Thoughts on loving and being loved...Part Two...The Back Story...

If you missed Part One...click HERE to check it out. Post will open in a new window.)

I didn't know how to love, or be loved.

Those nine words defined such a huge part of my life. I made so many stupid choices, did so many risky and stupid things, all because I had no clue how to love, or be loved.

It started at home, when broken parents tried to do the best they could...but had no model of healthy love to draw from. They had nothing to emulate. From the time I was about 8 or so...until well into my relationship with Jack, I was chasing love. I was running in all the wrong directions, to all the wrong people, in all the wrong places. Jack changed me, right from the start, but it was a slow process.

I was beat down, physically, mentally, emotionally. Jack was the one who drug me out of my "shell" so to speak. The outspoken, take no shit, give as good as I get person that I am now used to not exist. My Father did not like emotions. He discouraged them. The only one he ever showed was anger, at that time in his life. He was a deep thinker, very analytic, and he taught me to be the same. However, it was not until AFTER Jack helped me to get rid of all the bullshit I had piled on me that I discovered just how alike my Father and I were.

When Jack and I met, I was a very timid person. From a very early age I was told " Children are to be seen, and not heard," and that carried over into my adult life. I acted out, did stupid things, because I felt I had no voice to speak with. I had to gain attention through actions, and the good things never gained me much of anything, only the bad things had any long lasting effect. In my first two long term relationships I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. I was hit, I was talked down to, I was treated terrible, and I allowed it, because I was taught that this is normal. My model of marriage was my parents, and while as far as I know my Father never hit my Mother, he was very emotionally and mentally abusive when I was young. I thought this is what marriage was. That it was okay to be treated that way, because that is what I thought I deserved. My Mother allowed us to be treated this way. Due to her past, maybe she thought that the way my Dad was was how it was supposed to be. I do not know. I have never felt comfortable enough to ask her.

One of the strongest memories I have is one night when I was 6 or 7...my Dad and my Uncle were going fishing, and my Dad was pissed off because he could not find something, and he just went off on my Mom. It was bad. He left to go fishing, and I was reading a book that had craft ideas in it, and I looked up at my Mom to tell her about something in the book...and she was staring off into space, tears rolling down her cheeks. It was the first time I ever remember seeing her cry. I did not say anything, I just looked back down at my book and kept quiet. I remember being so angry at my Dad, for making her cry. I was angry that he was such an ass ALL the time. I felt that he made our lives miserable. A few years later, there was another terrible fight and Dad said he was leaving. He and Mom were going to split up. I remember telling my Mom about all of these things we could sell for money, so we would not be without. My Mom looked at me and said " You know if he leaves, you will probably never see him  again.." ( When he split with his ex wife, the mother of my half siblings, he did not spend much time with them until they were adults. ) My response was, "Good." ( For the record, they never did split up, they were married until my Dad died last June..)

Back to Jack. I was 24 years old, and living with a man 20 years older than me that I did not care about. He was an alcoholic, and while he did not "abuse" me, he ignored me and I was basically there to help him pay bills, including child support for his youngest child. I met Jack while working at a gas station. He was a mechanic in the shop a few doors down,  and he would come in several times a day. I did not really care for him when we first met. I thought he was arrogant and thought he was all that and a bag of chips. He walked around like he owned the world. He would be slightly flirtatious with me when he came in the store. Not too much though, as he had a girlfriend and I had the guy I was with, who also worked at the store with me. One afternoon, I was standing outside on a smoke break when he came in, and as he left he was griping about his girlfriend, and we talked for a few minutes. We actually had a nice conversation, and he was reluctant to leave, and said " Well, I guess I need to get back to the house and my old lady.." I looked him square in the eye ( which  was unusual, I very seldom did that ) and as I flicked my cig away I said " Your 'old lady' is not my problem.." and walked inside. He sat in the parking lot and started at me through the window for about 5 minutes before he left.

After that he started coming in the store 5 and 6 times a day when I was working, and my boss, whom I was friends with, said if he came in and saw I was not working, he would not come back that day. I shrugged it off, I thought he was an ass and did not really give him much thought. A few weeks later, I was hanging around the store, even though it was my day off, because I had nothing else to do, and the guy I was seeing was working that day. I was sitting at a table, reading the newspaper, and Jack walked in, talking on his cell. I glanced up and then back down at my paper, and the next thing I know he had slid in the seat across from me and leaned  over the table and  gave me a hug...still on  the phone. I just sat there, stunned, and I did not return the hug. I went back to my paper and he sat there talking on the phone. Once he was finished, he started talking to me as if we had been close friends for years. We ended up going outside and talking in the parking lot for the next three hours. Later that afternoon, he surprised me by asking me if I wanted to go for a ride. I surprised myself by saying yes. He followed me back to my house so I could drop off my car, and I jumped in his truck and off we went. He took me to meet his parents....'

Yeah. His parents.

We talked at his place for hours, and I was reluctant to go home. But home I went and went to bed. I ended up going to my store the next morning, telling the guy I was with that I wanted a Pop Tart ( which I do no even eat ) and I would be back later. I went and bought a nasty Pop Tart and used the store phone to call Jack, and he came up to the store before work and hung out with me for a little while. We ended up seeing each other that afternoon for a little while, and it was even harder to leave him. I explained my current relationship to him ( he had broken up with his girl weeks before all this ) and how I was there because I felt I had no place to go. We had not been intimate in months, and he ignored me 95% of the time unless he needed a ride somewhere ( he had no vehicle or a license ) or unless he was holding his hand out for my paycheck for bills and to pay his child support. I did not care for him, and did not want to be with him, but I felt trapped. Jack tried to get me to spend the night with him, but I told him no, and I went home shortly after that.

