is true, that they do NOT want to talk to me...or am I just being a head case and jumping at shadows? How do I combat the feelings of being alone when I am to unsure of myself to talk to anyone?

I am asking for help, but I am admitting that I do not know what kind of help I need. I don't want to be that one person that everyone just deals with, and rolls their eyes when they read stuff like this and think, " Everyone get ready, Bella has lost her mind again. Here we go with the bullshit!" I am asking for some honestly and clarity. I am asking that the people who are in my life to stay because they actually want me in their  life, and if they are just going through the motions or tolerating me, I ask that those people tell me that, so we can part ways and move on so they no longer have to deal with me, and I no longer have to worry about if they really want to be there or not.

I am asking, for those that stay, to forgive me for any weirdness, for my struggling, for not being totally sane and level all the time. I am asking for understanding, because I am just trying to figure this shit out as I go, just like everyone else. I am asking for those in my life to tell me what THEY need from me...because I want to be there for all of you. I do not want it to be about me all the time. I will give people the shirt off my back if it will help. Just know that sometimes things go sideways in my brain, and I need a little something extra every now and then. Tomorrow I might be on top of the world, and the next day I might be curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, wishing the world would just swallow me up so I no longer have to go through this.

It is hard, and I try very hard to not let this define me, but the honest truth is, this IS a part of who I am. Glossing over it or sweeping it under the rug does no good. It means I am not being honest with myself, and it means that I am trying to pretend to be something I'm not to my friends and people I care about. I rather have one single person who truly wants to be around me than 30 people who just tolerate me because they are nice people. That may be too much to ask, but I do not really think it is. We all deserve honesty.

I think this will end my rambling tonight. If you are still reading, thank you. I know these things are not a fun read, and people probably get tired of hearing it,  but if I do not get it out, then it festers and turns into something even uglier than what it already is.

I care about all of you, and I hope that you stick around as I try to navigate the sometimes rough waters of life. I appreciate you all.

Draggin': NaBloWriMo Day 10

I had a mini venting session over on the Facebook Fan Page this morning. I wanted to keep writing, but it would have turned into a blog post there, so I decided to save it. Since I wrote that this morning, lots of things have happened and I no longer feel like venting as much.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was tired, and I always seem to be tired these days, no matter how much I sleep. We have been on the go all week, I have one hopeful break of sorts tomorrow, then it is busy all day Friday and Saturday, with hopefully some rest Sunday before the week starts all over again.

I have been feeling really down these days. I am in the middle of a down cycle ( I am bi-polar, for any new people that might be around ) and that makes everything twice as hard to deal with. All I want to do is sleep, but I sleep so hard when I go to bed, I seem to wake feeling more tired than when I went to bed. All the extra things I have had to do for Jack over the last month have been adding to it, even though there is not much to it, but for some reason simple things like taking out the trash and feeding his outside dog ( two things he usually does ) have been irritating the hell out of me, and I do not know why. Alex has had major attitude, ( which is probably because of OUR attitudes ) and it just seems like every little thing is a HUGE deal.

I think a lot of it has to do with this weekend, and the scattering of my Dad's ashes. I know that I have healed some since my Dad died...but as hard as this is hitting me, I know I am not as healed as I was telling myself. The closer the day gets, the crazier I seem to get. I am hoping that after Saturday, with the final scattering no longer looming in my mind, when it is all finally over...I am hoping that I can finally put the pieces back in place, the ones that are all wonky.

Jack and I got into a HUGE fight on the way in to town for his follow up appointment this morning. I admit, it was mostly my fault, as I was in a bad mood the second I woke up this morning, and the fact I was still having to take the trash out seemed like it was akin to me having to move mountains. All it took was him asking me what my problem was, and I went off like a volcano. We fought all the way to town, and I got it all off my chest, and made him understand why I have been so nuts, and he apologized but told me I had not been making things easy myself...which is true, I know. By the time we got out of the doctor's office, we had cooled off and then talked without yelling, and got the rest of it out. I know some people think any time there is yelling in a relationship then it is bad and unhealthy and should end, but I think that is bullshit. If ALL you do is fight, then yeah, but we hardly ever, ever fight. When we do though, it is colossal. Then one of us will make the other laugh, we crack up and it is over, then we talk it out. But those 10 or 20 minutes of yelling are a huge stress and tension reliever, and 9 times out of 10 we do not make it personal or anything. Some of the problems we have are not caused by us, they are due to circumstances beyond our control, and that yelling helps, because we can not yell at his back, or my ankle, or the bills, or the cost of gas. When we "fight" it is usually a way we vent at each other. We always feel better afterwards, and many months will go by before it happens again. So that is over with.

The doc told Jack his was allowed to get out of bed and start doing things again. He no longer has to lay flat of his back constantly, and he is sending him to Physical Therapy as soon as Worker's Comp approves it, so that is good. Now he can take the trash out, and feed his dog, and all the other little things he stopped doing, taking the stress off of me, which is great. I know that sounds pitiful, it is just a little trash and feeding the animal..but in my current mental state...it was a big deal, because those little things added up on top of all the other 400 little things...and I have felt like I was cracking at times under the pressure of it all. Any one who is bi-polar or manic depressive knows that when you are in a down cycle....simply having to breathe is sometimes enough to make you want to crawl in bed and hide for a while. Little things are just to much to deal with. This is one of the longest down cycles I have ever had and it could not have come at a worse time in my opinion, but it is here and I have to deal with it as best as I can. I have commitments and things to do, and as much as I might want to give myself some time to deal with everything until I come out of the cycle, I can not do that this time. So I keep chugging on...just more slowly than I normally would. I was going to do NaNoWriMo next month, but if I have not come out of the cycle by then, I will have to skip it.