I did not see him the next day; I was off work, and I felt guilty, even though I no longer wanted to be  in my current relationship, ( and  I use the world "relationship" very loosely ) nor had I done anything to be guilty of, other than hang out with a new friend who was a guy. Nothing intimate had happened other than a goodbye hug. The next morning, I woke up at like 8 am ( which was not the norm, I worked nights so I slept until 2 pm most days ) and something told me to get dressed and go outside. I pulled on a pair of shorts with the shirt I slept in and grabbed my smokes and wandered outside....passing by the guy I lived with, who was already drinking at 8 in the morning...and leaned up against the back of my car, closing  my eyes against the bright sun, having a smoke and wondering what in the hell I was doing up and outside that time of day, as I had to work that night.

About five minutes later, my question was answered. Jack came screeching into my driveway and came to a stop a mere 6 inches from pinning me between his truck and my car. The odd part is, I never flinched, or got scared. I knew I was safe. He came out of the truck...long hair ( at the time ) flying, no shirt, tight jeans with holes in the knees on...looking wild and slightly crazed.

I kept my face neutral and asked him what in the hell was he doing here so early, looking all crazy. He told me that he was unable to get me off his mind, and he did not want to spend another moment without me, and I could either go in there and tell the dude I lived with that I was leaving, or he would just put me in the truck and leave, he could figure it out later. I smirked and asked him did he really want to start our relationship off with a kidnapping?  He just raised an eyebrow at me..with a look that said "If I have to.."

I laughed  and we talked for a  few more minutes. I know most of you are probably thinking "WHY are you talking to the crazy person?!" I have to tell you, it is strange, but I have never felt so safe. I knew he was not going to hurt me. I finally told him to wait outside, I had to go get some clothes on and I would be back. I went in, got dressed, and grabbed my work shirt and told the guy I was living with that I was leaving. He asked when I would be coming back, and  I said that I was not sure. Instead of being concerned, or suspicious, the only other thing he said to me was: " You ARE going to work tonight, right?" I said yes and walked out the door, got into Jack's truck, and we left. I went to work that night, and my now ex came up there and brought me my car, and asked for his house key back. I guess it finally sunk in what I had done. I made arrangements to get the rest of my stuff the next day, and I never went back after that. I slept on Jack's couch for a week, I refused to sleep in the bed with him. When we finally did get intimate, I got pregnant with Alex our first time. He was thrilled. I was terrified. We have been together ever since.

Jack and I, with a 3 month old Alex.( 8 and a half years ago )  Jack had dyed his brown hair blonde. Now he has no hair lol. ( Not related to the dying LOL.) Yes, Alex was tiny. She was a 28 week preemie for those who are new here :)

I have never regretted my decision. It has been just over nine years. We are each others longest relationship.

It took him a few years to get me straightened out, so to speak. He taught me to love myself, something that had seriously been lacking in my life. He taught me to stand up for myself. He taught me that I was worth something. He taught me that I was valid. He taught me that I was a product of my environment, and that I was no longer that scared, lonely little girl.

He taught me that I deserved to be loved.

He taught me what love was.

We have had our ups and downs, we have been through really tough times, and we almost broke. But out love for each other was too strong, to deep, to ever truly break us apart.

Jack, and then Alex, taught me what love was supposed to be, and  it re-shaped my entire life.

Stay tuned for Part Three to find out how....

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Not your typical witch....NaBloWriMo Day 31 Final Post

I made it! I posted every day this month, sometimes multiple times! I thank all of you for coming along with me on this little writing journey, and I am pleased to share this final NaBloWriMo entry with you today.

*******


I am not what you would call a typical Witch. I do not do things the way your "normal" witch would do them. This becomes even more obvious to me when Samhain (Halloween) rolls around every year.

I am not big on spells, ( although I do believe they work, first hand knowledge ) I strongly dislike rituals, ( not the ritual concept itself, but my personally doing them...they do not feel natural, they feel forced and clumsy ) and I do not need all the bells and whistles to get in the right frame of mind, or to raise energy, or what have you. I do not cast a physical circle. I do not sing, or vocally chant, or any of that stuff.

Since I am what you would call an introvert...or a hermit...or whatever you want to call it, most of my magic takes place inside my mind, just like everything else does for me. I internalize everything. I get better results by practicing where I am most comfortable, inside my own head, than if I try to act it out physically. I have been told this means I am just "pretending" to be a witch, or that I really do nothing, or that I am to afraid, and several other things that just cause me to shake my head. It is okay that people do not understand, as this is the way *I* practice. I am not trying to convince or teach any one else to adopt my ways of practicing. I have read the books. I have had the mentors, I have tried everything the way most think you are *supposed* to do it. It does not work for me. It is not genuine, and if it is not genuine, then it is ineffective. So I do what works for me, and that is all that really matters, right?

This is already a magical season for me. The weather starts to cool off, and in fact this year it is unusually colder than it normally would be, and I am loving it. I come alive in the Fall and early Winter months.  Samhain is the first step on the journey to return to my true self...the one that hides in the hot and icky months.

*****

I am always very aware of Samhain, and what it represents, but I do not do the usual rituals and traditions that other Witches may do; such as the Dumb Supper or holding a Seance , or having a ritual, alone or with a coven. There are many different things that people do, and normally I do not do any of those. I quietly acknowledge my loved ones who have passed and do some reflection, and go about my day. This year is going to be a bit different.

This year has been one of the most difficult of my life.

For anyone who has been reading here for any length of time, knows that is saying something.

I don't just mean 2012, I mean an actual 365 days. Although in truth is is going on a year and two months now. I broke my ankle, lost a few friends, my oldest friend lost 15 years of her memory, Jack got hurt, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then later died from it, (which is still devastating me ) Jack got hurt in other ways, I got hurt in other ways, money woes, things breaking, illness, emotional distress...just one thing after another. It has been terrible. There are a couple of bright spots that I am thankful for, but the bad far, far outweighs the good.

Tonight I am going to try to change that.

While what I am doing is not a "ritual" per se, it is for me, because as I stated earlier, I do everything inside of my head. This year I will have a massive fire, and I will celebrate with my family for a while, with joy and love, and then I will be alone, with the fire, with the spirits, and I will do my best to cast out some of the ever abundant "bad" in my life and try to balance it out with more "good" in my life. I will be trying to communicate with my daddy...I know he is near. I have smelled his cologne twice in the last week...the scent he wore when I was a child, and one that is not even made anymore...and suddenly he is always on my mind, every second of every day. I dream of him. I see movement out of the corner of my eye, when no one is around. I know he is here. So I am hoping for....something...tonight. His ash scattering was a fiasco, and I am still longing for internal closure, even while realizing on some levels I already have it. It is hard to describe with any real clarity.

I will spend precious time alone. Beseeching the unknown for peace. For a reprieve. For release from this downward spiral that has made us all so dizzy and sick.


*******

Samahin may be after the world spins into the darker half of the year...away from the sun...but in my world, the change in energy, the cooler weather...all of those things bring blessed and cooling moonlight into my life. Light is light,no matter if it is directly from the sun, or reflected off of the moon. Tonight is the Witch's New Year, and I hope and pray that it will be a year filled with love and laughter and joy. Peace, happiness, and prosperity. Good things. I have had my year of bad things. It is time for balance to be restored.

*******

Samhain means many things to this atypical Witch, but I can say with confidence that Samhain represents the doorway in which I step through to finally return to myself each year.

*******


There you have it. An entire month of posting for NaBloWriMo!! I had a lot of fun, and I have enjoyed reading all the posts from those who participated! I look forward to doing it again next year!

Thanks for hanging out with me this month. I hope you all have a blessed Samhain!

I miss you.. NaBloWriMo Day 26

I do not have many words today. I am missing my father very much, and I thought I would post a song to him instead.

Have a great weekend everyone...and tell your loved ones just how much you care...

One More Cop Out :NaBloWriMo Day 12

I know, three days in a row and the posts have been the bare minimum. I am so sorry, it is just a really busy and difficult week. Stupid shit keeps happening, and the closer it gets to the ash scattering for my dad  tomorrow, the more heart broken I get...

This has just been the longest and one of the most messed up weeks I have had in a long time.

I have no energy to really write. I just need to get through tomorrow, and then hopefully things can return to what passes for normal around here.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. Things have to get better at some point, right?

Until tomorrow...

Draggin': NaBloWriMo Day 10

I had a mini venting session over on the Facebook Fan Page this morning. I wanted to keep writing, but it would have turned into a blog post there, so I decided to save it. Since I wrote that this morning, lots of things have happened and I no longer feel like venting as much.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was tired, and I always seem to be tired these days, no matter how much I sleep. We have been on the go all week, I have one hopeful break of sorts tomorrow, then it is busy all day Friday and Saturday, with hopefully some rest Sunday before the week starts all over again.

I have been feeling really down these days. I am in the middle of a down cycle ( I am bi-polar, for any new people that might be around ) and that makes everything twice as hard to deal with. All I want to do is sleep, but I sleep so hard when I go to bed, I seem to wake feeling more tired than when I went to bed. All the extra things I have had to do for Jack over the last month have been adding to it, even though there is not much to it, but for some reason simple things like taking out the trash and feeding his outside dog ( two things he usually does ) have been irritating the hell out of me, and I do not know why. Alex has had major attitude, ( which is probably because of OUR attitudes ) and it just seems like every little thing is a HUGE deal.

I think a lot of it has to do with this weekend, and the scattering of my Dad's ashes. I know that I have healed some since my Dad died...but as hard as this is hitting me, I know I am not as healed as I was telling myself. The closer the day gets, the crazier I seem to get. I am hoping that after Saturday, with the final scattering no longer looming in my mind, when it is all finally over...I am hoping that I can finally put the pieces back in place, the ones that are all wonky.

Jack and I got into a HUGE fight on the way in to town for his follow up appointment this morning. I admit, it was mostly my fault, as I was in a bad mood the second I woke up this morning, and the fact I was still having to take the trash out seemed like it was akin to me having to move mountains. All it took was him asking me what my problem was, and I went off like a volcano. We fought all the way to town, and I got it all off my chest, and made him understand why I have been so nuts, and he apologized but told me I had not been making things easy myself...which is true, I know. By the time we got out of the doctor's office, we had cooled off and then talked without yelling, and got the rest of it out. I know some people think any time there is yelling in a relationship then it is bad and unhealthy and should end, but I think that is bullshit. If ALL you do is fight, then yeah, but we hardly ever, ever fight. When we do though, it is colossal. Then one of us will make the other laugh, we crack up and it is over, then we talk it out. But those 10 or 20 minutes of yelling are a huge stress and tension reliever, and 9 times out of 10 we do not make it personal or anything. Some of the problems we have are not caused by us, they are due to circumstances beyond our control, and that yelling helps, because we can not yell at his back, or my ankle, or the bills, or the cost of gas. When we "fight" it is usually a way we vent at each other. We always feel better afterwards, and many months will go by before it happens again. So that is over with.