Tomorrow is the ONE day this week I do not have to leave the house, and I have some heavy writing to do. I have a deadline fast approaching and I feel terrible that I have not finished it yet. I have other writing projects that do NOT have a deadline, but I am still behind according to my personal deadlines I had for these things. So yeah, tomorrow is writing obligation day.

I guess I ended up venting anyway, didn't I? I guess sometimes we do not realize we NEEDED to do something until after we have already done it.

So anyway, that is why my posts have been lightweight, and scatterbrained, or very short. This week has been pretty crazy in more ways than one.

I am really hoping after this weekend I can get myself back to normal. I miss me.

I have exorcised the demons!

Out of my computer that is. Maybe my mind too, but the jury is still out on that one.


I have been feeling a bit...snarly...the last few days. Went in to hiding, to spare the masses, and then decided to reload the operating system of my computer, because it was acting 3 kinds of possessed and not even my PC guru skills could get rid of the gremlins my beloved PC had.


Not to self: NEVER ever ever ever for fucks sake EVER reload the PC when your hair is on fire and spinning around in circles, waiting for the pea soup to spew forth. ( Think Hades from the Disney movie Hercules )


You know how it goes. When you are feeling like that, everything that can go wrong, will, in fact blow past wrong like it was standing still and head on to the 'OMFG the world is about to end' section.


If I had a sledge hammer last night...I would not be typing this today, I kid you not. The files I backed up? Corrupt. Trying to download files while not killing my meter? Pointless. Downloads not complete, had to redownload, meter got sucked dry. ( My bandwidth meter, I am on a limited plan. ) Luckily my music ( A full GIG of music, yes ) and my photos transferred over or I would have set this fucker on fire and danced around it in the yard. Well, in a barrel, we are in such a hot drought I would have been arrested...no burning allowed anywhere.


I still do not have all the programs back on here that I use regularly, I ran out of energy. Finally got to bed at 7 this morning and slept till 3:30 this afternoon, and miracle upon miracles, I felt AMAZING when I woke up. Further proof that I am a night owl at heart. I can sleep 8 hours at night, wake up in the morning and feel like shit all day. Sleep during the day and wake up in the afternoon and feel like a million bucks. Go figure.


I got up, scarfed down some food as it had been a full 24 hours since I had eaten last, and decided to tear shit apart and dust and rearrange some knick knacks. Jack then woke up from his nap so I decided to stop for today and warily use my PC, and other than FB, which always has something wrong with it, it seems to be demon free. Thanks to my day sleep, the demons from my head are also mostly gone. 



I am still kind of dreading tomorrow. We are going to eat at my parents, and because I am a broke bitch I can not get my Dad anything for Father's Day. Hopefully he will be happy with something Alex and I will make for him tonight. I know he will be, but I still feel like shit about it. Hopefully it will all be okay.


So enjoy your weekend folks, and Happy Pops day to the Dad's out there tomorrow. Expect a post about Jack tomorrow lol.


Stay cool folks!

Down cycles and new obsessions...

What a week.


As most of you know I am Bi-Polar, and as such I am sometimes hit with vicious down cycles. I have been lucky, I have not had a really bad one in over 6 months, but last weekend it more than caught up with me and made up for lost time.


Since the Universe has a sense of sadistic humor, I was also hit with some personal issues, 3 of them at the same time. So this last week was pure hell. I went into "Hermit Mode" and did not leave the inside of my house from Saturday evening until today, other than to walk the dog. Alex did not go to school yesterday so it was this morning while taking her to the bus stop that I saw any major form of daylight.


Luckily for me, my latest obsession arrived in the mail on Saturday:

Even if I had not been in the process of losing my mind, I would not have moved off the couch once I popped this baby in the PS3. I am hooked. I have not even thought about my other game I have been playing for weeks; Elder Scrolls Oblivion.


I have just about all the Sims available for consoles except the Gamecube version ( but my eldest daughter does have that one..) and up until now, 2 was my favorite, but 3 blows them all out of the water. As soon as I wake I hurry through my chores and get Alex out the door so I can get back to my virtual world. I know it is a horrible time sucker, but it helped me get through a very rough time, and I am pretty sure if I did not have it this down cycle would have lasted much longer.


Alex is still a total chatterbox that makes my brain leak out of my ears after a few hours of her incessant yammering at me. I am a very quiet person by nature, I could go days without ever speaking if I were allowed to. I guess that is why Alex is the way she is, to bust up one of those hermit qualities I have. I think it busts my sanity up more than anything lol.


I guess that is about it. That is why I have been back in the "Dead Zone" of blogging, but as you can see, I have come up for air long enough to bang out a quick update lol...


Now, I am pretty sure it is time for my Sims peeps to go to work and school.....

Here it comes again...damn it...

I was SO hoping I could stave it off this time, but alas, it snuck up on me when I was not looking.

It is time for another downward spiral for a bit. Most of you know by now I am bi-polar, but for the most part it is pretty well under control. There are times however when the down times are a bit worse than others, and the timing sucks since yesterday was Yule and I did not one thing for it, and it is my fav holiday. Not to mention Xmas is in a few days and my kids are all stoked and I am just praying for it to all be over lol.

I am not a Scrooge about it or anything, and this time is no different than any other "dark time", it just so happens to fall on a holiday week.

So if I am antsy, more edgy and sarcastic than usual...or lethargic and kind of blah...do not hold it against me, as it will pass....

Hope you all are well, it seems pretty quiet in bloggy land these days. Everyone gearing up for the Holidays I suppose lol...

Have a great week!