The doc told Jack his was allowed to get out of bed and start doing things again. He no longer has to lay flat of his back constantly, and he is sending him to Physical Therapy as soon as Worker's Comp approves it, so that is good. Now he can take the trash out, and feed his dog, and all the other little things he stopped doing, taking the stress off of me, which is great. I know that sounds pitiful, it is just a little trash and feeding the animal..but in my current mental state...it was a big deal, because those little things added up on top of all the other 400 little things...and I have felt like I was cracking at times under the pressure of it all. Any one who is bi-polar or manic depressive knows that when you are in a down cycle....simply having to breathe is sometimes enough to make you want to crawl in bed and hide for a while. Little things are just to much to deal with. This is one of the longest down cycles I have ever had and it could not have come at a worse time in my opinion, but it is here and I have to deal with it as best as I can. I have commitments and things to do, and as much as I might want to give myself some time to deal with everything until I come out of the cycle, I can not do that this time. So I keep chugging on...just more slowly than I normally would. I was going to do NaNoWriMo next month, but if I have not come out of the cycle by then, I will have to skip it.

Tomorrow is the ONE day this week I do not have to leave the house, and I have some heavy writing to do. I have a deadline fast approaching and I feel terrible that I have not finished it yet. I have other writing projects that do NOT have a deadline, but I am still behind according to my personal deadlines I had for these things. So yeah, tomorrow is writing obligation day.

I guess I ended up venting anyway, didn't I? I guess sometimes we do not realize we NEEDED to do something until after we have already done it.

So anyway, that is why my posts have been lightweight, and scatterbrained, or very short. This week has been pretty crazy in more ways than one.

I am really hoping after this weekend I can get myself back to normal. I miss me.

Daddy came home...

As you all know, I have been upset over the fact that my father's ashes have still not been spread. I am not sure why, since I know the ashes ( or rather, bone dust and fragments, there are no "ashes" to speak of  ) are just what is left, and what truly made him HIM has returned to the Universe.

Still...it bothers me....

When my Mom asked me if I wanted to keep some of the ashes, my answer was of course yes. That was weeks ago. I have been keeping an eye out for a container to put him in, but could never find anything suitable. I wanted something with either a cork or a screw on lid, so if for some reason it ever fell, or was dropped, he would not spill.  Nothing presented itself.

Last weekend, we were at the flea market, and once again I had one eye on everything, looking for something. I found a couple of containers but they were high priced ( especially at a flea market ) and as I was about to leave the man's booth, something silver caught my eye. I walked over to his "dollar" (read: junk ) table, and sitting there in the middle was a round, slightly flat, silver container, that, according to the label on it, at one time held BBQ Rub, packaged for Christmas, in it. I smiled right away, as my Dad LOVED to cook, and he was constantly creating rubs for the roasts and other meat he loved to cook. I looked at the lid, which was one that just pressed on top, but I almost needed a crowbar to get the lid off, as the container was old. It was perfectly clean inside, no smell or dust remained from the rub that was in it, so I called Jack over to get his opinion, since it was, after all, a spice container and I wanted to place my father inside of it lol.

He took it from me and looked at it, picked the edge of the label off to make sure we could remove it, and said that is was perfect. So I bought it and peeled the labels off and the matter was solved. We went to my Mom's house after we were done shopping, and showed Mom the container, and told her the story. She also agreed that it was very fitting. So later as we were wanting to leave, I took the container and help it out to her, and said in my best British Oliver Twist ( Please sir, may I have some more? ) voice: " Please Mum, may I have my portion of Fathah?" She cracked up lol.

So we went in to her office where Dad's box was, and she scooped me out two good sized scoop full's of the ashes and put them in the container. I wrestled the lid back on and checked it out, and checked it out to make sure it would not come loose or anything, and it was PERFECT. So we left and brought him home and I set him in the cubby hole of my desk over my head, about a foot away from the top of my head.

I feel SO freaking much better now. No, the rest of his ashes have not been spread, but it no longer vexes me. I have a tangible part of my father, and I always will. I know some people freak out over earthly remains, and maybe think I am talking to blase about it...but you would have had to have known my father and I. I get my love of knowledge and my desire to know as much about as many things as I can from him. Death, and what happens to our bodies AFTER death was one of those things, and it was something he and I talked about from time to time. I knew about being buried, but it was not until AFTER he died that I did any in depth research on Cremation.  (WARNING, IF EASILY UPSET OR SQUEAMISH PROCEED WITH CAUTION! SKIP TO NEXT RED LINE OF TEXT! ) I mean, I knew that the body was burned, but I did not realize that what is left is not ash, as anything to burn is burned away in the fire. The tissue and such..well..melts for lack of a better term. What is actually left is bones, and those are put into a big machine and ground up in to dust. I can see my Dad, if he decided to hang around at the time, looking over the guys shoulder as they put the bones in the grinder...as he would have been fascinated to see the whole process. As soon as Dad got home from the crematorium, I burst into my Mother's house and asked where he was. I got the box and opened it, and took out the black and surprisingly heavy box he was actually in, and opened it. Inside the big plastic bag, there he was. Mostly dust, like cornmeal almost, coarse and sightly grainy...with little bone chunks in there. My Mother eyed me warily as I poked at the bag ( through the plastic, don't worry, I did not dig through it with my hands like an archaeological dig or anything lol. ) I know Dad would not have minded, and if it had been anyone else in that box, he would have been standing right beside me, checking it out.



(GROSS PART OVER!)


So anyway, he is home with me now, and it has soothed my soul somehow since he has been here. Yesterday, I had to help my Mom out by following her to town to take her Jeep in to get the a/c fixed, and brought her home, then took her back when the Jeep was ready. As we were loading up to head back to town, she got in the truck and put something in my hand, which she says was from Dad. I do not really want to say what it was, but it was something that was needed, and it solved a huge problem I was having, and it made me cry. It made me feel that Dad was still here, still looking out for me, even though he could not physically be here anymore. In that simple gesture, and the time that it was given to me, let me know that he loved me, and we would be okay.

So Daddy came home ( Every time I say that I think of the song "Sunny came home" by Shawn Colvin lol ) and the next page has been turned. The final chapter is yet to be finished, which is the scattering of the rest of the ashes, but now I am no longer trying to speed read to the end of the book, so to speak. It will be finished when it is finished, and I will always have a page of that book here with me, sitting in a spice container on my desk. Thanks for pointing that container out Dad, good one. ( He always did have a weird sense of humor! )

The pic below, the containers looks just like the one Dad is in, with a solid metal lid covering the thing. I COULD just take a pic of the actual container, but somehow THAT seems wrong. Yes, I just totally wrote about poking at my Dad's bone dust with no problem, yet taking a pic of the container with him in it gives me pause. What can I say, I am weird too *winks*

Later folks!

The world keeps spinning...

It has been three days since Daddy passed away. Each day it gets a little easier, for me. It is a bit different for my Mother, of course, but she is holding up well enough. My two oldest kids, who live there, are taking it okay. It is easier for me though, I fully admit it, and it has caused me a bit of guilt. See, I did not talk with my Dad daily, and it would sometimes be two or three weeks in between visits. That is just how we were.

So for me, even though I know he is no longer physically here, things are not that different for me. We went over to Mom's yesterday, I was going to help her clean, which we did a little of, but we really just all needed to be together for a while, and Alex really needed to see Mom and her siblings. I walked in and went to Daddy's recliner, sat in it and kind of hugged it. When home, that is where he spent most of his time, so I took a moment to remember and feel his presence. It was strange though, it did not feel like he was "gone", it felt like he was fishing ( which he did often ) or hunting or something. It did not feel permanent, there was no horrible emptiness for me. Again, it is different for my Mom and older kids, as they lived with him, and saw him daily.

That is not to say there is no pain, because there is. It still hits me at times, but my Dad was the type to tell you to deal with your emotions, then carry on. He hated it when someone would cry, he was that type of guy. Two nights ago, I was sitting here, in a funk, looking at my messy house that I had not had time to deal with in a week, and I was miserable. The next thing I know, I heard, quite plainly, in my head: "Quit sniveling Gal, ( he called me Gal all the time, being a southern man and all...) I am fine, now get off your ass and clean this house, you know better than that!" ( My Dad was a neat freak lol. ) I smiled, got up, even though it was after midnight, and Alex and I cleaned and dusted and I did the dishes, and swept and mopped the floors. I felt much better afterwards.

My Dad will be cremated, and in a week or so we will have his ashes and we are going to go scatter then in the place of his choosing, overlooking some saltwater canals, which lead to the ocean, where he liked to fish best.

There has been family drama, as my Dad made a decision after he found out that he had cancer, which was that he only wanted a few people told about it, and when he got sick, he made all of us swear not to tell anyone.He said he only wanted the people around him who made the effort to be there when he was well and healthy, he did not want the come around now that he was sick and wait for him to die so they could see what they could get off of him. A hard thing to uphold, but we did. We understood. We knew it would cause problems, and it did, especially since I was the ONLY one of my siblings who knew. However, it made sense. If people, which included my siblings, could not come around unless they wanted or needed something, or did not come around at all ( as is the case with one of my brothers, that we have not seen in 20 years, even though he lives right down the road ) then he wanted them no where near him when he was sick and then dying. We agreed. It was his last wishes, and one of the last things he said when he was still lucid. He made us all promise again. So after he died, my MOTHER'S brother took it upon himself to call my FATHER'S son and tell him, which of course got word to my sister, who tried to start shit. But we quickly rallied around my Mom, and my cousin told them exactly WHY it happened like that, and why Dad did not want them told, so they needed to take a long hard look at themselves, and why Dad would feel that way towards his own children, and think about that, and to leave my Mother alone, as it was HIS doing, NOT my Mother's. Far as I know, they have not bothered her again, and my cowardly Uncle will not even answer Mom's phone calls. Such an act of betrayal from her own brother was almost as bad as Daddy's passing at that point. I am the only child for my mother, my siblings are half siblings, so why in the hell my Mother's brother, who did not even speak to Dad's side of the family would take it upon himself to do that, after KNOWING that Dad did not want them involved, is beyond me. I know they had a right to know, and even  though I dislike my siblings, I still felt they should know, but it did not matter. My father asked it of me, and as this was about him and HIS feelings, not ours, then we upheld our promise.

Anyway, no telling what else will unfold from all that. I know it is something people do not understand, but again, it is what Daddy wanted, and we loved and respected him enough to do that for him.

Alex is doing better, the first couple of days were hard for her. Luckily Jack was able to get up there and see Dad the night before he died, thanks to Perth watching Alex for us.

Soon, when it is still not quite so fresh and raw, I will write of the week leading up to his death. There are some things I want to say, to write, so I will always be able to remember them, should time ever try to dull my senses. I have not cried at all today, and I would like to have that continue, so that will be a later post.

I want to thank all my friends and family, for being so wonderful to me and my family though this, and thank you to my readers and blogger friends for all of the kind words and condolences, prayers, and healing. You have all made this much easier to deal with, and it is greatly appreciated. My family and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Until next time.

Goodbye Daddy...

My Dad passed away at 4:46 this morning. I already knew. I woke up about ten minutes before. Alex came in to my room at 4:50 this morning, saying she got woken up by something. I know it was Daddy. He loved her so much. Mom and my two older kids and myself went to the hospital this morning to say our final goodbye. It was so hard. Mom was a wreck. For all her stoicism, she was laid low, stretched across his bed, telling him how much she loved him and how a part of her was now missing. Killed me. I kissed him goodbye several times, and rubbed his head and shoulders.

About three hours later we got ready to go, and we asked that the nurse take the pictures that Alex drew, and we had taped up on the wall be removed and sent to the funeral home with him, they will be cremated with him. I think he would have wanted that.

My Dad was a hard man, and we have been at odds many times in my life. I am just so thankful that the last eight years were good, and that I was able to be with him before he passed. There is more to write, more to tell..things that happened over the last three days...but right now, I have no more words. I have to save them for when Alex wakes up and I have to tell her that her Papa is gone...although I think she already knows.

Until next time...

Rest in peace Daddy. We love you. Watch over us. Say hi to the family who left before you. See you on the flip side....

Update...

Update on my father: He is suffering from oxygen deprivation hallucinations, and while he is holding, if it were not for a massive amount of straight oxygen he would not be with us. Hospice has been consulted, as he would prefer to pass at home, but as it is now, he would not even survive the transport home. He is on a liquid diet from here on out, as even the 5 seconds he breaks the seal on that oxygen mask to take a sip of drink causes his breathing to tank to life threatening levels. They are taking great care of him, and they are making him comfortable. The cold and honest truth is, it is a waiting game. He will pass soon, we know that, but when is the question. So all our ducks are in a row and we are just waiting. Prayers for his comfort, and ease of passing would be most appreciated, and if you could spare some for my Mother and my children, I would be very thankful.




That was my Facebook status a little while ago. That is pretty much all there is to say right now....

My Dad...Christmas 2011

Hindsight...

I thought things were going to be better today. Jack seemed in a better mood, but that did not last long.

I got a call from my Mom this morning, to tell me that last night, after we had been gone for a couple of hours, my Dad's breathing crashed, and  we were on death vigil again. He was doing so well yesterday, so it is a shock. They have him on 13 liters of oxygen, and they can only give him 15 before they have to do some sort of artificial respiration, which my Dad's living will forbids.

Mom went on to tell me that Dad has been asking to see Alex for a few days, but with him being moved to the rehab place and us having other things to do, the timing was always off. Everything he said yesterday seems different now. Before we left, he said " Okay, you can go home when you want, I saw what I needed to see.." and now it all just feels like he was saying goodbye, that he wanted to see us on last time. He was not lecturing me, he was making sure that when he was gone we would be there to take care of Mom.

I am eat up with guilt right now, and I feel a little lost. I guess now it is just a waiting game to see what happens next...

So I am going to sign off for now. I will post more as any new developments happen..

A little bit of this...a little bit of that.

Howdy folks. Look, it has only been a week since I posted last, woohoo!

The school year is winding ever closer to being over. Part of me is thrilled, part of me is terrified. Jack and I are going to have a hard time finding stuff to keep her entertained this Summer, I can tell already lol. With him being home for at least 3 more weeks, hopefully we can get some beach time and other fun stuff in. They get out Thursday the 31st and I am so looking forward to not having to get up at the ass crack of dawn for a couple of months!

It has been a busy couple of weeks. Last Saturday we went with my two oldest kids and my 15 year old's boyfriend to the lake where said boyfriend lives. It was nice. There was a little party that we were there to basically chaperon, but we had a good time swimming.It is a private lake, only accessed my the homeowners, with a locked gate, and we were the only people there all day.

I have been working on a gift for my Mom and my two older kids. Mom bought..the gifts...and I, along with Perth, have been using our talents to improve said gift. I am being cryptic since my eldest girl sometimes reads my blog, and it would be my luck this would be the one post she sees lol. We are going over tomorrow to give the stuff to them. They will be very happy.

Last week Perth and I decided we would have a cookout. Perth would buy the food and Jack and I would prepare it. Perth and I went food shopping Friday, and Saturday I got up and started prep work. Our menu consisted of Steak, green pepper, onion, and whole mushroom kebabs, Chicken, pineapple, onion, orange and yellow pepper kebabs, fresh corn on the cob, Hawaiian rice, baked potatoes and Parmesan garlic bread. All grilled. Steak was marinated in Jack Daniels steak house marinade, and the chicken was in a Tropical marinade. I also baked a homemade lemon cheesecake. All the food was divine, but I was in the kitchen for 8 hours, not counting clean up later. I enjoy prep work in a kitchen, but by the time it was over, I was almost to tired to enjoy it! Still, it was awesome, and the company was great. We watched the Will Smith movie "Seven Pounds". It was good, interesting, but it left me very confused for most of it. It is very emotionally charged, but it moves very slow, to the point of being frustrated. I am glad I saw it, but I would not watch it again for that fact. Still, it was a good day, with great food and great company.

On a more somber note, my Dad had to return to the hospital last week. His pneumonia came back, and he could hardly breathe or function. He was unable to walk, and he was put on a large dose of oxygen just to be able to get from the bed to his chair, or to the bathroom and back to where ever he was sitting. Mom called me today and told me that he was getting worse, and to prepare myself, because it looked like he might not make it out of the hospital. He was facing a surgery to drain the fluid in his lungs, but he would have to be put on a respirator to breathe for him for a couple of days, and both my parents have a no artificial means to live clause in their wills, as well as a no resuscitation order. So I started the mental process of losing my father...for the second time this year. A few hours later, Mom called me to say Dad called her ( which is saying something as this morning he could not even talk, he could not catch enough air to do so ) and told her that the doctors put him back on his Lasik, I think it is called, which he had been taking for his congenital heart failure for years. It takes fluid from the body, so it does not build up around the heart and lungs. Well, when he was undergoing his cancer treatment, he got very dehydrated all the time, so they took him off of it. As of yet they had not started him back. As basically a last resort, the doc put him back on, he thought MAYBE it would help draw some of the fluid that he could audibly hear bubbling in his lungs out. Dad told my mother that after they put him on it, a few hours later he had to use the bathroom. A bit of TMI here, but he told her that he passed two QUARTS of fluid when he went to go urinate. Two...QUARTS! He said the nurse was stunned. ( They had one of those measuring cup things in the toilet and she had to verify how much he passed each time he had to pee.) A couple of hours after THAT, the doc came in and listened to his lungs and said there was NO more bubbling, and that he was moving air once more. ( Not at full capacity, but much better than he was before the meds. ) So they are going to keep him on that, and run some scans tomorrow and see how that worked. But he told Mom he felt a tiny bit better, and he could breathe just a tiny bit better, so I am hopeful that the Lasik will continue to help him, and with his heart issues, after he stopped the radiation and chemo, in my opinion he should have been put back on the damn stuff to start with! But that is my opinion. 

Jack has his last physical therapy appointment Tuesday, and he goes back to the doctor on the 18th and hopefully they will finally let him go back to work. The physical therapist, who is a dingbat little chick who is about 23, keeps scaring Jack, telling him she does not see how he can ever go back to being a mechanic. She is seriously pissing me off. After every appointment he has with her, I have to talk him down from a near panic when he gets home, and remind him what his SURGEON says, which is that he CAN return to being a mechanic, he will just have to be more conscious of how he moves and bends in the future, and that he is still not back to where he was before the accident, and to give it time. The first doctor said it would take a full year to be back to normal, and it has only been 5 and a half months, and only 3 months since surgery. So I am VERY glad that after Tuesday Jack will not have to see that little twit any more. I have seriously wanted to go talk to her supervisor and tell them to have her do her job but keep her opinions to herself. They were supposed to be encouraging him to return to normal, and helping him to do so, not speculating and scaring the crap out of him. I know she is not being malicious or anything, she is probably not even aware of what she is doing, but I still do not think it is right.

So that is what has been going on around here over the last several days. Nothing much, but busy at the same time lol.

What are you folks out there doing this Summer? Any plans?

Super Plague of Doom...

Yes, that is what I have. 


After being sooo sick it sent me to the emergency room a few weeks ago, I thought I was finished with my super bad illness of the year thing for a while. Apparently 2011 decided to take it's allotment from the start of the year, instead of the end as 2010 did. I have been sick for 4 days now, and it came upon me out of the blue, and hit me like a ton of bricks. Full on flu. I must have no immune system at all I swear. Alex has a cold, and it mutates into the Plague of Doom in me. Jack has not been to work all week, he has...get this...SHINGLES of all freaking things. That would be adult chicken pox by the way. What is itchy and annoying in children is apparently agonizing in adults, and even potentially lethal in some cases. He has been in severe pain, and the docs have him on the strongest Vicodin they make, and he still hurts. So he has been home, Alex has not been to school this week, and I feel like crawling in a hole somewhere and croaking. Not exactly a fun week. 


Also, my Dad ended back up in the hospital most of last week. He had to have 3 stints put in after having a heart cath done. Then he kept bleeding from the incision in the groin and he bled for 3 days before they bothered to fix it. My Mom had to threaten to take him to a different hospital to get them to be concerned about it. So they sew him up and sent him HOME THAT DAY, after he had been bleeding for THREE days! He started bleeding again that same night, and had to go back to the ER the very next day, but they went elsewhere this time, had all the shoddy stitches taken out and they started all over. Now he is no longer bleeding. 


So needless to say it has been a trying week. 


I will be back soon, once I can get us all well!

Fast update

Just a quick note to say that I have not been home the last few days. My Dad had to go back to the doc to have that last artery cleaned out, and had to stay overnight. He got to come home today, but I have been over at my parents house looking after the kids and stuff. I will have a handful of blogs to post about it all over the weekend, but now I must go to bed. I have been getting up at 4 or 4:30 AM for the last few days and it has caught up with me, I am off to sleep!

Stay tuned, and thank you for all the healing and well wishes for my Dad, we really appreciate it!!

It has been a long week..

Well this week I had planned on working on my kitchen, bathroom, and Alex's room, but fate had other plans for me.

I took Monday and Tuesday for myself, if you read the last post. Good thing I did, because I would need the energy I regained.

Wednesday afternoon, 20 minutes after Jack got home, his cell phone went off and said he had a voicemail. He was in the shower and told me to listen to it and see who it was. I did, and it was my Mother, telling us that she needed to take Dad to the hospital and she needed me to come stay with the kids. ( If you don't remember, my older two live with them just down the road..)

I called her back and asked what was up, and she said that Dad was having chest pains and was all swollen up, he looked pregnant, and he was short of breath. I told her Jack was in the shower and as soon as he was out I would be there, since the kids are old enough to stay by themselves for a while. She said ok and I went to tell Jack what was up. He was still in the shower and he said to just go ahead and take his truck. ( Mine is out of commission right now ) I asked him about him going to work the next day, and he said do not worry about it, he would go in late if need be. So I got Alex and I dressed ( no way would she have forgiven me for not taking her to spend time with her brother and sister, whom she adores.. ) and we left.

Mom and Dad were still there when we got there. I feel so bad for my Mom, she has so many health issues herself, ( a double lung reduction for starters, she only has half of each lung ) and she has been sick with a cough herself, so she was already tired. Dad DID look pregnant, he is a slender man, and his belly, face, hands and feet were very puffy. They left shortly thereafter, and I spent time with the kids and fixing their three computers. I got there at 4:15 in the afternoon, and Mom did not get home until 1 AM...and they said they wanted to keep him overnight for more tests. They gave him a diuretic and apparently he was peeing gallons, so did in fact have a lot of fluid. ( I should point out here that my Dad has had a triple bypass done several years ago, and had to have heart caths done before. ) I got home around 2 AM and went to bed at 4 AM...

I called Mom the next afternoon and she said that they were going to do a heart catheter on him later that day, and she needed me to go back to her place and look after the kids. ( Sad dad is in the hospital but LOVING all the time with my babies without anyone's interference lol ) I told her as soon as Jack got home I would be on. She said that she should be home by 8 at the latest that night since Dad would have to lay flat and rest for the rest of that night.  I talked Jack into coming with me, as I has seen him 20 minutes in two days and we missed each other horribly.

We got to the kids and I made dinner, and then we all went outside and playing for a while, tossing a ball and a Frisbee around. Jack usually goes to bed at 9, since he gets up so early, and he still had not had a shower, so at 8 when we still had no word from Mom he was a little antsy. She finally called at 9 that night and said she was on the way, and got home about 10 till 10. 

It turns out he had 5 blockages in his arteries, all of them 90 to 99% blocked. The doctor flat out told my Mom that within a week at most he would have suffered a massive heart attack and died. This confuses me a bit, because my Dad is on meds for these things, he does not eat junk food or fatty foods, and he goes to the doctor regularly. I asked Mom about that and she said the doc told her all it takes is a tiny blockage in the artery, and within a couple of days it can get blocked up just that fast. Scary when you think about it!

Poor Mama was so tired, she looked dead on her feet. I had the kids do dishes after dinner ( Yay for teens old enough to do dishes lol ) and I set the coffee pot for Mom the next day. We left shortly thereafter and Jack got a shower and went to bed, and Alex was not far behind him. I stayed up unwinding and talking to Stag, and then it all caught up with me and I crashed.

I called Mom when I got up this morning and she was on her way home with Dad, and he had strict orders to take it easy for a few days.

We will be over there most of the weekend...and as far as I know Alex is spending tomorrow night...we are going over Sunday to help cook Easter dinner, although to all of us it is just Sunday dinner lol. I figured plans would have been cancelled but with Jack and I helping, the weekend can continue as planned I guess, which is good, we do not get to spend much time together as a family anymore with my parents.

So that is how I have spent this past week. I am so glad that they took Dad into the hospital, this was a very close call! But he is home now, which is a good thing, and I have gotten to spend a lot of time with the kids, which does not happen near enough.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and that your loved ones are healthy and happy!

Lunch with Dad

I was in a deep sleep when I was awoken by the shrill ringing of the telephone....

*Groggily* "Hello?"

Dad bellowing: "ARE YOU AWAKE??"

Me, holding phone a foot away from my ear: " I am now..."

Insert almost 2 minutes of him trying to talk and his cell phone fading in and out. Finally I hang up..and wait. A few seconds later the phone rings and I can actually hear him now, bitching about cell phone reception...INSIDE HIS HOUSE. He has four....FOUR phones in his house, and can't hear out of any of them, hearing aids or not lol. But I digress...

Dad: "Mike and I are going to get Chinese, and I was calling to see if you and Alex wanted to go.."

Me: "Sure, let me get us dressed and I will be over."

Dad: "Ok, see you in a few.."

So I get us ready and head over to Dads, and we head out to The Ming Tree and get a divine lunch. Well after we left there, he drove to Wal-Mart and proceeded to drop 100 bucks on Alex's school clothes and two pairs of tennis shoes...I was amazed!

Her outfits are adorable, and mix and match stuff...and her little shoes are adorable. I also picked up the stuff that my Dad's friend and his wife got Alex for her to start school with, which was all kinds of things, even stuff for the classroom, so the teacher will be very happy when she does start, because she will not need supplies for a little while lol.

After we got back to his place, I helped Mike and Dad shell black eyed peas from his garden for a couple of hours. After Mom breezed in from work to whisk Mike off for an eye exam, I showed her what Dad bought and she seemed really pleased.

It was a wonderful day, and now I do not have to worry about her looking like an orphan when she starts school lol.

Now, again, let us hope a couple of people moved or decided to go to different schools over the summer.

Open house is the 11th, and I am taking Alex, and Mom might go with me, I hope...

So that is what I did with my day. It was a nice visit and I had a good time. it is always nice to visit with the family on good terms.....

Now, time to clean the kitchen...*groans*

Ta!

*Music of the Moment: Cry me a River by Justin Timberlake*